Ash-Bullets & Wow-Butter Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Ash-Bullets & Wow-Butter

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where frog blast the vent core. I'm Graham, and I'm vacuum molded. Joining me this week is Kathleen, who is lovingly hand-crafted,

Kathleen: I'm available on etsy!

Graham: And Alex, who's been milled from a CNC machine.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} I represent the industrial complex!

Graham: And to our Australian viewers, g'day, bruce!

{TITLE: G'DAY BRUCE/NEWS}

Graham: Do you like guns? Do you like firing guns? Do you like being fired _out_ of guns? Well, after you die, a couple game wardens from Alabama can now take your ashes and form them into ammunition.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} And here I thought Hunter S. Thompson was the only person to be into that.

Kathleen: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Martha... I just... I gotta kill something, even after I'm dead! Form my ashes into bullets so you can shoot woodland critters with them! Yeah!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} It does take a certain calibre of person to want to have this done posthumously.

Graham: Gonna be something in here that lets me kill for that. {OPENS PACK OF MAGIC ENCOUNTER CARDS}

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} BOOM! DEADSHOT!

Graham: Three interesting facts about this: the prices start at $850, a pound of ash can fill about 250 shotgun shells, and the company... is called Holy Smoke.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LAUGHING} No it's not!

Kathleen: Two hundred and fifty shells?! You could eradicate entire bloodlines of possums!

Graham: Playboy model and reality TV star Holly Madison has just had her breasts insured for a million dollars.

{READING FROM IPAD} If anything happened to my boobs, I'd be out for a few months. {LOOKS UP AT CAMERA, THEN READS AGAIN} And I'd probably be out a million dollars.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {IN TERRIBLE MAFIOSO ACCENT} You know, Holly... yah got a nice rack. Alls I'm saying is it'd be real terrible if somethin' were tah, you know, happen to it.

Kathleen: If something were to happen to my boobs, I would also be out for a few months due to massive tit-related trauma, but I'm not about to insure them for a million dollars.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} We're gonna bump off yah tits.

Kathleen: Look, look, Holly: I know this is the era of self esteem and we're all very pretty princesses, but rather than insuring your boobs for a million dollars, why don't you figure out a backup career that doesn't involve your tits?

Graham: A judge in Pennsylvania has ordered WalMart to pay up in a lawsuit after repeatedly overcharging a little old lady for sausages. She's been awarded eighty dollars to cover her court costs and a payout of one hundred dollars. Because she was overcharged by two cents. And took them to court.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {IN OLD PERSON ACCENT} I am so bored and old, and I just love lawsuits!

Kathleen: We should not make fun of this lady. Clearly, she is involved in a gigantic ridiculous Make-work project. Somebody has to keep all those civil litigation lawyers in business during the recession.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} So she's a humanitarian.

Kathleen: Won't somebody please think of the lawyers?!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} ...naaah.

Graham: WalMart is considering its options.

Kathleen: It's a hundred dollars!?

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} To be fair, if WalMart settles with this one, they're gonna set a precedent for frivolous lawsuits worth a hundred bucks a pop. They're gonna have people lining up around the block to sue them.

And I've seen the kind of people who go to WalMart. They would sue. For anything.

Kathleen: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just bring logic into Feed Dump?!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LOOKS SIDE TO SIDE SHIFTILY}

Kathleen: {WEARING REF SHIRT} Yeah, I'm gonna have to call a {HOLDS UP CARD} Yellow Card on that, Alex.

{PANS TO ALEX, WHO TAKES CARD}

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {READING CARD} Tremendous shove?!

Graham: And now, let's see what the Dump Truck has brought us.

{TITLE: DUMP TRUCK. NARRATION: IT'S THE DUMP TRUCK, AND IT DUMPS STUFF RIGHT ON TO OUR FACES}

Graham: I was walking through the grocery store the other day, and I saw something that made me laugh.

{READING} Safe for school Wow Butter. A peanut butter replacement!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} The last time I saw Wow Butter was in a very interesting store on Church Street in Toronto.

Kathleen: Now before you're like, "great, I'll purchase that to take to school 'cause it's safe for kids," in that case Wow butter is a euphemism for a terrible street drug.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} I was... more going for like, anal lube.

Kathleen: That is still technically safe for schools but don't bring it.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LAUGHING}

Kathleen: You could be {LAUGHING} using it to lubricate a variety of things. {LOSES IT}

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY}

Kathleen: {LAUGHING} Don't you have any creativity, I'm sure there's sticky gears or something you could grease!

{PAN TO ALEX}

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LAUGHING} It's so ethical, the band wet... BILLY I GOTTA... I GOTTA UNSTICK YOUR GEARS, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

Kathleen: Hinges! Clocks! Science equipment! Lots of things need a good lubricant!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} {LAUGHING} Jesus Christ!

Graham: {HOLDING UP JAR} The kids on the jar are exclaiming, "Wow! Tastes just like peanut butter!" And the rest of the sentence, I'm assuming, is, "why can't we just have that?"... oh it's gluten free!

I know there's allergies and stuff, but come on.

{TRIES TO OPEN JAR} Some sort of force field. {POKES AT IT}

{WITH JAR OPEN} It smells curiously like peanut butter, that's the part that sort of worries me.

Kathleen: So it smells just like peanut butter. What if it is just peanut butter, and the manufacturers are just like, "ha ha, screw you, peanut allergy kids!" {RAPIDLY GIVES THE DOUBLE DEUCE} "We'll breed you out eventually."

Graham: {TAKES A SPOONFUL} {PAUSE} No. {PAUSE} It's not bad. Like it's not awful. But these children are lying. It does not taste just like peanut butter. That is a flagrant lie. {READING JAR} And they have the trade- they- "Wow tastes just like peanut butter exclamation mark" is TRADEMARKED! They've trademarked a LIE!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} OK Graham, Wow me.

{TASTING A SPOONFUL} {CHEWS} {PUSHES SPOON AWAY FROM HIS MOUTH} {SPOON COMES BACK TO HIS MOUTH} {PUSHES IT AWAY}

{WITH SPOON ON NOSE} Tastes like assbutts!

Kathleen: {READING JAR} Toasted soy, soy oil, sugar, uh... vegetable oil, and salt. So, it's basically soy and some food colouring.

{TAKES A SPOONFUL} Now I'm a big fan of soy, I like soy in all its forms. So, I'm gonna give this a try. {EATS SPOONFUL} You know what this tastes like? Soy.

Although could you imagine making peanut butter cookies out of this shit?! And freaking people out because they would taste awful?!

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} I'm certain there’s better ways to deek people out than troll baking.

Kathleen: Hm... no, I'm prepared to go that far.

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} Kathleen De Vere: Culinary Saboteur.

Kathleen: {WAVES FINGERS AROUND LIKE GUNS}

Graham: Remind me never to eat your baking again Kathleen. {PUTS ON MASK BOTTOM JAW} So that's Feed Dump, and until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have... {PUTS ON TOP OF RAPTOR MASK} this hat! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out what to do with most of a jar of Wow Butter. Also, RAWR! {Makes velociraptor claw arms}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Alex: {WEARING A TOP HAT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD} Engage maximum jaunt! {MOVES TOP HAT TO SIDE OF HEAD}