Superficial Intelligence Transcript

Transcript for Superficial Intelligence

Synopsis

{Scene opens at the bottom of some stairs in a post-apocalyptic setting. After a while, the First Player (Kathleen) runs down the stairs and ducks behind a wall to catch her breath, clutching her uzi close to her chest.}

First Player: {softly to herself} You can do this. One, two, three! {charges out into the open}

{We now see a tunnel, from which a figure stumbles clumsily out. The figure is dressed in a dirty orange jumpsuit and has a stained sack over its head. Suddenly, it gets shot in the shoulder and it collapses to the ground. Cut to First Player, who looks very confused. Then another Player (Graham) comes into view, lowering his Desert Eagle, revealing that he was the one who shot the figure.}

Second Player: Twenty-three.

First Player: Thanks for the assist.

Second Player: Don't mention it.

{Just then, the figure's body flickers and then disappears. Then it reemerges from the tunnel, evidently unharmed, only to get shot in the head by the Second Player.}

Second Player: Twenty-four.

First Player: What are you doing?

Second Player: I'm testing the limits of the stupid AI in this crappy game. The marketing was all like "The enemies will learn and adapt to your strategies", but twenty-four of those same goons coming out of that tunnel tells me otherwise.

{As he spoke, the second "goon" also flickers and disappears. Then a third figure comes out of the tunnel.}

First Player: {startled} Ahhh! Look out! {fires her gun and shoots the figure}

Second Player: Twenty-five. How is this meant to be an immersive experience? Forget about the bodies that just disappear for no reason. If there were really twenty-five guys in that tunnel, why didn't they all come out at once and try to overwhelm us? Or maybe, after he saw twenty-four of his friends get gunned down, the twenty-fifth guy should have tried a different strategy than walk out into the open and get shot.

First Player: Now hang on. We are dealing with an alien mind-control parasite, aren't we?

Second Player: Yeah. So?

First Player: So they're aliens! What makes you think they would act exactly like you would expect humans to? What you see as a crappy AI could actually be a very accurate model of a completely alien intelligence. Maybe sending twenty-five guys out of the same tunnel one at a time serves some purpose our human minds can't comprehend.

Second Player: If the developers were so concerned with realism, it sure as hell doesn't come across in the character designs. That exact same guy keeps coming out of that tunnel over and over again. Did we just kill the world's only vigintiquintuplets?

First Player: I think the fact that you think they all look the same says more about your prejudice than it does about the developers.

Second Player: {points at body} Look at him! He is literally the same model. His overalls are even scuffed in the same pattern.

{At that moment, the body disappears and yet another alien-controlled zombie emerges from the tunnel. First Player goes for her gun, but Second Player stops her.}

Second Player: Whoa whoa whoa wait a second, wait a second. Let's see what this amazing simulated AI can do.

{The controlled zombie walks straight at them, moaning slightly, and then goes right between them and heads towards a nearby building.}

Second Player: {sarcastically} Oh, that's great. Good, good defending the base, buddy. Just completely ignore the two people with guns standing on the open. I wouldn't want to interrupt your patrol. {turns to First Player} See? Stupid, and buggy.

First Player: Wait, you just assumed because you can see him that he should be able to see you.

Second Player: {cautiously} ...Yes?

First Player: Your argument is that this alien lifeform that evolved on a different planet in a different part of the galaxy thousands of light-years away should have the same sensory organs that operate on the same narrow electromagnetic spectrum as we do? Maybe they see in X-rays, or they view the world as a four-dimensional hypercube. Maybe they navigate by sending quantum fluctuations in carbon atoms and they see no distinction between us and the walls. They are ALIENS!

{To prove her point, she gestures at the zombie that is now continuously running into a wall.}

Second Player: {sighs and approaches the zombie} And I suppose you're gonna say that this isn't a pathing glitch, but is actually a faithful representation of a vast alien intelligence that really likes corners?

First Player: No. I am saying that it is futile to try and describe the human emotions of like or dislike to a creature from another galaxy. We have been studying mice for several years and we still don't really know what they're thinking, and we share 96% of our genes with them!

Second Player: {facepalms} So you're saying that everything we're seeing - reused models, the suicidal goons, the terrible pathfinding - is not because the developers of this game were lazy and released a half-baked product, but is actually because this is the world's most sophisticated simulation of a bizarre alien intelligence that travelled thousands of light-years, enslaved the world's population, then took over their bodies from which they cannot see, all so they can get shot one at a time and occasionally walk into a wall.

First Player: Well, I never said they were smart aliens. {raises uzi and shoots the zombie}

{CREDITS}

Stinger

{Both players are now back at the tunnel, blocking off the path of the newest zombie who is now wandering in front of the entrance in confusion}

Second Player: Okay, so either this is the dumbest AI ever or it's an incredibly faithful representation of the dumbest aliens ever, but either way, I feel sorry for them.

First Player: Maybe world domination via pity was their ultimate goal the whole time.

{At that moment, the zombie stumbles over the wall and gets stuck, its feet still swinging around}

Second Player: Then we are doomed.

First Player: {looking at the zombie} Aw, look at his little butt!