Penalty Calls Transcript

Transcript- Feed Dump- Penalty Calls

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, all the news at half the calories. I'm bounty-hunter Graham Stark, joining me this week: bounty-user Alex Stacey

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, HOLDING BLACK SUITCASE} Have you seen the manual for this?

Graham: And bounty aficionado Matt Wiggins

Matt: {WEARING TOP HAT AND HOLDING MONOCLE, STROKING CHIN} Truly, Bounty ultra-soft is better than their extra-strong.

Graham: That man knows his paper towel. And now, a noose.

{TITLE: AND NOW A NOOSE/NEWS}

Graham: A man in Washington state was arrested when he burst into someone's apartment carrying a dead weasel. In response to the question, "why are you carrying a weasel," he asserted, "it's not a weasel, it's a marten," punched the man in the nose, and fled.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I think I want to process that for a little bit...

Matt: So we can expect him to martin his way out of assault charges?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, LOOKING AT MATT} What?!

Matt: Instead of weasel!

{PAN TO ALEX, LOOKING CONFUSED}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {MAKES ANGRY, DISGUSTED FACE}

Graham: Wikipedia tells me that a martin is part of the weasel family, so they were both right!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I put forward that this story is still wrong on several levels.

Graham: A state agency in New York has informed pet cemeteries they are no longer allowed to bury human remains next to their beloved pets.

Matt: I can't believe that even in this day in age we've got THIS level of segregation! Different cemetery for people and animals! Come on!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Well, they already have separate drinking fountains.

Matt: {WEARING REF JERSEY} {BLOWS WHISTLE} Off side!

Alex: AWW COME ON REF, USE YOUR EYES!

Alex: {SIMULTANIOUSLY WITH MATT} Come on, man, what the- you and me why- this is bullshit! You're doing that- you're doing that now- you're doing that to me?! This is bulls***!

Matt: {SIMULTANIOUSLY WITH ALEX FROM SIDE} What? You gotta problem with the f***ing {BLEEPED} call? That's enough of this! No! You're gone, man, you're gone! Hit the showers! Go! Hit the showers!

Graham: The European Union's highest court in Luxembourg has officially reprimanded France for not doing enough to care for the nation's hamsters.

{SHOT OF ALEX'S SPOT ON THE SOFA, WITH SUBTITLE "2:00 PENALTY: OFFSIDE"}

Graham: Oh, right. Matt?

Matt: Everybody in the EU has to take care of the hamsters each week. Last week it was Germany's turn, the week before that Spain did it just fine, but when the EU leadership came back after the weekend the hamsters were dead! Where was France?!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {COMES BACK TO SOFA} In the kitchen?

Matt: I don't think hamster is a French delicacy.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} ...yet?

Graham: The decades old rivalry has finally come to a head. Hairstylists are buying up so many feathers to put in people's hair because that's apparently in now, that fly fishermen have nothing to make their lures with.

Matt: Who would have thought such a style would... take flight.

Alex: {WEARING REF JERSEY} I don't know what the ruling is for terrible puns, but you're on your second warning. {POINTS AT MATT, POINTS AT EYES, POINTS AT MATT}

Graham: Chicken farmers are especially confused, because bundles of distinctive feathers known as "hackles" which they used to sell for sixty dollars, they're now selling for four HUNDRED dollars.

Matt: Man, they've really got their hackles up!

Alex: {WEARING REF JERSEY} Aaaand you're OUT!

{SHOT OF MATT'S SIDE OF THE SOFA, WITH SUBTITLE "2:00 PENALTY: POOR PUNSMANSHIP"}

Graham: If you find yourself at a loss for what to do this summer, trip adviser has a list of the top ten wackiest events in the US, number 2 of which is the "National Hollerin' Festival" which features conch shell blowing, a grease pole climb, and the classic game of cornhole.

Alex: {WEARING SALESMAN HAT} Step right up! Climb the grease-pole, then get yourself a cornholin'!

Matt: Cornholin', eh? No wonder they're hollerin' so much.

Alex: {WEARING SALESMAN HAT} Is the pole climbing how high, or how low you can go on it?

Matt: At least they're cornholin' with a greased pole...

Graham: {WEARING REF JERSEY} {LOOKS AT MATT, THEN AT ALEX}

{SHOT OF ENTIRE SOFA, BOTH MATT AND ALEX ARE GONE, WITH SUBTITLE "2:00 PENALTY: INNUENDON'TS"}

Graham: {WEARING REF JERSEY} I looked it up, it's throwing a bag filled with feed corn at a plank with a hole in it. It sounds incredibly dull.

{SHOT OF ENTIRE SOFA, BOTH MATT AND ALEX ARE GONE, WITH SUBTITLE "2:00 PENALTY: THEY'RE JUST GONE"}

Graham: {TAKING OFF REF JERSEY} Riiiight... right. Well, until next time, this has been Feed Dump, and there may be better sources for news, but they don't have... {PUTS ON WARRIOR HELMET WITH CHAIN MAIL NECK PROTECTOR} this hat! ...ow. Nearly took my ears off.

Alex: {WEARING VIKING HELMET WITH HORNS} Sissy!

Matt: {WEARING TOP HAT, HOLDING MONOCLE} Peasants!

Graham: {WEARING REF JERSEY AND WARRIOR HELMET} OUT!

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{SUBTITLE: BONUS STORY FROM LAST WEEK}

Graham: I don't know if this is considered low hanging fruit, but, a guy in England named his sixteen foot yacht the "Titanic II" and it sunk on its maiden voyage.

Paul: Did... did it hit an iceberg?

Graham: No, according to the story it just began taking on water and sank in the harbour.

Kathleen: That's so boring, though, I mean, that's like naming your blimp the Hindenburg II then having it crash because it gets a tiny puncture and slowly deflates.

Paul: If I had a boat called the Titanic II, I would just keep like an iceberg on board, so that if I do sink for any other reason, I can quickly throw it overboard and be like, "Oh look, I hit an iceberg!"

Kathleen: That requires the sort of forethought and planning that usually excludes calling your boat the Titanic II.