Library Pee Sale Transcript
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, in honor of the gritty reboot of "Power Rangers" that nobody wanted, expected or asked for, I am the "Black Ranger". Black, like my heart. Joining me this week is the "Blue Ranger"...
Ash: You could tell he was the smart one 'cause he needed glasses.
Kathleen: ...and the lesser-known "Brown Ranger".
Ian: I'm non-canonical.
{TITLE: IT'S NOT A GRITTY REBOOT UNLESS IT SHOWS LOTS OF DEATH/NEWS (SUBTITLE: IT ALSO NEEDS LOTS OF SWEARS)}
Kathleen: Before we start the episode, a bit of sad Feed Dump news. Ash will remember Paul Bennett, the UK man who was caught saving sex with a mailbox. We're sad to report he has passed away. So a moment of silence before you watch this memorial montage. May he "Wow" in heaven.
{MONTAGE OF SHOTS OF THE MAN AND POST BOXES WITH SARAH McLACHLAN'S "I WILL REMEMBER YOU" IN THE BACKGROUND. IT IS SUDDENLY STOPPED BY A TEST PATTERN.}
Kathleen: Authorities in Houston, Texas finally tracked down a serial car thief after they found his phone in an abandoned truck. The phone contained a video of him singing the Drake song "How About Now".
Ian: So that's six counts of "grand theft auto" and one count of "unauthorized karaoke".
Ash: Well, in the words of "Drizzy" himself: "Oh, you thought you had it all figured out back then...but how about now?"
Ian: I keep wanting to make jokes about the lyrics but I'm getting tripped up by other "whiter" songs with similar titles. Like, Van Halen's seminal hit, "Right Now".
Kathleen: Oh, yes...the anthem for Crystal Pepsi, the whitest song in the universe.
{CLIP OF A CRYSTAL PEPSI COMMERCIAL WITH "RIGHT NOW" SHOWN BRIEFLY}
Kathleen: Also how white is it that white people don't even...{WORD ABOVE KATHLEEN: SERIOUSLY; WORDS BELOW: EVERYONE IN THAT COMMERCIAL IS WHITE}...want to drink dark-colored soda?! We're so racist!
Ian: In my head-canon, he had a different song for every theft he did. And one of them WAS "Right Now".
Ash: Or "Running With the Devil". That sounds super-appropriate for car theft.
Kathleen: I think my personal car theft anthem would be Slayer's "Rain and Blood". Not for any particular reason. I just think I'd wanna drive fast while I was listening to it.
Ian: Y'know, it wasn't a STOLEN car but, if you're going with car chases, I'd have to go with Prince Philip and say "Candle In the Wind". {WORDS BELOW IAN: OH SNAP!}
Ash: Well, mine would be "Mr. Roboto" by Styx. But, getting back on point, if you're going to steal a fucking car, don't leave your goddamn PHONE in it, ya idiot!!
Kathleen: Police in Florida arrested a man after he pissed on a bunch of books in a public library.
Ash: Good! That seems like it should be against the law! {TO KATHLEEN} Why is this on Feed Dump?!
Kathleen: {TO ASH} That's not something that happens every day! I've NEVER thought to myself, "Man, I really need to go. Y'know where? Between the stacks! Nobody'll notice!"
Ash: You haven't?
Ian: If you're in section 649.62 of the Dewey Decimal System, it's actually appropriate!
Ash: I'm just gonna pray that that's the section where they keep "Fifty Shades of Gray".
Kathleen: {TO ASH} I think if you're LOOKING for "Fifty Shades of Gray", the appropriate place to look is the TRASH!
Oh, yeah, so edgy! Go, me!
Ash:' Is there a...follow-up to this one at all? Was he peeing on a PARTICULAR book? Did the book kill his father or something? Was he singing a song while he was doing it?
Kathleen: No. He was just...really high on drugs. Y'know,...like you are when you decide you're gonna piss in a library.
Ash: {DISAPPOINTED} A'ight...uh,...moving on...
Kathleen: Canadian Member of Parliament Pat Martin offered up a very interesting excuse why he had to leave the House of Commons during an important vote: his underpants were too tight.
Basically, he "peaced out" right as the vote was beginning and everybody's like, "Why did you go?" And he was, like, "Uh, I bought these cheap underpants at the store and they were, like, pinch ma nads. So I had to go get rid of them," I guess. I guess he was just freeballin' the rest of the session.
Ash: Well, I'm sure Ian will confirm this but everyone knows you can't hold a vote unless everybody's balls has sufficient enough space to breathe. Come on!
Ian: Either that or he was just being tactful. And he can't govern a nation without getting a raging erection. I know I can't.
Ash: ANOTHER thing everybody knows.
Kathleen: Oh, man. I'm changing my car theft anthem now from Slayer to a parody version of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" called "Freeballin'"! {STARTS TO SING} 'Cause I'm freeeeeeeeee....freeballin'!
Ian: Oo, my, too! But I'm gonna go with Macklemore! "Walk into the House of Commons like, 'Waddup? I got a big caucus!'"
Ash: Well, at least we know we have an honest politician in there somewhere. Because everyone ELSE in their right mind would've just said, "I have to go to the bathroom." How did this guy get elected?!?
Ian: I'm glad that he didn't just "whip it out" and start peeing all over the bill. Because THAT would be a violation of Parliamentary Procedure. You have to TABLE that first.
Kathleen: Yeah, I'm with Ash on this one. I'm not sure which is more embarrassing: telling people your underpants are too tight or or just telling people you had to take a massive "triple coiler".
{SHOT OF BOTH ASH AND IAN}
Ian: Speaking as a male who was raised in rural Alberta, both those things are a point of pride.
Ash: {DISGUSTED} What?!
Ian: {HALF-WHISPERING} It means I have big genitals.
Ash: I don't believe you!
{IAN STARTS TO RISE AS IF TO SHOW OFF...BUT IT CUTS QUICKLY TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: OK, I'm gonna leave it right there before Ian decides to {FINGER QUOTES} "prove his manhood". But, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't bring in novelty Tom Petty rewrites (I bet you've NEVER heard that "Freeballin'" joke before)...but, more importantly, they don't have this hat...which is actually a cloak. {PUTS ON RED CONICAL CLOAK WITH GOLD TRIM THAT REACHES OVER KATHLEEN'S SHOULDERS} Wait, wait, wait, I'll get there. {FINISHES PUTTING IT ON} I'm so Eldritch.
Ian: You look like an inflamed foreskin!
Kathleen: YOU look like an inflamed foreskin!! Wait no don't show me okay bye!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{CUT BACK TO CLOSING SCENE}
Kathleen: ...there may be better sources for news but they don't tell you about novelty Tom...Petty...rewrites...{CHUCKLES A LITTLE AT HOW HARD THAT WAS TO SAY, THEN TALKS SLOW} Tooommm Peeeeettyyyy re-wriiiiitessss...{CHUCKLES AS IAN LAUGHS} Don't know why I slowed down there.
