Tigers and Sheep Transcript

Trascript for Feed Dump- Tigers and Sheep

{FEED DUMP INTRO}

Graham: Good day, and welcome to Feed Dump, where all the worthwhile news is thrown out with the trash. I'm Graham

{SUBTITLE: GRAHAM, Lord Chancellor of the Exterior}

Graham: Joining me this week, Paul

Paul: Hi!

{SUBTITLE: PAUL, Archduke of the Interior}

Graham: and Matt

Matt: Hello!

{SUBTITLE: MATT, Prime Minister of All the Bits in Between}

Graham: So let's get to our nudes.

{TITLE: And now, the NUDES/NEWS}

Graham: And now, a delightful story from New Zealand, where a man tried to escape police custody in a hospital by getting naked and hiding in the ceiling.

Matt: Finally, a story from New Zealand involving nudity, but not a sheep.

Paul: We don't know what he was being arrested for. Also, he was naked in the ceiling of the hospital and we don't know what he had with him.

Graham: I tell you what we do know, that it took a seven hour manhunt, a fire brigade, and a specialist search team with thermal imaging equipment to find him in the ceiling just a little bit over from where he initially crawled in.

Matt: THAT is the makings of a porn movie right there.

Graham: {WEARING SAFETY GOGGLES, HOLDING PLASTIC GUN-TOY} {SEXILY} Hey baby, do you need anything thermally imaged?

{OFFSCREEN: Matt: Bow chicka-wow-wow}

Graham: {WEARING SAFETY GOGGLES, HOLDING PLASTIC GUN-TOY} {SEXILY} So I understand you need me to crawl up in your ceiling?

{OFFSCREEN: Matt: Bow chicka-wow-wow}

Graham: {WEARING SAFETY GOGGLES, HOLDING PLASTIC GUN-TOY} {SEXILY} Well since he's gone missing, I guess there's an opening for a naked man.

{OFFSCREEN: Matt: Bow chicka-wow-wow}

Graham: {WEARING SAFETY GOGGLES, HOLDING PLASTIC GUN-TOY} {SEXILY} I'll give you a seven hour manhunt. {LAUGHS}

{OFFSCREEN: LAUGHTER}

Graham: The police in Southhampton- bleh

The Southhampton, er-

Er eh-

To eh-

Bleh-

BLEEEGH-

Fuck

The city police of Southhampton England scrambled their helicopters and got their tranquilizer guns ready after the report of an escaped white albino tiger. Upon further inspection, it was a life sized stuffed toy. They maybe could have guessed that because, how many white albino tigers are there in England, I mean, really.

Paul: I don't think I'd be a very good animal control guy, because, when I hear that there's a white albino tiger escaped on the golf course, my first question is, where did it escape from, and are there more white albino tigers there that we should worry about?

Graham: The toy is now being treated by the police as lost property, but I think the owner knows exactly where it is.

Paul: {WEARING GOLF HAT} Oh come on, I can't be asked to account for EVERY single one of my giant albino white tiger stuffed animals! I mean, they could be anywhere!

Graham: Four people were hospitalized, and presumably the nation of Italy embarrassed, when a dispute over the thickness of supermarket ham slices turned violence.

Matt: {ANGRILY} I said a quarter of an inch, not two eighths, two eighths is too thick!

Paul: Alright alright, you know what, let's just compromise and do four sixteenths.

Graham: And more delightful wording from the free press: the shop assitant, the disgruntled ham shopper, and her husband, suffered bruises.

Matt: These are ALL porn scenarios!

Graham: {WEARING SAFETY GOGGLES} {SEXILY} Hey baby, I'm a disgruntled ham shopper!

{OFFSCREEN, Matt: Bow chicka wow wow} {GRAHAM LOOKS DISGUSTED}

Matt: {Wearing Safety goggles} {SEXILY} Don't worry baby, my ham ain't sliced too thick, it's juuust right!

{OFFSCREEN, Graham: Bow chicka wow-wow}

Paul: {POPS IN FROM RIGHT} Just, just to be clear, you're talking about your penis, right?

Matt: Y-yes.

Paul: OK good.

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} {CONTINUES SINGING BAD PORN MUSIC}

Graham: And now for a segment I'm improbably calling, Paul and Matt have to figure out what I'm talking about.

{TITLE: Matt and Paul Together: "Paul and Matt have to figure out what Graham is talking about!"}

Graham: A woman from New Kensington, Pennsylvania has to stand trial after being accused of feeding a food laced with Marijuana to a 12 year old. What food?

Matt: The obvious answer is brownies.

Paul: But that seems too obvious! Otherwise, we wouldn't have to do that whole jingle and everything.

Graham: Nope.

Paul: Cookies?

Graham: Also no.

Matt: Baklava?

Graham: {CONFUSED} No...?

Paul: Butter?

Graham: Aah-

Matt: Pot stickers?

Graham: That was terrible. It is in fact, margarine. Specifically, hidden in tubs of "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Paul: That was a pretty- like, I feel like Fabio would back me up that that was a pretty good guess.

Graham: {WEARING A BLOND WIG, WITH A FAN BLOWING HIS HAIR} {IN A FAKE GERMAN ACCENT} You're so right, Paul, I couldn't believe it wasn't butter either! {RUNS HAND THROUGH HAIR} {LOOKS AT CAMERA}

{BACK TO NORMAL} Now often in news stories they'll say something like, "So-and-so was unavailable for comment," or "so-and-so did not return our calls." I've never seen a story actually say "her home phone is disconnected." {LOOKS AT CAMERA DRAMATICALLY.}

So, that was the news we felt like dumping on you this week, until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have THIS hat! {PUTS ON BLUE FURRY HAT WITH WHITE FUZZ STRANDS}

Matt: {WEARING SAFETY GLASSES/PORN GLASSES} Hey baby, I'll dump on you.

{Graham, off screen: Bow chicka-wow-wow}

Matt: {WEARING SAFETY GLASSES} Wait.

Paul: {LOOKS DISGUSTED}

Graham: {STILL WEARING BLUE FURRY HAT WITH WHITE FUZZ STRANDS} You should probably just leave.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING BLOND WIG AND FACING THE FAN} That is maximum fan. It is on high, and it is barely moving my hair. Fabio must have had- 'cause he had that thing in his contract that he had to have a fan on his hair- they must have been industrial strength fans.

Paul: {OFFSCREEN} You need like a wind machine.

Graham: Yeah, wind machine. {LOOKS AT FAN} This is useless. It is cooling, though.