View source for Qwerpline Ep43 - Free Tubes Transcript

{{QwerplineTranscript|Qwerpline Ep43 - Free Tubes}}

'''Announcer''': You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

''{Graphic: Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti}''

'''Announcer''': ...Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti. New from Huffer Pharma chemicals, it's a fun, festive way to empty your sinuses. Freddy the Yeti Neti confetti: you'll break like a levy.

''{Graphic and Music: Qwerpline}''

'''Big G-Money''': Good morning Nsburg, welcome to Qwerpline. Big G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?

'''A-Train''': Tightened, lubed, and good to go.

'''G-Money''': We just started, where you going?

'''A-Train''': Well after work I'm going to go do some donuts in Lesser Miami to test out my new suspension.

'''G-Money''': Ooh, could you bring me a Heathston pine cruller?

'''A-Train''': Why?

'''G-Money''': I don't know, I just like the Turpines

'''Michael O'Leary''': I, too, enjoy the fine, piny notes of Heathston's pastry namesake.

'''A-Train''': Did I just put myself on the hook to get a baker's dozen for the office?

'''Edith Slump''': Yes please, I'd like one.

''{Sound effect: honk honk}''

'''A-Train''': Gus, you're off carbs

'''G-Money''': Oh, I see Joan's lights come on, so it's time to move on to-no, oh, no, she, she also wants a donut.

'''A-Train''': I will take that out of petty cash.

'''G-Money''': Sounds like a plan. Have fun on your eventual trip away from ...

''{Graphic: Town slogan}''

'''G-Money''': ...scenic Nsburg: the town that banned production of Thurpston pine crawlers.

'''A-Train''': Is that one of the official slogans?

'''G-Money''': No, but it should be. And now, the news.

''{Graphic and music: News}''

'''G-Money''': The Nsburg Nudest Apiary Club is holding their semiannual honey sale. In addition to the honey they'll be demoing hive construction, haploid-diploid husbandry - or as they're calling it buzzbandry - princess raising, queen cleaning, drone strikes, swarming for fashion, sculpting the perfect bee beard and or merkin, and a quick how-to session on making your own EpiPen.

'''A-Train''': I just cringed my thighs into my torso.

'''G-Money''': They'll also be serving samples of the Indonesian dish botok tawon which, while high in fat, is an excellent source of all the water soluble B vitamins and a lot of bees.

'''A-Train''': Oh, oh, good. It's, it's just larvae.

'''G-Money''': Uh yuh.

'''A-Train''': Bee larvae. That you eat.

'''G-Money''': Yes sir.

'''A-Train''': What a relief.

'''G-Money''': Truly. And speaking of fun workshops the Nsburg Glass Blowing Society is inviting everyone to come down for a new seminar series they're calling "Glass to Mouth".

'''A-Train''': Surely they see that problem-

'''G-Money''': Nope, I don't think they do. The copy is full of stuff like this. "Come on down and get glazed. Get a free shirt that says "Blow Me". Pucker up and huff this rod."

'''A-Train''': The picture is just a glass massage wand.

'''G-Money''': Uh, no no. They say it's a bong.

'''A-Train''': Huh.

'''G-Money''': Oh wait, no, it's both.

'''A-Train''': Gross.

'''G-Money''': If you can't make it to the seminar you're invited to participate in the post session afterglow while they shut the furnaces down that's some.

'''A-Train''': A+ copyrighting, I tell you what.

'''G-Money''': Oh, Joan's lights come back on Alex add another donut to the-oh, no, that's the-okay, sorry. 

''{Graphic: Live in the Studio}''

'''G-Money''': Uh, we, we now go to an interview with Copper T. Junction, the Second Brazier of the Nsburg Secret Pipesmen, here with us in the studio. 

''{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Copper T. Junction - 2nd Brazier, Secret Pipesmen}''

'''G-Money''': To accommodate his request for anonymity he has been provided with a QWRP paper bag.

'''Copper T. Junction''': It's a pleasure to be here today representing my fraternity, the Secret Pipesmen Chapter of Nsburg.

'''G-Money''': So do we have to keep calling you Copper T. Junction?

'''A-Train''': And are you called that because you're a Pipesman or just really into 80s hip hop?

'''Copper''': Oh, I couldn't be called fresh at this point. Why, it's been at least 16 years since I took the First Junction.

'''G-Money''': Cool, but that's not your given name, is it?

'''Copper''': Yes, it was given to me by the Secret Pipesmen in my first initiation: the First Junction, don't you know.

'''G-Money''': So do you always use secret names?

'''Copper''': Oh, no, the names aren't secret. I just told you mine.

'''G-Money''': Urgh.

'''A-Train''': They're always like this.

'''G-Money''': But why?

'''A-Train''': Also, I was at your open house last week. You guys have eight foot windows that face the street.

'''Copper''': That's why we have guards at the windows whose sacred duty is only to make sure that people don't peek in and read our name tags. Of course they have no idea what the names actually mean given their immense, immense historical significance to society and all traditions and all that sort of thing. It's, it's, it's all very steeped in a a very deep fraternal bond between the members of the Pipesmen. And it's not something an outsider would understand quite easily. It's just very, very difficult.

'''G-Money''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry to interrupt Mr T Junct-or Mr Copper T. Junc-I'm not entirely sure where the honorific goes. Um, I'm just being told that we have a caller and I didn't know it was that kind of interview, but go ahead you're live on QWRP. Why do we do this?

''{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}''

'''Derek''': Hi Graham, hi Alex.

'''G-Money''': Oh thank God, it's Derek.

'''A-Train''': And so it has come to this: Derek is the least weird thing to come through the phone.

'''Derek''': Oh, it's nice to hear from you too Alex. Um, I don't know if you guys are live or not, but can you just reconfirm that I'm doing this phone interview today in front of the Pipesmen cafeteria?

'''G-Money''': Why would we not be live right now?

'''A-Train''': Derek, What numbers are Mickey Mouse's hands pointing at right now?

'''Derek''': Alex, you know they tore down the Mickey Mouse clock at the cafeteria for copyright infringement. And because Mickey was nude. And not in a tasteful way like Donald.

'''A-Train''': On your wrist, Derek.

'''Derek''': Well the big hand's poin-oh, you're live.

''{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}''

'''Derek''': Hi gentle listeners, it's me Summer intern Derek. I'm calling in to complain because I was supposed to meet a Pipesman here outside the cafeteria so we could do an interview today, but he hasn't shown up.

'''G-Money''': Derek, he's here with u-this was a studio interview.

''{Graphic change: Live in the Studio}''

''{Caption added: IN THE STUDIO: Copper T. Junction - 2nd Brazier, Secret Pipesmen}''

'''Derek''': But I never come in and do studio interviews.

'''G-Money''': No, no, he's in the studio. With us.

'''Derek''': Well, why are you stealing my interview? This has happened multiple times and I'm going to file a complaint with Joan.

'''G-Money''': Okay, I'm just going to wait for the light to-there it is. Derek, congratulations, the floor is yours. Please take it away with your interview with Copper T. Junction, Second Brazier of the Nsburg Secret Pipesmen.

'''Derek''': Thank you. Hi Officer Steve.

'''Officer Steve''': Derek, I have a paper bag on. My identity is concealed.

'''Derek''': Well I can't tell that on the radio. It's a theater of the mind.

'''A-Train''': Just tell us why you're here.

''{Caption change: IN THE STUDIO: Officer Steve - Nsburg PD}''

'''Steve''': Well clearly this won't be necessary for the remainder of this interview.

'''G-Money''': Oh, hey look Alex. Look, look who it is.

'''A-Train''': {sigh}

'''Derek''': Officer Steve the Pipesmen have received new funding from the town of Nsburg and you've just completed a new project. Please tell us about it.

'''Steve''': Well, that's correct Derek. You see we have a new courier service in town because, well, as you know ordinarily it takes about two to three days to get anything across this town because no one knows what the traffic is.

'''Derek''': And according to the pamphlet I found on your website; it's a new innovation, the likes of which we've never seen before.

'''Steve''': Absolutely. We've rustled around inside of Mother Nature's petticoats and managed to pick out something absolutely phenomenal. We've harnessed the power of the vacuum.

'''Derek''': Why? Lots of things suck where they are.

'''A-Train''': Derek, you don't got to say it.

'''Steve''': Yes, things suck where they are. Which is why we've decided to put the entire city in motion. At least the portions of the city that are no larger than 3 inches in diameter. We've created a series of pneumatic tubes to transport messages and various sundries from anywhere in the city to anywhere else.

'''Derek''': That's amazing Officer Steve. Are they invisible tubes like the internet?

'''Steve''': Oh my boy, if they were invisible how would you find one to place a message in?

'''Derek''': I mean, normally I just pull out my phone. But does that mean that there's actual tubes just sticking out of the ground, like, flying all over the place here in Nsburg? Coz I haven't seen a single one.

'''Steve''': We've been building our series of pneumatic tubes in a network of tunnels underneath the city. Turns out there's easy access to just about every home in this particular burough.

'''A-Train''': You've discussed this with Miss Brentmoore, right?

'''Steve''': Why absolutely. She was our first installation. Copper-Steve, I am confused and therefore begins the series of hard-hitting questions.

'''Derek''': Question the first, how did you build this series of tubs without permits in the first place?

'''Steve''': Oh, we've gotten in at the Town Hall. It, uh, really greases the rails if you, uh, know what I'm saying.

'''Derek''': So, wait, the tubes run on rails?

'''G-Money''': That's not the right hard-hitting question Derek.

'''A-Train''': Are we the only ones who caught the glaring corruption at the Town Hall?

'''Steve''': Well, it's not corruption if it's approved by the mayor. And anyway, the, uh, end point and entry point receptacles have been installed in all the finer homes of Nsburg.

'''Derek''': Wait, there's one of these in my house already? Cool! Where can I find it?

'''Steve''': Well, young boy and gentle listener at home, if you, uh, find the point in your house it's farthest from sea level, you can find the ingress and egress port. Er, for some of you this may mean checking several crannies or, depending on where you're from, nooks.

'''G-Money''': I'm sorry, Officer Steve, are you saying that you have surprise installed pneumatic tubes in everyone's home?

'''Steve''': And most of the family-owned businesses.

'''A-Train''': Okay, I understand Dick trying to ram his stupid railway through, but what's this vacuum network for?

'''Steve''': Have you ever tried to send a raccoon egg through the mail? You can't trust those clowns to get it there intact.

'''A-Train''': I beg your pardon.

'''Derek''': Guys, you're hijacking my interview again. I'm supposed to be asking those questions.

'''G-money and A-Train''': Yes, you are.

'''Steve''': The Secret Pipesmen just wanted to give something back to the community. And explain why everyone's going to see a rather large increase on their property taxes this year. Would you like a demo?

'''Derek''': Well, I don't have any more hard hitting questions, but I do have these three Chuffield Cream Donuts.

'''G-Money''': Wait, you've installed one of these tubes at the radio station?

'''A-Train''': You did not ask us permission.

'''G-Money''': More importantly you didn't ask Joan, who, uh, wa-wan-wants them donuts, I guess.

'''A-Train''': I don't think that's why her light's on.

'''G-Money''': It's hard to interpret sometimes.

'''Derek''': I should teach her Morse code. It's all part of being a good Burg Scout. Anyway cream in the hole.

''{Sound effect: thump thump thump}''

'''A-Train''': Wait, where's our end?

'''G-Money''': Everyone, look around for a 3-inch tube.

''{Sound effect: thump thump thump}''

'''Michael O'Leary''': Huh, it must be my lucky day. Complimentary donuts from this complimentary hole in my wall.

'''Steve''': There, you see. Delivered safe and unmolested. The algorithm works.

'''Derek''': Well, there you have it gentle listeners. Just like Michael O'Leary, you too can get free donuts out of the pneumatic new Pipesmen pipes in your wall.

'''G-Money''': Well, um, goodbye Derek and goodbye Officer Steve.

'''Steve''': I'll see myself out.

'''A-Train''': You're not going to see anything with that bag over your head.

'''Steve''': I must protect the secret identities of my brethren from the prying eyes of your untiled waiting area.

''{Graphic: Qwerpline}''

'''G-Money''': Why? It's only over Monty Kone out there. And he's just waiting for one of the vending machines to pay out. Anyway, Bye. And speaking of long bets, we go now to traffic with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

''{Graphic: Traffic}''

''{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}''

'''Richter Hammockslam''': Well, about 30 minutes ago things started to get really slow Graham.

'''G-Money''': Where-whereabouts? Like, in what part of town?

'''Richter''': Just about everywhere at this point, but mainly my digestive tract. I think it might have been something I ate but I can't be sure.

'''G-Money''': Ah. God, you know Alex, for like a moment-for like a moment there I thought...

'''A-Train''': I know.

'''G-Money''': Yeah, yeah. Sorry what's going on Richter?

'''Richter''': Well there could have been many vectors to this problem, Graham, most of which I'm astoundingly able visualize, if not properly vocalize. But I will try. Let's talk about x² equaling yz to the third. And maybe let's do a Lambda function, I don't know. By the way, who's birthday was it today?

'''A-Train''': Who needs drugs when you have the traffic report.

'''G-Money''': I don't think... it was anyone's birthday Richter.

'''Richter''': Well that explains why there were so many brownies left over before I went up in the air this morning. Hey, what time is it? I've got so many clocks up here and they're all arguing this one's stuck at 11:68 for the past 5 minutes since I leveled off which means I'm getting mad overtime.

'''A-Train''': Haha. I'm just getting mad.

'''Richter''': Are you getting hungry? I'm getting hungry. I'm going to order, like, a dozen donuts.

'''G-Money''': Can we interest you in a Heathston pine?

'''Richter''': No thank you, I do not like the Turpines.

'''A-Train''': I bet you don't.

'''Richter''': Oh man, though, how am I going to get the donuts when they arrive? I could pick it up with the helicopter, but then I wouldn't be here when the donuts arrive. ''{long silence}'' I figured it out: I can leave the qwpoter here, where it is, go down pick up the donuts, enjoy those sweet, sweet holes under the sublime swish of the rotor wash, and then I might need a hand getting back up, though, as I become keenly aware of my own. And I may need a few minutes confirm that the number of digits I'm seeing is indeed the correct amount. Fascinating. It's me, back to you.

''{Graphic: Qwerpline}''

'''G-Money''': I, uh, thank-thank you, uh, Richter, um. So I guess we-Alex why you stabbing yourself with a pencil?

'''A-Train''': Just checking on something important.

'''G-Money''': Okay. We should call...

'''A-Train''': The National Guard?

'''G-Money''': Yes.

'''A-Train''': Wait, the Girl Scouts are closer and they have AA capability, right?

'''G-Money''': They do! Gus, can you get Julesburg Airport on the phone.

''{Sound effect: trumpeting}''

'''A-Train''': And our insurance agent.

'''G-Money''': But not necessarily in that order.

''{Sound effect: goying}''

'''G-Money''': Cool. I hope that means "yes". So, while we attempt to... extract Richter... from himself, It's the Arts with Edith Slump. Hello Edith.

''{Graphic: It's the Arts!}''

''{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}''

'''Edith Slump''': Hello Graham, hello Alex. As you can see I'm absolutely delighted to be here. We have famed Swedish furniture designer, Scoot Yaksoon, here in the studio.

'''A-Train''': That's great Edith. You love those little desk, you know, that tiny pointy legs, right?

'''Edith''': Well, yes Alex, I am a passionate collector of mid-century modern furniture, thank you for noticing. Now Scoot, please tell us about your latest collection.

''{Graphic change: Scott Jackson Fine Furniture}''

''{Caption added: Scott Jackson - Furniture Desgner}''

'''Scott Jackson''': Thank you for having me Edith, it's a pleasure to be here on QWRP. Before we get into discussing anything of my work, I do want to briefly issue a correction if I can. My name is in fact {different voice} Scott Jackson.

'''Edith''': Oh my gosh, my apologies.

'''Scott''': It is confusing, I admit. A little bit about me I was originally born in {different voice} Flin Flon, Manitoba, {original voice} but my parents moved to Malmo when I was three, which is where I discovered my true passion.

'''Edith''': Uh, the warm sensual experience of natural wood combined with the strictness and restraint of minimalist design. Mid-century Modern Furniture.

'''Scott''': No, fly fishing.

''{Silence}''

'''A-Train''': ''{whispering}'' Edith! Dead air!

'''Edith''': Most fans of mid-century modern design would know you as the creator of the infamous Hughbith chair made with flowing organic curves and five tapered pedestal legs.

'''Scott''': Ya. And I made it collapsible so I could always bring it to the riverbank.

'''Edith''': Multi-purpose design, very practical. Of course local listeners might know that Scoot was, of course, the designer of the Scraat wardrobe that I think half of us had at our college dorms because they were on sale at Yisk all the time.

'''Scott''': I designed it to drain my waders.

'''Edith''': Okay, I can work with this. So {different voice} Scott {original voice} most of us know the Papa-papa as a unique and attractive toilet with a mesmerizing flush, but please tell us what fish thing it's supposed to be about.

'''Scott''': Certainly. I patterned it after how a largemouth bass strikes my popper lures. The boil is natural and intense.

'''Edith''': And so am I. So please tell the QWRP listeners about your latest piece {different voice} Doug. {original voice} It's a playful credenza with unnecessary levels of delightful nail-free joinery, which to be honest makes it very challenging to assemble from flatpack.

'''Scott''': Ah, yes, Doug. I named it after my father who is also playful, very challenging.

'''Edith''': Dang that's a mood. {different voice} Scott, {original voice} I have to be honest I had no idea you were so into fish.

'''Scott''': Well, that's the whole reason I'm here in Nsburg: to fish the famous Shaughnessy River.

'''A-Train''': Don't you mean infamous?

''{Graphic change: It's the Arts!}''

'''Edith''': Oh my gosh, what an incredible coincidence. I also love fishing.

'''A-Train''': Edith, I thought you hated the outdoors. You won't step outside without a two daiquiri minimum.

'''Edith''': I'll have you know daquaries make excellent bug repellent Alex. Besides Scott and I have things in common aside for our mutual and passionate love of fishing, which you know about and have always known about. We also both love alcohol. We actually met at the Town Hall over a few drinks and really connected.

'''Scott''': Ya, that is when I agreed to do the interview.

'''A-Train''': Why are you so excited to fish this river?

'''Scott''': I'm glad you asked, it's actually fascinating. The fish you extract from the Shaughnessy River do not need to be sent to a taxidermist. They're already pumped so full of preservatives all you need is a plank of finished oak and a Robertson screwdriver.

'''A-Train''': Why specifically a Robertson screwdriver?

'''Scott''': The Canadians were very forward thinking in their design of wood fasteners. I believe it is a part of their heritage.

'''Edith''': How fascinating. Why don't you tell me more as we enjoy a supper of fresh fish caught on the banks of the beautiful, romantic Shaughnessy River.

'''Scott''': Oh, you shouldn't eat anything that comes out of this River, it's full of gallium. When you flick a fly the liquid metal sparkles in the sunlight.

'''Edith''': Have you considered fish fishing in either of Nsburg's attractive Lakes Anesh?

'''Scott''': Oh, my guide book only mentioned the one, but if you wish to join me I have a second pair of waders.

'''Edith''': Oh {different voice} Scott {original voice} with me as your guide you will experience all of Nsburg's wetest pleasures.

'''Scott''': I'll have to drain some more waders.

'''A-Train''': Edith, can I get you a drink? You seem a little thirsty to be on the radio.

''{Graphic: Qwerpline}''

'''G-Money''': Why hasn't Joan hit the light yet?

'''Michael O'Leary''': She came downstairs, kicked me out of my house, and said she was taking a three donut break.

'''G-Money''': How she do that without us seeing her?

'''Michael''': She moves through shadows Graham. That's why she's always on the other side of that light.

'''G-Money''': Great. Well, when we come back the annual Corn-u-Copolla Film Festival is kicking off this year with a screening of The Maze Runner series.

''{Graphic: Corn-u-Copolla Film Festival}''

'''A-Train''': Shouldn't they show The Godfather?

'''G-Money''': No, it's traditionally a festival of corny movies, so they got to fit the theme.

'''A-Train''': Oh, so like Children of the Corn, Field of Dreams...

'''G-Money''': Yeah, but they're really running low on material. For example: Thursday night will be a screening of 1943s The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp.

'''A-Train''': Oh, that explains why they're also running a documentary of Nikita Khrushchev. His corn experiment was at most a minor part of him running the union.

'''G-Money''': Yeah. And it looks like they're even running some... adult fair. Uh, so look forward to the after midnight showing of Country Girls Make Do 7.

'''A-Train''': Ha! Gross.

''{Graphic: Qwerpline}''

'''G-Money''': And come on down to Roast Steakhouse, where piping hot cuts of prime AAA beef come serving with the most savage insults the servers can sling. Try the New York Rip, a 12oz pepper crust topped with Manhattan-style chides.

'''A-Train''': Chides, huh? Not chives?

'''G-Money''': No, they're they're really into their stick. Uh, kids eat free if they don't cry. Roast Steakhouse: where your basic ass is the main course.

'''A-Train''': I miss the light.

'''G-Money''': Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.

'''Announcer''': You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

''{Graphic: Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti}''

'''Announcer''': ...Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti. From Huffer Pharma chemicals, it's a fun, festive way to empty your sinuses. Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti: like stuffing your nose with a Bouncing Betty.