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Transcript for Feed Dump- [[Gorillas, UFOs and and Pie]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLES}''

'''Graham:''' Welcome to Feed Dump, where I'm a KITTEH! Specifically a Norwegian Forest Cat. Joining me this week is a Maine Coon, 

'''Kathleen:''' I'm the dog of cats! ''{MAKES THE BEEPING SOUND A MAINE COON MAKES}'' Brrru?

'''Graham:''' And a hairless Sphinx cat. 

'''Paul:''' I'm weird and creepy, but I have so much love to give!

'''Graham:''' And now you will listen to our kitty mews! 

''{TITLE: YOU WILL LISTEN TO OUR KITTY MEWS/NEWS (SUBTITLE: KITTIES KITTIES KITTIES KITTIES KITTIES!)}''

'''Graham:''' From the department of "Aww, come on, no!" A man got a Netflix tattoo on him, for which he has received a one year subscription to Netflix. 

'''Paul:''' The trick with tattoos is you don't wanna move too quickly though. Imagine if he'd got a Qwikster tattoo. Then he would look like an idiot!

'''Kathleen:''' That tattoo doesn't actually look that small. And being LoadingReadyRun's resident tattoo expert slash only tattoo owner, I have to say, depending on how big it actually is and where he got it done, he probably spent more, or about the same as, the cost of that one year subscription to Netflix. 

'''Paul:''' I'm starting to think this was not actually a Netflix promotional thing. I think this guy maybe just got the tattoo on a side, and then took a picture of it and sent it to Netflix, and they were like, "HA HA HA HA! That's great. Send him a subscription."

'''Graham:''' That is precisely what happened. What a waste of that power! Think of all the cooler things he could have gotten for free than a year of Netflix! 

'''Kathleen:''' Technically this makes Netflix a better company than LoadingReadyRun, 'cause we met a guy with a LoadingReadyRun tattoo once, and we didn't give him anything. 

'''Graham:''' Well, we... we gave him a high five. I mean, it's not nothing. 

'''Paul:''' I think this guy is coming at this all wrong. 'Cause if you get the tattoo first, and then talk to the company, that puts you in a bad negotiating position. 'Cause the company can just be like, "oh yeah? Yeah? Uh, no! We're not gonna give you anything."

"What are you gonna do? The tattoo's permanent." 

'''Kathleen:''' The guy doesn't have a negotiating position anyhow. What company is gonna be like, "hey! This crazy guy wants to get our logo tattooed on his body. Yeah, that sounds great. Let's deal with him. Let's make him the face of our product."

'''Paul:''' Sure, he's not gonna be the face of the company. But he could be like, the upper side torso of the company. 

'''Kathleen:''' You can only be the upper side torso of my company as long as he keeps his shirt on at all times. 

'''Graham:''' The Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Canadian government no longer officially investigate UFO sightings. 

'''Paul:''' I like to imagine that it wasn't like a big policy decision, it was just like, the straw that broke the camel's back. Like, they were investigating UFO sightings and humouring people, and then just... there was just one too many, and they were like, "NOPE. That's it! We are not investigating UFO sightings anymore. This is bullshit."

'''Graham:''' Going forward, if you're a Canadian and you have a UFO sighting, your information will be passed on by the government or the police to a guy named Chris. 

'''Kathleen:''' Does... ''{AIRQUOTES}'' "Chris" work for the government or the space agency?

'''Graham:''' Nnnnnope. Chris Rutkowski is a civilian science writer who has published the Canadian UFO survey since 1989. 

'''Paul:''' This is actually a really interesting idea to save money with the police. Anything they don't wanna deal with, they'd just be like, "okay, that is a really interesting problem. We will forward it on to our guy who specializes in that, his name is Dave." 

'''Kathleen:''' Paul! You could save even more money! You don't have to send it anywhere. You just file it in the round filing can. 

'''Graham:''' It's been a while since the Dump Truck came by, but it's rounded the block and it's back again. Let's see what it's brought. 

''{TITLE: IT'S THE DUMP TRUCK! BACK AGAIN! DUMPING ALL THE THINGS ('''Graham:''' Hasn't been here since episode twenty.)}''

'''Graham:''' I was in a Korean grocery store the other day, and I felt like some fresh pie. ''{HOLDS UP BRIGHT GREEN FRESH PIE BOX (STRAWBERRY FLAVOUR)}''

Fresh pie! It's now! ''{POINTS TO "IT'S NOW" ON THE BOX}''

'''Paul:''' I guess the individually wrapped packages of stale pie never really took off. 

'''Kathleen:''' I've never really had pie and philosophy together before. Fresh pie! It's now! ...it is now! What other time would it be? What does now mean? This is all very deep. I'm not sure I'm ready for this from my prepackaged baked goods. 

'''Graham:''' According to the production date ''{POINTS TO BOX}'' these Fresh Pies were made on April 10th, 2012. So they're about a year old. And they are best before ''{READS BOX}'' literally yesterday. So, it is now! It's now or never! 

''{SHOT OF CLOSEUP OF PAUL POINTED TO THE BOTTOM LEFT CORNER OF THE BOX, WHERE "NO PRESERVATIVES" IS WRITTEN}''

'''Paul:''' I would just like to point out that it has no preservatives in it. 

''{CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW PAUL HOLDING THE BOX}'' 

What's the point in having a weird prepackaged pie product if it has no preservatives in it?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{HOLDING INDIVIDUAL FRESH PIE PACKET}'' Avoid direct sunshine. Keep in a cool place. Is this a vampire or a pie?

'''Paul:''' ''{HOLDING INDIVIDUAL FRESH PIE PACKET, SHRUGGING}'' Why can't it be both?!

'''Graham:''' ''{HOLDING HALF EATEN FRESH PIE}'' There are nutrition facts. ''{LOOKS AT PIE}'' Only a hundred calories a pie! ''{NOT BAD FACE}'' Seems OK, considering. Really. I would expect much worse. ''{TAKES ANOTHER BITE, MUFFLED FROM FOOD IN MOUTH}'' Lot of sodium, though. ''{CHEWS}'' Lotta sodium. 

''{SHOT OF PAUL AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. EACH HAS A HALF-EATEN FRESH PIE. PAUL LOOKS AT HIS}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{GESTURES WITH FRESH PIE}'' If you are looking for a weird Korean grocery store snack, you can do way worse than It's Now Fresh Pie. ''{TAKES A BITE}'' 

''{PAUL LAUGHS A BIT}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{MUFFLED FROM FOOD IN MOUTH}'' It's average. ''{BREAKS}''

'''Graham:''' A zookeeper at the Calgary zoo was surprised when he went into the kitchen for the rainforest exhibit and found himself face to face with a gorilla. 

'''Kathleen:''' Uh, I don't really see what the problem is, he was going in for his lunch, the gorilla was going in there for his lunch, they probably just coulda eaten lunch together. 

'''Graham:''' It had gotten past the gorilla-proof locks. 

'''Paul:''' For some reason, when I hear gorilla-proof locks, what I envision is something extremely sophisticated, like more complex than just a regular lock that's theoretically people-proof. Like, I imagine some sort of like, electronic keypad, with rotating code numbers that the guy has to like, you know, use a special thing that he gets random codes every two minutes or something, like, really sophisticated security system. 

'''Kathleen:''' What it probably is, is just, like, three padlocks that the gorilla smashed. 

'''Paul:''' The new gorilla-proof lock system is a sign that says "No Gorillas." 

'''Kathleen:''' The new gorilla-proof lock system is a picture of a really ugly lady gorilla. And she's like, makin' a come-hither face, and all the other gorillas are like, "mmm, nope. Not havin' that."

'''Graham:''' ''{AIRQUOTES}'' "Gorilla-proof." I bet they worked this out ages ago, and this is just the first time they've been caught. 

'''Kathleen:''' They would have actually caught the gorillas much sooner, but they started stocking those off-brand Nutrigrain bars, and for a while they just weren't even bothering to go in. 

'''Graham:''' So until next time, enjoy your fresh pies, and remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this mask. ''{PUTS ON GORILLA MASK}'' Which I think you'll agree is one hundred percent convincing. ''{SCRATCHES AT COLLAR}'' Completely convincing. 

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{SHOT OF PAUL AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS WEARING THE GORILLA MASK. KATHLEEN HAS HER PHONE HELD UP IN FRONT OF HER FACE, IS OSTENSIBLY TEXTING}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{PUTS PHONE DOWN}'' Oh! Hey Dave! How's it going?

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING GORILLA MASK, MUFFLED, MAKES GORILLA NOISES}'' Ooh, urr hurrrr. 

'''Kathleen:''' Whatcha doin' here? 

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING GORILLA MASK, MUFFLED, MAKES GORILLA NOISES}'' Nurr, ooorugahggggg, urrhhh! 

'''Kathleen:''' Oh, I see you're having some of those Fresh Pies! 

'''Paul:''' ''{WEARING GORILLA MASK, NODS, HOLDS UP FRESH PIE, MUFFLED, MAKES GORILLA NOISES}'' Ooourgh, urrr! 

'''Kathleen:''' ''{NODDING IN AGREEMENT}'' It IS now! 

[[Category: Transcripts]]