Door to Door Transcript

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Transcript for Door to Door

Transcript

[MORGAN sits and watches television, flipping through the channels. Outside, a finger presses the doorbell. MORGAN gets up and opens the door. PAUL and GRAHAM are there, dressed in suits with red dress shirts and holding small red leather books.]

MORGAN: Hello.

GRAHAM: (brightly) Hi! We were wondering if you considered accepting Satan as your personal lord and master.

MORGAN: (nearly interrupting, beginning to close the door) No, I can't say as I...

[MORGAN stops, the door ajar. A dog barks in the distance.]

MORGAN: ...what?

PAUL: Yes, we're from the First Church of Satan, and we're here to spread the foul word of our lord, the destroyer of worlds!

GRAHAM: So we were wondering if we could come in and talk about what Satan can do for you!

MORGAN: (haltingly) Well... I... guess you could.

[GRAHAM and PAUL enter. MORGAN passes by a mirror, seen first in the reflection. GRAHAM and PAUL pass without being seen in the mirror. GRAHAM hangs back and turns the heat all the way up on a wall-mounted thermostat.]

[MORGAN returns to his seat on the couch. PAUL and GRAHAM take a seat on an adjacent couch.]

GRAHAM: Are you happy?

PAUL: Are you fulfilled?

GRAHAM: Where are you going?

PAUL: When will you get there?

GRAHAM: If you can't answer these questions, then our dark lord can help...

[GRAHAM holds up the red book.]

GRAHAM: ...with this book.

[GRAHAM passes the book to MORGAN. MORGAN looks at the cover.]

PAUL: Yes, with the information contained in that book...

MORGAN: (interrupting) The Book of Stan?

[A beat.]

GRAHAM: (holding the bridge of his nose) That's a typo.

PAUL: (sheepishly) We got about three hundred printed before we noticed. And... leather is really hard to... fix.

GRAHAM: (muttering) Yeah, uh... yeah... ba ba ba...

[GRAHAM points his finger at MORGAN.]

GRAHAM: (with renewed enthusiasm) Would you rather serve in Heaven or reign in Hell?

PAUL: Well... not 'reign' as such, but you-you would have power.

GRAHAM: Uhh, yes! You'd be MAD with power!

PAUL: Well, irate with power.

MORGAN: But isn't Hell supposed to be a place of eternal torment and damnation?

GRAHAM: That's OLD Testament Hell. Not many people know, but after Vatican II, Hell became kick-ass! We've got Galaga now!

PAUL: And Pong!

MORGAN: (shrugging) So... the pits of boiling blood?

GRAHAM: Jacuzzis!

MORGAN: The... feasting on the organs of the damned for all eternity?

PAUL: Weight loss plan!

MORGAN: The ugly snarling demons?

GRAHAM: Oh, now they're all hot nuns who don't wear any undies!

MORGAN: The fire and heat and brimstone and such?

GRAHAM: Think of it as a tropical, windswept paradise.

PAUL: Except it's not tropical.

GRAHAM: And... there's no wind.

PAUL: Actually, it's more like a sauna.

[MORGAN ruffles his collar uncomfortably.]

MORGAN: Speaking of saunas...

PAUL: You still get two weeks off at Christmas and Easter.

MORGAN: Why is that?

GRAHAM: Well, there's no point being open for business when your biggest competitor is out of the office.

PAUL: Yeah, besides, Christmas in Hell is great! Instead of turkey, we have doom!

MORGAN: ...doom?

GRAHAM: Well... grouse.

PAUL: Of doom! Which is way better than those preachy Christians have.

MORGAN: 'Course they're preachy! Wait, why are you guys even attacking the Christian Church? Isn't Satan a product of Christian teachings?

PAUL: Yes, but think of all the horrible ills they've committed against humankind.

GRAHAM: (counting on his fingers) The Spanish Inquisition, uh, the Crusades, the Popemobile...

[PAUL wiggles his fingers for emphasis.]

MORGAN: But... taking Satan out of the Christian context is like... yin without yang. It's just an image. Without Christianity, your perspective is groundless. You've reduced your religion to the simulacra.

[A long beat. PAUL and GRAHAM silently look at her. GRAHAM opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.]

GRAHAM: (finding his voice) Uh, uhhh, uhh... NO, it's not a simu... lation at all. And I should know, I used to be a Presbyterian before I recieved the call.

PAUL: (turning to face him) What?!

GRAHAM: I was a Presbyterian, and I felt the need to rebel.

PAUL: I'm Eastern Orthodox. WQe're rebelling for completely different reasons.

GRAHAM: What do you mean?

PAUL: I suppose you're rebelling against the "no socks on Wednesday" rule.

[PAUL emphasizes the quotes with finger gestures.]]

MORGAN: (contiuing to tug at his collar) Is it hot in here or what?

GRAHAM: What "no socks on Wednesday" rule?

PAUL: See? That's the fundamental differences in how we percieve Satan. To me, Satan has always been a nice pair of wooly socks on Hump Day. To you, it's probably all about the nuns without undies.

[A long pause.]

GRAHAM: Well, yeah, a bit.

MORGAN: See, without Christianity, religion is total bunk. It's just a way to express your displeasure. Get a hobby. Try macramé.

GRAHAM: (glumly) We tried macramé.

PAUL: (equally sullen) There was an accident.

[CUT TO a desaturated video of trees with screeching in the background. One second later, the shot returns to GRAHAM and PAUL on the couch, looking uncomfortable.]

MORGAN: I think you guys should go now.

GRAHAM: That's probably a good idea.

[GRAHAM and PAUL stand from the couch. MORGAN hands the Book of Stan back to GRAHAM.]]

GRAHAM: (very softly) Oh, yes. Thank you.

[GRAHAM walks off.]

PAUL: Hail Satan?

MORGAN: Good-bye.

[CUT TO GRAHAM and PAUL on the exterior of the house. Morgan closes the door and exits.]

GRAHAM: We'll put him down as a 'maybe.'

PAUL: (pointing) Good call.

GRAHAM: Yeah.

(beep)