Dinosaurs Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Dinosaurs

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, this week brought to you by Dinosaurs! I'm cold, so I'm wearing a sweater. Joining me this week is a hoodiesaurus rex,

Jer: {WEARING GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} Eh, it was too good not to use again.

Graham: And a derp-a-dile.

Paul: {WEARING PAPER MACHE ALLIGATOR HAT} I prefer derpasaurus rex.

Graham: And this week, the three of us will be pulling ourselves from the primordial ooze!

{TITLE: CRAWL OUT OF THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE/NEWS}

Graham: Retailers are complaining that an import tariff on costumes has made the same Halloween costume cost up to three times as much in Canada as its identical counterpart in the states, BUT! The government says that that will be fixed next year.

Paul: This actually explains a lot. I saw some women walking around on Halloween that obviously could not afford complete costumes anymore.

{THINKING} Come to think of it, I propose that raise these import tariffs.

Jer: {WEARING WHITE TRILBY ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} Just maybe don't audit people who already have costumes. That's uh... that would be bad.

Paul: {SHEILDING COSTUME RACK FULL OF COSTUMES FROM CAMERA} Nothing to see here!!! Nothing, just ordinary clothing!

Graham: In Utah, a flat bed truck hit a concrete barrier, flipped over, and unleashed its cargo: approximately twenty-million bees.

Paul: Aw man, that is terrible. I... I cannot think of any worse cargo to get into an accident with.

Jer: Like.. a nuclear warhead wouldn't go off. So... maybe nuclear waste?

Paul: Yeah, but that would be kind of confined to one area, right? I mean, I'm thinking like, anthrax? But... anthrax doesn't go and form hives to make more anthrax by itself. So that's still not really that bad.

Jer: But if you're allergic to anthra- OH! Africanized bees!

Paul: Ooh, how about those freaky big Japanese wasps!

Jer: Africanized Japanese wasps!

Paul: I don't think that actually exists yet, but... you've pretty much written the next big horror movie. {SHUDDERS}

Jer: John Carpenter's African Wasps of Japan! {TURNS TO CAMERA, POINTS} COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!

Graham: Some police in Oregon who had been called to a domestic disturbance were pleasantly surprised to find that the gentleman, I use the term ironically, who had been threatening his relatives and then barricaded himself in the attic, fell through the ceiling and into their custody.

Jer: {WEARING PIRATE HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} I'm noticing a serious lack of dinosaurs in this "dinosaur episode," was there a dinosaur there?

Paul: You'd better do what he says, pirate dinosaurs are the worst kind! They have all the power of dinosaurs but none of the morals!

Graham: Oh, yeah. Totally. One, one of the cops was a dinosaur. And... there was one living next door.

Jer: {WEARING PIRATE HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} Well that makes me happy, 'cause, you know, he had something to eat! Being, you know, a criminal. Fell through the roof, and all the other police. And the family.

Paul: So basically an abusive relative is probably the least of their worries at this point.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: {WEARING PIRATE HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} When they have a dinosaur next door! {MIMES CHOMPING MOUTH WITH ARMS TOWARD PAUL} Rawr rawr rawr!

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: Aaaaaugh! {COWERS}

Graham: In New York, an eighty year old... dinosaur went out to get his morning's... dinosaur paper, and fell into a two and a half meter sinkhole in his front lawn.

Jer: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} At least we know if he did it naked that he would be very well preserved.

Paul: This isn't a tar pit, it's just a hole.

Jer: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} Lotta good dinosaurs went that way though.

Graham: The fire department rescued him and he's fine, and he's back... eating other smaller... New York dinosaurs. Uh, but the blame for the sinkhole is that the site was an old well or a cesspool that opened up after the recent wet snowy weather in the state.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND JER, JER IS WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE}

Jer: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} {POINTING AT PAUL} OK Paul, I need to know right now: tar pit, or cesspool. Your choice.

Paul: Fffff... gonna go with tar pit, I think.

Jer: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} {NODS}

Paul: So, the question is, if you were forced to fall into a cesspool for some reason, would you prefer it to be you own cesspool? Or a cesspool, you know, filled by other people.

Jer: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} I... think I would prefer to wallow in my own filth.

Graham: Better the devil you know, I think, in this case.

Paul: Ooh, OK, what if you knew that you were going to fall into the cesspool, in like a week. And you knew exactly when. So you could like, eat appropriately to try and, you know, make your chances a little better.

Graham: Just nothing but like, lemon flavoured yogurt for like, a week.

Paul: I think Mythbusters needs to investigate this.

Graham: {WEARING YELLOW-WHITE COLLARED SHIRT, BLUE BERET, AND BLONDE MOUSTACHE, A LA JAMIE} {ARMS CROSSED, POUTS} Nope.

Graham: A French boat race...ing dinosaur fell off her boat while preparing to take a pee, and was rescued by... calling her mom on her mobile phone.

Jer: What kind of dinosaur was she?

Graham: Oh goddammit. Uh... plesiosaur? They went underwater, right?

Jer: But... if she was an underwater dinosaur, she wouldn't need to be rescued.

Paul: Also, they have flippers. How is she gonna use a cellphone? THINK!

Graham: Ah, shit. Um... an ankylosaurus? I-it, it could use its tail, comprised of several large osteoderms to work the tiller.

Paul: I'm pretty sure an ankylosaurus would sink like a rock. 'Cause it basically is a rock.

Graham: Alright, she was... a diplodocus. I guess. I don't even remember what that one is.

Jer: Those might not even have existed.

Paul: {SIGHS} Look, Graham, if you didn't want to do an episode about dinosaurs, you could have just said so.

Graham: {SHAKES HEAD} Fuck you guys. {GETS UP, LEAVES}

Paul: Huh. Well, uh, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS FRED THE SKULL ON HEAD} this hat.

{CAMERA PANS OUT TO BOTH PAUL AND JER; JER IS WEARING CHICKEN HAT ON TOP OF BEAR HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE}

Jer: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT ON TOP OF BEAR HAT ON TOP OF GRAY TOOTHED MONSTER HOODIE} That's not a hat.

Paul: {WEARING FRED THE SKULL HAT ON HEAD} Shut up it totally is.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Jer: Well, there's only one thing to do now. {PULLS OUT PACK OF DnD ACTION CARDS, OPENS IT}

{RIFILING THROUGH CARDS, PULLS ONE OUT} Inconceivable failure.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: It seems very appropriate for this circumstance.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: Especially since you're not gonna survive it. {PULLS UP MONSTER HOODIE, LUNGES AT PAUL}

Paul: {OFFSCREEN} {SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL}