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Transcript for [[Bag Full of Bees]]

''{FEED DUMP TITLE}''

''{DURING KATHLEEN'S INTRO, A MESSAGE POPS UP: "MY MIKE WAS OFF AND MY AUDIO IS BAD THIS WEEK!  SORRY EVERYONE! -KATHLEEN"}''

'''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump!  Now, today is not a particularly scary time of year, but terror can strike at any time and that's why we...are...phobias!  I am gephyrophobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges.  Joining me this week is nyctopobia...

'''Serge:''' Shadows have nothing on my imagination.

'''Kathleen:''' And triskaidekaphobia.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP, COUNTING MONEY}'' Eleven, twelve, thirtee...''{TOSSES MONEY IN HORROR}'' SHIT!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{SINGING TUNELESSLY}'' And we're all up in your grill making your brain crazy.  Do-do-do-do...irrational behavior...woo-woo-woo.

''{TITLE: WOW.  THAT WAS AWFUL.  NO MORE SINGING.  I PROMISE! (SUBTITLE: NO I DON'T)}''

'''Kathleen:''' One problem with working in an office is sometimes your lunch just goes missing because your co-workers are assholes.  Now, you can just put up notes and say, "Hey, don't take my lunch."  Or you can play pranks like, "Hey, I licked all my food so if you ate my food you're eating my spit."  OR you can be one Maryland man who caught a co-worker stealing one of his meatballs and then stabbed him in the arm.

'''Serge:''' Is that more or less civil than just poisoning your food?

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' So, I sorta saw where this story was going as you were saying it.  But, I thought WAY worse.  Like, I figured he had, like, a land mine or a hand grenade or something in his lunch so that, like, when he eats it,...dead.

'''Serge:''' This is pretty tame for a story - it was, y'know, a violent reaction - as opposed to a death trap.  And I was expecting more of a death trap.  I'D make a death trap.

'''Kathleen:''' Well, since you guys are so FULL of advice on how you could {FINGER QUOTES} "improve" this man's crime, why don't we debut a brand-new segment I just thought of right now?  If you've got a question, why not ask Alex and Serge, your advice columnists?

''{TITLE: SERGE AND ALEX GIVE YOU ADVICE AND YOU'LL PROBABLY GET ARRESTED}''

'''Kathleen:''' Serge and Alex, I work in an office and someone's stealing my meatballs!  How can I keep my precious protein orbs safe?

'''Serge:''' Barbed-wire, cameras, armed guards.  Wait, that's a prison.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' Chloroform meatballs and then you put them in a "Saw"-style death-trap!

''{CUT TO JIGSAW DOLL}''

'''Alex:''' ''{AS JIGSAW}'' Hello, Jeff!  I'd like to eat a lunch with you!

'''Serge:''' Just "kneecap" everyone in the office.  SOMEONE's guilty.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' Lunchbag full of BEEEEEEEEE...

'''Serge:''' ...EEEEEEEEE...

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' ...EEEEEEEEE...

'''Serge & Alex:''' ''{CHEEK TO CHEEK}'' ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

'''Kathleen:''' ''{IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT}'' Dateline: Karagullen, Perth. ''{IN NORMAL VOICE}'' That's my bad Australian accent.  Anyhow, Dateline: Karagullen, Perth where an Australian man has been arrested after he tried to carjack three cars using only his naked body and a large stick.

'''Serge:''' ''{EVEN WORSE ACCENT}'' Crickey!

'''Alex:''' ''{OFFSCREEN}'' HEY!

''{PAN OUT TO SHOW ALEX IN THE REFEREE SHIRT, GIVING SERGE THE TWO-FINGERED "I'M WATCHING YOU!" MOTION}''

'''Alex:''' ''{WITH REGULAR SHIRT AND BLACK CAP}'' So was this guy, like, super-strong or just, like, super-sexy?

'''Serge:''' I'm just impressed with his perseverance.  I mean...three cars?  I would've given up after the first. {PAUSE} N-not that I'd be naked trying to break into cars in the first place...but, ''{THUMBS UP}'' good on him.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' Also, what kind of stick did he have? ''{HOLDS UP A BOOMERANG}''

'''Serge:''' ''{IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE}'' ''{IN BRITISH ACCENT}'' A'ight, let's stick to the facts.  He was Australian, he had a stick...

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING HANDCUFFS WITH BOTH HANDS}'' ''{IN BRITISH ACCENT}'' 'E went naked, Guv'nor!

'''Serge:''' ''{IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE}'' ''{IN BRITISH ACCENT}'' Naked?!  Are you supposed to be Watson?

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP AND BARE CHEST, HOLDING HANDCUFFS WITH BOTH HANDS}'' ''{IN BRITISH ACCENT}'' Sexy Watson, Guv'nor. ''{BLOWS KISS TO CAMERA}''

'''Kathleen:''' That's right, kids. ''{WINKS}'' "Ship" it!  ''{A SPEECH BALLOON WITH A HEART IN IT APPEARS}''

'''Serge:''' ''{IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE} {IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT}'' Crickey...

'''Kathleen:''' A cemetery in New Mexico is becoming a nexus of creepiness after a mysterious man started showing up there dressed like the Grim Reaper.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP AND SHIRT}'' If this story's about skeletons, I'm fucking done!

'''Serge:''' Thirteen skeletons...

''{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}''

'''Serge:''' He's in a cemetery.  He's the embodiment of Death.  It would be weird if he was at a mall.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP, MOANING}'' These deals are to DIE FOR!  Sale on now.

'''Serge:''' Thirteen percent off.

''{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}''

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' Has anybody thought to interview this guy or...arrest him?

'''Kathleen:''' Why, yes, Alex.  KQRE-Albuquerque did.

''{SHOWING INTRO TO KRQE NEWS 13}''

'''Kathleen:''' ''{READING FORM iPHONE}'' "The mysterious man says that his name is ''{FINGER QUOTES}'' 'Light Wanderer' and that he comes to the cemetery to pray."

''{CUT TO SCENE OF NEWS REPORT SHOWING "LIGHT WANDERER" BEING INTERVIEWED}''

'''Light Wanderer:''' The weight of time weighs heavy on our souls.

''{BACK TO MOONBASE}''

'''Serge:''' ''{SOUNDING INNOCENT}'' That's really sweet.  He brought flowers to strangers in a graveyard.  That's not creepy at all. ''{TO CAMERA}'' That's REALLY creepy.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' I don't know about you but I kinda have spooky blue balls now.

'''Serge:''' Guy takes a lot of the mystery out of it when he just names himself.

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' ''{SOUTHERN ACCENT}'' Yeah, you're gonna wanna watch out for my brother.  Name's "Heavy Wanderer".  He's a real tough cookie.

'''Serge:''' I'm...I'm kinda sad now.  I was hoping it was a...a publicity stunt for a metal band or something.  And he'd be, like, y'know, "We're Death Satans and we're here to rock!"

'''Alex:''' ''{IN BLACK CAP}'' "Death Satans" sounds like the name for a teenage metal group.

'''Serge:''' Yeah, a bunch of thirteen-year-olds...

''{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}''

'''Kathleen:''' Well, I think we've triggered Alex enough for one day.  And, sadly, that means we have to bring this Feed Dump to an end.  But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...''{PUTS ON A FURRY KNIT-LIKE CAP WITH VIKING HORNS ATOP IT}''...THIS hat.  And me and this hat are goin' to Brown Town!  ''{GROWLS HALF-HEARTEDLY}''  Stuff...rrrr...viking...

'''Alex:''' ''{OFFSCREEN}'' What the fuck is "Brown Town"?!

'''Kathleen:''' It's a reference to...boyfriend Kenji's...Magic stream on Twitch...when he would put minotaur...like, he'd do a minotaur deck with Theros and he would, like, put on a viking hat and say that he was "going to Brown Town"...I realize this joke is funny to me and my friend and not to anyone else watching now so...thanks, Alex.

''{ALEX CRACKS UP OFFSCREEN}''

''{FEED DUMP CREDITS}''

''{CUT TO ALEX, BLACK CAP AND SHIRTLESS AGAIN, TWIRLING THE HANDCUFFS AROUND WITH HIS FINGER AND GIVING A KNOWING NOD TO THE CAMERA}''

[[Category:Transcripts]]