The Importance of Good Henchmen Transcript

Transcript for The Importance of Good Henchmen (Brought to you by Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas)

Transcript

{Caption: LoadingReadyRun Machinima Theatre presents: The Importance of Good Henchmen}

{We see the gang boss standing on a balcony overlooking the city. We hear the sound of a vehicle pulling up then the boss's lackey runs in holding a katana for some reason}

Lackey (Paul's voice): Sir, I got here as quickly as I could.

Boss (Graham's voice): That's excellent, I'm glad you're here. I'm afraid the authorities are on to us and are closing in as we speak. We must act quickly. Contact every field agent to prepare for a preemptive strike.

Lackey: Ah... every agent?

Boss: Yes, it's... that bad.

Lackey: Yeah, I- I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Boss: What's the problem?

Lackey: Well, I wouldn't call it a 'problem', more of a minor oopsie... or rather, a large series of minor oopsies.

Boss: Explain.

Lackey: Well... take Agent 37 for example.

Boss: Ah yes, Agent 37. Quite the thrill-seeker as I recall.

Lackey: You could say that.

{Scene suddenly changes to Agent 37 getting onto an ATV at the top of the ramp. He then drives off down the ramp and up towards where it ends at the edge of a cliff, not at a very fast speed. Then as he reaches the end of the ramp, he plummets down into the lake below. Scene cuts back to balcony}

Boss: I see. So he's...

Lackey: Yes.

Boss: And the ATV...?

Lackey: Yes.

Boss: Blast! He had the red one, it was my favorite. Well, at least we can count on Agent 74, he should have completed his helicopter training by now.

{Scene cuts again to show a helicopter being flown very badly by Agent 74, hitting buildings, cars and even pedestrians}

Agent 74 (Graham again) (every time he hits something) Terribly sorry. Sorry! Sorry. Sorry! Sorry 'bout that. Sor- So sorry. Terribly- I'm so- Oh, sorry. Sorry! Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

{Back to the balcony}

Lackey: He may have had to redo a few of his lessons.

Boss: What about Agent 61? He was working undercover as a roadie for a group of Elvis impersonators as I recall.

{Scene cuts to Agent 61 walking down the streets, followed by some people dressed and acting like Elvis. Back to the balcony}

Lackey: Well, he was doing fine... until word got out that he didn't like peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

{Cut back to Agent 61 who's now getting the crap punched out of him by the Elvis impersonators. Balcony again}

Boss: Well... Well, even without Agent 74 in the helicopter, with his paratrooper training, Agent 25 can still provide us with aerial support.

Lackey: Well, he could up til yesterday.

{Scene cuts to the top of a very tall skyscraper where Agent 25 is standing on the edge of the roof. Then he jumps off the roof and free-falls down to the ground but unfortunately he doesn't open his parachute and eventually he smacks into the pavement. Back to the balcony}

Boss: My God, Agent 25 dead too?!

Lackey: No, no, no, just in the hospital.

Boss: (sighs in relief) Oh well, thank goodness.

Lackey: Or he was, until we sent Agent 74 to pick him up.

Boss: In... the helicopter?

Lackey: In the helicopter. We figured he needed the practice.

{Scene cuts to Agent 74's helicopter taking off from the hospital parking lot and flying off in his usual terrible manner, hitting things as he goes}

Agent 74: Sorry! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. So- so- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

{Balcony}

Boss: What about... Agent 83? Surely he's not dead too.

Lackey: No, not dead. Uh, just not terribly useful.

{Scene cuts to a street where Agent 83 is running, dressed only in a boxing helmet, some underwear and running shoes}

Agent 83 (I think that's Graham's voice) ~I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I-~

{Balcony}

Lackey: He's been under a lot of pressure.

Boss: Well, what about... Agent 85?

Lackey: Well, uh, funny story there actually. Uh, an interesting chain of events. Remember the Christmas party? Uh, and you gave him the espresso maker.

Boss: I do indeed. That man loves his coffee.

Lackey: Remember how I gave him the DVD box-set of all the Friday the 13th movies?

Boss: ...I don't like where this is going.

{Scene cuts to Agent 85 emerging from a fog-bound, rain-swept lake, wearing a hockey mask and welding a chainsaw. He then attacks a lone passerby and takes him down. Back to balcony}

Boss: You know, I just can't help but feel... partially responsible.

Lackey: Well actually, I blame Agent 51. After all, he was the one who gave him the chainsaw.

Boss: Ah yeah, Agent 51. I know he won't let us down.

Lackey: Not unless he tried to outrun a train on his bicycle, that is.

Boss: Are you... speaking... hypothetically?

Lackey: No.

{Scene cuts to Agent 51 riding the tracks on his bicycle just ahead of a barreling freight train. He stays in front for quite some time but then the train catches up with him. Back to balcony}

Boss: So, is there no-one left?

Lackey: Well, there's Agent 32. Uh, he's probably alive.

Boss: You mean you don't know?

Lackey: Well, we had this big party last week, and he got pretty into the punch. No-one's seen him since.

{Scene cuts to a dumper truck balanced on the tip of a tall pinnacle in the middle of the desert}

Agent 32 (Graham): Hello? Hellooooooooo? Helloooooooooooo?

{Balcony}

Boss: (sighs) Alright, I guess there's only one option left.

Lackey: What?

Boss: Skip town!

Lackey: But sir-

Boss: Sorry, but I'm afraid that as the second-in-command, it's your job to go down with the ship.

Lackey: We're on a balcony.

Boss: I'm speaking metaphorically. (runs to a nearby motorcycle and climbs aboard) Besides, there's only room for one on this motorcycle and I- (the lackey climbs aboard after him and his katana disappears somehow) Okay, I see there is room for two. Is that nice?

Lackey: Yes sir.

{The boss then pops his bike into a wheely and ramps off the balcony towards the streets below}

Boss: Yeah, just, uh... keep your hands to yourself.