Nsburg

Scenic Nsburg! is a rural North American town home to QWRP FM and its popular morning show, Qwerpline.

Nsburg town logo by Devin Harrigan.

Geography

Nsburg is located within Therpston County, which seceded from neighboring Greensboro County for tax reasons. The Shaughnessy River runs near the town, as well as the short-lived Shaughnessy River II, which was created after beavers dammed the main river and flooded the Shaughnessy Highway. The town's other main thoroughfare is Highway 3, which passes the salt flats. Somewhere out on Highway 3 is the Highway 3 Spite House, owned by Happy Gunderson. At some point the sidewalks of Highway 3 were blown up. Nsburg is six feet above sea level, and measuring this height is an annual public ritual. The town has been landlocked since the 1870s.

Turnips are one of the town's primary industries along with tourism. Tourist attractions include the Nsburg Rum Tunnels and the Berbershire Potholes. Previously located on Highway 3 between Berbershire Drive and Crescent Crescent, the potholes are dedicated by the mayor and celebrities who visit the town receive a "key to the potholes." In Episode 1 the holes briefly disappeared, causing much concern, but soon reappeared on the Shaughnessy Highway after the Shaughnessy River II receded.

The area is overrun with raccoons and raccoon pelts have at times been used as currency. They are currently accepted as payment for municipal property tax.

The town has a geyser named "Old Blowy" that erupts once a year between January and March, a period called "Geyserwatch." Bets are definitely not taken on the day of eruption down at the Town Hall.

Other major townships in the county include Chuffield, Jewelsburg, and Lesser Miami.

History

Nsburg may have existed as early as 1763, when the historic Rum Tunnels were dug beneath the town in order to smuggle rum to both Canada and Mexico. It became part of Therpston County in 1973, when Richard Therpston seceded from neighboring Greensboro County for tax reasons. The town somehow became landlocked in the 1870s. No word on how it became landlocked, or what body of water it may have previously bordered.

Neighborhoods

• West Sump Acres, where the public library is located.
• East Sump Acres, home to the sewage stream and culvert grid.
• Raster Heights, an upscale neighborhood.
• Formosa-Town, where you can buy durians.

Town Organizations

• Town Hall (civic) - Pay your taxes here. Raccoon pelts accepted.
• Secret Pipesmen: Not really a secret.
• Harvest Queen: The position of Harvest Queen (a hereditary monarchy) holds real authority within the town. Her picture appears on local currency. Darren von Spront claims she has granted him diplomatic immunity.
• Volunteer Fire Department: Brave men and women of the community who fight fires for the good of the town.
• For-Profit Fire Department: Possibly-less-brave men and women of the community who fight fires for a handsome price.
• Volunteer Coast Guard: Consists of one volunteer, Captain Gordon John. The town's charter gives him authority over the Shaughnessy River, the Chumble floodplain, the culvert grid in East Sump Acres, and a smattering of bathtubs in Raster Heights.
• Nsburg Search: They're saving up to afford the "rescue."
• Municipal Zoo: Proudly unveiled tigers in 1965! Then had to give them back in 1997.
• Nsburg High School: Home of the Nsburg Rocketry Club.
• Nsburg Chamber of Commerce: Sponsored one of the March Marchness parades.
• Nsburg Council of the Arts: Sponsored a March Marchness "nude march."
• East Sump Acres Community Association: Everything in their parade is inflatable.
• Nsburg Police Department: Motto is "No longer f*cking around."
• Nsburg Tourism Board: Actively creating new slogans to bring tourists to the town.

• Berg Scouts: The local Boy Scouts equivalent. Derek was in Berg Scouts as a kid.
• Girl Scouts: Technically, they're mercenaries. Known for record-breaking fundraising and firearms expertise. Edith Slump was a Girl Scout in her youth.
• Sigma Theta Naka: Local sorority and dojo, famous for their annual pillowfight.
• Nsburg Birders Society: Or "Nsbirders."
• Nsburg Community Players

• nsburg Geological Society
• nsburg Geological Survey
• nsburg Haz-Mat

Local Businesses

• Town Hall (pool) - Do not pay your taxes here. Do come here to bet on Geyserwatch.
• Nattering Pines Shopping Mall: Home to Caramel Cove Collective and the Tchotchke Hut. Uncondemned every year in time for the Christmas shopping rush on Brown Tuesday.
• The Esplanade
• Free Blackberry Patches
• Megaplex Movie Theater - A Family Theater

• Dieter's Beaters Used Cars: Less of a business, more of a hard shoulder on Highway 3. Motto: "The keys are in the ignition." Dieter's Beaters is not responsible for the contents of the car.
• Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet
• Pass n Gas - Full "Serve"
• Raymond's Talc Barn - Near Highway 3, past the farm with the weird looking cow.
• Harry's Hydrogen Hut
• The Novel Hovel
• Bumper Crop Farms and its ill-omened Corn Maze
• The Wiener Czar: Nsburg's first fast-food joint, opened in 1956.
• Dee's Discount Pets: Out on Highway 3.

Underneath Nsburg is the Nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Site And Car Wash, where rum was once smuggled to both Canada and Mexico as early as 1763. According to Sandra Brentmore, the site's caretakers, the ground under Nsburg "is like swiss cheese."

Town Slogans

• Home of the Tigers! Adopted in 1965 when the tigers were unveiled at the Nsburg Municipal Zoo. The tigers were returned to their owner in 1997, but the slogan is still used.
• Turnip Capital of Therpston County.
• The Jewel of Therpston County. Not to be confused with Jewelsburg, Therpston County.
• City of Lawns! Adopted when nsburg got its second lawn, making it technically true.
• A Capital City! The word "capital" in this slogan means "excellent" or "first rate," not that Nsburg is the capital of Therpston County. The town of Jewelsburg gets that honor.
• If you lived here... you'd live here!
• Where the sky meets!
• The second best Miami! Nsburg won the right to use the slogan by defeating Lesser Miami in a sideball tournament in 1979.
• Get that Downe-home feeling!
• A Steppe Below!
• Recommended by 4 Dentists! But not by Dr. Simcoe.
• Come for the weather, stay for the weather!
• Rolling Hills and Folding Valleys!
• Land of the Midnight Sun. Refers to The Midnight Sun, Nsburg's famous(?) prog-rock band. They once opened for Tangerine Dream.

Organizations and Business

• Tom Mcgee's Chamonix Harmony - A French alps barbershop quartet.
• Jack Plank's Sauna-Smoked Pork
• Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss - Candy floss made from all-natural sphagnum moss.
• Chad McRad's Sad Pad - A topical antidepressant produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals. Apply to the underarm.
• Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet
• Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster - A constantly moving elevator, produced in Gloster, capable of moving entire field hockey teams from floor to floor.
• Hetty Resetti's Spaghetti Machete - Billed as a tool made to "fight off" the hunger of an army.
• Granny Marge's Man-free Barges - Luxury Shaughnessy River cruises available to everyone except men.
• The Libertine Submarine Limousine - A "richly-pointed, man-only, watertight town car" which is "filled with luscious men" and apparently negates a need for sunscreen.
• Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity - A bleak burlesque show exposing the frailties of modern life, the human condition, "and maybe some other things."
• Great Height Freight Lightweight Flight - For when you need to get your small packages into space. Promises overnight delivery and personal satellite installations.
• The Get Wet Dinette Set - A dinner table which also functions as a water park that is made from waterproof Chinet®.
• The No-Strain Brain Chain - A Huffer Pharmachemicals product designed to protect the cerebellum from concussive head trauma.
• Concise Device by Bernice Price - It works.
• The Lougheed Tough Slough Plough - Thoroughly digs troughs through boroughs with great expediency, all whilst being "quiet as a hiccough".
• The Random Phantom Bantam - Anti-fox ghost-chicken defense system for chicken coops that requires annual replacement.
• Pastor McMaster's Cremaster Disaster - "The only archbishop-approved Catholic prophylactic." Produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals.

• 
  Nsburg Geological Society by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  The Jewelsburg Diamonds by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet by Devin Harrigan.
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  The Talcum Puffs by Devin Harrigan.
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  Birk Scouts by Devin Harrigan.
• 
  The Pipesman by Devin Harrigan.

Local Sports

• nsburg Talcum Puffs - High School Field Hockey. 2014 Therpston County Champions. Coached by Dr. Mcfeels, formerly Chet Buntsman. Sponsored by Talc Barn. Are the rivals of the Jewelsburg Diamonds.

Annual Events

Harvest Festival logo by Devin Harrigan.

• Nsburg Harvest Festival - An October tradition with all sorts of local character.

Activities at the Harvest Festival include a large vegetable competition and a pet show which includes such competitions as the Freestyle Fluff and Synchronized Comb-Off. Many local businesses set up stalls to ply their wares. Parking can be problematic as there is a 2 hour limit. Presiding over the activities is the traditional Turnip Queen... who is the same nearly every year because it's a hereditary monarchy.

• March Marchness - A yearly parade competition.
• The Big Pig F--k-Off: An annual event originally intended to help farmers with their pig drifts. It is inexplicably popular, with Nsburg residents getting excited about it every year until they remember what actually happens. (It's exactly what it sounds like.)