Death Coaster Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Death Coaster {FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where up is down, and down is under. I'm a wallaby, joining me this week is a koala,

Kathleen: I'm stoned on eucalyptus, man!

Graham: And a dingo!

Andy: I didn't touch your goddamn baby, Meryl Streep!

Graham: And we're all gonna go and hang out with the kangaroos.

{HANG OUT WITH THE KANGAROOS/NEWS}

Graham: Now we've all heard of the octopus from Germany that predicted the World Cup of soccer, but have you heard of the camel from New Jersey who predicted the Super Bowl? You have now!

Kathleen: From New Jersey? You think the camel is DTF?

Andy: {IN JERSEY ACCENT} Hey Bobby, come here! I've got a hot tip from one of those dormitories, says the Giants are gonna win Sunday. Yeah, you got, you got two of them, right, so that's like, twice the, eh, whatsit? Yeah, I hate Jersey Shore too.

Graham: {IN JERSEY ACCENT} No, no, Tony, no, no no, a dormitory's only got one hump. You were talkin' to a carmel.

Kathleen: Feed Dump: bridging gaps between Canada and New Jersey.

Graham: A strip club in South Africa has introduced a line of fragrances called "Alabi." For men who don't want to go home smelling like booze and strippers.

{READING FROM IPAD} "My car broke down," with the scent of fuel, burnt rubber, grease, and steel. "We were out sailing," with the scent of fresh ocean spray, sea salt, aqua, and cotton rope. And "I was working late," with hints of coffee, cigarettes, ink, and wool suits.

Kathleen: The problem is that's not going to help if your breath still smells like a hooker's vagina.

Andy: Might work, I met a stripper once whose vagina smelt like a tire fire.

Graham: Even if you weren't having to cover up for anyone, some of these just legitimately sound more pleasant than booze and strippers. The faint smell of cheap perfume and desperation.

Kathleen: Right, because it's so much better to smell like cheap perfume and desperation but have it masked by the smell of cheap cologne that's trying to smell like the ocean.

Andy: Honey, I swear I was out sailing and I lost all my singles! Some really hot manatees out there.

Kathleen: Yeah, uh, my car broke down, so that's why I went out and got smashed and why you'll see a three hundred dollar bill from Hooker Barn on our credit card statement.

Graham: {WEARING BLACK COWBOY HAT} {IN TEXAN ACCENT} Howdy partner! Come on down to Hooker Barn for all your prostitution needs! Now servin' some of the finest ribs in town! Combine 'em both for our rib and rim job combo!

{WEARING BLACK COWBOY HAT} {IN TEXAN ACCENT} Attention customers of the rib and rim job combo. Hooker Barn is not responsible for any barbeque sauce gettin' quote "up in ther."

{WITHOUT HAT} The newest roller coaster in England which advertises "gut wrenching inversions" and "terrifying near misses" may want to rethink that after test dummies lost limbs on the test run.

Andy: {THROWS ARMS UP, SHOUTS} Aaaaay! {LOOKS DOWN AT HANDS, SCREAMS} Auuuugh!

Kathleen: Now as horrific as that sounds, if it doesn't kill you, it is technically a near miss, I mean, you can live after the traumatic loss of limb.

Graham: Come for the gut-wrenching inversions, stay for the phantom limb pain.

Andy: This isn't all that surprising really, I mean more people are killed every year by roller coasters than sharks.

Kathleen: Roller coasters: the neither silent nor surprising killer. Who would design a roller coaster like this on purpose?

Andy: {WEARING BLACK BERET} {IN FRENCH ACCENT} It must be taller! It must- NO! JACQUE! Do not argue with me! Don't make me toss a baguette into your mouth from... face! Is terrim- NO! Ici! Asi! Asi vu mon. Ce le con, et coni turont TAKE ZE SPIKE, WITH MORE SPIKES! {ACCENT CHANGES TO GERMAN?} Why aren't there more spikes! There's a lot less fire then was in the blueprint! Don't argue with me Jacque! No! I don't care what the fire department says! They're all English! They're t- Why am I German?! I'm German now? {LAUGHING} It's like I'm become German! What the hell is happening to me?! It's the shouting! The shouting does it! The shouting makes me very German. VIZ GATROL! Ze French don't shout, they have no need to, it's alright!

Graham: Why just quit smoking, when you can quit smoking AND earn yourself a world record! Specifically, the world record for largest ball of chewed gum.

Kathleen: Because you have friends and real hobbies!

Andy: {SINGING} Double your pleasure! Double your lockjaw! It's the statement of the great-mint- {STOPS SINGING} this is actually Nicorette.

Kathleen: I hate to ask this, 'cause I know I don't really wanna know the answer, but how big is this ball of revolting pre-chewed gum.

Graham: I'm glad you asked! It weighs seventy-nine kilograms and has a circumference of a hundred and fifty seven centimetres.

{SHOT OF ANDY AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH, ANDY IS HOLDING THE IPAD}

Andy: Kathleen, remember the last time you threw up?

Kathleen: Y-uhhhh, yeah, I was real drunk.

Andy: You were really drunk? How drunk were you.

Kathleen: Pretty drunk.

Andy: Oh yeah? {SHOWS HER ON IPAD}

Kathleen: {CLASPS HAND TO MOUTH, GAGS} Bawwwwggggg! {GAGS}

Andy: {LAUGHING} Look how pale green it is!

Kathleen: {LAUGHS AND GAGS}

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} Why does it look like it has veins?

Andy: {HOLDING UP IPAD} Bleeding... pulsating, actually. It's throbbing.

Kathleen: I am not joking, this is literally nausea-inducing.

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} OK, put it away.

Andy: {HOLDING UP IPAD} It kinda makes me smile!

Kathleen: It's like a katamari of filth and saliva.

Graham: Let's see how long Kathleen can hold the camera steady while I describe the process. {READS FROM IPAD} Warm up the smaller chewed pieces of gum in a sauna. Liberally spray with water to keep it malleable. {CAMERA STARTS SHAKING} Pick up the goop and play with it. Take the semi-melted gum and carry it to the kitchen. {CAMERA IS SHAKING VIOLENTLY}

Kathleen: {OFFCAMERA} AUGH HA HA HO!

Graham: Just like play-doh, start blending it with the rest of the mass. {CAMERA IS SHAKING MORE VIOLENTLY}

Kathleen: AAAUGH HUGH {DRY HEAVES, LAUGHS} {GRAHAM IS LAUGHING}

Graham: Keep it warm and pliable with a hair dryer. {GRAHAM IS CRACKING UP}

Kathleen: {MORE HEAVING AND LAUGHING} No more! No more!

Graham: {LAUGHING} She's not faking this.

Andy: Why would you put it together in the kitchen you eat food there! Food that you should not be near that thing! {SCREAMING} Aaaaaoooogh! Nooooo!

Graham: I think we're gonna call it there, so from the other marsupials and I, throw another stereotype on the barbie for us. Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON METAL SOLDIER HELMET} this totally not Australian hat. Still. {KNOCKS ON HELMET WITH FIST THREE TIMES} Resonant.

{CUT TO KATHLEEN, RECORDING ON A WEBCAM FROM HER HOME. SHE'S WEARING HEADPHONES}

Kathleen: {WEARING HEADPHONES} The observant Feed Dump viewer may have noticed that we repeated that hat. That was our mistake. So, I have prepared this substitute for you. Remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RED FEZ} this hat! Because I just took it from Alex so we would have it.

Alex: {OFF CAMERA, IN THE DISTANCE} HEY!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM, WEARING THE METAL SOLDIER HELMET, KNOCKING ON THE HELMET RHYTHMICALLY WITH HIS FISTS}

Kathleen: {OFFCAMERA} I'm gonna stop now.

{GRAHAM LOOKS SAD}