Nsburg

Scenic nsburg is the rural North American home to QWRP and its popular morning show, Qwerpline. It is a part of Therpston County, which also features the town of Jewelsburg.

Nsburg town logo by Devin Harrigan.

nsburg is a community in the rural United States of the sort where the pool hall is referred to as "Town Hall". The city's primary industry (or one of them) is turnips, and raccoon pelts have at times been accepted as currency. Two of its prominent neighborhoods are West Sump Acres, where the public library is located, and East Sump Acres, home to the sewage stream. It is located within Therpston county near the community of Jewelsburg.

nsburg is located on the Shaughnessy River, and for a brief time was also on the Shaughnessy River II, created after beavers dammed the main river. The Shaughnessy Highway runs alongside the river (and the Shaughnessy River II ran through the Shaughnessy Highway). Rather interestingly nsburg has been landlocked since the 1870s.

Highway 3 was home to nsburg's most famous and historically significant tourist attraction, the Berbeshire pot holes. Previously located on Highway 3 between Berbeshire Drive and Crescent Crescent the holes are dedicated by the mayor with celebrities who visit being given the key of the pot hole. The holes briefly disappeared causing much concern but soon reappeared on The Shaughnessy Highway after the Shaughnessy River II receded. During their disappearance there was some reports of suspicious holes on the Talcum Puff's field hockey field. Also at some point in the past the sidewalks of Highway 3 were blown up.

Underneath nsburg lie the nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Site And Car Wash, where rum was once smuggled to both Canada and Mexico as early as 1763.

Slogans of Nsburg

• Home of the Tigers!

This slogan was adopted in 1965 when the tigers were unveiled at the nsburg Municipal Zoo. The tigers were returned to their owner in 1997 but the slogan is still used.

• Turnip Capital of Therpston County.
• The Jewel of Therpston County.
• City of Lawns!

This slogan was adopted when nsburg got its second lawn, making it technically true.

• A Capital City!

The definition of capital used in the slogan is its meaning of "excellent or first rate." This is because the capital of Therpston County is Jewelsburg not nsburg.

• If you lived here... you'd live here!
• Where the sky meets!
• The second best Miami!

nsburg won the right to use the slogan after winning a sideball tournament against Lesser Miami in 1979.

• Get that Downe-home feeling!
• A Steppe Below!
• Recommended by 4 Dentists!

But not by Dr. Simcoe.

• Come for the weather, stay for the weather!
• Rolling Hills and Folding Valleys
• Land of the Midnight Sun

Taken by the tourism board in reference to The Midnight Sun, nsburg's famous prog-rock band who opened for Tangerine Dream once.

Nsburg Trivia

• Landlocked since the 1870's
• Raccoon pelts may be turned in place of paying taxes
• Exactly six feet above sea level

Notable Citizens

Present:

• Mayor - Dedicates potholes on Highway 3
• Ball Hinkley - Local Business Owner, runs an organic perfume business (featuring Vanilla Muskrat, Wet Wool, Dust Finger, Mist up Ladder, Ray Ramano). Had a booth at the Harvest Festival
• Granton Bumper - Owner of Bumper Crops, and known for growing prize-winning radish (singular)
• Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Unmarried, overly concerned about the wireless radio signals in town (the weefees), that allegedly upset her bees. Crafts anti-weefee dreamcatchers to filter out toxins; sells them on Etsy and at festivals.
• Officer Steve - nsburg Police Department
• Old Country Jam Maker - Immigrant from Old Country, makes various jams: strawberry (actually beets), blackberry (actually blackberry ashes), peach (actually imported centipedes)
• Ralph - nsburg Geological Society
• Raphael Crinklestouf - Inventor, attempting to standardize feces as a fuel source.

Past:

• Sandra Hammer - Subject of the local movie "Jackin' It"

Organizations and Business

• Berk Scouts
• Girl Scouts - Known for their record-breaking fundraising and firearms expertise
• nsburg Geological Society
• nsburg Geological Survey
• nsburg Haz-Mat
• nsburg Police Department
• nsburg Tourism Board - Actively creating new slogans to bring tourists to the town.
• Secret Pipesman Lodge - Not really that secret, stores time capsules
• The Nsburg Geological Society
• Tom Mcgee's Chamonix Harmony - A French alps barbershop quartet.
• Jack Plank's Sauna-Smoked Pork
• Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss - Candy floss made from all-natural sphagnum moss.
• The Jewelsburg Diamonds girl's field hockey
• Chad McRad's Sad Pad - A topical antidepressant produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals. Apply to the underarm.
• Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet
• The Talcum Puffs girl's field hockey
• Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster - A constantly moving elevator, produced in Gloster, capable of moving entire field hockey teams from floor to floor.
• Deider's Beaters Used Cars
• Huffer Pharmachemicals
• Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet
• Pass n Gas - Full "Serve"
• Raymond's Talc Barn - Near Highway 3 - Farm with the weird looking cow
• Hetty Resetti's Spaghetti Machete - Billed as a tool made to "fight off" the hunger of an army.
• Granny Marge's Man-free Barges - Luxury Shaughnessy River cruises available to everyone except men.
• The Libertine Submarine Limousine - A "richly-pointed, man-only, watertight town car" which is "filled with luscious men" and apparently negates a need for sunscreen.
• Mary O'Flahrety's Lairy Disparity - A bleak burlesque show exposing the frailties of modern life, the human condition, "and maybe some other things."
• Great Height Freight Lightweight Flight - For when you need to get your small packages into space. Promises overnight delivery and personal satellite installations.
• The Get Wet Dinette Set - A dinner table which also functions as a water park that is made from waterproof Chinet®.
• The No-Strain Brain Chain - A Huffer Pharmachemicals product designed to protect the cerebellum from concussive head trauma.
• Concise Device by Bernice Price - It works.
• The Lougheed Tough Slough Plough - Thoroughly digs troughs through boroughs with great expediency, all whilst being "quiet as a hiccough".
• The Random Phantom Bantam - Anti-fox ghost-chicken defense system for chicken coops that requires annual replacement.
• Pastor McMaster's Cremaster Disaster - "The only archbishop-approved Catholic prophylactic." Produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals.
• The Wiener Czar

• 
  Nsburg Geological Society by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  The Jewelsburg Diamonds by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  The Talcum Puffs by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  Birk Scouts by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  The Pipesman by Devin Harrigan.

Geography

Natural features:

• Shaughnessy River - Known for its beavers, ducks and shoes

Notable streets and roads:

• Berbershire Drive (Highway 3)
• Crescent Crescent (Highway 3)
• Highway 3 - Heritage Site. Known for its potholes, to which celebrities have been honored with keys. Potholes were recently lost, and then discovered to have moved to the Shaughnessy. Sidewalks have been blown up.
• Shaughnessy Highway/Interstate - Built on a floodplain, major trucking Route. During the flooding, was referred to as the Shaughnessy River II. After the floodwater receded, it was discovered that the Berbershire potholes had reappeared here!

Notable Neighborhoods:

• Raster Heights, a wealthier section of town
• Sump Acres
  • East - Sewage stream (salty)
  • West - Home to many, many children
• Formosa-Town

Other Locations

• Communal Pool - Beware the Raccoons
• The Esplanade
• Free Blackberry Patches
• High School
• Megaplex Movie Theater - A Family Theater
• Town Hall (pool) - Do not pay your taxes here. Do come here to bet on Geyserwatch.
• Town Hall (civic) - Pay your taxes here. Raccoon pelts accepted.
• nsburg Municipal Zoo - Unveiled tigers in 1965, returned them in 1997
• QWRP Studios - Home of Qwerpline! Uses a two-story tall antenna to broadcast. Has access to a Mobile Broadcast Van, a traffic helicopter and a bio-diesel powered fan boat for reporting on stories.

Local Sports

• nsburg Talcum Puffs - High School Field Hockey. 2014 Therpston County Champions. Coached by Dr. Mcfeels, formerly Chet Buntsman. Sponsored by Talc Barn. Are the rivals of the Jewlsburg Diamonds.

QWRP FM

Staff & Contributors:

• Graham (G-Money/G-Fresh) - Co-host
• Alex "A-Train" - Co-host, unmarried, cousin had swampleg, former roadworker
• Derek - Summer Intern. He's 19! Moved to nsburg with parents, joined Berk Scouts. Jewish
• Sadie Casperson - Meteorologist. Married to the Lottery ballsman. Has a cat named Mr. Wigglebutt who competes in Freestyle Fluff, Synchronized Comb-Off
• Edith Slump - It's the Arts! Thrilled to be here. Also presents the Book Hutch.
• Richter Hammockslam - Pilot of the QWRP Traffic Qwopter and QWRP Traffic Fan Boat (powered by biodiesel (ie: french fries))
• Chet Buntsman - Sports Report. Formerly a high school coach, known to be overly emotional before games.
• Murial - Old wife, lives in closet in QWRP Studios

Annual Events

Harvest Festival logo by Devin Harrigan.

• Nsburg Harvest Festival - An October tradition with all sorts of local character.

Activities at the Harvest Festival include a large vegetable competition and a pet show which includes such competitions as the Freestyle Fluff and Synchronized Comb-Off. Many local businesses set up stalls to ply their wares. Parking can be problematic as there is a 2 hour limit. Presiding over the activities is the traditional Turnip Queen... who is the same nearly every year because it's a hereditary monarchy.

• March Marchness - A yearly parade competition.
• The Big Pig F--k-Off: An annual event originally intended to help farmers with their pig drifts. It is inexplicably popular, with Nsburg residents getting excited about it every year until they remember what actually happens. (It's exactly what it sounds like.)

Recent Events

• Flooding of the Shaughnessy Highway (renamed Shaughnessy River II), prevented goods from being transported (importantly gas and oil). Caused by beavers damming the river. When the floodwaters receded, it was discovered that the Berbershire potholes had reappeared on the Shaughnessy Highway.