A Butte Man Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump: A Butte Man
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where everything is delicious! I am fun granulated sugar, and joining me this week is Glucose-Fructose,
Cam: I'm an optically active metabolite of Sucrose!
Graham: And corn syrup!
Tally: I'm subsidized!
Graham: And together, we're both horrible for you AND DELICIOUS! So grab your spoons!
{TITLE: EVERYBODY GRAB YER SPOONS/NEWS}
Graham: A new documentary entitled "The Harry Hunters" follows the quest of five young British girls who desperately want Prince Harry to propose to them.
Cam: Oh! Harry as in the diminutive of Henry, not... like, hairy as in... my arms are really hairy. Your back is really hairy.
Tally: I can totally see that on reality television. Young women in their quest for hairy men.
Cam: And to think of all those scalds I got from waxing my own back.
Graham: The five girls the documentary focuses on, who rage in ange- range in ange.
Five girls in the documentary who range in age from 14 to 21 are shown checking out his favourite London nightspots, or tracking his movements on twitter, and this may just be a way to track down who his stalkers are.
Cam: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Fourteen?! Is Prince Harry gonna get a visit from that guy on "To Catch a Predator?"
Graham: I'm Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC. Mr. Windsor, Mr. Windsor, please, please take a throne. Please, take a throne, sir.
This went from weird to creepy to sad real quick. T-The sixteen year old quote "even has an engagement ring picked out."
Tally: OK, you know what these girls need. More homework!
Graham: A toddler in Australia lived the dream by crawling inside a toy vending machine and started handing toys out through the shoot.
Cam: Wow. Talk about a toddler's idea of omnipotence. And, really, kudos. I mean, handing out toys? Such sharing. Such grandeur. Such... graciousness and nobless. I salute you.
Tally: How did they get him out.
Cam: Well, with the claw. Their heads are large and still kind of soft.
Tally: What's the procedure here? Did they charge the kid? The parents? Can you imagine recovering stolen merchandise from a screaming two year old?
Cam: I don't envy the police trying to shake down a toddler for a plush.
{SHOT OF TALLY AND CAM. TALLY WEARS A POLICE OFFICER HAT. CAM IS CLUTCHING A FROGGY HAT}
Tally: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Now son, you have to give that back!
Cam: {CLUTCHING THE FROGGY HAT} But he gave it to me!
Tally: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} If he gave you syphilis, would you keep that?
Cam: Well, yeah, I mean, that's kind of the problem, right?
Graham: Over a thousand people competed this year to try and get the coveted golden shovel in the Japan All-National hole digging competition.
Tally: OK, so my question: if you're digging a hole in Japan, where are you digging a hole to? Because if you're digging a hole to China, and you're in Japan... not that impressive.
Cam: Also, the Chinese probably aren't that big on, like, you know, territorial sovereignty violations like that.
Tally: And what do you do with a golden shovel once you win it?
Cam: Dig substandard holes, if Minecraft is any indicator.
Graham: Apparently some teams went for creativity, carving funny shapes. Other teams went for depth-
{SHOT OF TALLY AND CAM. TALLY IS WEARING A YELLOW HARD HAT. CAM IS WEARING A SILVER HARD HAT. TALLY IS HOLDING A BINDER LIKE A CLIPBOARD}
Tally: {WEARING YELLOW HARD HAT} Frank, number 18 is using a very impressive double axle downward thrust there.
Cam: {WEARING SILVER HARD HAT} Yes, but his sloppy shovel technique will lose him points unless he learns to tighten it up a little better.
Tally: {WEARING YELLOW HARD HAT} {NODS} Hm...
Graham: Speaking of weird regional contests: Germany recently held its annual deer calling championship.
Cam: Well, if you want to see some real expertise all they need to do is come here and see what those fuckers have done to my azaleas.
Tally: I'm thinking that rather than imitate other deer, they should try imitating their food source. So like, our west coast hippie population would be really good at this, 'cause you stand there going, "swish, swish! I am the wind blown grass!" {WAVES HANDS}
Cam: {WHISPERING} And then, in a half-century old tradition, the Germans could collaborate with the Japanese hold-diggers to neatly sequester all our hippies underground...
Graham: The competitors are scored on their ability to imitate a red deer during mating season, specifically a young deer, a dominant rutting buck, and an older deer.
Cam: A dominant rutting buck? Honestly I see analogous behaviour downtown every weekend. {WEARING DOUCHEBAG WIG AND VISOR} {SMACKS CHEST} {IN BRO ACCENT} Come at me, brah!
Graham: When I read the phrase "an old deer," I just imagine, like, {IN OLD LADY VOICE} "Come here, you old dear! Come inside it's cold out there! I'm old!"
Briefly, I would like to thank the associated Press for starting this story on a man from Butt, Montana, with the phrase that looks like "A Butt-Man." {PAUSES} A Butte Man was fined a thousand dollars for instigating a police chase because he'd always wanted to try it.
Tally: I think that story's kind of a bummer. {OFFCAMERA GROANING}
Cam: Well, looks like Butte, Montana has finally found that long sought after tourist attraction. For the low cost of a thousand dollars, you can have reckless endangerment AND a police chase.
Tally: Gotta be good at something. I think it's good to follow your dreams! Want something and you chase that thing! Or you get that thing to chase you!
Cam: OK, well, I mean, in the Eudaimonia, everyone does what they're good at, right? So, and that keeps them happy so this guy always wanted to be in a car chase, maybe he's really good at instigating car chases? So maybe he's just like an expert shit-disturber? So... I guess we have a new Kanye.
Graham: The best part is that he managed to just have a chase, without the intervening crime. He just followed a police car for like, seven blocks, and then pulled a U-turn and sped away. And they were like, "SHIT! BETTER FOLLOW HIM!"
Cam: Well I guess the police always wanted to be involved in a high-speed car chase too!
{SHOT OF TALLY AND CAM WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAPS. CAM IS "DRIVING" WHAT LOOKS TO BE A SMALL TABLETOP}
Tally: {IN BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Fergus! The guy behind us just pulled a u-turn and sped off in the other direction!
Cam: {IN BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Hot dog! {THEY HIGH-FIVE}
Tally: {IN BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} {PULLS OUT HUGE RIFLE, PRIMES IT}
Cam: {IN BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} {SPINS WHEEL AROUND}
Tally: Everyone's happy!
Graham: Indonesia has tried desperately to get people to stop riding on top of their trains. And they've finally succeeded. By doing what? I'mma make you guess!
Cam: {TALLY LAUGHS OFF SCREEN} Oh, it's some- w- how would you keep someone off the top of a train?
Tally: Banning James Bond movies.
Cam: Lowering the height of tunnels.
Tally: Putting spikes in the tunnels.
Tally: {WEARING FROGGIE MONSTER HAT} Tunnel monsters!
Cam: Attaching Jean Rinout in a helicopter to the back of the train.
Tally: Rabid squirrels.
Cam: Freshly baked croissant in the dining car?
Tally: Coating the top of the train in butter!
Graham: Actually pretty close! They've achieved the most success previously by suspending grapefruit sized balls of concrete off of chains, but recently they've started throwing horrible goop on the top of the trains so that its one, unpleasant and two slippery. So... yeah. Rancid butter would probably be pretty close.
Tally: How is this not a television show on Nickelodeon?!
Cam: Oh my god they made death race but with trains! I played this game and it was awesome!
Like do you think like, do they clean the concrete balls, or are there, like, are there just like, {TALLY OFF SCREEN SAYS "Uggh!"} are there really really successful ones that have like, dried hair on them?
{PAN TO TALLY}
Tally: {DISGUSTED AND HORRIFIED} Oh no, honey I'm sure it's just tomato sauce dripping on the windows. Here, work on your colouring book.
{PAN TO CAM}
Cam: Could you imagine the noise when it comes through the top of the train?! {TALLY OFF SCREEN SAYS "AUGH!"} Like you'd just here like this "KA-" ah I can't even imagine it!
It would sound like a timpani full of hamburger!
Like, couldn't you just fence off the top of the train at the station with barbed wire instead of actively trying to murder the people?
Tally: I like how it says that they've tried everything. Did they REALLY try the rabid squirrels first?!
Cam: Listen, we've tried everything: both concrete balls on chains, AND coating it with noxious rancid grease. I don't see what else we have.
Graham: That got dark in a hurry! So, the next time you're riding on top of a train, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON TALLY'S GREEN AND PURPLE FROGGIE MONSTER HAT} this hat! 'Cause Tally made this hat!
Tally: {WEARING GREEN AND YELLOW FROGGIE MONSTER HAT} Rawr!
Graham: {WEARING TALLY'S GREEN AND PURPLE FROGGIE MONSTER HAT} Augh! Tunnel monster!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: {WEARING TALLY'S GREEN AND PURPLE FROGGIE MONSTER HAT PULLED DOWN OVER HIS EYES} {DOES A LITTLE DANCE} {TALLY LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
