Shots, Texts and Skis Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Shots, Texts and Skis

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are rejected crayon colors. I am Ultramarine ultramarine, so rejected for copyright concerns with the Games Workshop. Joining me this week is urine yellow,

Kathleen: Now I know what you're gonna say. Not rejected because of pee, rejected because it was gonna be "You're in yellow", but then of course they said it out loud and went "nope."

Graham: and smothering darkness black.

Alex: You can only get that shade by using 97% lead.

Graham: And we're all melting slowly.

{TITLE: OH GOD GRAHAM THAT'S THE SADDEST MENTAL IMAGE EVER. TELL MY CRAYON WIFE I LOVED HER! (SUBTITLE: OH THE HUMANITY!! WIZARD OF OZ, ETC.)}

Graham: You know what the latest trendy food craze is in Winnipeg? It's doing SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS OF olive oil.

Alex: {OFF SCREEN} What the fuck?!

{GRAHAM BREAKS}

Kathleen: And then, when all that olive oil goes through your system like a fucking rocket 'cos you're taking it straight, you'll have SHIT SHIT SHIT.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}

Alex: Everybody!

Alex and Kathleen: SHIT SHIT SHIT!

{SHOT OF JUST ALEX}

Alex: I think this is actually a smokescreen to deal with the rising popularity of billiard ball tasting.

Kathleen: Hoopitup, slapitdown!

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS HOLDING A BLUE-AND-WHITE "10" BILLIARD BALL AND AN ORANGE-AND-WHITE "13" BILLIARD BALL. KATHLEEN IS HOLDING A PURPLE "4" BILLIARD BALL.}

Alex: Mm yes, very robust.

Kathleen: They're all robust, they're pool balls.

Alex: Mm, exactly why I love them so much.

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} The olive oil industry is quote {READING} "one of the fastest growing segments of the global food industry, showing significant growth year after year", according to a May 2013 report by Olive Oil Market, an olive oil industry group.

Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} The Kathleen Romanian Princess Industry is the fastest growing Kathleen Romanian Princess Industry in the world right now, according to the Kathleen Romanian Princess Industry Magazine.

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} This article's talking about it like it's a wine tasting. {READING} "Through your nose, take a large sniff of the oil. Extra virgin olive oil has notes of earth, grass and herbs, which vary with variety. Take all the oil into your mouth, take a quick breath and immediately swallow, it should almost feel like you're slurping." That sounds disgusting!

Alex: {SINGING} Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and buy ourselves some press!

Graham: You know, we deride it, but the Prairie Oils and Vinegars oil-tasting bar that opened in November 2012 is still going strong.

Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} In conclusion, WHITE PEOPLE!

Graham: Citizens in the small town of Skagway, Alaska are of two minds about tourism. On the one hand, it's great income to the town. On the other hand, when four cruise ships come into town at the same time and are filled with tourists who want to get all up on the Twitters and post pictures to Instagram of how beautiful Alaska is, it basically takes Skagway's cellphone internet and makes it their bitch.

Alex: It's like a big fat guy just sitting up all in your internet pipes.

Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} My God, no, my internet. How will I send cat pictures to Instagram if all these tourists are sending cat pictures to Instagram? Ahhh!

Graham: {OFF SCREEN} Why are you still wearing that crown?

Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} Because I'M A PRINCESS!! {SULKS}

Graham: {READING FROM BLACK IPHONE} "Sometimes when I send texts to people, I have to send a text six or seven times over a thirty minute period before someone gets it," says the executive director of the city's convention and visitors bureau who, fun fact, is named Buckwheat Donahue.

Kathleen: {STILL WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} My God, my near instantaneous communication is not near instantaneous.

Graham: Now you say that, but, if this was actually happening to me, I would find it a colossal pain in the ass, so what I recommend they do is they get huge upgrades to their cellphone service, so that when the cruise ships are in town, it's fine. And then when the cruise ships aren't in town, they're all like {MIMES TEXTING ON PHONE} "I'm torrenting everything to my phone!"

Alex: I was gonna say, clearly they have all this tourism revenue, why doesn't Buckwheat invest it in some fatter pipes?

Kathleen: {STILL WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} That's right, Skagway, Alaska! Feed Dump has just solved all your problems. Take your tiny town of a thousand people that's normally fine and spend millions on infrastructure, so ten thousand entitled tourists can use your internet problem-free... for eight hours, when they are in town.

Alex: We don't fix anyone's problems.

Graham: {HAND FLOURISHES} Switzerland... typically neutral in the state of world affairs... have taken a stand against North Korea by refusing to export to them, ski lifts for a resort that Kim Jon Il wants to build. {FROWNS}

Kathleen: {STILL WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} That'll show 'em!

Alex: I don't know, that might actually be a bit of a big deal if Switzerland is as good at making ski lifts as they are at making watches.

Kathleen: {STILL WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} {IN EVIL FEMALE ACCENT} Oh ho ho, yes! We shall make the North Koreans fall to our cunning plan! We shall make them buy {HOLDS PINKY UP TO MOUTH} inferior ski lifts!

Alex: Oh, we can't get Swiss? It's not even worth doing now! Fuuuck.

Kathleen: {STILL WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} No ski resorts? Well, back to starving the peasants and throwing them at Gulags, I guess. Pfft! North Korea sucks.

Graham: The reason Kimmy Jongers wants to build this place- {OFF SCREEN BREAKING} {GRAHAM BREAKS}

Alex: {OFF SCREEN, LAUGHING} I'm sorry!

Graham: The reason Kimmy Jongers wants to build this place is twofold. One, um, because South Korea is hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics and of course, they want to show that they too can have a world class ski resort, and also, he studied in Bern, Switzerland so he's basically doing the Disneyland thing of "I want a Switzerland here."

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAPS. ALEX IS FACING KATHLEEN WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.}

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} South Korea gets the Winter Olympics?!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Why don't we have Winter Olympics?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} We could have Winter Olympics!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Build me a ski hill!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Swiss lifts!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Best of everything!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Show up South Koreans!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Then we have next Winter Olympics!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Glory to North Korea!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Um...

Graham: You know what, I'm just gonna put a stop to everything right now because I can. So, deal with it. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat. {PUTS ON BRIGHT ORANGE RONDEWITT COWBOY HAT} Which, apart from being ridiculous, has the brand name of Rondewitt, so. {IN RON DEWINGS VOICE} Hi! Ron Dewings here for Rondewitt. If you need ugly ass cowboy hats, we've got your head covered! Rondewitt. {SHAKES HEAD}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAPS AND HAVE THEIR ARMS FOLDED.}

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} South Korea gets Winter Olympics?!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} I want Winter Olympics!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} I want ski hill!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Give me ski hill!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Build ski hill!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Swiss everything!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} We'll show them!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Then we will have next Winter Olympics!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Or maybe we take it by force!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Yes.

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK AND RED POLICE? CAP} Mighty to glory to North Korea- dammit! {BREAKS}

{ALEX BREAKS}