Stuffed Snake Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Stuffed Snake

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham:: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're getting in touch with our inner animal. I'm a Prinny, joining me this week is a Chocobo,

Kate: WARK!

Graham:: And a nug.

Tally: {WEARING NUG EARS} My name is Schwooples!

Graham:: And we all need foods.

{WEIRD TITLES: WE ALL NEEDS SOME FOODS/NEWS (SUBTITLE: (THE NORMAL TITLES FAILED SOMEHOW EDITION))}

Graham:: Despite all branches of the British government being told to reign in spending, the British Foreign Office just spent ten thousand pounds to re-stuff a hundred and twenty year-old snake. It- the snake is taxidermy, if that wasn't clear.

Tally: So the British foreign office belongs to Slytherin house.

Kate: You'd think they could deal with a slightly deflated snake for just a little while. You know, until the stock market comes back up?

Tally: A slightly deflated snake is actually the best kind, because as it keeps on deflating, it goes "Sssssssssssssssss"

{PAN TO KATE, WHO IS FACEPALMING}

Graham:: A spokesman for the foreign office said {READING FROM IPAD} "it is quite a bit of money, but he is quite a big snake."

He continues to say {READING FROM IPAD} and you can't tell me this wasn't intentional, "we will not be CONSTRICTED, nor will we SCALE back in our dedication to preserve this historic national treasure.

Tally: OK that's fantastic, I wanna go work in that office now.

Kate: That's just the diplomatic equivalent of them going {BLOWS RASPBERRY AND FLIPS THE DOUBLE DEUCE EVERYWHERE}

Graham:: If drive a Porsche, or Porsch-ah, in the Netherlands, or Dutch...land?, then you should watch out for thieves who are trying to steal your headlights because they're especially good at growing pot.

Kate: ...go on....

Graham:: The high-intensity xenon headlights are apparently just really really good at hydroponics, but at seven hundred dollars a pop to just buy them, people are just stealing them from Porsches. Porsches? Porsch... Porschas. {SHAKES HEAD} Damn you Top Gear.

Tally: So how did they figure this out? 'Cause some pot dealer presumably either was just stealin' car headlights left and right because why not, or actually had enough money to buy a Porsche.

Kate: Tally, it is the Netherlands, so it is legal there.

Tally: That means it was on a pintrest board! So some mom, some housewife doing her DIY thing pintrested the fact that porsche headlights were great for this, and there you go.

Kate: I believe it's called Pot-trist.

Pot-tratrist...

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} Pot roast?

Graham:: {OFFSCREEN} Pot-ter-ist.

Kate: Pot-ter-ist.

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} I'm hungry again dammit!

Graham:: {OFFSCREEN} Pot-ter-ist!

Kate: Pot-ter-ist?

I believe it's called Pot-terist. Nope. Pot-terrr-ist. Pot-terr-ist. Three syllables.

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} Laughing.

Kate: ...once more.

I believe it's called Pot-ter-ist?

Graham:: A recent study indicates that smarter children drink more later in life.

Kate: I must have been... a fucking child genius.

Graham:: My theory is, the smart people realize what's going on around them and need to drink more to forget it, whereas the dumb people are just cool with it.

My favourite part about this study is because it was conducted by the UK, they range the intelligence of the children from very bright to very dull.

Tally: Well, yeah, because the less soaked in alcohol they are, the less well they light up if you strike a match against them.

Kate: Tally, are you condoning that we set children on fire? Because I'm thinking you were one of those bright children.

Tally: My flame burned very bright.

Graham:: Well the final numbers are in. It seems that last month's hurricane Sandy may have actually saved lives. Statistically, in that in areas affected, homicide was down eighty-six percent.

{SHOT OF KATE WEARING A RED AND BLUE BASEBALL CAP TURNED SIDEWAYS, AND BRANDISHING A PISTOL IN EACH HAND. A GREEN GRASS SKIRT WAVES IN HER FACE NOISILY, SIMULATING A STORM}

Kate: {WEARING RED AND BLUE BASEBALL CAP, BRANDISHING A PISTOL IN EACH HAND} MAN! I... Uh, screw it, I'm goin' home! {PUTS DOWN GUNS} {LOOKS UP AT GREEN GRASS SKIRT} Hurricane...

Graham:: The part that gets me is that fourteen percent of reported murderers looked out the window and were like, "It's good murderin' weather!"

Tally: Maybe they just got bored, you know? All their electronics were down, nothin' to do, they were like "oh, look, there's a piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, I think I'll just go smack someone."

Kate: It's important, in case of power outage, to make your own fun.

Fact.

Graham:: A Utah woman who was arrested on possession of drugs was found to have drugs, specifically a three-and-a-half inch by one inch meth crystal in her lady's special hiding place. {BEAT} {LAUGHS}

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} How big...

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} They're very absorbent, you know.

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} How big again?!

Graham:: I'm talking about the vagina.

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Eeww...

Graham:: Three-and-a-half inches by one inch.

Kate: {WEARING BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} Shoving a crystal up your cooch doesn't make sense. But on meth, it does.

Graham:: This is after finding a baggie of cocaine in her mouth.

Kate: {WEARING BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} Did they check her bum? Or did they just give up? They were like, {POINTING TO MOUTH} "cocaine," {POINTING TO CROTCH} "crystal meth, eh, two out of three ain't bad."

Tally: Well, just so long as you're making good use of every orifice available.

Codene in each ear, stuff 'em in there.

Kate: {WEARING BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} Couple Xanax up the nostrils...

Tally: No, Xanax up one nostril, oxycodone up the other.

Kate: {WEARING BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} Oh! I've been doing it wrong this whole time! {PUTS HANDS ON HEAD} No!

Graham:: She was arrested for possessing a distributable amount of methamphetamine. Though I don't know how you're going to distribute that.

{SHOT OF TALLY AND KATE ON THE COUCH. TALLY IS WEARING A LONG RED WIG. KATE IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER CAP AND BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP AND BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} Ma'am, do you have anything to declare?

Tally: {WEARING LONG RED WIG} {SPEAKING WITH HER MOUTH CLOSED} No officer, {MUMBLE MUMBLE}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP AND BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES} {POINTS GUN AT HER OWN MOUTH, THEN AT TALLY'S} Do you have something in your mouth?

Tally: {WEARING LONG RED WIG} {SPEAKING WITH HER MOUTH CLOSED} Noo.... {MUMBLE MUMBLE} {SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HER SEAT}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP AND BIG BLACK FRAME GLASSES AND NOW BRANDISHING THE GUN CASUALLY} {LOOKS TOWARD TALLY'S LAP, FROWNS} ...guys, bring in the dogs.

Graham:: That dog has a weird job. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON DARTH VADER EARFLAP HAT} this hat. Which just looks like a normal winter hat, except that it's subtly DARTH VADER. {LAUGHS MANIACALLY} That's not Darth Vader. Who is that? That's like... Emperor Ming. {IN COMICAL VILLAIN VOICE} Nyeh! Bring me Flash Gordon! {LAUGHS MANIACALLY, STROKES EARFLAPS} {IN NORMAL VOICE} I... I'm bad at this.

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} I can't believe I'm related to you.

Graham:: {WEARING DARTH VADER EARFLAP HAT} I... {SUDDENLY CONFUSED} we're related?!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham:: This is after finding a baggie of COcaine. {BEAT} {IN WEIRD ANNOUNCER VOICE} Cocaine. I sell...

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Cocaaaaaaaaine!

Graham:: {IN DEMURE VOICE} I sell cocaine. And cocaine accessories.