Qwerpline Ep09 - Rum Runners Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep09 - Rum Runners

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Great Height Freight Light Weight Flight }

ANNOUNCER: ... Great Height Freight Light Weight Flight. When you need to get your small packages into space, trust Great Height Freight Light Weight Flight. it'll get there overnight.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning, and welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: You know that feeling like when you're walking up stairs and there's one less than you think there is?

G-MONEY: Yes?

A-TRAIN: Yeah I don't feel like that.

G-MONEY: Wow. That, that had that precise effect on me actually. Thank you. For everyone else, on stairs or otherwise, we hope that you're having a great day out there in beautiful Nsburg. The city of Nsburg, "Get That Down Home Feeling".

{Graphic: town slogan}

G-MONEY: That slogan still in use despite the repeated requests from Hugh and Lauren Down whose home in Raster Heights was used as part of an Nsburg marketing campaign, very much against their wishes.

A-TRAIN: Just goes to show that money can't buy happiness, but it sure can buy misery.

G-MONEY: And a real nice home. I mean, you've seen it obviously.

A-TRAIN: It is inescapable.

G-MONEY: Yeah. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: An update for the athletically inclined: the Nsburg marathon, which was of course delayed by the untimely death of the Honorable Richard Thurpston, has been rescheduled for mid-January, prime black ice season here in Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Well on the plus side, they won't get wet during the steeplechase.

G-MONEY: Will be a hard landing though. Are you looking forward to firing the ceremonial blunderbuss?

A-TRAIN: Oh right, I get to do that now! I got to get certified.

G-MONEY: For what?

A-TRAIN: You need a heavy weapons permit.

G-MONEY: For the ceremonial blunderbuss?

A-TRAIN: Have you seen it? Ceremonial in name only, that thing is a cannon.

G-MONEY: So you need a heavy weapons permit because it very...?

A-TRAIN: It's excruciatingly heavy. It's made of iron.

{Graphic: Nsburg Tree Lighting Ceremony}

G-MONEY: Okay. And in other news an update on the Nsburg fourth-quarter tree lighting ceremony: after a nearly week-long ordeal of kerosene and progressively less safe blowtorch use; the tree is at last, mercifully, on fire. The gathered crowds have finally been able to return to their homes.

A-TRAIN: And good news for those of you with petroleum allergies, it's safe to go shopping now.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: And a reminder about the upcoming Brown Tuesday sales at Nattering Pines Mall.

{Graphic: Nattering Pines Shopping Mall}

A-TRAIN: Where this year's slogan is ... really? ... fill your drawers with value.

G-MONEY: And a reminder of course as with every Brown Tuesday to finish up all of your shopping before 12:01 a.m. on Wednesday when the doors lock.

{Laugh break}

{Graphic: News}

A-TRAIN: Graham's not joking around. I was locked in on a Brown Tuesday last year.

G-MONEY: Oh yeah what was that like?

A-TRAIN: Shitty.

G-MONEY: I don't know why I didn't see that coming a mile away. And speaking of which it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going out there today Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: No, don't, keep your... No, don't touch tha ... Fine, Graham. Everything up here is fine and dandy.

A-TRAIN: It sure doesn't sound like that Richter.

RICHTER: No the traffic is good and fine with me and today's young partner Joy. Your name's Joy, right?

JOY: I'm pushing the buttons!

RICHTER: Great.

A-TRAIN: Right. It's take your daughter to work day.

G-MONEY: Right. Wait. Richter doesn't have kids.

A-TRAIN: What?

RICHTER: That's right Graham. But while I don't personally own a child of my own there were several in the vicinity of the QWRP helipad this morning ready and willing to enter my helicopter. I won't say I wasn't curious about how the other half lives but I'm happy to do a service to the generations of tomorrow.

JOY: Mummy said this was cheaper than daycare!

G-MONEY: Did we have a school group going through the studio this morning?

A-TRAIN: Did we?!

G-MONEY: I hope so.

A-TRAIN: I hope not!

RICHTER: Now Joy, I want to to keep an eye on that dial there. That's the Altimeter, also known as Daddy's Don't Die Dial.

JOY: My mum says my dad's a deadbeat. Are you my new dad?

RICHTER: According to the bingo on this fuel gauge, for the next 20 minutes, yes I am.

JOY: YAY! Will you remember Christmas? And my birthday?

RICHTER: When were you born?

JOY: July 5th, 2009!

RICHTER: What time?

JOY: I don't know. My mummy just says it was inconvenient.

RICHTER: Well that sounds like rush hour. And if that's the case, then your daddy was looking down on you the day you were born, and will always be up, looking down on you well into your old age.

JOY: Like we're looking down on that car that's on fire?

RICHTER: Exactly like that. And can you tell our good listeners where that smouldering wreck is located?

JOY: Injaneeka Drive.

RICHTER: That's a big word for such a brave little girl. That's all for traffic today Graham. Back to you.

A-TRAIN: Wow. Actual traffic again.

G-MONEY: Yeah, let's just gloss over the fact that Richter kidnapped a child!

A-TRAIN: Well, she's pretty good at the job. Can we just fire Richter and keep her?

G-MONEY: She's always welcome to intern when she turns 19

A-TRAIN: Yes please.

G-MONEY: Speaking of which.

A-TRAIN: FUCK!

G-MONEY: We now go to our summer intern Derek, who is down at the seasonal reopening of the Nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Tour Site and Car Wash.

DEREK: Hi guys the car wash is looking awesome.

G-MONEY: Did you take the QWRP mobile broadcast van in for a clean like we asked?

DEREK: I did but they told me to remove the antenna before it brought it in. I thought I had enough space, so we have to talk later.

A-TRAIN: Fantastic.

DEREK: I thought I was doing you a favor because you said you never want to be in that thing again.

A-TRAIN: I guess I should be more careful what I wish for in the future. You're like a human monkey paw there Derek.

DEREK: I saw a movie about that once.

A-TRAIN: Did you learn anything from it?

DEREK: No.

G-MONEY: Derek.

DEREK: Now that I think about it, it was more about a human with monkey paws.

G-MONEY: The Rum Tunnels Historical Tour Site.

DEREK: Right, yes. Um, so I've only been here three times in my youth. Mostly with my dad, but I had to wait outside. But he really liked it because he'd always come out really happy and kind of dizzy.

A-TRAIN: Well they have some really good samplers down there.

DEREK: I figured it was because all the tunnels move in circles.

UNKNOWN: Are we still doing this interview?

DEREK: Ah. What are you doing in the cave?

SANDRA BRENTMORE: Because I work here. Sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Sandra Brentmore. I'm the president of the Nsburg Historical Rum Tunnel Society. I have a terrible case of laryngitis. Turns out caves are incredibly damp.

DEREK: You're gonna have to speak up so they can hear you on the other side of the radio.

G-MONEY: We can hear her just fine Derek.

A-TRAIN: It's like she swallowed eight cans of gravel.

DEREK: If you guys think it's fine, then I'll continue with the interview. Miss Brentmore can you give me a tour of your magical cavern?

{laugh break}

GRAHAM: Oh no.

SANDRA: Well little boy the Nsburg Rum Tunnels were established in 1763 to smuggle rum into both Canada and Mexico.

A-TRAIN: How long were these tunnels?

SANDRA: Oh man, they're like, _super_ long.

G-MONEY: Really?

SANDRA: You know how it's rumored that some stretches of New York's sewer system have never been explored? It's like that. It's not that the tunnels are inaccessible, it's just that nobody cares.

DEREK: I care.

SANDRA: Really?

DEREK: No I was only saying that to make you feel better. Did it?

SANDRA: Well, not anymore.

DEREK: So Miss Sandra how tunnely is this place?

SANDRA: Well there's 8 tunnels that we have brought back to their original rum running glory but we're still discovering new nooks and crannies every single day.

DEREK: Oh that's cool so it's like a whole secret passage. What's this here?

SANDRA: Whoa don't touch that.

{Sound effect: scraping stone}

DEREK: Neat! Can you name this one after me?

SANDRA: If we were gonna name a tunnel every time we found a new one, we would run out of names. The ground in Nsburg like Swiss cheese if the holes were filled with old rum and occasionally a skeleton. DEREK: He doesn't look like a skeleton.

SANDRA: What?

G-MONEY: What?

UNKNOWN 1: Hi.

DEREK: Hello. You don't look like you're from the 1920s. Are you a tunnel ghost? I have a ghost living inside me.

SANDRA: Shut up. How did you get in here?

UNKNOWN 1: Are you four here with the search and rescue? You're here to save us?

UNKNOWN 2: Yo, Chuck who is it?

CHUCK: It's the search and rescue.

UNKNOWN 3: But we're search and rescue.

CHUCK: Yeah, but you're drunk. These guys can stand up straight.

UNKNOWN 3: Oh well carry on then. Woo!

UNKNOWN 2: Woo!

UNKNOWN 4: Alright!

G-MONEY: Oh my god. Derek are these ... are these ..?

A-TRAIN: ... the Maize Runners?

G-MONEY: Alex that is a shitty nickname. Steve at the Nsburg Sentinel is a hack and he should be ashamed of himself.

DEREK: Oh yeah! Are you the people from the maze corn?

CHUCK: I-I think so? It's all so long ago.

SANDRA: It's been six weeks.

CHUCK: Oh.

A-TRAIN: How are you all still alive?

CHUCK: There's all this rum.

SANDRA: Wait you've been in here for six weeks? What have you been eating?

CHUCK: You know the Donner Party right?

A-TRAIN: Oh god.

DEREK: I don't get it.

CHUCK: I'm just joking. We've been eating cave moss.

UNKNOWN 2: It's real good with rum.

UNKNOWN 4: You know it Chuck.

G-MONEY: Wait, if these are the people that went missing in the corn maze, and the people we sent in to find the people who went missing in the corn maze, how did they get trapped in the Nsburg rum tunnels?

CHUCK: I was in the maze and there were all these holes ... fell down one of them blacked-out ... then I found this rum ... I blacked out ... then you four were here ... I might black out again.

DEREK: There's only two of us here. *gasps* Sandra do have a ghost inside you too?

SANDRA: Oh my god. How much of this rum did you drink? It's like a hundred years old.

CHUCK: I know. Jimmy tried to light a bottle on fire so we could read but then we kicked the shit out of Jimmy for burning the rum.

SANDRA: Well, you're rescued now.

CHUCK: We don't want to go. It's nice here. There's rum.

SANDRA: Well you have to go because this is a registered historical site of Thurpston County.

CHUCK: Okay. Guys, grab some bottles. We're taking this party to the pool.

SANDRA: Those bottles are also registered to historical artifacts of Thurpston County.

CHUCK: Don't worry. I always collect the bottles for the deposit anyway.

DEREK: Well there you have it Graham and Alex. The Nsburg Rum Tunnel Tour Site and historical Car Wash is open from 11:00 a.m. till 7:00 p.m. on weekdays and these guys get real dizzy and happy like my dad used to, so I'm gonna go with them down to the pool to make sure everything's chill and the lady who runs the place is a ghost inside her.

G-MONEY: Wait, Derek. What, what about the people?

A-TRAIN: Derek! I swear if the Sentinel scoops us on this story, I am gonna be even madder at Derek than I already am.

G-MONEY: Well we will try to catch up with Derek after this short break. When we come back ... what? we have ... excuse me. We have a caller? Two? Why?

A-TRAIN: FUCK YOU GUS! You trying to sabotage our chance at a radio Emmy here?

{Sound effect: Fart}

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}

G-MONEY: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a couple guests on the phone. Local high tech ... really ... wunderkind Darrin Von Spront ...

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Darren Von Spront - High Tech Wunderkind}

G-MONEY: ... and - are you serious? - local inventor Raphael Crinklestouf.

{Caption added: Raphael Crinklestouf - Local Inventor}

G-MONEY: Well thank fuck he's not in the studio. How are you gentlemen doing today?

DARREN VON SPRONT: Wunderbar!

RAPHAEL CRINCKLESTOUF: Irritated.

G-MONEY: What matter of great import have you phoned us with today? We'll start with Mr. Von Spront.

VON SPRONT: Thank you Graham and Alex and thank you for having me on your program. I look for nothing more than a peaceful solution to this patent dispute I have with Herr Crinklestouf.

RAPHAEL: Hair Crinklestouf? You'll find I'm 98% bald!

G-MONEY: Sorry, a patent disput?. What's the patent for?

RAPHAEL: I created a new wonderful device to heat food on the outside of people's houses. I call it a Sun Funnel, or Sunnel for short. I think it'll sell excellently.

A-TRAIN: A Sunnel?

RAPHAEL: See? It's already catching on.

VON SPRONT: That's patently false. See, a little joke I put in there. No, Herr Crinklestouf. I am the developer of this solar collector which I intend to use for my own benefit as I intend to sell it to the military industrial complex.

RAPHAEL: Poppycock! What use could the military have for a long-range high-intensity outdoor food cooker?

VON SPRONT: You ancient fool! This thing is a weapon of high power, capable of burning airplanes out of the sky! So for defense.

A-TRAIN: Well they figuratively say that the best defense is a good offense.

VON SPRONT: Alex, this is something that is purely for defensive purposes. When built on a flat plane only things above it could be targeted. However if someone were to say build it on the side of a hill ... mine Gott! Crinklestouf! You maniac! What have you done?!

RAPHAEL: Of course I've already mounted my prototype. It's on Old Wives Peak and I've been aiming it at the windows of ordinary citizens cooking the pies on window sills with nothing but clean, renewable solar energy.

A-TRAIN: That recent string of pies fire suddenly makes horrible, horrible sense.

RAPHAEL: Why just this morning I was thoughtfully baking cookies inside someone's car on Injaneeka Street.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Oh.

RAPHAEL: That's why I've called you, Your Honour. I need you to ratify this patent for me before this fool steals my invention and sells it to the US government or whatever government he works for.

VON SPRONT: Governments nothing. I intend to sell this to Lockheed Martin for cool 500 million dollars.

RAPHAEL: You'll never take my Sunnel.

VON SPRONT: First off, we have some issues with the name.

A-TRAIN: I'm tempted to just exile you both and burn the plans.

RAPHAEL: Oh there are no blueprints. I carelessly left them under my Sunnel and they disappeared for some reason.

VON SPRONT: And you can't exile me, you'll find I have diplomatic immunity as I am under very good terms with the Harvest Queen.

A-TRAIN: Fine! You want me to approve this? It'll have to be reviewed. I'll put together a committee and we'll meet in six months.

VON SPRONT: Six months?

RAPHAEL: Review?

A-TRAIN: I'm gonna put this boondoggle of yours behind so much red tape that the sun will burn out before you collect any of its energy.

VON SPRONT: But I wanted to bring this to market before next Brown Tuesday.

RAPHAEL: But Your Honour! Think of all those unbaked fourth-quarter pies!

A-TRAIN: Joke's on you I like my pies rare. Goodbye.

G-MONEY: You like your pie rare?

A-TRAIN: Don't question me.

G-MONEY: Yes, Your Honour.

A-TRAIN: Dammit.

G-MONEY: I know that you're not actually really keen on being Aldersm'n but you're doing a pretty good job of it.

A-TRAIN: Double dammit.

G-MONEY: Folks, that is, mercifully, gonna take us up to the break - for real this time, Gus. When we come back it's the arts. Our own Edith Slump is gonna tell us about the touring street percussion group Stimp.

A-TRAIN: Wait, is that the Cacophony Symphony?

EDITH SLUMP: No they're a knock-off.

A-TRAIN: Ah! How did you get in here?!

EDITH: The door.

G-MONEY: And we're gonna be robo-dialing Derek until he picks up his phone so we can hopefully get an interview with one of the newly rescued Corn Holers.

A-TRAIN: The what?

G-MONEY: Look, Maize Runners is terrible but I didn't actually have any better suggestions.

A-TRAIN: Sperunkers?

G-MONEY: Not really. Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

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