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Transcript for Feed Dump- [[One Way To Get Famous]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where, THIS week, in an astonishing and un-heard-of change of pace, we're all just "things that we like".  I'm "Kittens";  I love kittens.  And joining me this week is "Clean sheets, fresh out of the dryer"...

'''Cameron:''' I'd really like to voice my appreciation for whatever boardroom full of executives decided circa 1962 that the smell of fresh laundry was going to be "Lily of the Valley".

'''Kathleen:''' ...and "Mint chocolate chip ice cream".

'''Paul:''' ICE CREAM!!

''{TITLE: THESE ARE THREE OF OUR FAVOURITE THINGS}''

'''Kathleen:''' Continuing the unprecedented spree this week on Feed Dump, we are issuing our first "Feed Dump Retraction"  It turns out the [We Salute You|story that was too perfect to be true] was too perfect to be true.  A woman who spilled crickets and worms on the subway was not, in fact, truly crazy.  She was just "crazy" about making a viral video to get famous on the internet.

'''Cameron:''' I would like to voice my relief with this bit of news.  Because I honestly started to feel a little bad after last week's episode because what if this actually a mentally-ill person who was having some kind of break?  Um, but now, discovering that she's in fact a performance artist, I can go back to my normal sense of dissatisfaction with having just help perpetuate somebody's virility.

'''Paul:''' I know that everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame but there ARE easier ways to get famous on the internet.  Get a bunch of PS3s, for example.

'''Kathleen:''' According to Zaida Pugh, the woman who perpetuated this stunt, she bought all the crickets and worms online, the people who shoved her are friends who also did their own online stuff.  But not EVERY element was planned.  For example, the person who was so terrified they pulled the emergency brake, that was just a person who happened to be on the subway while they decided to do this.  And, uh, her peeing on the floor was also unplanned.  According to a direct quote, ''{READS FROM iPHONE}'' "I did (urinate), but didn't purposely MEAN to.  It was very hot and I was holding my bladder. (And then,) when I realized we weren’t going anywhere, I said, 'I'm gonna just let it out.'"

'''Cameron:''' This is really taking me on an emotional roller coaster.  First I was like, "Eww!"  Then I was like, "Ugggg..."  Then I was like, "(sigh) Oh."  Then I was like, "Ehh?"  Then I was like, "Uggggh!"  And now I'm just mad.

'''Paul:''' I like that the point we are in our society is, if somebody's selling crickets and worms on the subway and drops them all over everyone, they're a crazy person.  But if that same person does the exact same thing but FILMS it and puts it on the internet, now they're not crazy anymore.

'''Cameron:''' To be perfectly fair, I don't think getting schwifty in a subway car is really the critical point for diagnosing schizophrenia.  It probably has something to do with a CT scan?

'''Paul:''' ''{TO KATHLEEN}'' So what were the crickets and worms supposed to represent?  Or were the crickets representing something and the worms something different?

'''Kathleen:''' Ah.  She did this as a way to draw attention to the plight of homeless people.

'''Cameron:''' Ah, yes.  Nothing engenders more empathy for the homeless than trapping people in an involuntary urine sauna.

'''Kathleen:''' ''{TO CAMERON}'' Don't forget the crickets.

'''Cameron:''' My bad...I meant, "Hell".

'''Kathleen:''' A Norwegian man became stuck in the tank of an outhouse for an hour after he dove in to get a friend's cell phone.

'''Paul:''' It turns out he didn't actually get stuck in the toilet.  He went down there and got the phone and it was running "Pokemon GO" and there was a Muk right there and he was trying to find it and... ''{SHAKES HIS HEAD}''

'''Cameron:''' How do you even begin to explain to this man...that you don't want your cell phone back?

'''Kathleen:''' So, as sometimes happens, this man's friend was using the toilet and their phone fell out of their pocket and into the tank.  So the guy and his friend discussed it and they came to the conclusion that only one of them was thin enough to try and drop down into the tank and retrieve the phone.  But, upon getting INTO the tank, our hero realized 1) he was thigh-deep in human feces and 2) he didn't like confined spaces very much.

'''Paul:''' If this guy had no problem with confined spaces, I'm pretty sure this would cause him to have a problem.  Like, if somebody came up to me and said, "I have claustrophobia," and you go, "Why?" and he's, like, "Well, I went into the tank of a port-o-potty and there was poop up to my thighs and I got stuck there," I'd be, like, "Yeah.  That's, uh, that is a totally reasonable, uh, excuse for why you have claustrophobia."

'''Kathleen:''' I have a direct quote from our hero...

''{PAUL SCREAMS IN HORROR OFF-SCREEN}''

'''Cameron:''' ''{OFF-SCREEN, ALSO HORRIFIED}'' Kill me!  Kill me!  Kill me!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FROM iPHONE}'' "It was disgusting as hell.  The worst thing I have ever experienced.  Animals were down there, too.  I will never enter a toilet again."

'''Paul:''' So after all that, did the phone work?

'''Cameron:''' Oh, yeah.  Yeah.  They just dumped it in a bag of rice and they were back to texting their meth dealers and tweeting about Trump.

'''Kathleen:''' A Chinese man was arrested after he dismantled his neighbor's internet switch so photos of him square-dancing could not make their way online.

'''Cameron:''' I've totally been there, dude.  When it's, like, 2am and you've drunk-texted an ex and you're sitting there with a bread knife thinking, "I've got thirty seconds to saw down the cell tower.

'''Kathleen:''' So, for context, square-dancing is apparently a hobby among middle-aged women in China.  And the guy, after he went dancing, noticed people were taking his photo and laughing.  And so he assumed that they were mocking him and the photos would go online.  And, correction: he did not destroy ONE internet...sorta, box in his neighborhood; he destroyed FOUR...just to be sure.

'''Paul:''' Did he, like, do all this stuff and break all these boxes and then the cops came to, like, arrest him because he vandalized all this equipment and he was, like, "Oh, yeah.  Uh, sorry.  I had to do that because I had to get rid of all these square-dancing pictures"?  Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the entire operation if he tells people what he was trying to hide?

'''Cameron:''' No, you're right, Paul...none of this adds up.  Was he expecting the cops to be, like, "Oh...oh, we get it.  No, that would be totally embarrassing.  You can go now."?

'''Kathleen:''' ''{THOUGHTFUL}'' Hmm, and, y'know?  Despite all of this publicity, no photos or video of this man's square-dancing performance have surfaced online in China.  Interesting...

'''Paul:''' The way I see it, this guy's got a problem now.  'Cause if there are ANY pictures of him online - not just the square-dancing pictures but ANY pictures - then it's only a matter of time before somebody Photoshops him into a square-dancing picture.  And then all his stuff will be for nothing.

'''Cameron:''' ''{GLASSES OFF}'' To be honest, I'm not sure this guy meets the "notoriety threshold" for 'Shops.  Like, sure,...like, I get Harambe, I get Trump, but...just this guy?  I didn't even get his name.

'''Kathleen:''' Cold as ice, Cam.  And, on that note, we should probably call this episode to a close.  Because there may be better sources of news...but they don't talk about things that they love and then quickly pivot back to things that make them angry...um, well, I mean, that's actually a LOT of sources of news, never mind...but they also don't have THIS hat...''{DONS BLACK WOOL SCOTTISH-STYLE HAT WITH YELLOW TASSEL ON TOP AND CHECKERBOARDS AROUND THE LIP}''...which is a genuine Queen's University engineering tam o'shanter.  And it was sent to us by Emily.  Thank you, Emily.  ''{READS FROM LETTER}'' She says, "I got a gold engineering 'tam' for you as the superior Feed Dump host deserves only the best in Queen's headwear."  YEAH!  Yeah!  Yeah...

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

'''Paul:''' Maybe SOME good could come of this.  If we could combine some of these viral sensations together and get those guys who take the four-gallon jugs of milk and smash them into the ground inside a convenience store for no reason...get THOSE guys and lock them into, y'know, a room full of crickets and worms and urine.