Bag Full of Bees Transcript

Transcript for Bag Full of Bees

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

{DURING KATHLEEN'S INTRO, A MESSAGE POPS UP: "MY MIKE WAS OFF AND MY AUDIO IS BAD THIS WEEK! SORRY EVERYONE! -KATHLEEN"}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump! Now, today is not a particularly scary time of year, but terror can strike at any time and that's why we...are...phobias! I am gephyrophobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Joining me this week is nyctopobia...

Serge: Shadows have nothing on my imagination.

Kathleen: And triskaidekaphobia.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, COUNTING MONEY} Eleven, twelve, thirtee...{TOSSES MONEY IN HORROR} SHIT!

Kathleen: {SINGING TUNELESSLY} And we're all up in your grill making your brain crazy. Do-do-do-do...irrational behavior...woo-woo-woo.

{TITLE: WOW. THAT WAS AWFUL. NO MORE SINGING. I PROMISE! (SUBTITLE: NO I DON'T)}

Kathleen: One problem with working in an office is sometimes your lunch just goes missing because your co-workers are assholes. Now, you can just put up notes and say, "Hey, don't take my lunch." Or you can play pranks like, "Hey, I licked all my food so if you ate my food you're eating my spit." OR you can be one Maryland man who caught a co-worker stealing one of his meatballs and then stabbed him in the arm.

Serge: Is that more or less civil than just poisoning your food?

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} So, I sorta saw where this story was going as you were saying it. But, I thought WAY worse. Like, I figured he had, like, a land mine or a hand grenade or something in his lunch so that, like, when he eats it,...dead.

Serge: This is pretty tame for a story - it was, y'know, a violent reaction - as opposed to a death trap. And I was expecting more of a death trap. I'D make a death trap.

Kathleen: Well, since you guys are so FULL of advice on how you could {FINGER QUOTES} "improve" this man's crime, why don't we debut a brand-new segment I just thought of right now? If you've got a question, why not ask Alex and Serge, your advice columnists?

{TITLE: SERGE AND ALEX GIVE YOU ADVICE AND YOU'LL PROBABLY GET ARRESTED}

Kathleen: Serge and Alex, I work in an office and someone's stealing my meatballs! How can I keep my precious protein orbs safe?

Serge: Barbed-wire, cameras, armed guards. Wait, that's a prison.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Chloroform meatballs and then you put them in a "Saw"-style death-trap!

{CUT TO JIGSAW DOLL}

Alex: {AS JIGSAW} Hello, Jeff! I'd like to eat a lunch with you!

Serge: Just "kneecap" everyone in the office. SOMEONE's guilty.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Lunchbag full of BEEEEEEEEE...

Serge: ...EEEEEEEEE...

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} ...EEEEEEEEE...

Serge & Alex: {CHEEK TO CHEEK} ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Kathleen: {IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} Dateline: Karagullen, Perth. {IN NORMAL VOICE} That's my bad Australian accent. Anyhow, Dateline: Karagullen, Perth where an Australian man has been arrested after he tried to carjack three cars using only his naked body and a large stick.

Serge: {EVEN WORSE ACCENT} Crickey!

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} HEY!

{PAN OUT TO SHOW ALEX IN THE REFEREE SHIRT, GIVING SERGE THE TWO-FINGERED "I'M WATCHING YOU!" MOTION}

Alex: {WITH REGULAR SHIRT AND BLACK CAP} So was this guy, like, super-strong or just, like, super-sexy?

Serge: I'm just impressed with his perseverance. I mean...three cars? I would've given up after the first. {PAUSE} N-not that I'd be naked trying to break into cars in the first place...but, {THUMBS UP} good on him.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Also, what kind of stick did he have? {HOLDS UP A BOOMERANG}

Serge: {IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE} {IN BRITISH ACCENT} A'ight, let's stick to the facts. He was Australian, he had a stick...

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING HANDCUFFS WITH BOTH HANDS} {IN BRITISH ACCENT} 'E went naked, Guv'nor!

Serge: {IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE} {IN BRITISH ACCENT} Naked?! Are you supposed to be Watson?

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND BARE CHEST, HOLDING HANDCUFFS WITH BOTH HANDS} {IN BRITISH ACCENT} Sexy Watson, Guv'nor. {BLOWS KISS TO CAMERA}

Kathleen: That's right, kids. {WINKS} "Ship" it! {A SPEECH BALLOON WITH A HEART IN IT APPEARS}

Serge: {IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND JACKET, HOLDING A TOBACCO PIPE} {IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} Crickey...

Kathleen: A cemetery in New Mexico is becoming a nexus of creepiness after a mysterious man started showing up there dressed like the Grim Reaper.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND SHIRT} If this story's about skeletons, I'm fucking done!

Serge: Thirteen skeletons...

{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}

Serge: He's in a cemetery. He's the embodiment of Death. It would be weird if he was at a mall.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, MOANING} These deals are to DIE FOR! Sale on now.

Serge: Thirteen percent off.

{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Has anybody thought to interview this guy or...arrest him?

Kathleen: Why, yes, Alex. KQRE-Albuquerque did.

{SHOWING INTRO TO KRQE NEWS 13}

Kathleen: {READING FORM iPHONE} "The mysterious man says that his name is {FINGER QUOTES} 'Light Wanderer' and that he comes to the cemetery to pray."

{CUT TO SCENE OF NEWS REPORT SHOWING "LIGHT WANDERER" BEING INTERVIEWED}

Light Wanderer: The weight of time weighs heavy on our souls.

{BACK TO MOONBASE}

Serge: {SOUNDING INNOCENT} That's really sweet. He brought flowers to strangers in a graveyard. That's not creepy at all. {TO CAMERA} That's REALLY creepy.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} I don't know about you but I kinda have spooky blue balls now.

Serge: Guy takes a lot of the mystery out of it when he just names himself.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} {SOUTHERN ACCENT} Yeah, you're gonna wanna watch out for my brother. Name's "Heavy Wanderer". He's a real tough cookie.

Serge: I'm...I'm kinda sad now. I was hoping it was a...a publicity stunt for a metal band or something. And he'd be, like, y'know, "We're Death Satans and we're here to rock!"

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} "Death Satans" sounds like the name for a teenage metal group.

Serge: Yeah, a bunch of thirteen-year-olds...

{ALEX SCREAMS AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIM IN TERROR}

Kathleen: Well, I think we've triggered Alex enough for one day. And, sadly, that means we have to bring this Feed Dump to an end. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON A FURRY KNIT-LIKE CAP WITH VIKING HORNS ATOP IT}...THIS hat. And me and this hat are goin' to Brown Town! {GROWLS HALF-HEARTEDLY} Stuff...rrrr...viking...

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} What the fuck is "Brown Town"?!

Kathleen: It's a reference to...boyfriend Kenji's...Magic stream on Twitch...when he would put minotaur...like, he'd do a minotaur deck with Theros and he would, like, put on a viking hat and say that he was "going to Brown Town"...I realize this joke is funny to me and my friend and not to anyone else watching now so...thanks, Alex.

{ALEX CRACKS UP OFFSCREEN}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO ALEX, BLACK CAP AND SHIRTLESS AGAIN, TWIRLING THE HANDCUFFS AROUND WITH HIS FINGER AND GIVING A KNOWING NOD TO THE CAMERA}