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BATTr Transcript

2021-07-09T05:08:54Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[BATTr]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are legendary weapons. I am "the lead pipe I found in 'Fallout' last night" after a not-insignificant battle. It does slightly more damage at night. I call it the "Night Pipe". Joining me this week is "Glamdring"...

'''Cameron''': Forger for Turgon, High-King of Gondolin in the First Age, I am the "Foe-hammer"...which I've been led to believe is a kind of soup.

'''Graham:''' ...and "Durandal".

'''Ian''': For those deep bungee cuts. Also, I was the sword of Roland, so I'm good for keyboard solos.

'''Graham:''' ''{LOOKING AT IAN AND CAMERON}'' Y'all gonna get "Night Piped"!

''{TITLE: I AM THE TERROR THAT HITS WITH A PIPE}''

'''Graham:''' San Francisco police are looking for any information that may lead them to the arrest of whoever's been leaving spiked baseball bats chained to telephone poles around the city.

'''Ian''': So like "Whac-a-Mole" bats but for tech-bros?

'''Cameron''': "Whac-a-Google".

'''Ian''': Wait a second, is this a new start-up? When's their IPO? What's their revenue model?!

'''Cameron''': They HAVE none, but they DO have an app called "BATTr", B-A-T-T-R.

'''Ian''': It's a noun AND a verb and a source of pancakes.

'''Cameron''': Are they chained to telephone poles with enough give so that they can conceivably meet in the middle?

'''Graham:''' The picture in the article - a black baseball bat wrapped in chains with half-inch thick, six-inch long railroad spikes rammed into the top half - really puts me in mind of, like, "The Warriors" or "Mad Max". Honestly, I think someone's preparing for the Apocalypse in San Francisco. Rather, preparing to WATCH the Apocalypse in San Francisco. I wonder...what could be worse?

''{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD, YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF WHAT COULD BE WORSE. '''Graham''': That was awful.}''

'''Cameron''': "What could be worse"?! Worse than WHAT?!? Things that you find chained to a San Francisco telephone pole after the Apocalypse?!? Let's start with YOURSELF! Actually, let's start with ME!! I don't CARE about you!!

'''Ian''': Worse things that you can drive a railroad spike through?! Again, ME!

'''Cameron''': Or what about "worse things to find in San Francisco"? ''{NODS IN THOUGHT}'' No, me.

'''Ian''': OK, wait, wait...let's bring it back. What could be worse than two random people finding these bats and beating the living tar out of each other? Nothing, 'cause that's awesome!!

'''Cameron''': Ooo, could they be members of the cast of "Full House"?

''{CUT TO OPENING OF "FULL HOUSE", ONLY WITH THE TITLE CHANGED TO "SAVAGE BEATINGS"}''

'''Graham:''' It's getting to be Christmastime in Sao Paolo, Brazil, where Santa's doing very well for himself because, in Sao Paolo, he flies a helicopter...that he stole from a taxi service on Friday.

'''Cameron''': Is a helicopter Santa's traditional means of conveyance in Brazil?

'''Ian''': I say let him keep it. There's one person every year who doesn't get to make a Christmas wish.

'''Cameron''': Yeah! I think we should let Santa have this one! I mean, he's only a year or two away from being replaced by a drone, anyways.

'''Ian''': Of COURSE, we should let him have it. Because, if he gets caught, pulled over and hands over any sort of identification that doesn't say "Santa", Christmas is ruined forever!

'''Cameron''': Although there is the delicious possibility that that I.D. says "Jesus". ''{CAMERON PRONOUNCED IT LIKE IN SPANISH: 'HEY-SOOS'}''

'''Graham:''' I mean, he's not NOT magical. He made a HELICOPTER disappear...in that they still haven't found the helicopter.

'''Cameron''': ''{DISAPPOINTED}'' And dash away all.

'''Graham:''' An Indiana man has pled guilty to breaking into the Indiana Medical History Museum, stealing jars of brain and human tissue and selling them online.

'''Ian''': eBay or Amazon Associates?

'''Cameron''': ''{HOLDING iPHONE}'' And is he offering anything special for Cyber Monday?

'''Graham:''' Apparently, this guy'd been breaking into museum for a while. And the police only found out because someone he sold six jars of brain matter to...told the police about it. When they raided his house, they recovered 80 jars!

'''Cameron''': You thought NUTELLA was good on crepes.

'''Ian''': This is the kind of behavior (of) a man who plans for discontinuation of a product. I bet if they searched hard enough, they'd find bottles of Crystal Pepsi in his house.

'''Cameron''': Well, now we know what the brains were PACKED in.

'''Ian''': 80 jars worth?! Why did it take so long for the museum to catch on to what this guy was doing?!

'''Cameron''': I'm gonna level with you, Ian: I don't think the museum GAVE a shit. I think the brains of these people were the kind of people who only go to the museum as a med-school cadaver.

'''Ian''': I think we're focusing on the brains a bit too much here. Were there any other "organic preserves" avaliable?

'''Graham:''' Oh, yeah. I mean, it wasn't JUST brains. He just got CAUGHT with the brains. He stole all kinds of other human tissue...''{READS FROM iPHONE}''...as well as various historical items, ten 'scopes, a baby weighing scale and an EKG machine.

'''Ian''': Was this guy's name, perchance, "Frankenstein"?

'''Cameron''': I believe you'll find "Frankenstein" was the name of the book. I think you're thinking of Mary Shelly.

'''Graham:''' Whoever he is, the 23-year-old man has been sentenced to one year home detention, two years probation and that he must get a high school diploma.

'''Cameron''': Well, I'm sure THAT'S the kind of thing you can find in a museum, especially with the "brain volume" THIS guy's packing!

'''Graham:''' Fun fact: in British Columbia - where we are - a high school diploma is called a "dogwood" because that's our provincial flower. I don't have a joke here; that's just a fun fact. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A RUST-RED CARPET USED TO SURROUND A TOILET}''...and they're probably really happy about it 'cause this is the hair from a giant life-sized 7-foot-tall doll that was made for us...uh, of Bill...to have at "Desert Bus". Which isn't REMOTELY creepy. ''{CLEARS HIS THROAT}'' Actually, not as creepy as the fact that I am now WEARING his hair. THAT part's kinda creepy. The whole THING is weird.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{CUT TO CAMERON, RE-DOING HIS LAST LINE...}''

'''Cameron''': I'm sure THAT'S the kind of thing you can find in a museum, especially with the "brain volume" THIS guy's packing! Just wire him cereal! ''{CAMERAMAN BREAKS}''

[[Category:Transcripts]]

5 Second Rule Transcript

2021-03-11T05:24:32Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[5 Second Rule]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, it's September and that means fall's icy embrace is finally traveling over our overheated summer-weary bodies. And to celebrate, it is "pumpkin spice lattes season". But did you know there's OTHER kinds of lattes? I'm an "Allspice latte". Joining me this week is the "Old Spice"...

'''Paul:''' L-l-l-ladies...

'''Kathleen:''' ...and the spice "Melange".

'''Alex:''' It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. ''{"DUNE" THEME GROWS IN BACKGROUND}'' It is by the juice of arabica that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire the stains, the stains become a warning.

''{TITLE: THE SPICE MUST FLOW}''

''{"DUNE" THEME CUTS OFF WITH A "RECORD SCRATCH"}''

'''Kathleen:''' There's a new sensation sweeping the internet. It's the live intersection webcam from Jackson, Wyoming.

'''Alex:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' Sorry...did you mis-say "inter-sectional" like it's at a conference or something?

'''Kathleen:''' You heard what I said! And what I said was that it's a traffic webcam. Just cars...trucks going by. People get REAL excited when a red truck goes by. "Red truck! Red truck!" they post.

'''Alex:''' I don't believe it. We found a rung below ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "First".

'''Paul:''' Are there, like, a lot of accidents at this intersection or something? What makes this intersection so exciting?

'''Kathleen:''' Nobody knows, Paul. It's just one of those "internet things"....which is actually what the Associated Press news story about this, uh, attributes the popularity to: it being one of those ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "internet things".

'''Alex:''' I shudder to think at all the other traffic webcams hoping to achieve virality now.

'''Paul:''' Aw, man. 7th and Finnerty used to be cool. But now they've really gone commercial.

'''Alex:''' ''{TO PAUL}'' They were commercial to START with; it's a shipping through-fare!

'''Paul:''' And everybody knows the Rosewood Crescent is just a "try hard" intersection.

'''Alex:''' #FakeIntersectionBoys, which is a hashtag that got WILDLY misinterpreted.

'''Kathleen:''' Good news: according to a new study from Rutgers University that was published in the American Journal of Microbiology, the "five-second rule" is not a thing and food gets dirty immediately. Do NOT eat food off the floor. ''{ALEX CHORTLES OFF-CAMERA A BIT}'' I can't believe that we had to have a study for this! And, not only that, this is a NEW study that has proven the results of PREVIOUS studies! The "five-second rule" is not real! Like, nobody went into this thinking that they could maybe prove it, right?!

'''Paul:''' "Mythbusters" proved that, like, YEARS ago! And, if you can't trust entertainment science, what CAN you trust?!

'''Alex:''' ACTUAL science?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LEANING INTO ALEX'S SHOT}'' GMOS ARE POISON!

''{ALEX BREAKS AND A TEST PATTERN IS SHOWN BRIEFLY}''

'''Paul:''' Well, I think it's pretty clear that there isn't much difference between, like, food that has fallen on the floor and food that has fallen on the floor after five seconds. I would say that I would prefer to eat food that has fallen on the floor for five seconds than food that has fallen on the floor for, say, five HOURS.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{HOLDING iPHONE}'' Actually, Paul, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' the research did find that longer contact time DOES mean more bacterial transfer. However, the type of food and the surface it falls on is just as - or more - important. So you can eat a Chiclet that fell on the ground outside, but you should DEFINITELY not eat a rice cake covered in peanut butter that fell into a urinal.

'''Alex:''' Kids, don't eat piss food!

''{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}''

'''Kathleen:''' A Kansas man named Lawrence Ripple robbed a bank so he would not have to spend any more time alone at home with his wife.

'''Paul:''' He...he wanted to go to prison to make friends?!

'''Alex:''' ''{WITH CAP ON BACKWARDS AS PRISONER}'' Alright, I'm gonna teach ya how to kill a man with this toothbrush, then we're gonna have a nice bonding session after.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' Lawrence John Ripple, 70, wrote a note stating he had a gun and wanted money and then walked into a Kansas City bank. The teller gave him $3000 and - instead of, like, going somewhere with his money - he sat down in the lobby and waited to be arrested. The money was then returned to the bank and he told police that he would "rather be in jail than at home" with his wife.

'''Paul:''' OK. I guess if those are the two only options. But...maybe you should...think about this one a little harder.

'''Alex:''' ''{ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE}'' A'right, Margaret, this isn't workin'. Couples counseling ain't panned out...our religion won't let us divorce...one of us has gotta go to prison. ''{FLIPS A COIN AND SLAPS IT ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND}'' Call it.

'''Paul:''' For his sake, I hope his judge doesn't have a sense of humor and sentenced him to "house arrest".

'''Kathleen:''' ''{ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE}'' "Margaret, I wanna leave you. You're a horrible wife." ''{THEN AS MRS. RIPPLE}'' "Yeah? Well, good luck finding someone who's gonna cook you three meals a day, clean up after you and do all your laundry!" ''{THEN BACK AS MR. RIPPLE}'' "Ha-ha! Checkmate, woman! Jail!"

'''Paul:''' Maybe this is just, like, a bet he made with his friends. "Wow! Y'know, you...you really did it. You went to jail. All right, I guess I owe you ten bucks. You can...you can let him out now."

'''Alex:''' Uhhh,...no. He really actually robbed a bank.

'''Paul:''' "Huh. Well, I guess I get to keep my ten bucks, then."

'''Kathleen:''' What have we learned here today, children? If you need to get away from someone, you should go to jail and not just...someplace where that person isn't. But, on that sad note, we have a HAPPY note: it's Eric's birthday! Eric, we were asked to wish you a happy birthday by your boyfriend, Stu. And we have loved to accommodate. So happy birthday, Eric...it was actually on the 7th but, y'know, close enough. And I hope you had a great day and are having a great day today and weekend and all that stuff. So, remember: there may be better sources of news...but they won't DO customized birthday greetings if you e-mail me ahead of time and ask nicely...and they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS CAP WITH STRAIGHT "ANTENNAE" ON TOP}''...which is from Ikea. It is a...''{READS FROM BOX CAP CAME IN}''..."LATTJO" and it is from Jeremy and Kimmie. ''{PAUSE}'' It actually feels like a pretty good hat. Like, I can feel...the antennae are sticking straight up. Like normally you get one of these novelty hats it's just kinda, like, two floppy probosci kinda sagging around and kinda feeling a little sad. Y'know, you got a little Hraal situation going on behind your head. But these are sticking straight up. They're quite, uh,...quite erect. ''{ALEX CHUCKLES OFF-SCREEN}'' I have nothing further to say about this hat.

'''Paul:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

'''Kathleen:''' Happy birthday!

''{KATHLEEN SWAYS THE "ANTENNAE" BACK AND FORTH AND ALEX REACHES INTO THE SHOT TO BAT ONE OF THEM}''

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' It's true that being trapped in a bad relationship can sometimes feel like jail. But you know what ALSO feels like jail? Real actual jail!

'''Kathleen:''' Look at me! I'm a pillar of...''{MASSIVE COUGHING AND HACKING FIT}''...health.

[[Category:Transcripts]]

The Leaning Henge of Rome Transcript

2020-09-13T06:08:17Z

Chriswolvie: Changed "milliones" to "milliard", which is French for "billion"

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[The Leaning Henge of Rome]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLES}''

'''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump, where we need caffeine to survive. I am a plain iced coffee. Joining me this week is an earl grey vanilla tea misto,

'''Kate:''' Graham, it's called a London Fog.

'''Graham:''' Well it's what they call it! And an iced venti non-fat hazelnut mocha.

'''Paul:''' I specifically requested no whipping cream, and yet as you can plainly see, whipping cream flots itself upon my drink.

'''Graham:''' And we're gonna relax and smell the fine brews.

''{TITLE: SMELL THE FINE BREWS/NEWS}''

'''Graham:''' As promised, a dog story. New York's Richmond county fair is cancelling the pig races this year and replacing it with an event involving dogs running down a plank and jumping into the water.

'''Paul:''' Is this a competitive event, or is just watching dogs running down a plank and jumping into the water.

'''Kate:''' I'm actually kinda hoping it isn't a competitive thing and it is just watching dogs run down a ramp, 'cause that sounds super fun.

'''Graham:''' ''{READING FROM IPAD}'' The labour day weekend fair will feature, this is a direct quote from the article, "dogs running down an elevated plank and diving into the water." They encourage fair goers to bring their own dogs if their dogs like to swim.

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING BLACK PAX OPS 2008 CAP BACKWARDS}'' Aw man! We gave up pig races for this? This sucks. ''{TAKES THE HAT OFF, THROWS IT ON THE GROUND}''

'''Kate:''' ''{CLAPPING}'' I'm so glad we gave up pig races for this!

'''Paul:''' Okay okay. How about we compromise and we do dogs running down an elevated ramp and then jumping into a big thing full of pigs.

'''Kate:''' I can get on board with that only if it's piglets.

'''Paul:''' You would rather see piglets being jumped on by a whole hoard of dogs rather than full-grown pigs?

'''Kate:''' Somehow it's cuter! ''{SHRUGS}'' I'm- 'cause I'm assuming all the dogs are puppies.

Puppies and piglets aside, what we really should be thinking about right now is the unemployed pigs. What are they doing?

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING PIG EARS AND PIG SNOUT}'' THEY TOOK UR JERBS!!! ''{WAVES FIST}''

'''Graham:''' In a recent study to gauge the inherent value of landmarks, what is Europe's most valuable landmark?

'''Kate:''' Um... Paris... su- ''{STARTS LAUGHING}'' Paris Tower? ''{LAUGHING}'' Eiffel Tower?

Aww, the internet's gonna think I'm stupid now. ''{LAUGHS}''

'''Paul:''' The London Clock?

'''Kate:''' The... that arena? In Rome? The Rome Arena, I think it's called.

'''Paul:''' The tower that isn't straight anymore?

'''Graham:''' As it happens, you got it in one. The Paris Tower, colloquially known as the Eiffel Tower, is worth, apparently, five hundred and fifty-four billion dollars.

The tower ranked far ahead of other historic locations, including Rome's Colosseum at ninety billion, Milan's Duomo at eighty-one, the Tower of London at seventy, Madrid's Prado at fifty-eight, and even Great Britain's Stonehenge, or Rock Circle, I think, at ten billion.

'''Kate:''' Despite coming off as such an idiot in that last guessing game, I just want to say I'm pretty fuckin' smart, 'cause I guessed it in one.

'''Paul:''' Aah, somewhere Gustav Eiffel is like ''{MIMES RAISING THE ROOF}'' ''{IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE}'' "five hundred billion dollars bitches! Yeaaah!" Except he'd be doing it in a french accent, 'cause... French.

''{WEARING BLACK BERET}'' ''{IN FRENCH}'' Cinq cents milliard de dollars, bitches!

'''Graham:''' A woman in Idaho is being treated for hypothermia after getting up at night and sleep-swimming down the river.

'''Paul:''' Aw man, how awesome would it be if you could sleep do all sorts of of physical activities? Be like, sleep weightlifting. You wouldn't even have to remember it and you'd just wake up more fit than when you went to bed.

Oh man! I bet that's what Michael Phelps' secret is! He's swimming while he's asleep!

'''Kate:''' Or, sleep baking! 'Cause then when you wake up, you smell freshly baked cookies and it smells really good in your apartment. OR! Better yet! Sleep bacon! Right? Yes.

'''Graham:''' Three french tourists were convicted of ''{AIR QUOTES}'' desecration in Sri Lanka, when they pretended to kiss a statue of Buddha.

'''Paul:''' Look, what you do with the Buddha in your own home is fine. But if you're doing it in public, it has to be decent.

'''Kate:''' Now this is getting a bit too confusing for me. One Buddha you can run up to him and rub his naked belly, and it's all well and fine, and the other one you can't even pretend to kiss him on the cheek?

'''Paul:''' No no, you see these are different representations of the Buddha. There's the laughing Buddha, which is, you know, the Happy Buddha, but this one is the Sexy Buddha, and you're not allowed to do anything with the Sexy Buddha. It could give him ideas.

'''Graham:''' They received a sentence of six months hard labour, suspended for five years, meaning they don't actually serve that time, and a small fine of fifteen hundred rupees. Which is about eleven dollars.

'''Kate:''' Can you imagine if they had actually kissed the Buddha statue, though? They would have been sentenced to like, what, a year of hard labour they'd never actually had to do, and maybe, oh, twenty bucks? Oh my god.

'''Paul:''' I think the real tragedy here is there's obviously a bunch of Buddha statues that are really hard up, and somebody needs to get out there and give 'em some lovin'.

'''Kate:''' But make sure you use protection.

'''Graham:''' Speaking of protection, protect yourself against... not... Feed Dump... news. And only... watch us. Because! There may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat ''{PUTS ON LEOPARD PRINT COWBOY HAT}'' and... what's the point, if they don't have this hat? Like, what, what are you getting out of that? Not this! ''{POINTS TO LEOPARD PRINT COWBOY HAT}'' That's for sure.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING BLACK BERET}'' ''{IN FRENCH}'' Cinq cents milliard de dollars, chiennes! It doesn't really work....

[[Category: Transcripts]]

Not Without My Pee Transcript

2018-07-23T15:32:08Z

Chriswolvie: Wrong link to Kate's quote

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Not Without My Pee]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all part of a balanced morning meal; we're "breakfast cereals". I'm "Bran Granules", when you prize regularity over joy. Joining me this week is "Lucky Charms"...

'''Kate:''' For when you prize joy over regularity.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Ozee-Os".

'''Graham:''' For when you want to make a knock-off of "Cheerios" but lack any creativity.

''{TITLE: NO NAME BRAND IS A SERIAL OFFENDER}''

'''Kathleen:''' Think twice before you post that adorable baby photo on line; an 18-year-old woman from Austria is suing her parents for uploading childhood photos of her to Facebook.

'''Kate:''' I can't imagine that they had a super-good relationship to start out with. This has gotta just be, like, "strike three" in a long list of fuck-ups.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{AS SAID WOMAN}'' Mom! OK, this is it! ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' First of all, you drop me off in front of the school instead of dropping me off a block away so I can walk in and not be seen with you, then you got "Ozee-Os" instead of Cherrios and now a picture of me on the potty on Facebook?! That's it! I'm suing!!

'''Graham:''' On the one hand, I understand that no child wants their parents to show their friends the baby photos of you in the bath or on the potty or whatever. On the OTHER hand, I'm pretty sure you legally OWN your children.

'''Kate:''' So here's the thing: ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' single people don't want to be reminded they're single by seeing your baby photos, people who are TRYING to have kids don't wanna see your baby photos, people who already have kids ESPECIALLY don't wanna see your baby photos; they got plenty of their own. Short story: just DON'T post photos of your kids.

'''Kathleen:''' Kate is right. Why would I want to see pictures of your ill-mannered troglodyte when I can look at my own perfect baby/angel/baby?

'''Graham:''' These parents are also ruining the "social contract" of you go to someone's house for dinner. They provide you with dinner but, as a cost, you have to sit through looking at photos of their children. NOW, you're just seeing this if you happen to be friends with them on Facebook. They've ruined the whole premise of going over for dinner.

'''Kathleen:''' A 40-year-old Indiana man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and other things after he harassed somebody who got a job that he didn't get by mailing them four dead skunks and a dead raccoon.

'''Graham:''' I suspect this guy has terrible eyesight and that raccoon was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' Oh, I'm sorry. He was actually charged on "suspicion of criminal mischief, intimidation, stalking, criminal trespass, false reporting, animal cruelty and harassment" because he ALSO did things like threaten the successful job candidate's fiancee and their child and spray paint messages such as "YOU WILL DIE" on his car. ''{TO OTHER DUMPERS}'' Who wants to guess what job he lost out on?

'''Graham:''' Artists are very sensitive so I'm gonna say..."Sandwich Artist"?

'''Kate:''' My guess is garbage man...because he's a "garbage" man.

'''Graham:''' Motivational speaker.

'''Kate:''' Skunk caretaker?

'''Graham:''' Anti-bullying advocate.

'''Kathleen:''' According to reports, one package arrived at the post office leaking blood containing a dead raccoon and with the words, "Resign! It Will Not Stop" inside.

'''Kate:''' God, this is like "Twitchchat" come to life!

'''Graham:''' Particularly because he's blaming the guy who got the job, not the people who HIRED that guy.

'''Kate:''' Yeah, Graham, if you harass the people who are giving OUT the job then you're definitely not gonna GET that job. Right now, he's proving that he REALLY wants it!

'''Graham:''' Yeah...he "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" wants this job!

'''Kathleen:''' Yeah, I'm not sure I want anybody who's "Ship You Four Dead Skunks"-intense to teach a fourth grade class and be a junior basketball coach...because that's is the job he was applying for. ''{STARTS TO BREAK}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Wow!!! Wow!!!

'''Kate:''' ''{AT SAME TIME, OFF-SCREEN}'' No-o-o-o! No! He could be teaching your children!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LAUGHING}'' Everybody's just, like,...Graham and Kate and Heather behind the camera just went, "No-o-o-o!" Like everybody recoiled in the same way! It was amazing!

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Oh, no...why?!

'''Kate:''' I mean, I remember having some pretty weird elementary school teachers, like the one who constantly smell like cigar smoke and handed you a Wether's from his pocket. But he - even HE - was not "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" creepy!

'''Graham:''' I would bet that SOMETHING probably came up during the job interview process that MAYBE tipped them off that this guy MIGHT be SLIGHTLY unhinged.

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good supposition, Graham. Perhaps they discovered that he was the kind of person who was likely to ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "place four phone calls to the Indiana Department of Child Services, making claims that" his rival "was having sex with an underage student" and was also "abusing the daughter of an acquaintance". He ALSO mailed a picture of a man's genitalia - I'm gonna assume it was his - with his rival's phone number on it to the school he worked at.

'''Graham:''' His "rival"?! How much do you wanna bet that the guy who got this job had NO idea this ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "rivalry" was happening?! I'm betting it was ENTIRELY one-sided!

'''Kate:''' This! Job! Can't! Be! That! Good!! You're teaching fucking NINE-year-olds!! It's NOT THAT GOOD!!!

''{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC...CUT-OFF HALF-WAY BY THE "CHANNEL 2 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Man, you love your boyfriend but he's on probation...and, when you're on probation, you can't do drugs. But then he's gotta submit a urine sample...but, maybe, he DID some drugs. How do you get your boyfriend out of this terrible jam?! Phone-in a bomb threat. That's what a Florida woman did.

'''Graham:''' I was positive the answer was gonna be "swap urine samples" and then they'll be, like, "Sir, you're pregnant?" But...bomb threat...actually just, like, neatly eclipses ALL these problems!

'''Kate:''' Kay, Kathleen...seriously...can we NOT be telling stories of me on Feed Dump [[We Salute You Transcript|every time I'm here]]. At least show me some respect and do them on the weeks I'm NOT here. That would be a lot better for me...emotionally, physically...mentally...

'''Graham:''' Obviously, because this is a story, we know what happened. But, in the SHORT term, did this WORK?

'''Kathleen:''' So here's what happened. Our glorious, genius woman here dropped off her boyfriend at the probation office where he was unable to produce enough of a sample to test his urine. And, under those circumstances, they don't just let you go; they make you sit there and give you some water until you have to pee. So she thought, "Oh, no! Our clever plan of just having him not pee has been foiled! I'll phone in a bomb threat!" So then they just traced the cell phone number and they're, like, "Oh, hello. You just were here, dropping this man off."

'''Graham:''' Well, no SHIT "I can't pee right now" doesn't work! EVERYONE would do that! "Oh, I, uh, just can't...uh, sorry...okay...later." ''{MIMICS SMOKING A JOINT WHILE HEADING OFF}'' ...in a cloud of smoke. "Can't prove it without my pee!" ''{MIMICS AGAIN}''

'''Kate:''' Why not buy some animal urine on the deep Dark Web?

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good one, Kate. Then their only question will be, "When did you become a mountain lion?!" I know that you can buy mountain lion urine online because, way back in the day, my landlord had to leave mountain lion urine around a shed in a house I lived in because skunks had invaded. Apparently, skunks are afraid of mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' They're ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana

'''Kate:''' Uh, to be fair, though, I'm ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana and mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' She's a skunk!

''{KATE HISSES LIKE A SKUNK}''

'''Kathleen:''' If YOU wanna find out if one of your loved ones is a skunk, follow this handy test. Dunk them in water; if they float, they're a witch.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' No, not a witch. Skunk.

'''Kathleen:''' What do you MEAN "which skunk"? ''{POINTS TO KATE}'' There's only one skunk in here? And, on that note, we must call this episode to a close. ''{DONS POINTY CLOWN HAT}'' But, like this hat, I am mirthful and not terrifying.

''{BRIEF SHOT OF WNXE PROMO SLATE}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Kathleen, catch-phrase.

'''Kathleen:''' Right. There may be better sources of news...but they don't have...THIS hat...which is a lovely hat...and is not a scary hat...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF GRAHAM RESPONDING TO KATHLEEN ASSUMING THAT THE "DICK PIC" THE MAN FROM THE SECOND STORY SENT WAS HIS OWN}''

'''Graham:''' Or the picture of, allegedly, the other guy's dick!

[[Category:Transcripts]]

Impediments to Employment Transcript

2016-12-20T17:54:07Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Impediments to Employment]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're "the Pokemon that show up when the one that you WANT doesn't". I am "Drifloon", the one that steals children...but not HEAVY children. Joining me this week is "Trubbish"...

'''Cameron:''' "Self-propelled garbage bag" joke.

'''Graham:''' ...and...''{LOOKS TO HIS LEFT}''...Alex, what are you?

'''Alex:''' ''{BUNDLED UP IN A BLANKET}'' I'm COLD! Is THAT a Pokemon?!

'''Graham:''' Ummm,...uhhh,...we'll say you're...you're "Vanillish", the one that's, literally, an ice cream cone.

''{TITLE: VANILLISH WAS CREATED BY JAMES TURNER (NO RELATION)}''

'''Graham:''' A man in Grand Central Terminal suffered burns on his hand and legs after his e-cigarette exploded in his pocket.

'''Cameron:''' It's gotta be upsetting when you're waiting in line for the train and the guy next to you in line erupts in flame like a white phosphorus grenade that reeks of ham and cotton candy.

'''Alex:''' They've said e-cigarettes are not much better for you than smoking, but a pack of Malboros isn't gonna detonate!

'''Graham:''' Maybe he was just trying out the new vaping app for his Galaxy Note! ''{SMILES AS CONFETTI DROPS AND AN AIRHORN GOES OFF}''

'''Cameron:''' In retrospect, I suppose putting a heating coil next to a lithium-ion battery is an engineering challenge.

'''Alex:''' Maybe this is just the 2016 variant of the old "exploding cigar" trick.

'''Cameron:''' I suppose NOW we can all start worrying about the CIA or NSA remote-detonating our cigarettes.

'''Graham:''' According to the article on ABC News, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "E-cigarettes and other battery-operated electronic smoking devices occasionally do catch fire." ''{LOWERS PHONE}'' The same could be said of MOST objects.

'''Alex:''' I mean, ANYTHING'll burn if you make it hot enough. That's where we get lava.

'''Cameron:''' I feel that that line misses a morally - and also, probably legally - important distinction between something being "flammable" and something being "self-detonating"!

'''Graham:''' A German court has ruled that breast implants are not an impediment to becoming a police officer.

'''Cameron:''' How MANY breast implants are we talking here?

'''Alex:''' Depending on the size of said implants, I can see them being an impediment to ANY occupation.

'''Cameron:''' Were they concerned that breast implants in the ABSTRACT were, like, an impediment to becoming a police officer in the manner of, like, an obstacle course? Or a jiggling, swaying, bouncing castle?

'''Alex:''' If you encounter an implant in the field, first attempt to VERBALLY detain it, THEN physically restrain it.

'''Graham:''' This ruling came after a women appealed a police doctor's assessment that her implants might rupture in the course of law-enforcement work. But the court heard expert testimony that there was a less than twenty percent chance of that happening.

'''Alex:''' ''{SHOCKED}'' TWENTY PERCENT?!?

'''Cameron:''' I don't pay for plasma guns in "Warhammer 40K" 'cause there's a one in SIX chance that they rupture! Don't roll those dice!!

'''Alex:''' Statistically, her fifth physical altercation in this line of work is is gonna result in a flat.

'''Cameron:''' I feel there's a stereotype being avoided here of authoritarian German women in uniform with enormous titties.

'''Graham:''' A pair of brothers in the Slovak town of Trencin won a grave-digging competition by digging their grave faster than the ten other teams.

'''Alex:''' For...various interpretations of "won" or "their".

'''Cameron:''' What the fuck happened in Slovakia that they need to have a competition to dig graves as fast as possible?!

'''Graham:''' According to a five-member jury, their grave was also the "neatest".

'''Alex:''' The other ones were so sloppy; you wouldn't chuck your worst enemy in there.

'''Cameron:''' I would.

'''Alex:''' Also, what the fuck happened in Slovakia that they have a JURY to assess grave-digging in the same way you might assess a bottle of wine?!

'''Graham:''' Apparently, space is at a premium in Slovakian graveyards and so they have to use people rather than machines 'cause machines can't be as precise to get narrow spaces between them. It took 54 minutes.

'''Cameron:''' Cool. We found a manual labor job that's safe from automation AND will still be relevant even AFTER the robot uprising.

'''Alex:''' ''{ACTING AS ROBOT LOOKING DOWN ON A HUMAN}'' CLANG! Dig it yourself! You have 54 minutes!

'''Cameron:''' ''{LOOKING UP, ACTING AS HUMAN IN THIS "PLAY"}'' Or what?!

'''Alex:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, STILL AS ROBOT}'' You will not have a neat grave!

'''Graham:''' And, on THAT note, if you're looking for something to WEAR while watching a grave-digging competition, may I recommend THIS hat...''{DONS AN ORANGE COWBOY HAT WITH SIX HOLES AROUND THE RIM}''...which holds six beers! So, now, I just need to go and find six beers...and put them in a hat. I might buy a SEVENTH to actually drink, now that I think about it. 'Cause, otherwise, I'm just a guy with six beers in his hat. And, if you're gonna be THAT in public, I better be drinkin'!

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Graham:''' ''{LOOKING AT HIS iPHONE}'' This...this story doesn't seem THAT weird.

'''Alex:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Maybe we can MAKE it weird.

'''Graham:''' Yeah, maybe. I just going with the ones that you gave me. I can find my own, but...''{SHRUGS}''

Impediments to Employment Transcript

2016-12-20T17:08:43Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Impediments to Employment] ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're "the Pokemon that show up when the one th..."

Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Impediments to Employment]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're "the Pokemon that show up when the one that you WANT doesn't". I am "Drifloon", the one that steals children...but not HEAVY children. Joining me this week is "Trubbish"...

'''Cameron:''' "Self-propelled garbage bag" joke.

'''Graham:''' ...and...''{LOOKS TO HIS LEFT}'''...Alex, what are you?

'''Alex:''' ''{BUNDLED UP IN A BLANKET}'' I'm COLD! Is THAT a Pokemon?!

'''Graham:''' Ummm,...uhhh,...we'll say you're...you're "Vanillish", the one that's, literally, an ice cream cone.

''{TITLE: VANILLISH WAS CREATED BY JAMES TURNER (NO RELATION)}''

'''Graham:''' A man in Grand Central Terminal suffered burns on his hand and legs after his e-cigarette exploded in his pocket.

'''Cameron:''' It's gotta be upsetting when you're waiting in line for the train and the guy next to you in line erupts in flame like a white phosphorus grenade that reeks of ham and cotton candy.

'''Alex:''' They've said e-cigarettes are not much better for you than smoking, but a pack of Malboros isn't gonna detonate!

'''Graham:''' Maybe he was just trying out the new vaping app for his Galaxy Note! ''{SMILES AS CONFETTI DROPS AND AN AIRHORN GOES OFF}''

'''Cameron:''' In retrospect, I suppose putting a heating coil next to a lithium-ion battery is an engineering challenge.

'''Alex:''' Maybe this is just the 2016 variant of the old "exploding cigar" trick.

'''Cameron:''' I suppose NOW we can all start worrying about the CIA or NSA remote-detonating our cigarettes.

'''Graham:''' According to the article on ABC News, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "E-cigarettes and other battery-operated electronic smoking devices occasionally do catch fire." ''{LOWERS PHONE}'' The same could be said of MOST objects.

'''Alex:''' I mean, ANYTHING'll burn if you make it hot enough. That's where we get lava.

'''Cameron:''' I feel that that line misses a morally - and also, probably legally - important distinction between something being "flammable" and something being "self-detonating"!

'''Graham:''' A German court has ruled that breast implants are not an impediment to becoming a police officer.

'''Cameron:''' How MANY breast implants are we talking here?

'''Alex:''' Depending on the size of said implants, I can see them being an impediment to ANY occupation.

'''Cameron:''' Were they concerned that breast implants in the ABSTRACT were, like, an impediment to becoming a police officer in the manner of, like, an obstacle course? Or a jiggling, swaying, bouncing castle?

'''Alex:''' If you encounter an implant in the field, first attempt to VERBALLY detain it, THEN physically restrain it.

'''Graham:''' This ruling came after a women appealed a police doctor's assessment that her implants might rupture in the course of law-enforcement work. But the court heard expert testimony that there was a less than twenty percent chance of that happening.

'''Alex:''' ''{SHOCKED}'' TWENTY PERCENT?!?

'''Cameron:''' I don't pay for plasma guns in "Warhammer 40K" 'cause there's a one in SIX chance that they rupture! Don't roll those dice!!

'''Alex:''' Statistically, her fifth physical altercation in this line of work is is gonna result in a flat.

'''Cameron:''' I feel there's a stereotype being avoided here of authoritarian German women in uniform with enormous titties.

'''Graham:''' A pair of brothers in the Slovak town of Trencin won a grave-digging competition by digging their grave faster than the ten other teams.

'''Alex:''' For...various interpretations of "won" or "their".

'''Cameron:''' What the fuck happened in Slovakia that they need to have a competition to dig graves as fast as possible?!

'''Graham:''' According to a five-member jury, their grave was also the "neatest".

'''Alex:''' The other ones were so sloppy; you wouldn't chuck your worst enemy in there.

'''Cameron:''' I would.

'''Alex:''' Also, what the fuck happened in Slovakia that they have a JURY to assess grave-digging in the same way you might assess a bottle of wine?!

'''Graham:''' Apparently, space is at a premium in Slovakian graveyards and so they have to use people rather than machines 'cause machines can't be as precise to get narrow spaces between them. It took 54 minutes.

'''Cameron:''' Cool. We found a manual labor job that's safe from automation AND will still be relevant even AFTER the robot uprising.

'''Alex:''' ''{ACTING AS ROBOT LOOKING DOWN ON A HUMAN}'' CLANG! Dig it yourself! You have 54 minutes!

'''Cameron:''' ''{LOOKING UP, ACTING AS HUMAN IN THIS "PLAY"}'' Or what?!

'''Alex:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, STILL AS ROBOT}'' You will not have a neat grave!

'''Graham:''' And, on THAT note, if you're looking for something to WEAR while watching a grave-digging competition, may I recommend THIS hat...''{DONS AN ORANGE COWBOY HAT WITH SIX HOLES AROUND THE RIM}''...which holds six beers! So, now, I just need to go and find six beers...and put them in a hat. I might buy a SEVENTH to actually drink, now that I think about it. 'Cause, otherwise, I'm just a guy with six beers in his hat. And, if you're gonna be THAT in public, I better be drinkin'!

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Graham:''' ''{LOOKING AT HIS iPHONE}'' This...this story doesn't seem THAT weird.

'''Alex:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Maybe we can MAKE it weird.

'''Graham:''' Yeah, maybe. I just going with the ones that you gave me. I can find my own, but...''{SHRUGS}''

Impediments to Employment

2016-12-20T17:03:34Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, e-Cigs explode, breast implants don't, and graves are neat! ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump279.jpg|300px|thumb|"...an impediment to ANY occupatio..."

This week on Feed Dump, e-Cigs explode, breast implants don't, and graves are neat!
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump279.jpg|300px|thumb|"...an impediment to ANY occupation"]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = November 27, 2016

|Host = Graham Stark

|Cohost1 = Cameron Lauder
|Cohost2 = Alex Steacy

|EditedBy = Ian Horner

}}

==Synopsis==
* A man in Grand Central Terminal suffered burns on his hand and legs after his e-cigarette exploded in his pocket.
* A German court has ruled that breast implants are not an impediment to becoming a police officer.
* A pair of brothers in the Slovak town of Trencin won a grave-digging competition by digging their grave the fastest.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 279
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rwJHrURB9k
|Forum-LRR = 25144
}}

File:FeedDump279.jpg

2016-12-20T17:01:45Z

Chriswolvie:

Stralia! Transcript

2016-11-13T19:12:12Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump - Stralia! ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump...this week brought to you from the "Lunar Module" in anticipation of "Des..."

Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Stralia!]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump...this week brought to you from the "Lunar Module" in anticipation of "Desert Bus 10", which starts tomorrow morning at 10am(PST), by the way. You can watch on ''{SUPERIMPOSED TITLE BENEATH KATHLEEN WITH THE ADDRESS AS SHE SAYS IT}'' Twitch.tv/desertbus. This week, in an attempt to escape all sorts of things (for no particular reason) ''{BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "Thanks America"}'', we're doing an Australian special! And joining me is a "koala"...

'''Serge:''' The majestic koala, also know as the "drop bear". Cuddly but vicious.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and a "wallaby".

'''Jordan:''' I'm new here and I don't know what I look like.

''{TITLE: IT'S JUST A SMALL KANGAROO, JORDAN (PICTURE OF ONE SUPERIMPOSED NEAR THE END)}''

'''Kathleen:''' A guerrilla tourism marketing agency has decided that the Northern Territories needs to spice up its marketing attempts. So they've unveiled a new slogan: ''{SHOT OF SAID ACTUAL SLOGAN}'' "C U in the N.T.".

'''Jordan:''' It's a C-U-N-T...on a mound.

'''Serge:''' Mistakes like this is why you hire professional designers.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LOOKING AT BOTH TO HER RIGHT}'' Oh, no...they did. This whole campaign was created by a group called "NT Official" (which, despite their name, has NO ties to the government of the Territories). They just really feel that people should go visit the Northern Territories. So much so, this is a direct quote from their spokesman: ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "We want people to recognize that, if they want to go to the NT, they shouldn't hesitate! They should just go and tell their friends to ''{SHOT OF SLOGAN AGAIN}'' 'C U in the N.T.'"

'''Jordan:''' Holy shit! They're doing this for the "exposure"!

'''Serge:''' And an important reminder, kids: never so strangers your C-U-N-T.

''{TITLE: THIS EPISODE IS ONLY GOING DOWNHILL FROM HERE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Brisbane police made an unusual find when they asked a 50-year-old woman if she had anything to declare. She did. What did she hand over?

'''Serge:''' Please don't tell me it was deadly, poisonous spiders 'cause they're everywhere.

'''Jordan:''' Well, there's just so much variety. You could have a brown one or a black one or a red one or the scorpions...

'''Serge:''' There's also poisonous snakes...shit, she pulled out a poisonous snake...what is hell is WRONG with this country?!

'''Jordan:''' Do they have poisonous koalas?

'''Serge:''' She pulled out her offspring. Like a kangaroo. Wait, are Australians actually kangaroos?

'''Jordan:''' She pulled out a shrimp-off-the-barbie.

'''Serge:''' Wait, does that mean that Australians are also barbecues? I am so confused...

'''Kathleen:''' Ten points to Gryffindor...at least, I ''think'' that would be Jordan's house...he's a first-time Feed Dump co-host so I don't really know. But I have Jordan as the closest because she handed over a zipped canvas bag and said it contained a baby koala.

'''Jordan:''' I strongly identify as the Hufflepuff that I've been sorted into!

'''Kathleen:''' Fine, then, badger-enthusiast or whatever the fuck the Hufflepuff spirit animal is! I'll tell you what the SLYTHERIN spirit animal is: it's "not giving a shit about how you feel about what house you're sorted into"...unless it's Slytherin. Uh, she was carrying around the koala because she found it...uh, and she had been caring for it? She was arrest(ed) on ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "outstanding matters", which is Australian for..."outstanding matters", I guess.

'''Serge:''' So, Good Samaritan finds an injured baby koala on the ground, rescues it and you don't wipe out their entire criminal record?!? What the HELL is wrong with your justice system, Australia?! For shame!!

'''Jordan:''' But, Serge, they're ALL criminals. It's Australia.

''{BRIEF TEST PATTERN, FOLLOWED BY SHOT OF BOTH SERGE AND JORDAN}''

'''Serge:''' Australia, I'm sorry that we're making fun of you. But I know that you know that we know that you know that we still love you, right?

''{JORDAN LOOK QUESTIONINGLY AT SERGE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Police in Melbourne are hunting for Santa...because he robbed a post office.

'''Jordan:''' Now, when you say "hunting", are we talking manhunt with dogs and whistles and sirens...or is there just some dude with a bow and arrow looking for Santa?

'''Serge:''' ''{IN BAD STEVE IRWIN ACCENT}'' Crickey! Today, we're hunting Santas! You can track 'em pretty easy. ''{SNIFFS}'' You smell that? Milk and cookies.

''{BRIEF TEST PATTERN, FOLLOWED BY SHOT OF BOTH KATHLEEN AND JORDAN}''

'''Kathleen:''' Australia, I just want you to know that, despite the accent Serge just did, that you know that we know that you know that we still love you.

'''Jordan:''' ''{CONFUSED}'' Do we?

''{SHOT OF BLACK SCREEN WITH "Please write to:" ON IT, EERIE MUSIC IN BACKGROUND}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{IN BACKGROUND}'' If YOU would like to complain about the Australian accidents in this episode, ''{"Crododile Dundee LOL LOL Stralia!" APPEARS}'' please write to: ''{ADDRESS APPEARS AS READ}'' 123 Budgerigar Lane, WollongongDidgerydooDollaryDoos, Crickey! Knifey, Spoony, Australia, Ottawa, Canada.

''{BACK TO SET}''

'''Kathleen:''' OK, we're having a lot of fun here with Serge's accent problems but what we're REALLY missing is the key point of: "who robs a post office"?

'''Jordan:''' I've GOT it! Santa!

'''Kathleen:''' Normally, I would be disappointed but, at this point, I'm just happy that you guys were paying attention at SOME point during this episode.

'''Jordan:''' THERE we go, Kathleen. We solved the mystery.

'''Kathleen:''' Good enough! And, with that, we call this special all-Australian edition of Feed Dump to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have...''{DONS A GREY AND RED KNITTED TOQUE WITH REINDEER UPON IT}''...THIS hat...which, since we are not at the Moonbase, is actually just my friend Joe's hat. And you will note that it has jaunty reindeer on it, making this the first time a hat has ever been thematically appropriate to a Feed Dump. Yes, this reindeer-themed hat is thematically appropriate to our all-Australian Feed Dump...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF SERGE}''

'''Serge:''' Who doesn't proofread these things?!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' No, it's on...it's on PURPOSE, Serge.

'''Serge:''' Well, wasn't there a university that was, like, the "University of N.T." and then they had, like the cup/mug that attached to it and they ran into the same issue?

'''Jason Chinnock, the cameraman:''' ''{WITH SUBTITLES, AS IT WAS A BIT QUIET}'' That's MY university.

''{EVERYONE CRACKS UP UNTIL TEST PATTERN SHOWS}''

'''Jordan:''' ''{SINGING}'' And when push comes to shove/I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love!

''{CAMERA PANS BETWEEN JORDAN AND SERGE AS THEY 'DA DA DA' THE BRIDGE}''

Stralia!

2016-11-13T19:04:07Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, Australia provides us with a triple threat of stupid stories. ==Vital Statistics== "Who robs a post office?!" {{..."

This week on Feed Dump, Australia provides us with a triple threat of stupid stories.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump278.jpg|300px|thumb|"Who robs a post office?!"]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = November 11, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Serge Yager
|Cohost2 = Jordan Hopkins

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* All stories are set in Australia:
** A guerrilla tourism marketing agency, deciding that the Northern Territories needed to spice up its marketing attempts, unveiled a new slogan: "C U in the N.T.".
** Brisbane police made an unusual find when they asked a 50-year-old woman if she had anything to declare...and she handed over a baby koala in a zipped canvas bag.
** Police in Melbourne are hunting for Santa...because he robbed a post office.

==Trivia==
* The last song they sing was "You'll Be Back" from the hit musical "Hamilton".

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 278
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF4ahm0TVFY
|Forum-LRR =
}}

File:FeedDump278.jpg

2016-11-13T19:03:45Z

Chriswolvie:

Defeated by a Panda Transcript

2016-11-09T00:15:20Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump - Defeated by a Panda ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Ian:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all "walking simulators". I am "Gone Home"...or..."

Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Defeated by a Panda]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Ian:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all "walking simulators". I am "Gone Home"...or, at least, I will be once I'm done recording. Joining me this week is "Super Mario Bros."...

'''Beej:''' I mean, it's more of an "endless runner" but I'm not picky.

'''Ian:''' ...and "Virtual Insanity".

'''Cori:''' It's called "Jamiroquai Game"

''{TITLE: NOW THERE IS NO SOUND FOR WE ALL LIVE UNDERGROUND}''

'''Ian:''' Following a spate of seven robberies since the beginning of the summer, a scrapyard owner in eastern Spain has replaced all of his guard dogs with bulls.

'''Beej:''' Wait, you mean, like those things that you roll on lawns?

'''Cori:''' ''{TO IAN}'' I...I really thought you were going to go for more alliteration there with, like, snakes. "Spanish scrapyard snakes".

'''Beej:''' The pain in Spain comes mainly from the sna...snainks...snainks. Got it in one.

'''Ian:''' ''{HOLDING SMARTPHONE}'' Emilio Cerveró bought two fighting bulls to replace his guard dogs after thieves kept snipping the wires of his fence and making off with ''{READS FROM PHONE}'' "such objects as rear-view mirrors, lights or spare wheels".

'''Beej:''' ''{IN SUDDEN UNDERSTANDING}'' BULLS! Like what shtoop cows!

'''Cori:''' ''{COUNTING ON HANDS}'' So they stole a rear-view mirror, a light and a wheel...to "MacGyver" what?

'''Beej:''' Some sort of "Iron Giant" project?

'''Cori:''' If a fighting bull is still alive, is it really good or really bad at what it does? What do their, like, retirement plans look like?

'''Beej:''' Normally you by two of something to get them to breed. I hope he wasn't counting on that. But, if he was, I hope he sets up a webcam.

'''Cori:''' He's gonna be real disappointed when he discovers the thieves are matadors and they're building a giant mecha-matador.

'''Beej:''' And, with the rear-view mirror, they'll have NO blind spots!

'''Ian:''' A Tuscon man who was locked out of his home had to be pulled out of his own chimney after he was trying to get back inside. Neighbors heard screams but the man had to endure four hours before he was pulled to safety.

'''Beej:''' I admire his original thinking and...child-like wonder. Uh, but you have to imagine there's gotta be a better solution for this. Like, he could've kept keys with the neighbors. He...he could've just left the keys somewhere on his property!

'''Cori:''' Well, given his original thinking, he probably keeps the spare key IN the chimney to deter thieves.

'''Beej:''' OK, in all this wild speculation, we are losing track of the true question here: face-up or ass-up?

'''Ian:''' Funny you should ask that, Beej. The 26-year-old almost MADE it into his home; his feet were touching the ground before he was pulled up by a rope. But the chimney narrowed as it got closer to the fireplace, making movement impossible.

'''Cori:''' It's like that hole was MADE for him!

'''Beej:''' 'Kay, now I have a beef with this architect. Because, if a relatively healthy 26-year-old person can't make it out of his own chimney, how the FUCK is Santa supposed to?!?

'''Cori:''' And, with all of the doors and windows locked, how's the TOOTH FAIRY supposed to get in?!

'''Beej:''' And, if you don't have a trench in your backyard, how is Laura Secord supposed to bury all of her chocolates?!? Arizona's the WORST! So beige!

'''Ian:''' And finally, as is tradition on an Ian-hosted Feed Dump, it's time for "Bear News". This week: a man in Jiangxi, China was defeated by a panda as he was trying to impress his female friends while visiting a zoo.

'''Cori:''' This man's NOT seen "Kung Fu Panda"...one, two or three!

'''Beej:''' How can you POSSIBLY get defeated by a panda?! What do you challenge a panda to that they're interested in doing AT ALL?!

'''Cori:''' And why would you impress women by beating up charismatic macro-fauna?

'''Beej:''' I dunno, Cori! I've never really learned how to flirt, did I?!

'''Cori:''' ''{TO BEEJ}'' You think '''I''' know how to flirt?! I don't think anyone in this ROOM knows how to flirt! I don't think anyone in this BUILDING knows how to flirt! ''{TO THE MIDDLE CHAIR}'' Cam, do YOU know how to flirt?!

'''Cameron:''' ''{IN IAN'S SPOT}'' Well,...not on purpose.

'''Cori:''' Thank you!

'''Beej:''' What were we even talking about again?

'''Ian:''' Well, I was GOING to tell you guys about how this guy wandered into the panda enclosure, poked the bear while it was sleeping until it woke up and grabbed him, pinned him to the ground and...

'''Beej:''' Oh, cool! Like in "The Revenant"?!

'''Cori:''' Leo's got his Oscar now. Might as well give one to everyone else.

'''Ian:''' And, on that note, there may be better sources for news out there, but they also don't have Oscars and they don't have this HAT...''{DONS A U.S. NAVY CAP WITH "USS WYOMING" ON THE FRONT}''...which is from the USS Wyoming which I believe is...''{REMOVES CAP AND LOOKS AT THE FRONT}''...a boat...I'm gonna say aircraft carrier. It's got our...''{PUTS IT ON BACKWARDS TO SHOW "LoadingReadyRun" ON THE BACK}''..."name" on the back there so I can be all "hip" like the kids. "You, waddup? I'm with LoadingReadyRun. We're gonna sit here and we'll have some fun. On Feed Dump." Yeah.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF BEEJ}''

'''Cori:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' And if there's no well,...

'''Beej:''' Yeah, and, if there's no well,...how is Susan B. Anthony supposed to hide all her Sacagawea dollars?!

Defeated by a Panda

2016-11-09T00:07:58Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Bulls, pandas, and historical figures all make the news this week on Feed Dump. ==Vital Statistics== "I'm not picky." {{VitalStatisticsF..."

Bulls, pandas, and historical figures all make the news this week on Feed Dump.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump277.jpg|300px|thumb|"I'm not picky."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = November 5, 2016

|Host = Ian Horner

|Cohost1 = Brendan "Beej" Dery
|Cohost2 = Cori Dickenson

|EditedBy = Ian Horner

}}

'''Special Appearance by:''' {{AppearanceByPlain|Cameron Lauder}}

==Synopsis==
* A scrapyard owner in eastern Spain has replaced all of his guard dogs with bulls.
* A Tuscon, AZ man who was locked out of his home had to be pulled out of his own chimney after he was trying to get back inside.
* A man in Jiangxi, China was defeated by a panda as he was trying to impress his female friends while visiting a zoo.

==Trivia==
* Jamiroquai had an underground hit in US in '97 with "Virtual Insanity", which had a video of which "Jamiroquai Game" is based on." "Now there is no sound..." are the lines at the end of the chorus.
* Laura Secord was a Canadian heroine in the War of 1812. She has chocolates named after her.
* The USS Wyoming (SSBN-742) is actually a submarine.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 277
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54Lu7R5AzK4
|Forum-LRR = 25114
}}

File:FeedDump277.jpg

2016-11-09T00:06:28Z

Chriswolvie:

Last March of the Ents Transcript

2016-10-31T01:17:59Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump - [[Last March of the Ents]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Ian:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. It's the last Friday before Halloween, so we're all taking a trip down memory lane as we are "Halloween costumes we wore as children". I am a "cowboy with a hammer" because I wasn't allowed to wander around with a gun on the streets. Joining me this week is "a tube of toothpaste"...

'''Kate:''' Not a particularly SCARY Halloween costume but I was super into oral care that year.

'''Ian:''' ...and "a dinosaur".

'''Serge:''' What? I just really dug dinosaurs.

''{TITLE: SERGE, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CALLED PALENTOLOGISTS}''

'''Ian:''' A Maine resident was arrested for obstructing traffic while crossing the street dressed as a bush.

'''Kate:''' And, on this week's "DIY Tuesday", we're gonna make our own Gilly suit.

'''Serge:''' It's just the latest fashion with the kids. "Forget camo, I'm going full force!"

'''Kate:''' It's not even Halloween; you guys have GOT to chill out with the Christmas decorations!

'''Ian:''' ''{READING FROM SMARTPHONE}'' According to the story, one Asher Wood(s)worth is a local performance artist in Portland, Maine. He says, "I just had this very clear vision as I was meditating one day" and wants to make people "rethink their expectations".

'''Serge:''' I've met some other ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "tree men" who were offering me ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "expectations" on the ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "street". And, uh,...''{SHAKES HEAD}''...yeah, don't go for it, kids.

'''Kate:''' It sounds like he was trying to get them to rethink their expectations of their upcoming "peyote trip" 'cause that's the ONLY way that this makes sense at all.

'''Ian:''' When asked why he was dressing up as a tree, he said he feels a very strong "kinship" for the trees and reported that the outfit "smelled great".

'''Serge:''' Hold on. So, after all of this, he just did it because it smells nice?!

'''Kate:''' Dude, just get, like, a candle or an air freshener or, like, a reed diffuser. I shit you not, I spent, like, thirty minutes today smelling, like, pine candles. They're really good these days. You don't need to dress as a fucking tree.

'''Ian:''' Well, the outfit WAS made out of a mixture of different trees and it took he and he friends several hours to put it on.

'''Kate:''' He has FRIENDS?! Not just one but MULTIPLE friends?!?

'''Serge:''' I dunno, Kate. What if his friends are Ents? Like from "Lord of the Rings"? That would totally explain why it would take hours to put that costume together.

'''Kate:''' Oh, "Lord of the Rings". ''{HOLDS UP iPHONE}'' I thought you guys were talking about "r/ents" where the top post is now, "Got stood up on a date so I'm smoking until I'm convinced Pokemon are real". They call themselves "ents" because they smoke trees.

'''Ian:''' Police in Gunma, Japan are reporting that a 63-year-old karate expert is the unlikely victor of a fight with a bear.

'''Serge:''' ''{EXCITED}'' These are the kinds of stories I want to HEAR about! This is GREAT! CONTINUE these martial traditions! Go into the forest and fight a bear! Actually, real talk, don't fight a bear. That's...that's not a good idea.

'''Ian:''' ''{READING FROM SMARTPHONE}'' Atsushi Aoki was fishing in the mountains of Gunma Prefecture when the animal emerged from the woodland. Mr. Aoki says that the bear had "rounded ears that were perfectly circular like that of a teddy bear and its face was so huge."

'''Kate:''' ''{COUNTING OFF ON FINGERS}'' Round ears, huge head...he's just describing a bear. That's just what bears look like.

'''Ian:''' ''{STILL READING MR. AOKI'S ACCOUNT FROM SMARTPHONE}'' "The bear had such, such strength. I was knocked over when it leapt at me. It scratched me and bit me. But in the end I managed to trick the bear, poked it in the eyes and it ran away."

'''Serge:''' This doesn't sound super-martial-artsy. "Poked in the eye" sounds like my last encounter with a cat.

'''Kate:''' Serge, you clearly just don't know martial arts very well. "Poke in the eye" is, like, "black belt" stuff and I'm pretty sure you only got your green belt so...

'''Serge:''' Oh, no, Kate. You got that wrong. The CAT poked ME in the eye.

'''Kate:''' Wait, is THAT why you call my cat "sensei"?!

'''Ian:''' Dateline: Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania. The local marathon is delayed by ten full minutes because of...''{LOOKS TO CO-HOSTS}''...what?

'''Serge:''' The final person crossing the finish line of the LAST marathon. They take FOREVER.

'''Kate:''' Stoned guy dressed as a tree?

'''Serge:''' Stoned OLD MAN dressed as a tree.

'''Kate:''' Stoned old man dressed as a tree attacking a BEAR.

'''Serge:''' Karate cat sensei teaching the stoned old man dressed as a tree HOW to fight the bear. ''{WHISPERING}'' Sweep the leg.

'''Ian:''' No. You're BOTH terrible at this game. It was actually a train. A slow train crossed the path of the race, causing one hundred of the competitors to be delayed by up to ten minutes. One of whom was on the last chance of his life to qualify for the Boston Marathon...and came in eight minutes over his qualifying time.

'''Kate:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' (GASP) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

''{ON-SCREEN}'' Fucking...trains!

'''Serge:''' Kate, that sounds like you've got personal beef with trains.

'''Kate:''' I '''do'''! And that's because I got stuck in between two trains at TwitchCon in San Diego for thirty minutes. And people decided, instead of just waiting for the train to move, that they would start crawling OVER the train...but, also, UNDER the train. Then the train started moving with two girls underneath it...and it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life!

'''Serge:''' Let this be a lesson to you kids: if a moving train is in your path, just wait. It's not worth it.

'''Ian:''' ''{SURPRISED}'' Wow! Feed Dump, an...oddly cogent source of good advice. Well, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this pin ''{POINTS TO LAPEL PIN}'', which was given to us by Alex, and they don't have this HAT...''{DONS JESTER'S CAP}''...which was given to us by "Sexy Reverend" which, I think, makes me look quite the fool. It's got neat little jingly bits. ''{PLAYS WITH ONE OF THEM}'' They're actual brass. ''{PUTS IT IN MOUTH THEN SPITS IT OUT}'' Tastes terrible.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Kate:''' ''{TO IAN AND SERGE}'' I ''did'' spend that much time smelling pine candles. ''{MEN LAUGH OFF-CAMERA}'' I want one that smells like a Christmas tree.

[[Category:Transcripts]]

Last March of the Ents Transcript

2016-10-31T01:09:08Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- Last March of the Ents ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Ian:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. It's the last Friday before Halloween, so we're all taking a tri..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Last March of the Ents]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Ian:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. It's the last Friday before Halloween, so we're all taking a trip down memory lane as we are "Halloween costumes we wore as children". I am a "cowboy with a hammer" because I wasn't allowed to wander around with a gun on the streets. Joining me this week is "a tube of toothpaste"...

'''Kate:''' Not a particularly SCARY Halloween costume but I was super into oral care that year.

'''Ian:''' ...and "a dinosaur".

'''Serge:''' What? I just really dug dinosaurs.

''{TITLE: SERGE, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CALLED PALENTOLOGISTS}''

'''Ian:''' A Maine resident was arrested for obstructing traffic while crossing the street dressed as a bush.

Kate: And, on this week's "DIY Tuesday", we're gonna make our own Gilly suit.

Serge: It's just the latest fashion with the kids. "Forget camo, I'm going full force!"

Kate: It's not even Halloween; you guys have GOT to chill out with the Christmas decorations!

Ian: ''{READING FROM SMARTPHONE}'' According to the story, one Asher Wood(s)worth is a local performance artist in Portland, Maine. He says, "I just had this very clear vision as I was meditating one day" and wants to make people "rethink their expectations".

Serge: I've met some other ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "tree men" who were offering me ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "expectations" on the ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "street". And, uh,...''{SHAKES HEAD}''...yeah, don't go for it, kids.

Kate: It sounds like he was trying to get them to rethink their expectations of their upcoming "peyote trip" 'cause that's the ONLY way that this makes sense at all.

Ian: When asked why he was dressing up as a tree, he said he feels a very strong "kinship" for the trees and reported that the outfit "smelled great".

Serge: Hold on. So, after all of this, he just did it because it smells nice?!

Kate: Dude, just get, like, a candle or an air freshener or, like, a reed diffuser. I shit you not, I spent, like, thirty minutes today smelling, like, pine candles. They're really good these days. You don't need to dress as a fucking tree.

Ian: Well, the outfit WAS made out of a mixture of different trees and it took he and he friends several hours to put it on.

Kate: He has FRIENDS?! Not just one but MULTIPLE friends?!?

Serge: I dunno, Kate. What if his friends are Ents? Like from "Lord of the Rings"? That would totally explain why it would take hours to put that costume together.

Kate: Oh, "Lord of the Rings". ''{HOLDS UP iPHONE}'' I thought you guys were talking about "r/ents" where the top post is now, "Got stood up on a date so I'm smoking until I'm convinced Pokemon are real". They call themselves "ents" because they smoke trees.

'''Ian:''' Police in Gunma, Japan are reporting that a 63-year-old karate expert is the unlikely victor of a fight with a bear.

Serge: ''{EXCITED}'' These are the kinds of stories I want to HEAR about! This is GREAT! CONTINUE these martial traditions! Go into the forest and fight a bear! Actually, real talk, don't fight a bear. That's...that's not a good idea.

Ian: ''{READING FROM SMARTPHONE}'' Atsushi Aoki was fishing in the mountains of Gunma Prefecture when the animal emerged from the woodland. Mr. Aoki says that the bear had "rounded ears that were perfectly circular like that of a teddy bear and its face was so huge."

Kate: ''{COUNTING OFF ON FINGERS}'' Round ears, huge head...he's just describing a bear. That's just what bears look like.

Ian: ''{STILL READING MR. AOKI'S ACCOUNT FROM SMARTPHONE}'' "The bear had such, such strength. I was knocked over when it leapt at me. It scratched me and bit me. But in the end I managed to trick the bear, poked it in the eyes and it ran away."

Serge: This doesn't sound super-martial-artsy. "Poked in the eye" sounds like my last encounter with a cat.

Kate: Serge, you clearly just don't know martial arts very well. "Poke in the eye" is, like, "black belt" stuff and I'm pretty sure you only got your green belt so...

Serge: Oh, no, Kate. You got that wrong. The CAT poked ME in the eye.

Kate: Wait, is THAT why you call my cat "sensei"?!

'''Ian:''' Dateline: Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania. The local marathon is delayed by ten full minutes because of...''{LOOKS TO CO-HOSTS}''...what?

Serge: The final person crossing the finish line of the LAST marathon. They take FOREVER.

Kate: Stoned guy dressed as a tree?

Serge: Stoned OLD MAN dressed as a tree.

Kate: Stoned old man dressed as a tree attacking a BEAR.

Serge: Karate cat sensei teaching the stoned old man dressed as a tree HOW to fight the bear. ''{WHISPERING}'' Sweep the leg.

Ian: No. You're BOTH terrible at this game. It was actually a train. A slow train crossed the path of the race, causing one hundred of the competitors to be delayed by up to ten minutes. One of whom was on the last chance of his life to qualify for the Boston Marathon...and came in eight minutes over his qualifying time.

Kate: ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' (GASP) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

''{ON-SCREEN}'' Fucking...trains!

Serge: Kate, that sounds like you've got personal beef with trains.

Kate: I '''do'''! And that's because I got stuck in between two trains at TwitchCon in San Diego for thirty minutes. And people decided, instead of just waiting for the train to move, that they would start crawling OVER the train...but, also, UNDER the train. Then the train started moving with two girls underneath it...and it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life!

Serge: Let this be a lesson to you kids: if a moving train is in your path, just wait. It's not worth it.

'''Ian:''' ''{SURPRISED}'' Wow! Feed Dump, an...oddly cogent source of good advice. Well, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this pin ''{POINTS TO LAPEL PIN}'', which was given to us by Alex, and they don't have this HAT...''{DONS JESTER'S CAP}''...which was given to us by "Sexy Reverend" which, I think, makes me look quite the fool. It's got neat little jingly bits. ''{PLAYS WITH ONE OF THEM}'' They're actual brass. ''{PUTS IT IN MOUTH THEN SPITS IT OUT}'' Tastes terrible.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Kate:''' ''{TO IAN AND SERGE}'' I ''did'' spend that much time smelling pine candles. ''{MEN LAUGH OFF-CAMERA}'' I want one that smells like a Christmas tree.

Last March of the Ents

2016-10-31T00:49:21Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, we discuss tree suits, ursine martial arts, and the danger of trains. ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump276.jpg|300px|thumb|"Stoned old man dressed..."

This week on Feed Dump, we discuss tree suits, ursine martial arts, and the danger of trains.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump276.jpg|300px|thumb|"Stoned old man dressed as a tree attacking a bear."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 28, 2016

|Host = Ian Horner

|Cohost1 = Serge Yager
|Cohost2 = Kate Stark

|EditedBy = Ian Horner

}}

==Synopsis==
* A Portland, Maine resident performance artist was arrested for obstructing traffic while crossing the street dressed as a bush.
* Police in Gunma, Japan are reporting that a 63-year-old karate expert is the unlikely victor of a fight with a bear.
* The Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania marathon was delayed for ten minutes due to a train crossing.

==Trivia==
* "r/ent" is a sub-folder of Reddit for posts from "ents", or those who habitually smoke marijuana.
* "Sensei" essentially means "teacher" in Japanese.
* "Sweep the leg" is a famous quote from the end of the original "Karate Kid".

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 276
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtTIQFy0TI0
|Forum-LRR = 25111
}}

File:FeedDump276.jpg

2016-10-31T00:48:52Z

Chriswolvie: Chriswolvie uploaded a new version of File:FeedDump276.jpg

File:FeedDump276.jpg

2016-10-31T00:47:09Z

Chriswolvie:

Pope Boat Transcript

2016-10-24T17:46:18Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Pope Boat] ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. In honor of the PokeRap and of Pokemon in general, we are "raps about the..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Pope Boat]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. In honor of the PokeRap and of Pokemon in general, we are "raps about the new Pokemon Starters". I'm "Rowlet"...''{STARTS BEAT-BOXING}'' "Hey, everybody, I'm on the prowl/I'm a cool archery owl!" Joining me this week is "Popplio"...

'''Serge:''' "If you pick me, don't get down/Even though I look like a clown?"

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Litten".

'''Ben:''' "So get the game and keep the appointment/My third form is a huge disappointment."

''{PICTURE OF SAID THIRD FORM WITH TITLE: PUNCH CAT SUCKS ASS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Hey, it's a "spicy food YouTube video"! Oh, laugh at that person as they eat some Bhut jolokia and then cry tears of pain. Except, maybe DON'T do that because fifteen minutes of viral fame is not worth what happened to one 47-year-old American man who did that and then ended up with a 2.5-centimeter-long tear in his esophagus. He was in the hospital for 23 days.

Ben: See, this is why humans are just weak specimens. Frogs, when they have to throw up, just throw-up their entire stomach and then scoop everything out. Easy as pie.

Serge: I prefer the starfish method of actually taking my stomach outside of my body, directly digesting everything and then bringing it back in. Skips the whole throat thing.

Kathleen: Go with me on this journey: ...or, or, instead of becoming a frog or a starfish, you just...don't eat something so spicy that you retch so violently you tear a hole in your own esophagus. Putting it out there.

Serge: And that, Kathleen, is why you'll never be internet famous.

Ben: Oh, shit! We just demonstrated TWO types of burns!

'''Kathleen:''' The "creepy clown" phenomenon rages on and there has been yet another victim: British swingers who wanted to dress as clowns for Halloween. The famous "Paradise Spa" has banned clown costumes from its annual Halloween orgy.

Serge: I mean, as sad as it is to not be able to have sex with horrifying clowns, there's lots of OTHER scary things you can have sex with: vampires, zombies, the ironic ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "sexy Donald Trump" costume...

Ben: I dunno, Serge. I've never wanted to fuck an Oompa-Loompa. ''{AIR HORN APP GOES OFF}''

Serge: I made eye contact with Ben while he said that line and now I'm really uncomfortable.

Ben: ''{IN BAD TRUMP IMPRESSION}'' You can be my "nasty woman" any day, Serge.

Kathleen: I'm not sure what makes me more uncomfortable in this situation: that 1) it took us mere milliseconds to find an offensive Donald Trump quote that we can use as a joke or 2) that was more of a Christopher Walken impression.

Serge: I ''am'' OK with "sexy Christopher Walken" costumes.

''{SHOT OF CHRISTOPHER WALKEN WHILE AIR HORN APP GOES OFF}''

Ben: I still feel like I need to take a cold shower after that one.

'''Kathleen:''' Why, Ben, is that a set of Venetian blinds in your pocket or are you happy to see me? ''{BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: HE'S HAPPY TO SEE SERGE}'' Because a Northampton man stole a set of Venetian blinds by jamming them down his trouser leg and then up the hood of his coat. ''{SHOT OF ACTUAL SECURITY CAMERA PICTURE OF SAID MAN SHOWN}'' Here's a picture. ''{SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: SO SUBTLE}''

Serge: There are so many smaller things worth so much more money...what are you DOING?!

Kathleen: Trying to finish off his living room decor...DUH, Serge!

Ben: ''{TO SERGE}'' Yeah, there's nothing in the IKEA catalogue that really screams "little Vatican in my home".

Serge: Vatican...Venetian...oh, you're thinking Venice! Ooo...

Ben: ''{TO SERGE}'' Yeah...the place where the Pope rides on the boat!

''{SHOT OF SERGE WITH HEAD IN HANDS}''

Kathleen: ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Hold on, hold on, hold on. ''{CAMERA PANS TO KATHLEEN}'' "Pope Boat" has an amazing ring to it.

Ben: Yeah, it sounds like an awesome new game show! ''{SINGING}'' "Pope on a boat, Pope on a boat, can your faith make ya float?"

Kathleen: ''{SINGING}'' "Spoilers: no it won't! You're a heathen and you're gonna drown!"

''{SHOT OF A "POPE ON A BOAT" TITLE SLATE, TITLE JUST BELOW IT. IN THE CORNER: "COMING TO FOX/THURSDAYS AFTER "NUN TOUCHERS"}''

Ben: ''{BEHIND SLATE}'' Coming to you this January on FOX!

''{BACK TO LIVE SHOTS}''

Serge: You took this...REALLY far...just to cover-up the fact you don't know what Venetian blinds are.

'''Kathleen:''' I feel like that's how MOST things get out of hand, though. You don't know what you're doing and so that you lie to cover it up. Like you run for President and you accidentally become the nominee and then you try to sink your own campaign by saying a series of progressively more ludicrous and insane things like, "I won't respect elections" and "Women are awful"...y'know, ALL of these things. Anyhow, it's time for the hat. ''{DONS BEIGE SUNHAT}'' Because there may be better sources of news, but they don't have THIS hat...which is a lovely "Blossom" hat, I guess. I feel very, like, "mid-90s teen" in this. Yeah? Yeah? All right, yeah. OK. It goes with my "mid-90s Japanese teen" haircut right now. So, y'know, it's good, it's good. Call me "Akane".

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Ben:''' Isn't that what a "Carolina Reaper" is? It summons, like, an actual Grim Reaper whose scythe slides down your throat as you consume it?

Pope Boat

2016-10-24T17:37:47Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, thefts, hot peppers and celibate clown orgies. ==Vital Statistics== "Oh, you're thinking Venice..." {{VitalStati..."

This week on Feed Dump, thefts, hot peppers and celibate clown orgies.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump275.jpg|300px|thumb|"Oh, you're thinking Venice..."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 22, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Serge Yager
|Cohost2 = Ben Ulmer

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* A 42-year-old American got a 2.5-cm tear in his esophagus after eating a Bhut jolokia pepper for an internet video.
* The famous British swingers club "Paradise Spa" has banned clown costumes from its annual Halloween orgy.
* A Northampton man tried to steal Venetian blinds by sticking them down his pants leg and up the hood of his coat.

==Trivia==
* Bhut jolokia (aka "Ghost Pepper") was once the hottest pepper in the world...until it was surpassed by Carolina Reaper.
* Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a "nasty woman" during their final Presidential debate.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 275
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bbA2_u78SU
|Forum-LRR = 25101
}}

File:FeedDump275.jpg

2016-10-24T17:34:11Z

Chriswolvie:

Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears Transcript

2016-10-17T17:14:06Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week we are all "pizzas". I'm a "Margarita wi..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week we are all "pizzas". I'm a "Margarita with anchovies", which is my favorite type of pizza. Joining me this week is a "Fungi"...

'''Ian:''' Nobody likes mushrooms so I get to eat the whole thing. I'm a "fun guy!"

'''Kathleen:''' Shut up, Ian. And a "Treatzza Pizza".

'''Ben:''' 'Cause we got cool treats and hot eats!

''{TITLE: LONG MAY THE DAIRY EMPRESS REIGN}''

'''Kathleen:''' Police arrested a Polish man after he tried to evade capture by hiding inside a dishwasher.

'''Ian:''' This is why we need to start exporting our PSAs more. If he'd hiding in the FRIDGE, he'd be MUCH safer.

'''Ben:''' Maybe this is like the MODERN version of the "Wet Bandits" from "Home Alone" where, instead of flooding the entire house, he washes their dishes at the end and then he just hops in 'cause that's his thing.

'''Ian:''' Of COURSE, he's gonna hide from the police in the dishwasher. That's not their jurisdiction anymore! This is a job for the Maytag Repair Man!

'''Ben:''' And his deputy, Mr. Clean!

'''Kathleen:''' And their goofy sidekick, lovable Madge from the Palmolive commercials!

''{SHOT OF PART OF SAID COMMERCIAL WITH MADGE SAYING, "OH, MORE THAN JUST MILD."...FOLLOWED BY A TEST PATTERN}''

'''Ian:''' How long was he planning to keep this ruse up? Like, if one of the owners came home and opened up the dishwasher, would he just say, ''{IN BAD POLISH ACCENT}'' "Give me some Jet-Dry" and hope they didn't notice?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{IN EQUALLY BAD POLISH ACCENT}'' "I not burglar! I've stubborn piece of stuck-on macaroni!"

'''Ben:''' And, apparently, this is where the phrase "Scrub Me Daddy" came from!

''{SHOT OF A "SCRUB DADDY" SPONGE...WITH MADGE SAYING, "OH, MORE THAN JUST MILD."}''

'''Kathleen:''' At this point in the Feed Dump "story arc", it's typically where I dispense more information...but there's not a lot more here. The guy was a burglar, he was trying to evade capture and then he thought he's hide in a dishwasher where the police was like, ''{MIMES OPENING DISHWASHER}'' "Come out of there." Um, but I ''will'' say...he WAS drunk, if you can believe it.

'''Ian:''' I mean, to be honest, if you're using a dishwasher as a make-shift "panic room", it's just one step above using your oven as a sleep aid.

'''Ben:''' Yeah, and if someone comes around and turns that dishwasher on, it's probably on par.

'''Ian:''' Well, I guess now that we've decided this is the darkest timeline, mustaches for all!!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{NOW WEARING 'EVIL VILLAIN' MUSTACHE}'' A twenty-four-year-old man from St. Paul, Minnesota was arrested after firing an AR-15 machine gun into a neighbor's house and claiming he was hunting zombies.

'''Ben:''' ''{WEARING 'BRUSH' MUSTACHE}'' See, this is just a clear case that we need a VR copy of "Call of Duty" zombies.

'''Kathleen:''' Ben, I cannot take you seriously while you're wearing that mustache. Why do you look like an old-timey prospector?

'''Ben:''' ''{IN OLD-TIMEY PROSPECTOR ACCENT}'' Because my jokes are GOLD!

'''Kathleen:''' At BEST, you're jokes are brass...but they're more-likely pyrite.

'''Ian:''' ''{WEARING 'CHARLIE CHAPLIN' MUSTACHE}'' Wow, Kathleen! Sick prospector burn! No, seriously, most prospectors fell ill due to scurvy and died from starvation.

'''Kathleen:''' Do we wanna talk about that guy who thought he was hunting zombies and almost killed one of his neighbors?

'''Ben:''' I dunno. I mean, to be fair, there's nothing in the article that says there WEREN'T zombies.

'''Kathleen:''' Uh, yeah, there was, actually. ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' According to this article, the bullet (which was marked as "Anti-Zombie Ammuntion") shattered the window of one Ken Quayle who was sleeping at the time and the bullet narrowly missed his head.

'''Ben:''' ''{IN OLD-TIMEY PROSPECTOR ACCENT}'' Well, I'm just happy that he didn't accidentally shoot a "miner"!

'''Ian:''' Kathleen, I think this story's "panned" out.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{NOW WITHOUT MUSTACHE}'' A 54-year-old hiker from California is lucky to be alive after he interrupted two bears having sex in the Sierra Madre Mountains...''{BREAKS ALONG WITH CO-HOSTS}''

''{TEST PATTERN}''

'''Ian:''' ''{ALSO SANS 'STACHE}'' Did he try to join in?!? Because,...bears are not known for being into that sort of thing!

'''Ben:''' ''{WITH MUSTACHE ON CHIN NOW}'' And THAT'S where we look into Ian's Google search history and find "bear threesomes".

'''Ian:''' ''{TO BEN}'' First of all, I use "Duck Duck Go" (which is ALSO not an animal threesome site). And if you search for "bear threesomes" on the internet, you are NOT going to find anything of the ursine variety.

'''Kathleen:''' Yeah, ''I'' know you use "Duck Duck Go", Ian, because you're always leaving it logged-in on the WORK computer! And then I go LOOK for something and I'm like, "Why is Google broken?! Oh, I'm on a website that doesn't give you any results that you ever wanted any time!!" '''Why do you use that search engine?!? THIS COMES FROM A REALLY IRRITATING PLACE!!!'''

''{CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}''

'''Ben:''' ''{WITH 'STACHE ON FOREHEAD NOW}'' And THAT'S about the reaction the BEARS had when this guy marched in on their bang sesh!

'''Kathleen:''' So we don't care that this guy lived but still had a head injury and cuts to his head, neck, legs, feet and torso? No? OK, more bear jokes.

'''Ian:''' I'm just glad he managed to walk away without getting a case of the "bear clap".

'''Ben:''' ''{'STACHE ON UPPER CHEST NOW}'' Or Hepatitis B. ''{SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: THE "B" STAND FOR BEAR}''

'''Kathleen:''' And we're DONE here! But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they won't wish you a happy birthday FIVE WEEKS after you asked me to (sorry on Twitter, Ian; I finally remembered)...and they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS TURKEY HAT}''...which is a delightful turkey hat and it's PERFECT to go with Canadian Thanksgiving! Gobbledy-gob... ''{BEN HOLDS HIS FAKE 'STACHE INTO THE SHOT, APPROACHING KATHLEEN. KATHLEEN SWATS 'STACHES AWAY AND THROWS TURKEY HAT AT BEN}'' FEED DUMP!

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF IAN TRYING TO REMOVE FAKE MUSTACHE; HE DOES WITH A LOAD GROAN, THEN CHECKS HIS TRUE MUSTACHE}''

'''Ian:''' Oh, no, I think some of the adhesive's in my mustache.

'''Ben:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Yeah, looks like it.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' It absolutely is.

'''Ian:''' Oh, boy, oh, boy.

'''Ben:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Yeah, it's not a big deal.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Yeah, it just looks like you have snot in your mustache.

'''Ian:''' Hurray...forever. COMMITMENT!

Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears

2016-10-17T17:07:48Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, Kathleen has a hard time taking Ben seriously, and an interoffice conflict arises. ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump274.jpg|300px|thumb|"Mustaches..."

This week on Feed Dump, Kathleen has a hard time taking Ben seriously, and an interoffice conflict arises.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump274.jpg|300px|thumb|"Mustaches for all!!"]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 15, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Ian Horner
|Cohost2 = Ben Ulmer

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* Police arrested a Polish man after he tried to evade capture by hiding inside a dishwasher.
* A St. Paul, MN man was arrested after firing an AR-15 machine gun into a neighbor's house and claiming he was hunting zombies.
* A California hiker is lucky to be alive after he interrupted two bears having sex in the Sierra Madre Mountains.

==Trivia==
* The "Treatzza Pizza" is a dessert "pizza" made by Dairy Queen (hence the "Empress" part of the title slate)
* Madge the manicurist was a character in Palmolive dish-washing liquid ads in the 70s. Her catch phrase, after putting clients' hands in the liquid, is "You're soaking in it."

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 274
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQPXm_OUdrA
|Forum-LRR = 25090
}}

File:FeedDump274.jpg

2016-10-17T17:07:30Z

Chriswolvie:

A Frank Exchange of Views

2016-10-17T17:03:20Z

Chriswolvie:

This week on Feed Dump, free tattoos, a Chuck E Cheese brawl, and scary clowns get out of hand.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump273.jpg|300px|thumb|"Heh heh...'Whole Glory'" *badum-tish*]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 8, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Serge Yager
|Cohost2 = Brendan "Beej" Dery

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* Famed tattoo artist Scott Campbell gave away free arm tattoos in London...provided you just stick your arm in a hole and not know what you get.
* A ten-minute brawl broke out at a Miami Chuck E. Cheese because someone "looked at somebody else funny".
* A Cincinnati woman has been charged with "making a false alarm" after she lied saying she was late to work because a "scary clown" attacked her.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 273
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx0ZpSOmRNQ
|Forum-LRR = 25080
}}

A Frank Exchange of Views Transcript

2016-10-16T04:43:39Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[A Frank Exchange of Views]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. Fall wears on and it's the season of debates...in one country in particular and the rest of the world cannot get away from it...even though, for the love of God, please just let November be OVER already!! But, y'know what? There's other debates happening, too. Such as me: I'm "My dad can beat up your dad!". Joining me this week is "Guy who wants to get off a bus after his stop has gone by"...

''{SHOT OF SERGE AND BEEJ, BEEJ PRETENDING TO BE DRIVING AFOREMENTIONED BUS}''

'''Serge:''' You just missed my stop!

'''Beej:''' No, sir, the light didn't go on.

'''Serge:''' I pulled the cord!

'''Beej:''' No, but, the light didn't go on and I didn't hear the bell.

'''Serge:''' Can't you just pull over now?

'''Beej:''' No, I can't 'cause I can't stop where there's no stop.

'''Serge:''' But I pulled the cord! You missed my stop!

'''Beej:''' Can you...can you please just go sit down?!

'''Serge:''' There's nowhere to sit!!

'''Beej:''' Sir, I need you to sit!

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "No, sir, you really didn't ask for ketchup on your burger".

''{BACK TO SERGE AND BEEJ}''

'''Beej:''' Why isn't there any ketchup on my burger?

'''Serge:''' You didn't ASK for ketchup.

'''Beej:''' Why didn't you just PUT ketchup on the burger? Just KNOW that I wanted ketchup?

'''Serge:''' The menu says there's no ketchup on the burger.

'''Beej:''' But EVERYONE puts ketchup on a burger!

'''Serge:''' I can get you a SIDE of ketchup...

'''Beej:''' No, I want this remade with ketchup ON it!

'''Serge:''' Are you serious?!

''{TITLE: I HAVE SEEN BOTH OF THESE IRL}''

'''Kathleen:''' Everybody love tattoos but, gosh, why does etching something permanently on your body happen to be so darned expensive?! If you want a FREE tattoo, famed tattoo artist Scott Campbell is giving them out next week in London. The catch is you just put your arm through a hole and then you get what you get.

'''Beej:''' You'll probably end up with just a dick. Or the Chinese word for "dick". Or the Chinese words for "just a dick".

'''Serge:''' What do you think's gonna happen when you just stick an appendage in a public hole?

'''Beej:''' ''{SMILING}'' Something "glorious".

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO BEEJ}'' Oh, no, Scott Campbell is WAY ahead of you. The name of this instillation art project is..."Whole Glory". ''{DRUM RIMSHOT}''

'''Serge:''' At least this artist has it right. I mean, what are artists THINKING, charging for their work? I mean, they should just be doing it for exposure.

'''Beej:''' Or for the love of the craft. ''{SWEEPS HAND ACROSS BOTTOM OF SCREEN, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun"}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{DURING SLIDESHOW OF SOME OF CAMPBELL'S PREVIOUS WORK}'' As you can see from Scott Campbell's Instagram, some of these tattoos that he's done are pretty great...and some of them...are a Willie Nelson Skull with the word "TRUST" on a bandana. ''{BACK TO SHOT OF KATHLEEN}'' Yeah, I'd sure be thrilled to get THAT one.

'''Beej:''' No, no, this format has possibilities. I can think of all sorts of things in my NORMAL line of work that I would LOVE to use a "glory hole" for. Just bring a computer to the office, hand it over and trust that I won't smash it into a thousand bits 'cause you're an idiot.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO BEEJ}'' How is that different from normal tech support?

'''Beej:''' I don't work at "Geek Squad" anymore.

'''Kathleen:''' Even children don't REALLY want to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but I ''certainly'' don't want to go to a Chuck E. Cheese in Miami after a ten-minute long brawl broke out because somebody looked at somebody else "funny", and then that that devolved into pushing, screaming and hair-pulling.

'''Beej:''' Ten minutes?! At what point do the adults get involved?

'''Serge:''' It...WAS the adults.

'''Beej:''' My dad can beat up YOUR dad!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' Uh-huh!

'''Serge:''' Nut-uh!

'''Beej:''' WATCH! GET 'IM, DAD!!

'''Kathleen:''' I can understand why tensions run high at a Chuck E. Cheese. The soundtrack is the most grating pop hits of the early 2000s, it's ninety dollars to throw a pizza party for your kids and what you get is cardboard draped in grease and Skee-ball scum, and there's a mascot that smells suspiciously like urine trying to hit on your wife.

'''Beej:''' There's no real punchline there. It's just...pretty much everyone's experience at Chuck E. Cheese.

'''Serge:''' That's so weird. As a kid, I went to Chuck E. Cheese and it was great!

'''Beej:''' Aw, LUCKY! I never got to go!

'''Serge:''' That's because my dad is the best.

'''Beej:''' Nut-uh!

'''Serge:''' Yuh-huh!

'''Beej:''' Nut-uh!

'''Serge:''' Yuh-huh!

'''Beej:''' Nut-uh!

'''Serge:''' Yuh-huh!

'''Beej:''' Nut-uh!

'''Serge:''' Yuh-huh!

''{BRIEF TEST PATTERN STOPS THE MADNESS}''

'''Kathleen:''' A Cincinnati woman has been charged with "making a false alarm" after she lied and said she was late to work because a "scary clown" attacked her.

'''Beej:''' Kathleen, I don't know why you felt the need to append the word "scary" before "clown"; it's self-evident.

'''Serge:''' I just love the back-and-forth that went through this person's mind. It's, like, their boss goes up...''{CROSSES ARMS AND ACTS LIKE SAID BOSS}'' "Why were you late today?"

'''Beej:''' ''{ACTING LIKE WOMAN}'' I-I-I-I was accosted by-y-y-y a scary clown.

'''Serge:''' Really? A "scary clown"?

'''Beej:''' I ''meant'' to say it was a giant murderous dog.

'''Serge:''' A "giant murderous dog"? What breed?!

'''Beej:''' I found a body!

'''Serge:''' A body...did you call the police?

'''Beej:''' No, because then I was almost hit by an evil Cadillac?!

'''Serge:''' I ''don't'' believe you!

'''Beej:''' The Langoliers! ''{BRIEF SCREENSHOT OF AN EPISODE OF "THE LANGOLIERS" FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}''

OK, Feed Dump, but join me on "the real" here. clowns are no longer necessary, right? I mean, we haven't needed any of those since, like, the 1600s to, like, tell the king that he's doing something wrong but do it in a funny way?

'''Serge:''' Beej, those are "jesters".

'''Beej:''' Serge, ''{STICKS TWO MIDDLE FINGERS UP AT HIM}'' THESE are "gestures".

''{QUICK SHOT OF A SHOCK AND HURT SERGE}''

'''Beej:''' Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! ''{PUTS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH}''

'''Kathleen:''' Hmm, whoa. Beej, Beej, Beej. You better holster those weapons of mass destruction. And I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to our advertisers for such a horrible display on the show. Or I ''would'' if we had any advertisers but we don't because we do this for the love of the craft. ''{BEEJ'S HAND COMES ON-CAMERA AND SWEEPS ALONG THE BOTTOM HALF, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" AGAIN}'' And, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they're beholden to big corporate interests...and they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS FURRY GREEN HAT}''...which we got from "Bowman". It is green and small...much like my bank balance. ''{"www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" POPS UP AGAIN JUST BEFORE...}''

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Serge:''' Art: like in life, you get what you pay for...

''{BEHIND THE CAMERA, PENELOPE STARTS TO MAKE CUTE NOISES}''

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Oh, sorry.

'''Serge:''' No, that's OK.

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Don't...don't wait. If she continues making noise, I'll take her out. ''{TO PENELOPE}'' You gotta be quiet...shhh.

''{ALL IS QUIET}''

'''Serge:''' Art...

''{PENELOPE MAKES CUTE NOISES AGAIN, SERGE BREAKS INTO CHUCKLES}''

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Okay...

A Frank Exchange of Views Transcript

2016-10-16T04:43:10Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- A Frank Exchange of Views ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. Fall wears on and it's the season of debates...in one co..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[A Frank Exchange of Views]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. Fall wears on and it's the season of debates...in one country in particular and the rest of the world cannot get away from it...even though, for the love of God, please just let November be OVER already!! But, y'know what? There's other debates happening, too. Such as me: I'm "My dad can beat up your dad!". Joining me this week is "Guy who wants to get off a bus after his stop has gone by"...

''{SHOT OF SERGE AND BEEJ, BEEJ PRETENDING TO BE DRIVING AFOREMENTIONED BUS}''

Serge: You just missed my stop!

Beej: No, sir, the light didn't go on.

Serge: I pulled the cord!

Beej: No, but, the light didn't go on and I didn't hear the bell.

Serge: Can't you just pull over now?

Beej: No, I can't 'cause I can't stop where there's no stop.

Serge: But I pulled the cord! You missed my stop!

Beej: Can you...can you please just go sit down?!

Serge: There's nowhere to sit!!

Beej: Sir, I need you to sit!

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "No, sir, you really didn't ask for ketchup on your burger".

''{BACK TO SERGE AND BEEJ}''

Beej: Why isn't there any ketchup on my burger?

Serge: You didn't ASK for ketchup.

Beej: Why didn't you just PUT ketchup on the burger? Just KNOW that I wanted ketchup?

Serge: The menu says there's no ketchup on the burger.

Beej: But EVERYONE puts ketchup on a burger!

Serge: I can get you a SIDE of ketchup...

Beej: No, I want this remade with ketchup ON it!

Serge: Are you serious?!

''{TITLE: I HAVE SEEN BOTH OF THESE IRL}''

'''Kathleen:''' Everybody love tattoos but, gosh, why does etching something permanently on your body happen to be so darned expensive?! If you want a FREE tattoo, famed tattoo artist Scott Campbell is giving them out next week in London. The catch is you just put your arm through a hole and then you get what you get.

Beej: You'll probably end up with just a dick. Or the Chinese word for "dick". Or the Chinese words for "just a dick".

Serge: What do you think's gonna happen when you just stick an appendage in a public hole?

Beej: ''{SMILING}'' Something "glorious".

Kathleen: ''{TO BEEJ}'' Oh, no, Scott Campbell is WAY ahead of you. The name of this instillation art project is..."Whole Glory". ''{DRUM RIMSHOT}''

Serge: At least this artist has it right. I mean, what are artists THINKING, charging for their work? I mean, they should just be doing it for exposure.

Beej: Or for the love of the craft. ''{SWEEPS HAND ACROSS BOTTOM OF SCREEN, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun"}''

Kathleen: ''{DURING SLIDESHOW OF SOME OF CAMPBELL'S PREVIOUS WORK}'' As you can see from Scott Campbell's Instagram, some of these tattoos that he's done are pretty great...and some of them...are a Willie Nelson Skull with the word "TRUST" on a bandana. ''{BACK TO SHOT OF KATHLEEN}'' Yeah, I'd sure be thrilled to get THAT one.

Beej: No, no, this format has possibilities. I can think of all sorts of things in my NORMAL line of work that I would LOVE to use a "glory hole" for. Just bring a computer to the office, hand it over and trust that I won't smash it into a thousand bits 'cause you're an idiot.

Kathleen: ''{TO BEEJ}'' How is that different from normal tech support?

Beej: I don't work at "Geek Squad" anymore.

'''Kathleen:''' Even children don't REALLY want to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but I ''certainly'' don't want to go to a Chuck E. Cheese in Miami after a ten-minute long brawl broke out because somebody looked at somebody else "funny", and then that that devolved into pushing, screaming and hair-pulling.

Beej: Ten minutes?! At what point do the adults get involved?

Serge: It...WAS the adults.

Beej: My dad can beat up YOUR dad!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: WATCH! GET 'IM, DAD!!

Kathleen: I can understand why tensions run high at a Chuck E. Cheese. The soundtrack is the most grating pop hits of the early 2000s, it's ninety dollars to throw a pizza party for your kids and what you get is cardboard draped in grease and Skee-ball scum, and there's a mascot that smells suspiciously like urine trying to hit on your wife.

Beej: There's no real punchline there. It's just...pretty much everyone's experience at Chuck E. Cheese.

Serge: That's so weird. As a kid, I went to Chuck E. Cheese and it was great!

Beej: Aw, LUCKY! I never got to go!

Serge: That's because my dad is the best.

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

''{BRIEF TEST PATTERN STOPS THE MADNESS}''

'''Kathleen:''' A Cincinnati woman has been charged with "making a false alarm" after she lied and said she was late to work because a "scary clown" attacked her.

Beej: Kathleen, I don't know why you felt the need to append the word "scary" before "clown"; it's self-evident.

Serge: I just love the back-and-forth that went through this person's mind. It's, like, their boss goes up...''{CROSSES ARMS AND ACTS LIKE SAID BOSS}'' "Why were you late today?"

Beej: ''{ACTING LIKE WOMAN}'' I-I-I-I was accosted by-y-y-y a scary clown.

Serge: Really? A "scary clown"?

Beej: I ''meant'' to say it was a giant murderous dog.

Serge: A "giant murderous dog"? What breed?!

Beej: I found a body!

Serge: A body...did you call the police?

Beej: No, because then I was almost hit by an evil Cadillac?!

Serge: I ''don't'' believe you!

Beej: The Langoliers! ''{BRIEF SCREENSHOT OF AN EPISODE OF "THE LANGOLIERS" FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}''

OK, Feed Dump, but join me on "the real" here. clowns are no longer necessary, right? I mean, we haven't needed any of those since, like, the 1600s to, like, tell the king that he's doing something wrong but do it in a funny way?

Serge: Beej, those are "jesters".

Beej: Serge, ''{STICKS TWO MIDDLE FINGERS UP AT HIM}'' THESE are "gestures".

''{QUICK SHOT OF A SHOCK AND HURT SERGE}''

Beej: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! ''{PUTS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH}''

'''Kathleen:''' Hmm, whoa. Beej, Beej, Beej. You better holster those weapons of mass destruction. And I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to our advertisers for such a horrible display on the show. Or I ''would'' if we had any advertisers but we don't because we do this for the love of the craft. ''{BEEJ'S HAND COMES ON-CAMERA AND SWEEPS ALONG THE BOTTOM HALF, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" AGAIN}'' And, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they're beholden to big corporate interests...and they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS FURRY GREEN HAT}''...which we got from "Bowman". It is green and small...much like my bank balance. ''{"www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" POPS UP AGAIN JUST BEFORE...}''

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Serge:''' Art: like in life, you get what you pay for...

''{BEHIND THE CAMERA, PENELOPE STARTS TO MAKE CUTE NOISES}''

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Oh, sorry.

'''Serge:''' No, that's OK.

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Don't...don't wait. If she continues making noise, I'll take her out. ''{TO PENELOPE}'' You gotta be quiet...shhh.

''{ALL IS QUIET}''

'''Serge:''' Art...

''{PENELOPE MAKES CUTE NOISES AGAIN, SERGE BREAKS INTO CHUCKLES}''

'''Graham:''' ''OFF-SCREEN'' Okay...

A Frank Exchange of Views

2016-10-16T04:35:34Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, free tattoos, a Chuck E Cheese brawl, and scary clowns get out of hand. ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump273.jpg|300px|thumb|"Heh heh...'Whole Glor..."

This week on Feed Dump, free tattoos, a Chuck E Cheese brawl, and scary clowns get out of hand.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump273.jpg|300px|thumb|"Heh heh...'Whole Glory'" *badum-tish*]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 8, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Serge Yeger
|Cohost2 = Brendan "Beej" Dery

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* Famed tattoo artist Scott Campbell gave away free arm tattoos in London...provided you just stick your arm in a hole and not know what you get.
* A ten-minute brawl broke out at a Miami Chuck E. Cheese because someone "looked at somebody else funny".
* A Cincinnati woman has been charged with "making a false alarm" after she lied saying she was late to work because a "scary clown" attacked her.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 273
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx0ZpSOmRNQ
|Forum-LRR = 25090
}}

File:FeedDump273.jpg

2016-10-16T04:32:50Z

Chriswolvie:

An Obsolete Obelisk Transcript

2016-10-14T18:19:37Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- An Obsolete Obelisk ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' ''{WEARING BLACK TOQUE FOR LENGTH OF EPISODE}'' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[An Obsolete Obelisk]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{WEARING BLACK TOQUE FOR LENGTH OF EPISODE}'' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all "things that Samsung makes that might explode". I'm, of course, the "exploding cell phone which you are no prohibited from taking on airplanes". Joining me this week is "washing machines"...

'''Cameron:''' Sure, they just more shake themselves apart than actually explode in flame, but momentum is conserved.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "area denial submunitions".

'''Alex:''' We were in the airstrip and the people trying to repair it.

''{TITLE: TWO OUT OF THREE OF THOSE EXPLODE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Authorities in France are baffled after a man walked into a Apple Store and then calmly smashed every phone and iPad on display with a metal ''{SHOT OF METAL BALLS}'' "petanque" ball ''{SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "THEY LOOK LIKE THIS"}''

'''Alex:''' Heh...baller.

'''Cameron:''' ''{IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT}'' Ah, yes, you stupid Americans with your transient electronic devices. Do you not know that the petanque will take us all in the end?

'''Alex:''' I guess bustin' makes him feel good.

''{CLIP OF A REMIX OF RAY PARKER, JR's "GHOSTBUSTERS"}''

'''Cameron:''' There's probably a "Napoleon, King of the Battlefield" joke here to do with a cannonball but...arsed if I'm gonna make it.

'''Kathleen:''' So while he was going on his little smashing spree, our suspect was ranting in French about the service he had received from Apple and how he found it unsatisfactory (I mean, if you're satisfied, you're probably NOT going to destroy every floor model in the store, but that's another story). ''{VIDEO OF MAN IN STORE}'' He was also wearing one cream glove while he did it.

'''Cameron:''' The "one cream glove" piece of "sprits etoure"(?) is really more of an Italian thing than French.

'''Alex:''' Huh...we're rapidly moving from "crackpot" into "art installation" territory.

'''Cameron:''' At least I'm sure that's what his lawyers will say.

'''Kathleen:''' Engaging the youth in the democratic process is always kind of a challenge in democracies like Canada. The Canadian government has fallen ass-backwards into the one thing that will get men - specifically between the ages of 18 and 34 - giving their feedback: legalizing marijuana.

'''Cameron:''' News being that white men are excited about having even MORE legal liberties.

'''Alex:''' Vote green every day.

'''Cameron:''' Really looking forward to when they pass "Bill C-420".

'''Kathleen:''' According to Dr. Mark Ware, the Vice-Chair of Canada's Marijuana Legalization Taskforce, they had 28,000 responses to the legalization survey that they put up online. ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "80% of respondents were cannibus users", "73% were male", "64% were between 18 and 34" and 8% were totally into dank nugs.

'''Alex:''' 15% of respondents had one of those Pink Floyd glow-in-the-dark posters.

'''Cameron:''' 75% of respondents claimed to love rap but, in fact, only listened to the last ten seconds of "The Next Episode" over...and over...and over again. ''{SAID "LAST TEN SECONDS" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND}''

'''Alex:''' 92% of respondents reported that they had said "irie" un-ironically...and inappropriately.

'''Kathleen:''' So this online survey - which, I remind you, 28,000 people filled out - was not just like a series of, like, y'know, "I feel strongly about legalizing" or "I feel strongly that we shouldn't" or "where it should be sold". It was an essay-style thing where you could write up to a 1500-word response about what you thought of all this and your suggestions. And I know that there's nothing more that I wanna read than 28,000 1500-word-long screeds by stoned people! That sounds great! They hired a COMPANY to look at them.

'''Alex:''' Those poor, poor people.

'''Cameron:''' So not only everyone involved in the PRODUCTION of these essays was stoned, but now everyone involved in their ANALYSIS will also NEED to be stoned!

'''Alex:''' ''{PRETENDING TO READ ONE OF THE ESSAYS}'' "Yeah, but, like, y'know, it's basically because, sort of, y'know, y'know? Because, like, it, y'know, sorta is but, y'know, it is. It is, y'know....y'know?"

'''Kathleen:''' ''{ALSO PRETENDING AS ONE OF THE READERS}'' Ah, excuse me, sir...where is the pile for essays about why "Flamin' Hot Cheetos" are better than "All Dressed Chips"?

'''Cameron:''' ''{DITTO, TALKING FAST}'' "OK, so, first off, the hippies will love it because it's organic and totally recyclable and green. And then government will love it because they can tax it. And then business will love it because they can create jobs. And d..." Wait, this one's about cocaine!

'''Kathleen:''' A local watering hole named Hansen's Bar ''{MAP POINTING OUT WHERE THE BAR IS}'' in Robinson, North Dakota has scooped the trademark for "Geographical Center of North America" from a nearby town called Rugby ''{TOWN SHOWN ON MAP AS WEKK}'' because Rugby had accidentally let it lapse ''{BACK TO KATHLEEN}'' so they took it. And now the people of Rugby are annoyed. It's a big feud.

'''Alex:''' No, Kathleen, we're doing Feed Dump, not Qwirpline.

'''Cameron:''' Robinson is about 85 miles north ''{BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "IT'S ACTUALLY 85 MILES SOUTH"}'' of Rugby, which is, like, 140 kilometers. That's an awfully large error bar for something as precise as the geographical center of North America. Have we lost THAT much Arctic ice?!

'''Kathleen:''' Well, Cameron, that's actually a very interesting question. Because patrons of the bar say that their town should be the center because of the melting ice caps. But keep in mind ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' that how they decided on the geographical center of North America was, 90 years ago, "a Federal mathematician stuck a pin in a cardboard map of the continent and recorded the coordinates of where it balanced on his finger." This is not exactly scientific to begin with.

'''Cameron:''' Well, luckily, the Mercator projection of North America is 100% accurate and cardboard is a notoriously homogeneous substance.

'''Kathleen:''' For those of you unaware, Cameron was being sarcastic.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN NERDY VOICE, TO KATHLEEN}'' Well, actually, I think he was being facetious.

'''Kathleen:''' In case you were wondering, Alex was being 100% a shit. This has been your "Feed Dump Sarcasm Guide".

'''Alex:''' What the hell were we talking about just now?!

'''Cameron:''' Something stupid and irrelevant that's fighting to take up neurons in my brain.

'''Alex:''' ''{SARCASTICALLY}'' Well, THAT's a switch!

'''Kathleen:''' It's not irrelevant to the people of Rugby, North Dakota; they have a twenty-one-foot-tall obelisk in the center of their town DECLARING them the "Geographical Center of North America". And now they'll have to tear it down, I guess.

'''Alex:''' They can re-purpose that obelisk. What else could they be known for?

'''Cameron:''' Well, they're already known for letting trademarks lapse.

'''Kathleen:''' Hmm, a cautionary tale for the ages. And, on that sad note, unfortunately we must call this episode of Feed Dump to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have...''{DONS ORANGE "BEANIE BOPPERS" ON TOP OF HER BLACK TOQUE}''...THIS hat, which is not, in fact, a hat; it is a "diadem croon" or some sort of, like, Netherlands thing. I mean, it's MADE in China but it's FOR the Netherlands. And it fits over the hat I'm currently wearing. They don't have this DOUBLE hat.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Cameron:''' The "Magneto Teabag".

File:FeedDump272.jpg

2016-10-14T18:09:59Z

Chriswolvie:

An Obsolete Obelisk

2016-10-14T18:09:33Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, a bad customer service experience, political engagement and big issue for a small town. ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump272.jpg|300px|thumb|"...no..."

This week on Feed Dump, a bad customer service experience, political engagement and big issue for a small town.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump272.jpg|300px|thumb|"...not exactly scientific to begin with."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = October 1, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Ben Ulmer
|Cohost2 = Ian Horner

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* Authorities in France are baffled after a man walked into a Apple Store and then calmly smashed every phone and iPad on display with a metal "petanque" ball while wearing one cream glove.
* The Vice-Chair of Canada's Marijuana Legalization Taskforce received over 28,000 replies to an essay-writing survey about legalizing the drug in the country.
* A local watering hole named Hansen's Bar in Robinson, North Dakota has scooped the trademark for "Geographical Center of North America" from a nearby town called Rugby.

==Trivia==
* "Petanque" is similar to bocce, only with metal balls instead of clay or plastic.
* "The Next Episode" was Dr. Dre's follow-up album to the hit "The Chronic". Snoop Dogg mentioned it at the end of the chorus of "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang".
* "All Dressed Chips" are made with vinegar and sugar.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 272
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg5lrHzjKaw
|Forum-LRR = 25073
}}

Stuck Between a Rock and Another Rock Transcript

2016-09-30T17:07:57Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- Stuck Between a Rock and Another Rock ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, it's officially fall and that the..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Stuck Between a Rock and Another Rock]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, it's officially fall and that the season of "teeth". I am a tooth...specifically, a "Molar". Joining me this week is a "Wisdom"...

'''Ben:''' I cause headaches...or not. My asshole-ness varies from person to person.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Doctor".

'''Ian:''' ''{BEHIND SUPERIMPOSED PICTURE OF DR. TEETH FROM THE MUPPETS}'' Golden teeth and golden tones...welcome to my presence!

''{TITLE: I ONLY GET PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Firefighters in Rhode Island spent two-and-a-half hours trying to free a man who's head had been caught between two rocks. Eventually, they got him out with some olive oil.

'''Ben:''' This is like a DIFFERENT version of "127 Hours", except for "foodies".

'''Ian:''' What the hell kind of EMT was this?! Using olive oil to loosen his head? Did they put him in balsamic vinegar afterwards to sterilize the wounds?!

'''Kathleen:''' Well, the man's head did become stuck between the rocks when he bent over to retrieve a cell phone that he had dropped. So, y'know, there are a lot of "shiny pennies" in this story.

'''Ian:''' What would make a man catch his head between rocks trying to receive his cell phone? Naked pictures of ladies? Winning Lotto numbers?! The world's only recorded case of a Ditto?!?

'''Ben:''' Or the NAKED Ditto holding winning lottery numbers!

'''Kathleen:''' Laugh as we may at this ridiculous predicament - because it IS pretty funny that somebody got their head stuck between rocks - it was actually high tension because he was on a beach and the tide was coming in.

'''Ian:''' Oh, if it was the beach, then you DEFINITELY don't want to use the olive oil; that's too good. Plenty of seagull shit all around to lube up his head.

'''Kathleen:''' This week's hero is a shop owner from Hull, England named Karamjit Sangha who told an armed robber he would have to wait because she was having a cup of tea.

'''Ian:''' Even after its demise, from one end of the Empire to the other, when "tea time" happens, the British Empire shuts down! They do NOT mess around!

'''Ben:''' I think the only thing that coulda been more impressive in this scenario is if she asked him to go get more sugar...and then he DID it!

'''Ian:''' While that might SEEM like the right thing to do, Ben, that just shows how lower-class you really are. The APPROPRIATE thing to do in that sort of situation is to pull a cucumber sandwich out of your sack with a pound sign on it.

'''Kathleen:''' I think the only way this could be MORE hardcore was if the proprietress of ''{SHOT OF SHOP}'' "Sangha News & Booze" - which is what her store is called, by the way - ''{BACK TO KATHLEEN}'' had reacted to having a seven-inch knife pulled on her by telling the robber she was having a cup of tea and then waving her OWN craft knife at him. Well, that's what happened, by the way.

'''Ben:''' WHAT THE HELL, BRITAIN?!?!

'''Ian:''' Again, Ben, your incredulity only show your lack of status. Of COURSE she had a rather large knife. How else would you sabre your champagne for the afternoon mimosas?

''{TITLE: THEY CALL THOSE "BUCKS FIZZ" IAN}''

'''Ben:''' ''{TO IAN}'' OK, y'know? THAT attitude is exactly why "The Purge" movies were made! And apparently, in Britain, they've all got their knives all ready to go anyway!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO BEN, TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN}'' Hey, hey, hey...the UK is currently figuring out how to get itself out of the European Union so "The Purge" has already begun. Just the only things that's "purged" has been David Cameron and Nigel Farage.

''{TITLE MUSIC BEHIND A PICTURE OF FREDDIE MERCURY WITH "VICTORY" WRITTEN ON TOP}''

'''Ian:''' And Nigel Farage has CLEARLY been in his share of knife fights.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LEANING INTO THE SHOT, TALKING QUIETLY}'' Uhhhhh,...''{SHOT OF FARAGE WITH A SMIRK ON HIS FACE}''...Ian, that's just what Nigel Farage looks like.

'''Ian:''' Ooooo...

'''Ben:''' Ah, it's not a big deal. Everybody wears masks in those movies anyways.

'''Kathleen:''' An Ottawa man is on trial for stealing over C$180,000 worth of gold from the Canadian Mint by smuggling it out in his bum.

'''Ian:''' ''{CONCERNED}'' In...what...form? This is vitally important to his rectal health.

'''Kathleen:''' Only the most CANADIAN of forms: a 7.4-ounce gold puck!

'''Ian:''' I'm not sure what C$184,000 converts to right now, but gold is HEAVY! That takes SERIOUS rectal control. I have a hard time keeping a three-pound burrito up there!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LOOKING AT IAN}'' AFTER...the burrito has passed through your mouth,...esophagus and digestive tract...right, Ian?

'''Ian:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' S-sure...l-like humans do. ''{KATHLEEN DOES NOT LOOK CONVINCED}''

'''Ben:''' In reality, I'm just super-glad they finally caught the "Kegel Bandit".

'''Kathleen:''' I don't think there's such a thing as an "anal Kegel"...''{HOLDS UP iPHONE}''...but I ''will'' look it up.

'''Ian:''' ''{ON SMARTPHONE}'' WAY ahead of you, Kathleen. To do Kegels, you must locate your pelvic muscles by stopping the flow of urine, ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' and that's a very DIFFERENT type of gold.

'''Ben:''' But wouldn't it have been MORE impressive if he went THAT route?! I mean, name ONE instance where someone's check a urethra for a half-a-pound of gold.

'''Ian:''' I am sure there's a "sounding" fetish website for leprechauns somewhere.

'''Kathleen:''' Well, on that revolting mental image, it's time to call this episode to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have...''{DONS FLOPPY YELLOW RAINHAT}''...THIS hat, which is a real ''{READS FROM LETTER}'' Newfoundland...Newfoundland "Sou'wester"...which, apparently, "to sound like a Newfie," Robin and Mitchel tell me to "say 'NewFOUNDland' with the same cadence and inflection as 'UNDERstand'". ''{PUTS LETTER DOWN}'' I still don't think this works with my accent. But this WILL protect me from "golden showers"...gold or otherwise.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{BACK TO THE FIRST STORY...}''

'''Ben:''' See, this is why the new "no headphone jack" thing on the iPhone 7 doesn't work. If you HAD headphones on there, you could just reel it back up.

'''Ian:''' Instead of having them painfully just yanked out of your ear canal causing blood to spew forth.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO IAN}'' That episode of "South Park" was made up!

Stuck Between a Rock and Another Rock

2016-09-30T16:58:05Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, a man gets stuck, a woman gets even, and another man gets rich in a filthy way. ==Vital Statistics== Image:FeedDump271.jpg|300px|thumb|"...a seven-po..."

This week on Feed Dump, a man gets stuck, a woman gets even, and another man gets rich in a filthy way.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump271.jpg|300px|thumb|"...a seven-point-four-ounce golden puck."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = September 24, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Ben Ulmer
|Cohost2 = Ian Horner

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* Firefighters in Rhode Island spent two-and-a-half hours trying to free a man who's head had been caught between two rocks before freeing him with olive oil.
* Karamjit Sangha, a store owner in Hull, England, asked a robber to wait while she finished her tea.
* An Ottawa man is on trial for smuggling over C$180,000 worth of gold as a "puck" jammed in his rectum.

==Trivia==
* Ian's intro was how Dr. Teeth introduced himself to Kermit and Fozzie in "The Muppet Movie".
* David Cameron was the UK Prime Minister who resigned after "Brexit". Nigel Farage was another who supported "Brexit" who resigned his own post afterwards.
* "Sounding" is the act of stuffing things inside a male urethra...which apparently makes for better sex.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 271
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtEvoIiBJoI
|Forum-LRR = 25057
}}

File:FeedDump271.jpg

2016-09-30T16:55:49Z

Chriswolvie:

File:FeedDump270.jpg

2016-09-22T16:37:54Z

Chriswolvie:

Not Without My Pee Transcript

2016-09-22T16:37:29Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Not Without My Pee]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all part of a balanced morning meal; we're "breakfast cereals". I'm "Bran Granules", when you prize regularity over joy. Joining me this week is "Lucky Charms"...

'''Kate:''' For when you prize joy over regularity.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Ozee-Os".

'''Graham:''' For when you want to make a knock-off of "Cheerios" but lack any creativity.

''{TITLE: NO NAME BRAND IS A SERIAL OFFENDER}''

'''Kathleen:''' Think twice before you post that adorable baby photo on line; an 18-year-old woman from Austria is suing her parents for uploading childhood photos of her to Facebook.

'''Kate:''' I can't imagine that they had a super-good relationship to start out with. This has gotta just be, like, "strike three" in a long list of fuck-ups.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{AS SAID WOMAN}'' Mom! OK, this is it! ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' First of all, you drop me off in front of the school instead of dropping me off a block away so I can walk in and not be seen with you, then you got "Ozee-Os" instead of Cherrios and now a picture of me on the potty on Facebook?! That's it! I'm suing!!

'''Graham:''' On the one hand, I understand that no child wants their parents to show their friends the baby photos of you in the bath or on the potty or whatever. On the OTHER hand, I'm pretty sure you legally OWN your children.

'''Kate:''' So here's the thing: ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' single people don't want to be reminded they're single by seeing your baby photos, people who are TRYING to have kids don't wanna see your baby photos, people who already have kids ESPECIALLY don't wanna see your baby photos; they got plenty of their own. Short story: just DON'T post photos of your kids.

'''Kathleen:''' Kate is right. Why would I want to see pictures of your ill-mannered troglodyte when I can look at my own perfect baby/angel/baby?

'''Graham:''' These parents are also ruining the "social contract" of you go to someone's house for dinner. They provide you with dinner but, as a cost, you have to sit through looking at photos of their children. NOW, you're just seeing this if you happen to be friends with them on Facebook. They've ruined the whole premise of going over for dinner.

'''Kathleen:''' A 40-year-old Indiana man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and other things after he harassed somebody who got a job that he didn't get by mailing them four dead skunks and a dead raccoon.

'''Graham:''' I suspect this guy has terrible eyesight and that raccoon was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' Oh, I'm sorry. He was actually charged on "suspicion of criminal mischief, intimidation, stalking, criminal trespass, false reporting, animal cruelty and harassment" because he ALSO did things like threaten the successful job candidate's fiancee and their child and spray paint messages such as "YOU WILL DIE" on his car. ''{TO OTHER DUMPERS}'' Who wants to guess what job he lost out on?

'''Graham:''' Artists are very sensitive so I'm gonna say..."Sandwich Artist"?

'''Kate:''' My guess is garbage man...because he's a "garbage" man.

'''Graham:''' Motivational speaker.

'''Kate:''' Skunk caretaker?

'''Graham:''' Anti-bullying advocate.

'''Kathleen:''' According to reports, one package arrived at the post office leaking blood containing a dead raccoon and with the words, "Resign! It Will Not Stop" inside.

'''Kate:''' God, this is like "Twitchchat" come to life!

'''Graham:''' Particularly because he's blaming the guy who got the job, not the people who HIRED that guy.

'''Kate:''' Yeah, Graham, if you harass the people who are giving OUT the job then you're definitely not gonna GET that job. Right now, he's proving that he REALLY wants it!

'''Graham:''' Yeah...he "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" wants this job!

'''Kathleen:''' Yeah, I'm not sure I want anybody who's "Ship You Four Dead Skunks"-intense to teach a fourth grade class and be a junior basketball coach...because that's is the job he was applying for. ''{STARTS TO BREAK}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Wow!!! Wow!!!

'''Kate:''' ''{AT SAME TIME, OFF-SCREEN}'' No-o-o-o! No! He could be teaching your children!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LAUGHING}'' Everybody's just, like,...Graham and Kate and Heather behind the camera just went, "No-o-o-o!" Like everybody recoiled in the same way! It was amazing!

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Oh, no...why?!

'''Kate:''' I mean, I remember having some pretty weird elementary school teachers, like the one who constantly smell like cigar smoke and handed you a Wether's from his pocket. But he - even HE - was not "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" creepy!

'''Graham:''' I would bet that SOMETHING probably came up during the job interview process that MAYBE tipped them off that this guy MIGHT be SLIGHTLY unhinged.

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good supposition, Graham. Perhaps they discovered that he was the kind of person who was likely to ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "place four phone calls to the Indiana Department of Child Services, making claims that" his rival "was having sex with an underage student" and was also "abusing the daughter of an acquaintance". He ALSO mailed a picture of a man's genitalia - I'm gonna assume it was his - with his rival's phone number on it to the school he worked at.

'''Graham:''' His "rival"?! How much do you wanna bet that the guy who got this job had NO idea this ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "rivalry" was happening?! I'm betting it was ENTIRELY one-sided!

'''Kate:''' This! Job! Can't! Be! That! Good!! You're teaching fucking NINE-year-olds!! It's NOT THAT GOOD!!!

''{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC...CUT-OFF HALF-WAY BY THE "CHANNEL 2 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Man, you love your boyfriend but he's on probation...and, when you're on probation, you can't do drugs. But then he's gotta submit a urine sample...but, maybe, he DID some drugs. How do you get your boyfriend out of this terrible jam?! Phone-in a bomb threat. That's what a Florida woman did.

'''Graham:''' I was positive the answer was gonna be "swap urine samples" and then they'll be, like, "Sir, you're pregnant?" But...bomb threat...actually just, like, neatly eclipses ALL these problems!

'''Kate:''' Kay, Kathleen...seriously...can we NOT be telling stories of me on Feed Dump [[One Way to Get Famous Transcript|every time I'm here]]. At least show me some respect and do them on the weeks I'm NOT here. That would be a lot better for me...emotionally, physically...mentally...

'''Graham:''' Obviously, because this is a story, we know what happened. But, in the SHORT term, did this WORK?

'''Kathleen:''' So here's what happened. Our glorious, genius woman here dropped off her boyfriend at the probation office where he was unable to produce enough of a sample to test his urine. And, under those circumstances, they don't just let you go; they make you sit there and give you some water until you have to pee. So she thought, "Oh, no! Our clever plan of just having him not pee has been foiled! I'll phone in a bomb threat!" So then they just traced the cell phone number and they're, like, "Oh, hello. You just were here, dropping this man off."

'''Graham:''' Well, no SHIT "I can't pee right now" doesn't work! EVERYONE would do that! "Oh, I, uh, just can't...uh, sorry...okay...later." ''{MIMICS SMOKING A JOINT WHILE HEADING OFF}'' ...in a cloud of smoke. "Can't prove it without my pee!" ''{MIMICS AGAIN}''

'''Kate:''' Why not buy some animal urine on the deep Dark Web?

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good one, Kate. Then their only question will be, "When did you become a mountain lion?!" I know that you can buy mountain lion urine online because, way back in the day, my landlord had to leave mountain lion urine around a shed in a house I lived in because skunks had invaded. Apparently, skunks are afraid of mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' They're ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana

'''Kate:''' Uh, to be fair, though, I'm ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana and mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' She's a skunk!

''{KATE HISSES LIKE A SKUNK}''

'''Kathleen:''' If YOU wanna find out if one of your loved ones is a skunk, follow this handy test. Dunk them in water; if they float, they're a witch.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' No, not a witch. Skunk.

'''Kathleen:''' What do you MEAN "which skunk"? ''{POINTS TO KATE}'' There's only one skunk in here? And, on that note, we must call this episode to a close. ''{DONS POINTY CLOWN HAT}'' But, like this hat, I am mirthful and not terrifying.

''{BRIEF SHOT OF WNXE PROMO SLATE}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Kathleen, catch-phrase.

'''Kathleen:''' Right. There may be better sources of news...but they don't have...THIS hat...which is a lovely hat...and is not a scary hat...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF GRAHAM RESPONDING TO KATHLEEN ASSUMING THAT THE "DICK PIC" THE MAN FROM THE SECOND STORY SENT WAS HIS OWN}''

'''Graham:''' Or the picture of, allegedly, the other guy's dick!

Not Without My Pee Transcript

2016-09-22T16:36:25Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- Not Without My Pee ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all part of a balanced morning meal; we're "b..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Not Without My Pee]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all part of a balanced morning meal; we're "breakfast cereals". I'm "Bran Granules", when you prize regularity over joy. Joining me this week is "Lucky Charms"...

'''Kate:''' For when you prize joy over regularity.

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Ozee-Os".

'''Graham:''' For when you want to make a knock-off of "Cheerios" but lack any creativity.

''{TITLE: NO NAME BRAND IS A SERIAL OFFENDER}''

'''Kathleen:''' Think twice before you post that adorable baby photo on line; an 18-year-old woman from Austria is suing her parents for uploading childhood photos of her to Facebook.

'''Kate:''' I can't imagine that they had a super-good relationship to start out with. This has gotta just be, like, "strike three" in a long list of fuck-ups.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{AS SAID WOMAN}'' Mom! OK, this is it! ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' First of all, you drop me off in front of the school instead of dropping me off a block away so I can walk in and not be seen with you, then you got "Ozee-Os" instead of Cherrios and now a picture of me on the potty on Facebook?! That's it! I'm suing!!

'''Graham:''' On the one hand, I understand that no child wants their parents to show their friends the baby photos of you in the bath or on the potty or whatever. On the OTHER hand, I'm pretty sure you legally OWN your children.

'''Kate:''' So here's the thing: ''{COUNTS ON FINGERS}'' single people don't want to be reminded they're single by seeing your baby photos, people who are TRYING to have kids don't wanna see your baby photos, people who already have kids ESPECIALLY don't wanna see your baby photos; they got plenty of their own. Short story: just DON'T post photos of your kids.

'''Kathleen:''' Kate is right. Why would I want to see pictures of your ill-mannered troglodyte when I can look at my own perfect baby/angel/baby?

'''Graham:''' These parents are also ruining the "social contract" of you go to someone's house for dinner. They provide you with dinner but, as a cost, you have to sit through looking at photos of their children. NOW, you're just seeing this if you happen to be friends with them on Facebook. They've ruined the whole premise of going over for dinner.

'''Kathleen:''' A 40-year-old Indiana man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and other things after he harassed somebody who got a job that he didn't get by mailing them four dead skunks and a dead raccoon.

'''Graham:''' I suspect this guy has terrible eyesight and that raccoon was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' Oh, I'm sorry. He was actually charged on "suspicion of criminal mischief, intimidation, stalking, criminal trespass, false reporting, animal cruelty and harassment" because he ALSO did things like threaten the successful job candidate's fiancee and their child and spray paint messages such as "YOU WILL DIE" on his car. ''{TO OTHER DUMPERS}'' Who wants to guess what job he lost out on?

'''Graham:''' Artists are very sensitive so I'm gonna say..."Sandwich Artist"?

'''Kate:''' My guess is garbage man...because he's a "garbage" man.

'''Graham:''' Motivational speaker.

'''Kate:''' Skunk caretaker?

'''Graham:''' Anti-bullying advocate.

'''Kathleen:''' According to reports, one package arrived at the post office leaking blood containing a dead raccoon and with the words, "Resign! It Will Not Stop" inside.

'''Kate:''' God, this is like "Twitchchat" come to life!

'''Graham:''' Particularly because he's blaming the guy who got the job, not the people who HIRED that guy.

'''Kate:''' Yeah, Graham, if you harass the people who are giving OUT the job then you're definitely not gonna GET that job. Right now, he's proving that he REALLY wants it!

'''Graham:''' Yeah...he "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" wants this job!

'''Kathleen:''' Yeah, I'm not sure I want anybody who's "Ship You Four Dead Skunks"-intense to teach a fourth grade class and be a junior basketball coach...because that's is the job he was applying for. ''{STARTS TO BREAK}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Wow!!! Wow!!!

'''Kate:''' ''{AT SAME TIME, OFF-SCREEN}'' No-o-o-o! No! He could be teaching your children!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LAUGHING}'' Everybody's just, like,...Graham and Kate and Heather behind the camera just went, "No-o-o-o!" Like everybody recoiled in the same way! It was amazing!

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Oh, no...why?!

'''Kate:''' I mean, I remember having some pretty weird elementary school teachers, like the one who constantly smell like cigar smoke and handed you a Wether's from his pocket. But he - even HE - was not "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" creepy!

'''Graham:''' I would bet that SOMETHING probably came up during the job interview process that MAYBE tipped them off that this guy MIGHT be SLIGHTLY unhinged.

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good supposition, Graham. Perhaps they discovered that he was the kind of person who was likely to ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "place four phone calls to the Indiana Department of Child Services, making claims that" his rival "was having sex with an underage student" and was also "abusing the daughter of an acquaintance". He ALSO mailed a picture of a man's genitalia - I'm gonna assume it was his - with his rival's phone number on it to the school he worked at.

'''Graham:''' His "rival"?! How much do you wanna bet that the guy who got this job had NO idea this ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "rivalry" was happening?! I'm betting it was ENTIRELY one-sided!

'''Kate:''' This! Job! Can't! Be! That! Good!! You're teaching fucking NINE-year-olds!! It's NOT THAT GOOD!!!

''{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC...CUT-OFF HALF-WAY BY THE "CHANNEL 2 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Man, you love your boyfriend but he's on probation...and, when you're on probation, you can't do drugs. But then he's gotta submit a urine sample...but, maybe, he DID some drugs. How do you get your boyfriend out of this terrible jam?! Phone-in a bomb threat. That's what a Florida woman did.

'''Graham:''' I was positive the answer was gonna be "swap urine samples" and then they'll be, like, "Sir, you're pregnant?" But...bomb threat...actually just, like, neatly eclipses ALL these problems!

'''Kate:''' Kay, Kathleen...seriously...can we NOT be telling stories of me on Feed Dump [[One Way To Get Famous Transcript|every time I'm here]]. At least show me some respect and do them on the weeks I'm NOT here. That would be a lot better for me...emotionally, physically...mentally...

'''Graham:''' Obviously, because this is a story, we know what happened. But, in the SHORT term, did this WORK?

'''Kathleen:''' So here's what happened. Our glorious, genius woman here dropped off her boyfriend at the probation office where he was unable to produce enough of a sample to test his urine. And, under those circumstances, they don't just let you go; they make you sit there and give you some water until you have to pee. So she thought, "Oh, no! Our clever plan of just having him not pee has been foiled! I'll phone in a bomb threat!" So then they just traced the cell phone number and they're, like, "Oh, hello. You just were here, dropping this man off."

'''Graham:''' Well, no SHIT "I can't pee right now" doesn't work! EVERYONE would do that! "Oh, I, uh, just can't...uh, sorry...okay...later." ''{MIMICS SMOKING A JOINT WHILE HEADING OFF}'' ...in a cloud of smoke. "Can't prove it without my pee!" ''{MIMICS AGAIN}''

'''Kate:''' Why not buy some animal urine on the deep Dark Web?

'''Kathleen:''' That's a good one, Kate. Then their only question will be, "When did you become a mountain lion?!" I know that you can buy mountain lion urine online because, way back in the day, my landlord had to leave mountain lion urine around a shed in a house I lived in because skunks had invaded. Apparently, skunks are afraid of mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' They're ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana

'''Kate:''' Uh, to be fair, though, I'm ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana and mountain lions.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' She's a skunk!

''{KATE HISSES LIKE A SKUNK}''

'''Kathleen:''' If YOU wanna find out if one of your loved ones is a skunk, follow this handy test. Dunk them in water; if they float, they're a witch.

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' No, not a witch. Skunk.

'''Kathleen:''' What do you MEAN "which skunk"? ''{POINTS TO KATE}'' There's only one skunk in here? And, on that note, we must call this episode to a close. ''{DONS POINTY CLOWN HAT}'' But, like this hat, I am mirthful and not terrifying.

''{BRIEF SHOT OF WNXE PROMO SLATE}''

'''Graham:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Kathleen, catch-phrase.

'''Kathleen:''' Right. There may be better sources of news...but they don't have...THIS hat...which is a lovely hat...and is not a scary hat...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF GRAHAM RESPONDING TO KATHLEEN ASSUMING THAT THE "DICK PIC" THE MAN FROM THE SECOND STORY SENT WAS HIS OWN}''

'''Graham:''' Or the picture of, allegedly, the other guy's dick!

Not Without My Pee

2016-09-22T16:26:20Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, don't put pictures of your kids on Facebook, how to get out of a drug test, and someone who wanted a job a little too much. ==Vital Statistics== Imag..."

This week on Feed Dump, don't put pictures of your kids on Facebook, how to get out of a drug test, and someone who wanted a job a little too much.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump270.jpg|300px|thumb|"In the short-term, did this work?!"]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = September 16, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Kate Stark
|Cohost2 = Graham Stark

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* An 18-year-old Austrian woman is suing her parents for posting baby pictures of her on Facebook.
* A 40-year-old Indiana man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty (among many other things) after he mailed four dead skunks and a dead raccoon to someone who got a job he wanted.
** The job was as a fourth-grade teacher and junior basketball coach.
* FLORIDA (WO)MAN STORY: The girlfriend of a man on probation who was called in to give a urine sample to test for drugs called in a bomb threat to get him out of it.

==Trivia==
* "Sandwich artists" are what "Subway" call their employees who make sandwichs.

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 270
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbyC1RZFr68
|Forum-LRR = 25037
}}

5 Second Rule Transcript

2016-09-16T03:30:30Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- 5 Second Rule ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, it's September and that means fall's icy embrace is..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[5 Second Rule]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, it's September and that means fall's icy embrace is finally traveling over our overheated summer-weary bodies. And to celebrate, it is "pumpkin spice lattes season". But did you know there's OTHER kinds of lattes? I'm an "Allspice latte". Joining me this week is the "Old Spice"...

'''Paul:''' L-l-l-ladies...

'''Kathleen:''' ...and the spice "Melange".

'''Alex:''' It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. ''{"DUNE" THEME GROWS IN BACKGROUND}'' It is by the juice of arabica that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire the stains, the stains become a warning.

''{TITLE: THE SPICE MUST FLOW}''

''{"DUNE" THEME CUTS OFF WITH A "RECORD SCRATCH"}''

'''Kathleen:''' There's a new sensation sweeping the internet. It's the live intersection webcam from Jackson, Wyoming.

'''Alex:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' Sorry...did you mis-say "inter-sectional" like it's at a conference or something?

'''Kathleen:''' You heard what I said! And what I said was that it's a traffic webcam. Just cars...trucks going by. People get REAL excited when a red truck goes by. "Red truck! Red truck!" they post.

'''Alex:''' I don't believe it. We found a rung below ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "First".

'''Paul:''' Are there, like, a lot of accidents at this intersection or something? What makes this intersection so exciting?

'''Kathleen:''' Nobody knows, Paul. It's just one of those "internet things"....which is actually what the Associated Press news story about this, uh, attributes the popularity to: it being one of those ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "internet things".

'''Alex:''' I shudder to think at all the other traffic webcams hoping to achieve virality now.

'''Paul:''' Aw, man. 7th and Finnerty used to be cool. But now they've really gone commercial.

'''Alex:''' ''{TO PAUL}'' They were commercial to START with; it's a shipping through-fare!

'''Paul:''' And everybody knows the Rosewood Crescent is just a "try hard" intersection.

'''Alex:''' #FakeIntersectionBoys, which is a hashtag that got WILDLY misinterpreted.

'''Kathleen:''' Good news: according to a new study from Rutgers University that was published in the American Journal of Microbiology, the "five-second rule" is not a thing and food gets dirty immediately. Do NOT eat food off the floor. ''{ALEX CHORTLES OFF-CAMERA A BIT}'' I can't believe that we had to have a study for this! And, not only that, this is a NEW study that has proven the results of PREVIOUS studies! The "five-second rule" is not real! Like, nobody went into this thinking that they could maybe prove it, right?!

'''Paul:''' "Mythbusters" proved that, like, YEARS ago! And, if you can't trust entertainment science, what CAN you trust?!

'''Alex:''' ACTUAL science?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{LEANING INTO ALEX'S SHOT}'' GEO-BALLS ARE POISON!

''{ALEX BREAKS AND A TEST PATTERN IS SHOWN BRIEFLY}''

'''Paul:''' Well, I think it's pretty clear that there isn't much difference between, like, food that has fallen on the floor and food that has fallen on the floor after five seconds. I would say that I would prefer to eat food that has fallen on the floor for five seconds than food that has fallen on the floor for, say, five HOURS.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{HOLDING iPHONE}'' Actually, Paul, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' the research did find that longer contact time DOES mean more bacterial transfer. However, the type of food and the surface it falls on is just as - or more - important. So you can eat a Chiclet that fell on the ground outside, but you should DEFINITELY not eat a rice cake covered in peanut butter that fell into a urinal.

'''Alex:''' Kids, don't eat piss food!

''{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}''

'''Kathleen:''' A Kansas man named Lawrence Ripple robbed a bank so he would not have to spend any more time alone at home with his wife.

'''Paul:''' He...he wanted to go to prison to make friends?!

'''Alex:''' ''{WITH CAP ON BACKWARDS AS PRISONER}'' Alright, I'm gonna teach ya how to kill a man with this toothbrush, then we're gonna have a nice bonding session after.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' Lawrence John Ripple, 70, wrote a note stating he had a gun and wanted money and then walked into a Kansas City bank. The teller gave him $3000 and - instead of, like, going somewhere with his money - he sat down in the lobby and waited to be arrested. The money was then returned to the bank and he told police that he would "rather be in jail than at home" with his wife.

'''Paul:''' OK. I guess if those are the two only options. But...maybe you should...think about this one a little harder.

'''Alex:''' ''{ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE}'' A'right, Margaret, this isn't workin'. Couples counseling ain't panned out...our religion won't let us divorce...one of us has gotta go to prison. ''{FLIPS A COIN AND SLAPS IT ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND}'' Call it.

'''Paul:''' For his sake, I hope his judge doesn't have a sense of humor and sentenced him to "house arrest".

'''Kathleen:''' ''{ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE}'' "Margaret, I wanna leave you. You're a horrible wife." ''{THEN AS MRS. RIPPLE}'' "Yeah? Well, good luck finding someone who's gonna cook you three meals a day, clean up after you and do all your laundry!" ''{THEN BACK AS MR. RIPPLE}'' "Ha-ha! Checkmate, woman! Jail!"

'''Paul:''' Maybe this is just, like, a bet he made with his friends. "Wow! Y'know, you...you really did it. You went to jail. All right, I guess I owe you ten bucks. You can...you can let him out now."

'''Alex:''' Uhhh,...no. He really actually robbed a bank.

'''Paul:''' "Huh. Well, I guess I get to keep my ten bucks, then."

'''Kathleen:''' What have we learned here today, children? If you need to get away from someone, you should go to jail and not just...someplace where that person isn't. But, on that sad note, we have a HAPPY note: it's Eric's birthday! Eric, we were asked to wish you a happy birthday by your boyfriend, Stu. And we have loved to accommodate. So happy birthday, Eric...it was actually on the 7th but, y'know, close enough. And I hope you had a great day and are having a great day today and weekend and all that stuff. So, remember: there may be better sources of news...but they won't DO customized birthday greetings if you e-mail me ahead of time and ask nicely...and they don't have THIS hat...''{DONS CAP WITH STRAIGHT "ANTENNAE" ON TOP}''...which is from Ikea. It is a...''{READS FROM BOX CAP CAME IN}''..."LATTJO" and it is from Jeremy and Kimmie. ''{PAUSE}'' It actually feels like a pretty good hat. Like, I can feel...the antennae are sticking straight up. Like normally you get one of these novelty hats it's just kinda, like, two floppy probosci kinda sagging around and kinda feeling a little sad. Y'know, you got a little Hraal situation going on behind your head. But these are sticking straight up. They're quite, uh,...quite erect. ''{ALEX CHUCKLES OFF-SCREEN}'' I have nothing further to say about this hat.

'''Paul:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

'''Kathleen:''' Happy birthday!

''{KATHLEEN SWAYS THE "ANTENNAE" BACK AND FORTH AND ALEX REACHES INTO THE SHOT TO BAT ONE OF THEM}''

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' It's true that being trapped in a bad relationship can sometimes feel like jail. But you know what ALSO feels like jail? Real actual jail!

'''Kathleen:''' Look at me! I'm a pillar of...''{MASSIVE COUGHING AND HACKING FIT}''...health.

5 Second Rule

2016-09-16T03:21:45Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, science lets us down. ==Vital Statistics== "L-l-l-ladies..." {{VitalStatisticsFeedDump |Date = September 9, 201..."

This week on Feed Dump, science lets us down.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump269.jpg|300px|thumb|"L-l-l-ladies..."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = September 9, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Paul Saunders
|Cohost2 = Alex Stacey

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* The newest internet sensation is...the live intersection webcam in Jackson, Wyoming.
* According to a Rutgers U. study published in the American Journal of Microbiology, the "five-second rule" is a lie.
* A Kansas man robbed a bank just to get arrested so he wouldn't have to spend any more time at home with his wife.

==Trivia==
* "Melange", Alex's opening line and the music behind him are all references to "Dune".

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 269
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFWv00s0iMk
|Forum-LRR = 25037
}}

File:FeedDump269.jpg

2016-09-16T03:21:23Z

Chriswolvie:

One Way to Get Famous

2016-09-09T20:23:22Z

Chriswolvie:

This week on Feed Dump, a retraction, an extraction and an overreaction.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:FeedDump268.jpg|300px|thumb|"Interesting..."]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = September 3, 2016

|Host = Kathleen De Vere

|Cohost1 = Cameron Lauder
|Cohost2 = Paul Saunders

|EditedBy = Kathleen De Vere

}}

==Synopsis==
* FEED DUMP RETRACTION: The woman who spilled crickets and worms on a New York subway was not crazy but, rather, was filming a viral video.
* A Norwegian man became stuck in the tank of an outhouse for an hour after he dove in to get their friend's cell phone.
* A Chinese man was arrested after he dismantled his neighbor's internet switch (and three others) so photos of him square-dancing could not make their way online.

==Trivia==
* "Getting schwifty", according to Urban Dictionary, means to defecate somewhere without caring of consequences. It was popularized in "Rick & Morty".

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 268
|Video = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U26Z2BcbGQs
|Forum-LRR = 25034
}}

The Tale of the Exploding Egg Nog

2016-09-06T02:34:14Z

Chriswolvie:

Also, the official Scrabble dictionary gets updated with some awful words.
==Vital Statistics==
[[Image:Exploding Egg Nog.jpg|300px|thumb|Some badly mixed Viagra in a penis shaped mushroom cloud?]]

{{VitalStatisticsFeedDump

|Date = August 13, 2014

|Host = Graham Stark

|Cohost1 = Alex Steacy
|Cohost2 = Cameron Lauder

|EditedBy = Graham Stark

}}

==Synopsis==

*The back third of a pharmaceutical plant was blown off, injuring 2 employees after what exploded? Guessing!
**A vat of egg nog (they also do work on food and beverage products.)

*The police from Winnipeg, Manitoba are having to refund over 2,500 speeding tickets because of an improper wording on the automated ticket.

*Good news for Scrabble aficionados: in an update for the first time in over a decade, the official Scrabble dictionary is receiving and additionally 5,000 new words, including a bunch I'm sure you will hate:
**Beatbox, chillax, frenemy, selfie, bromance, joypad, mixtape, mojito, funplex, hashtag, qajaq, jockdom.

===Hatistics===

{{SMWFeedDumpNavigation
|Episode-Number = 166
|Video = http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/feed-dump/9650-The-Tale-of-the-Exploding-Egg-Nog
|Forum-LRR = 22885
|Forum-Esc = http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/6.857918-Feed-Dump-The-Tale-of-the-Exploding-Egg-Nog
}}

Bear Ass Suit Transcript

2016-09-06T02:08:36Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- Bear Ass Suit ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump and, this week, because summer is still wearing on, we are "increasing..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Bear Ass Suit]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump and, this week, because summer is still wearing on, we are "increasingly creative ways to get completely shit-faced". I'm "butt-chuggin'". That's where you put alcohol in your butt. Joining me this week is "powdered alcohol"...

'''Alex:''' I'm the bump that bumps you off!

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "a rum-soaked tampon".

'''Ian:''' Apply me to the mucus membrane most appropriate for you.

'''Kathleen:''' Also, don't do any of these 'cause will die.

''{TITLE: ALCOHOL POISONING: NOT JUST FOR SPRING BREAK!}''

'''Kathleen:''' A 19 year old woman from Manchester had to call the police to let her out of a nightclub because the previous evening, she had passed out drunk in the toilets and didn't come to until 7:15 am.

'''Alex:''' That story dove-tailed suspiciously well with our intro.

'''Ian:''' I understand it's a good idea to build your nest nearest to a primary food source, but this is going a little bit overboard.

'''Alex:''' Shorty in the club, all night. All night, into the morning. Shorty live at the club.

'''Kathleen:''' If your friends are the kind of people who will just abandon you in a nightclub bathroom and not even look for you, maybe they're not your friends. And if you wake up in a nightclub bathroom at 7:15 in the morning, maybe you should re-evaluate some other life choices you've made along the way.

'''Ian:''' No, no. This is making more sense. It's a lot easier to do a mating dance when the mates are nearby. And then, when your eggs finally DO hatch, you can vomit directly into their mouths even easier.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO IAN}'' Did you hear a SINGLE word I said, Ian, or are you just doing your own thing?

'''Ian:''' ''{WEARING PITH HELMET AND FLAK JACKET}'' Well, we ARE talking about young "birds", aren't we?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{WEARING REFEREE SHIRT AND HOLDING WHISTLE, SIGHING}'' At least my whistle's on-brand.

'''Ian:''' ''{WITHOUT HELMET OR JACKET}'' Oh, no. I get it. It's like one of those sleepovers at the zoo or at the museum...but for alcoholism.

'''Alex:''' ''{WEARING LONG-HAIRED RED WIG, TALKING LIKE TEEN-AGED GIRL}'' Omygod, Bethany. It'll be so great! We'll go to the museum, we'll get so fucked up! I just want ta retch till my throat is on fire.

'''Ian:''' Oh, and look! A new Jackson Pollack!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{SANS REF SHIRT AND WHISTLE}'' Firefighters had to be called in to help rescue a Colombian man who had somehow gotten four curtain rings stuck around his penis. Apparently, paramedics just didn't have the tools for the delicate operation at hand.

'''Alex:''' A "delicate operation"...with saws and pliers.

'''Ian:''' You think maybe he'd WANT the "jaws of life" to be used on him? Y'know, just not to insult his manhood?

''{SHOT OF ALEX AND IAN, RECREATING THE SCENE SPOKE OF}''

'''Ian:''' ''{AS FIREMAN}'' OK, so we'll get out these TINY little saws and this precision bolt cutter and we'll just get right in there...

'''Alex:''' ''{AS VICTIM, AGGRAVATED}'' FINE! Fine, I get it! I get it!

'''Kathleen:''' After the man's penis had been freed, he was taken to hospital for medical and psychological care, according to officials, because he may have faced some trauma relating to the embarrassment of the situation. No shit!

'''Alex:''' So, people bullshit the ER about slipping in such a way that an entire shampoo bottle ends up up their ass. This one seems a LOT harder to explain away.

'''Ian:''' Why wouldn't you stop after the FIRST curtain ring, then?

'''Alex:''' So, you see, I was...hanging the curtain and a stiff breeze came along and blew AWAY my pants, causing me to become momentarily erect...at which point I stepped UPON the soap and my body became inverted and I was...unfortunately inserted INTO the rings...

'''Kathleen:''' ''{HOLDING UP BLUE MEDAL}'' And the award for "Greatest Use of the Passive Voice" in 2015 goes to Alex!

'''Alex:''' ''{HOLDING MEDAL AS APPLAUSE IS PLAYED IN BACKGROUND}'' I have become pleased that this award entered my hand.

'''Ian:''' We STILL have some unanswered questions here. First, were the curtains still attached to the rings? And b), did the curtains match the carpet?

'''Alex:''' ''{TO IAN}'' "b)"?! What happened to "second"?!

'''Ian:''' The fire fighters got to second.

'''Kathleen:''' A man in Alaska shocked bystanders when he donned a full-body grizzly bear costume and then went and harassed a mother grizzly bear and her two cubs before a wildlife official chased the animals away. In the "Understatement of the Year" Award, the official then said, "That's a really dangerous thing to do."

'''Alex:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' Could you clarify ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' "the animals"? Did that include the guy in the suit?

'''Kathleen:''' No, the officials chased the bear and her cubs away. The guy who was in the bear outfit just got back into his car and drove away without taking off the head or answering questions. ''{SHRUGS}'' Officials say his motives were unclear.

'''Ian:''' Two things. Second, good on him for actually keeping the head on; apparently, you should never remove a mascot helmet when you're wearing a furry suit. And second, "harassed"?!

'''Alex:''' ''{TO IAN}'' "Harassed"...as in his suit. "Hair-assed" suit. The suit has a hairy ass; there's hair on his ass..."hair-ass"..."hair-ass-ment"...

'''Unknown Male''': ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' Oh, my GOD! ''{JUMPS AT ALEX AND STARTS TO CHOKE HIM}''

''{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}''

'''Alex:''' He just drove away. How are they gonna catch this guy? Honey pot? ''{NOW IAN GOES TO CHOKE HIM}''

''{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}''

'''Ian:''' No, you're right, Alex. They'd use a sting operation but...bears don't feel those. ''{NOW ALEX GOES TO CHOKE *HIM*}''

''{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}''

'''Alex:''' Is this something he does often or was this his debut?

'''Kathleen:''' Man, I hope not because, after such a strong debut, whatever sophomore album he puts out is really gonna be a disappointment.

'''Ian:''' So the "polar" opposite, then. ''{ALEX AND THE AFOREMENTIONED MALE GO TO CHOKE IAN FROM EITHER SIDE}''

''{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}''

'''Kathleen:''' OK, we should probably wrap this up before the choking bits get any more "grizzly"...

'''Alex:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN}'' COME ON! ''{IAN GROWLS AS WELL}''

'''Kathleen:''' But, remember, there may be better sources of news, but they won't tell you NOT to do all those alcohol things we mentioned at the beginning because those are very literally dangerous...although maybe not as dangerous as interfering with a bear, but...oh, yeah, and they might not have THIS hat, aside from that sage advice I'm dispensing. THIS hat...''{DONS ESPEON TOQUE}''...is an Espeon hat. And it was given to us by "Blue Defender" or ''{HOLDS UP SCRAP OF PAPER TO READ FROM}'' John. And, uh,...I mean, I don't really have a lot to say about this hat. It's very cute, it fits my head...it's actually kinda big on me maybe it'll fit Graham. ''{FLIPS "EARS" ON HAT}'' It's an Espeon. My Poke-mans, let me show you them.

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Alex:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' Are you SURE this isn't actually a classic Python bit?!

One Way to Get Famous Transcript

2016-09-05T22:41:30Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[One Way to Get Famous]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, THIS week, in an astonishing and un-heard-of change of pace, we're all just "things that we like". I'm "Kittens"; I love kittens. And joining me this week is "Clean sheets, fresh out of the dryer"...

'''Cameron:''' I'd really like to voice my appreciation for whatever boardroom full of executives decided circa 1962 that the smell of fresh laundry was going to be "Lily of the Valley".

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Mint chocolate chip ice cream".

'''Paul:''' ICE CREAM!!

''{TITLE: THESE ARE THREE OF OUR FAVOURITE THINGS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Continuing the unprecedented spree this week on Feed Dump, we are issuing our first "Feed Dump Retraction" It turns out the [[We Salute You|story that was too perfect to be true]] was too perfect to be true. A woman who spilled crickets and worms on the subway was not, in fact, truly crazy. She was just "crazy" about making a viral video to get famous on the internet.

'''Cameron:''' I would like to voice my relief with this bit of news. Because I honestly started to feel a little bad after last week's episode because what if this actually a mentally-ill person who was having some kind of break? Um, but now, discovering that she's in fact a performance artist, I can go back to my normal sense of dissatisfaction with having just help perpetuate somebody's virility.

'''Paul:''' I know that everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame but there ARE easier ways to get famous on the internet. Get a bunch of PS3s, for example.

'''Kathleen:''' According to Zaida Pugh, the woman who perpetuated this stunt, she bought all the crickets and worms online, the people who shoved her are friends who also did their own online stuff. But not EVERY element was planned. For example, the person who was so terrified they pulled the emergency brake, that was just a person who happened to be on the subway while they decided to do this. And, uh, her peeing on the floor was also unplanned. According to a direct quote, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "I did (urinate), but didn't purposely MEAN to. It was very hot and I was holding my bladder. (And then,) when I realized we weren’t going anywhere, I said, 'I'm gonna just let it out.'"

'''Cameron:''' This is really taking me on an emotional roller coaster. First I was like, "Eww!" Then I was like, "Ugggg..." Then I was like, "(sigh) Oh." Then I was like, "Ehh?" Then I was like, "Uggggh!" And now I'm just mad.

'''Paul:''' I like that the point we are in our society is, if somebody's selling crickets and worms on the subway and drops them all over everyone, they're a crazy person. But if that same person does the exact same thing but FILMS it and puts it on the internet, now they're not crazy anymore.

'''Cameron:''' To be perfectly fair, I don't think getting schwifty in a subway car is really the critical point for diagnosing schizophrenia. It probably has something to do with a CT scan?

'''Paul:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' So what were the crickets and worms supposed to represent? Or were the crickets representing something and the worms something different?

'''Kathleen:''' Ah. She did this as a way to draw attention to the plight of homeless people.

'''Cameron:''' Ah, yes. Nothing engenders more empathy for the homeless than trapping people in an involuntary urine sauna.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO CAMERON}'' Don't forget the crickets.

'''Cameron:''' My bad...I meant, "Hell".

'''Kathleen:''' A Norwegian man became stuck in the tank of an outhouse for an hour after he dove in to get a friend's cell phone.

'''Paul:''' It turns out he didn't actually get stuck in the toilet. He went down there and got the phone and it was running "Pokemon GO" and there was a Muk right there and he was trying to find it and... ''{SHAKES HIS HEAD}''

'''Cameron:''' How do you even begin to explain to this man...that you don't want your cell phone back?

'''Kathleen:''' So, as sometimes happens, this man's friend was using the toilet and their phone fell out of their pocket and into the tank. So the guy and his friend discussed it and they came to the conclusion that only one of them was thin enough to try and drop down into the tank and retrieve the phone. But, upon getting INTO the tank, our hero realized 1) he was thigh-deep in human feces and 2) he didn't like confined spaces very much.

'''Paul:''' If this guy had no problem with confined spaces, I'm pretty sure this would cause him to have a problem. Like, if somebody came up to me and said, "I have claustrophobia," and you go, "Why?" and he's, like, "Well, I went into the tank of a port-o-potty and there was poop up to my thighs and I got stuck there," I'd be, like, "Yeah. That's, uh, that is a totally reasonable, uh, excuse for why you have claustrophobia."

'''Kathleen:''' I have a direct quote from our hero...

''{PAUL SCREAMS IN HORROR OFF-SCREEN}''

'''Cameron:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, ALSO HORRIFIED}'' Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' "It was disgusting as hell. The worst thing I have ever experienced. Animals were down there, too. I will never enter a toilet again."

'''Paul:''' So after all that, did the phone work?

'''Cameron:''' Oh, yeah. Yeah. They just dumped it in a bag of rice and they were back to texting their meth dealers and tweeting about Trump.

'''Kathleen:''' A Chinese man was arrested after he dismantled his neighbor's internet switch so photos of him square-dancing could not make their way online.

'''Cameron:''' I've totally been there, dude. When it's, like, 2am and you've drunk-texted an ex and you're sitting there with a bread knife thinking, "I've got thirty seconds to saw down the cell tower.

'''Kathleen:''' So, for context, square-dancing is apparently a hobby among middle-aged women in China. And the guy, after he went dancing, noticed people were taking his photo and laughing. And so he assumed that they were mocking him and the photos would go online. And, correction: he did not destroy ONE internet...sorta, box in his neighborhood; he destroyed FOUR...just to be sure.

'''Paul:''' Did he, like, do all this stuff and break all these boxes and then the cops came to, like, arrest him because he vandalized all this equipment and he was, like, "Oh, yeah. Uh, sorry. I had to do that because I had to get rid of all these square-dancing pictures"? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the entire operation if he tells people what he was trying to hide?

'''Cameron:''' No, you're right, Paul...none of this adds up. Was he expecting the cops to be, like, "Oh...oh, we get it. No, that would be totally embarrassing. You can go now."?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{THOUGHTFUL}'' Hmm, and, y'know? Despite all of this publicity, no photos or video of this man's square-dancing performance have surfaced online in China. Interesting...

'''Paul:''' The way I see it, this guy's got a problem now. 'Cause if there are ANY pictures of him online - not just the square-dancing pictures but ANY pictures - then it's only a matter of time before somebody Photoshops him into a square-dancing picture. And then all his stuff will be for nothing.

'''Cameron:''' ''{GLASSES OFF}'' To be honest, I'm not sure this guy meets the "notoriety threshold" for 'Shops. Like, sure,...like, I get Harambe, I get Trump, but...just this guy? I didn't even get his name.

'''Kathleen:''' Cold as ice, Cam. And, on that note, we should probably call this episode to a close. Because there may be better sources of news...but they don't talk about things that they love and then quickly pivot back to things that make them angry...um, well, I mean, that's actually a LOT of sources of news, never mind...but they also don't have THIS hat...''{DONS BLACK WOOL SCOTTISH-STYLE HAT WITH YELLOW TASSEL ON TOP AND CHECKERBOARDS AROUND THE LIP}''...which is a genuine Queen's University engineering tam o'shanter. And it was sent to us by Emily. Thank you, Emily. ''{READS FROM LETTER}'' She says, "I got a gold engineering 'tam' for you as the superior Feed Dump host deserves only the best in Queen's headwear." YEAH! Yeah! Yeah...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' Maybe SOME good could come of this. If we could combine some of these viral sensations together and get those guys who take the four-gallon jugs of milk and smash them into the ground inside a convenience store for no reason...get THOSE guys and lock them into, y'know, a room full of crickets and worms and urine.

One Way to Get Famous Transcript

2016-09-05T22:40:45Z

Chriswolvie:

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[One Way to Get Famous]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, THIS week, in an astonishing and un-heard-of change of pace, we're all just "things that we like". I'm "Kittens"; I love kittens. And joining me this week is "Clean sheets, fresh out of the dryer"...

'''Cameron:''' I'd really like to voice my appreciation for whatever boardroom full of executives decided circa 1962 that the smell of fresh laundry was going to be "Lily of the Valley".

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Mint chocolate chip ice cream".

'''Paul:''' ICE CREAM!!

''{TITLE: THESE ARE THREE OF OUR FAVOURITE THINGS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Continuing the unprecedented spree this week on Feed Dump, we are issuing our first "Feed Dump Retraction" It turns out the [We Salute You|story that was too perfect to be true] was too perfect to be true. A woman who spilled crickets and worms on the subway was not, in fact, truly crazy. She was just "crazy" about making a viral video to get famous on the internet.

'''Cameron:''' I would like to voice my relief with this bit of news. Because I honestly started to feel a little bad after last week's episode because what if this actually a mentally-ill person who was having some kind of break? Um, but now, discovering that she's in fact a performance artist, I can go back to my normal sense of dissatisfaction with having just help perpetuate somebody's virility.

'''Paul:''' I know that everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame but there ARE easier ways to get famous on the internet. Get a bunch of PS3s, for example.

'''Kathleen:''' According to Zaida Pugh, the woman who perpetuated this stunt, she bought all the crickets and worms online, the people who shoved her are friends who also did their own online stuff. But not EVERY element was planned. For example, the person who was so terrified they pulled the emergency brake, that was just a person who happened to be on the subway while they decided to do this. And, uh, her peeing on the floor was also unplanned. According to a direct quote, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "I did (urinate), but didn't purposely MEAN to. It was very hot and I was holding my bladder. (And then,) when I realized we weren’t going anywhere, I said, 'I'm gonna just let it out.'"

'''Cameron:''' This is really taking me on an emotional roller coaster. First I was like, "Eww!" Then I was like, "Ugggg..." Then I was like, "(sigh) Oh." Then I was like, "Ehh?" Then I was like, "Uggggh!" And now I'm just mad.

'''Paul:''' I like that the point we are in our society is, if somebody's selling crickets and worms on the subway and drops them all over everyone, they're a crazy person. But if that same person does the exact same thing but FILMS it and puts it on the internet, now they're not crazy anymore.

'''Cameron:''' To be perfectly fair, I don't think getting schwifty in a subway car is really the critical point for diagnosing schizophrenia. It probably has something to do with a CT scan?

'''Paul:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' So what were the crickets and worms supposed to represent? Or were the crickets representing something and the worms something different?

'''Kathleen:''' Ah. She did this as a way to draw attention to the plight of homeless people.

'''Cameron:''' Ah, yes. Nothing engenders more empathy for the homeless than trapping people in an involuntary urine sauna.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO CAMERON}'' Don't forget the crickets.

'''Cameron:''' My bad...I meant, "Hell".

'''Kathleen:''' A Norwegian man became stuck in the tank of an outhouse for an hour after he dove in to get a friend's cell phone.

'''Paul:''' It turns out he didn't actually get stuck in the toilet. He went down there and got the phone and it was running "Pokemon GO" and there was a Muk right there and he was trying to find it and... ''{SHAKES HIS HEAD}''

'''Cameron:''' How do you even begin to explain to this man...that you don't want your cell phone back?

'''Kathleen:''' So, as sometimes happens, this man's friend was using the toilet and their phone fell out of their pocket and into the tank. So the guy and his friend discussed it and they came to the conclusion that only one of them was thin enough to try and drop down into the tank and retrieve the phone. But, upon getting INTO the tank, our hero realized 1) he was thigh-deep in human feces and 2) he didn't like confined spaces very much.

'''Paul:''' If this guy had no problem with confined spaces, I'm pretty sure this would cause him to have a problem. Like, if somebody came up to me and said, "I have claustrophobia," and you go, "Why?" and he's, like, "Well, I went into the tank of a port-o-potty and there was poop up to my thighs and I got stuck there," I'd be, like, "Yeah. That's, uh, that is a totally reasonable, uh, excuse for why you have claustrophobia."

'''Kathleen:''' I have a direct quote from our hero...

''{PAUL SCREAMS IN HORROR OFF-SCREEN}''

'''Cameron:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, ALSO HORRIFIED}'' Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' "It was disgusting as hell. The worst thing I have ever experienced. Animals were down there, too. I will never enter a toilet again."

'''Paul:''' So after all that, did the phone work?

'''Cameron:''' Oh, yeah. Yeah. They just dumped it in a bag of rice and they were back to texting their meth dealers and tweeting about Trump.

'''Kathleen:''' A Chinese man was arrested after he dismantled his neighbor's internet switch so photos of him square-dancing could not make their way online.

'''Cameron:''' I've totally been there, dude. When it's, like, 2am and you've drunk-texted an ex and you're sitting there with a bread knife thinking, "I've got thirty seconds to saw down the cell tower.

'''Kathleen:''' So, for context, square-dancing is apparently a hobby among middle-aged women in China. And the guy, after he went dancing, noticed people were taking his photo and laughing. And so he assumed that they were mocking him and the photos would go online. And, correction: he did not destroy ONE internet...sorta, box in his neighborhood; he destroyed FOUR...just to be sure.

'''Paul:''' Did he, like, do all this stuff and break all these boxes and then the cops came to, like, arrest him because he vandalized all this equipment and he was, like, "Oh, yeah. Uh, sorry. I had to do that because I had to get rid of all these square-dancing pictures"? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the entire operation if he tells people what he was trying to hide?

'''Cameron:''' No, you're right, Paul...none of this adds up. Was he expecting the cops to be, like, "Oh...oh, we get it. No, that would be totally embarrassing. You can go now."?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{THOUGHTFUL}'' Hmm, and, y'know? Despite all of this publicity, no photos or video of this man's square-dancing performance have surfaced online in China. Interesting...

'''Paul:''' The way I see it, this guy's got a problem now. 'Cause if there are ANY pictures of him online - not just the square-dancing pictures but ANY pictures - then it's only a matter of time before somebody Photoshops him into a square-dancing picture. And then all his stuff will be for nothing.

'''Cameron:''' ''{GLASSES OFF}'' To be honest, I'm not sure this guy meets the "notoriety threshold" for 'Shops. Like, sure,...like, I get Harambe, I get Trump, but...just this guy? I didn't even get his name.

'''Kathleen:''' Cold as ice, Cam. And, on that note, we should probably call this episode to a close. Because there may be better sources of news...but they don't talk about things that they love and then quickly pivot back to things that make them angry...um, well, I mean, that's actually a LOT of sources of news, never mind...but they also don't have THIS hat...''{DONS BLACK WOOL SCOTTISH-STYLE HAT WITH YELLOW TASSEL ON TOP AND CHECKERBOARDS AROUND THE LIP}''...which is a genuine Queen's University engineering tam o'shanter. And it was sent to us by Emily. Thank you, Emily. ''{READS FROM LETTER}'' She says, "I got a gold engineering 'tam' for you as the superior Feed Dump host deserves only the best in Queen's headwear." YEAH! Yeah! Yeah...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' Maybe SOME good could come of this. If we could combine some of these viral sensations together and get those guys who take the four-gallon jugs of milk and smash them into the ground inside a convenience store for no reason...get THOSE guys and lock them into, y'know, a room full of crickets and worms and urine.

One Way to Get Famous Transcript

2016-09-05T22:39:58Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- One Way To Get Famous ''{FEED DUMP TITLE}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, THIS week, in an astonishing and un-heard-of change of..."

Transcript for Feed Dump- [[One Way To Get Famous]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, THIS week, in an astonishing and un-heard-of change of pace, we're all just "things that we like". I'm "Kittens"; I love kittens. And joining me this week is "Clean sheets, fresh out of the dryer"...

'''Cameron:''' I'd really like to voice my appreciation for whatever boardroom full of executives decided circa 1962 that the smell of fresh laundry was going to be "Lily of the Valley".

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Mint chocolate chip ice cream".

'''Paul:''' ICE CREAM!!

''{TITLE: THESE ARE THREE OF OUR FAVOURITE THINGS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Continuing the unprecedented spree this week on Feed Dump, we are issuing our first "Feed Dump Retraction" It turns out the [We Salute You|story that was too perfect to be true] was too perfect to be true. A woman who spilled crickets and worms on the subway was not, in fact, truly crazy. She was just "crazy" about making a viral video to get famous on the internet.

'''Cameron:''' I would like to voice my relief with this bit of news. Because I honestly started to feel a little bad after last week's episode because what if this actually a mentally-ill person who was having some kind of break? Um, but now, discovering that she's in fact a performance artist, I can go back to my normal sense of dissatisfaction with having just help perpetuate somebody's virility.

'''Paul:''' I know that everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame but there ARE easier ways to get famous on the internet. Get a bunch of PS3s, for example.

'''Kathleen:''' According to Zaida Pugh, the woman who perpetuated this stunt, she bought all the crickets and worms online, the people who shoved her are friends who also did their own online stuff. But not EVERY element was planned. For example, the person who was so terrified they pulled the emergency brake, that was just a person who happened to be on the subway while they decided to do this. And, uh, her peeing on the floor was also unplanned. According to a direct quote, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "I did (urinate), but didn't purposely MEAN to. It was very hot and I was holding my bladder. (And then,) when I realized we weren’t going anywhere, I said, 'I'm gonna just let it out.'"

'''Cameron:''' This is really taking me on an emotional roller coaster. First I was like, "Eww!" Then I was like, "Ugggg..." Then I was like, "(sigh) Oh." Then I was like, "Ehh?" Then I was like, "Uggggh!" And now I'm just mad.

'''Paul:''' I like that the point we are in our society is, if somebody's selling crickets and worms on the subway and drops them all over everyone, they're a crazy person. But if that same person does the exact same thing but FILMS it and puts it on the internet, now they're not crazy anymore.

'''Cameron:''' To be perfectly fair, I don't think getting schwifty in a subway car is really the critical point for diagnosing schizophrenia. It probably has something to do with a CT scan?

'''Paul:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' So what were the crickets and worms supposed to represent? Or were the crickets representing something and the worms something different?

'''Kathleen:''' Ah. She did this as a way to draw attention to the plight of homeless people.

'''Cameron:''' Ah, yes. Nothing engenders more empathy for the homeless than trapping people in an involuntary urine sauna.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO CAMERON}'' Don't forget the crickets.

'''Cameron:''' My bad...I meant, "Hell".

'''Kathleen:''' A Norwegian man became stuck in the tank of an outhouse for an hour after he dove in to get a friend's cell phone.

'''Paul:''' It turns out he didn't actually get stuck in the toilet. He went down there and got the phone and it was running "Pokemon GO" and there was a Muk right there and he was trying to find it and... ''{SHAKES HIS HEAD}''

'''Cameron:''' How do you even begin to explain to this man...that you don't want your cell phone back?

'''Kathleen:''' So, as sometimes happens, this man's friend was using the toilet and their phone fell out of their pocket and into the tank. So the guy and his friend discussed it and they came to the conclusion that only one of them was thin enough to try and drop down into the tank and retrieve the phone. But, upon getting INTO the tank, our hero realized 1) he was thigh-deep in human feces and 2) he didn't like confined spaces very much.

'''Paul:''' If this guy had no problem with confined spaces, I'm pretty sure this would cause him to have a problem. Like, if somebody came up to me and said, "I have claustrophobia," and you go, "Why?" and he's, like, "Well, I went into the tank of a port-o-potty and there was poop up to my thighs and I got stuck there," I'd be, like, "Yeah. That's, uh, that is a totally reasonable, uh, excuse for why you have claustrophobia."

'''Kathleen:''' I have a direct quote from our hero...

''{PAUL SCREAMS IN HORROR OFF-SCREEN}''

'''Cameron:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, ALSO HORRIFIED}'' Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' "It was disgusting as hell. The worst thing I have ever experienced. Animals were down there, too. I will never enter a toilet again."

'''Paul:''' So after all that, did the phone work?

'''Cameron:''' Oh, yeah. Yeah. They just dumped it in a bag of rice and they were back to texting their meth dealers and tweeting about Trump.

'''Kathleen:''' A Chinese man was arrested after he dismantled his neighbor's internet switch so photos of him square-dancing could not make their way online.

'''Cameron:''' I've totally been there, dude. When it's, like, 2am and you've drunk-texted an ex and you're sitting there with a bread knife thinking, "I've got thirty seconds to saw down the cell tower.

'''Kathleen:''' So, for context, square-dancing is apparently a hobby among middle-aged women in China. And the guy, after he went dancing, noticed people were taking his photo and laughing. And so he assumed that they were mocking him and the photos would go online. And, correction: he did not destroy ONE internet...sorta, box in his neighborhood; he destroyed FOUR...just to be sure.

'''Paul:''' Did he, like, do all this stuff and break all these boxes and then the cops came to, like, arrest him because he vandalized all this equipment and he was, like, "Oh, yeah. Uh, sorry. I had to do that because I had to get rid of all these square-dancing pictures"? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the entire operation if he tells people what he was trying to hide?

'''Cameron:''' No, you're right, Paul...none of this adds up. Was he expecting the cops to be, like, "Oh...oh, we get it. No, that would be totally embarrassing. You can go now."?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{THOUGHTFUL}'' Hmm, and, y'know? Despite all of this publicity, no photos or video of this man's square-dancing performance have surfaced online in China. Interesting...

'''Paul:''' The way I see it, this guy's got a problem now. 'Cause if there are ANY pictures of him online - not just the square-dancing pictures but ANY pictures - then it's only a matter of time before somebody Photoshops him into a square-dancing picture. And then all his stuff will be for nothing.

'''Cameron:''' ''{GLASSES OFF}'' To be honest, I'm not sure this guy meets the "notoriety threshold" for 'Shops. Like, sure,...like, I get Harambe, I get Trump, but...just this guy? I didn't even get his name.

'''Kathleen:''' Cold as ice, Cam. And, on that note, we should probably call this episode to a close. Because there may be better sources of news...but they don't talk about things that they love and then quickly pivot back to things that make them angry...um, well, I mean, that's actually a LOT of sources of news, never mind...but they also don't have THIS hat...''{DONS BLACK WOOL SCOTTISH-STYLE HAT WITH YELLOW TASSEL ON TOP AND CHECKERBOARDS AROUND THE LIP}''...which is a genuine Queen's University engineering tam o'shanter. And it was sent to us by Emily. Thank you, Emily. ''{READS FROM LETTER}'' She says, "I got a gold engineering 'tam' for you as the superior Feed Dump host deserves only the best in Queen's headwear." YEAH! Yeah! Yeah...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' Maybe SOME good could come of this. If we could combine some of these viral sensations together and get those guys who take the four-gallon jugs of milk and smash them into the ground inside a convenience store for no reason...get THOSE guys and lock them into, y'know, a room full of crickets and worms and urine.

One Way to Get Famous

2016-09-05T22:29:04Z

Chriswolvie: Created page with "This week on Feed Dump, a retraction, an extraction and an overreaction. ==Vital Statistics== "Interesting..." {{VitalStatisticsFeedDump..."