Live Birth Webcast Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Live Birth Webcast
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are being slowly digested. I'm Graham, a goal tender. Joining me this week is a centre forward,
Kathleen: Can I be on the same line as Kessler? Rawr!
Graham: and an open side flanker.
Kate: Graham, that's rugby. You know nothing about sports.
Graham: Well, you don't know anything about your stupid face. Sisters. And now let's tally our views!
{TITLE: TIME TO TALLY OUR VIEWS/NEWS}
Graham: Some day I hope to have children, and when I'm giving birth, I don't think I want two thousand people watching me. Certainly not random strangers on the internet. But a woman in Ottawa did that on Sunday. Live birth webcast.
Kate: Live birth webcast. Those words should never be in the same sentence together. Ever.
Kathleen: Unless that sentence is "In no circumstances will I ever be broadcasting a live birth webcast."
Kate: Fact.
Kathleen: I suppose this is like the next level of exhibitionism. When Tina Tequila can't get views on whatever the fuck she is doing a- for whatever the freakout she's having at the time, she like, "maybe if I just splay out my vagina and fire a ham out of it, people will pay attention to me."
Kate: Well, you've completely put me off ham, so. Thank you for that.
Graham: So a baby comes into the world through the grace of webcam voyeurism, but her other kid isn't screwed up enough yet, so she's gonna let the two year old cut the cord.
Kate: {MIMES HOLDING UP A CHORD TO HER MOUTH, CHOMPS}
Graham: The police in the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador are criticizing moose hunters for not bothering to get out of their car while hunting moose. Not only is this illegal, but as the RCMP sergeant puts it {READING} quote "extremely lazy."
Kathleen: Well it's not sporting! Unless you're going to give the moose a nice warm car to sit in while you're shooting at it, it's completely unfair.
Graham: {WEARING BLACK MULLET WIG AND HUNTING JACKET, HOLDING GUN} {IN HILLBILLY ACCENT} I've upholstered my pickup in camo pattern so I can still blend in while sitting in comfort.
Kate: Well if you get to sit around in a beater pickup truck listening to Metallica, shouldn't the moose get to as well? It's only fair.
Kathleen: That's why I've started my new charity, "Kathleen's Moose Outreach," where I'm gonna find every single moose in northern BC and furnish them with a mullet wig and a copy of Metallica’s black album on cassette tape, because we're not fancy here at Moose Outreach. So they can experience the same privileges the hunters get to experience. Send your checks directly to me.
Graham: I don't think the moose need help reaching out. They're huge. Maybe give them some Kevlar.
Kathleen: Do you know of any other charitable organizations that are providing moose with cassette tapes of Metallica? No! I don't think so! This is a niche that needs to be filled... by sending me money.
Kate: {WHISPERING} I think there's a reason for that.
Graham: {WEARING BLACK MULLET WIG AND HUNTING JACKET, HOLDING GUN} {IN HILLBILLY ACCENT} Oh! I see one, don't slow down too fast, you might spill my double double. {TAKES SIP OF COFFEE CUP}
{REGULAR CLOTHES} South Korean stem cell scientist Hwang Woo-suk, who this article claims is "disgraced" has apparently cloned coyotes. So... a- un, un-dist, unscraced? D-re-scraced? Graced? Dis-d-disgraced, so he would be... {KATHLEEN, OFF CAMERA, "GRACED"} he'd be graced! I guess. Now. Maybe. I dunno.
Kathleen: Why is he cloning coyotes?
Graham: {READING FROM IPAD} The Sooam biotech research foundation said that eight coyotes were born in June as part of its efforts to clone various species of animals.
Kathleen: Why are they not cloning pandas?! The only creature on earth too stupid to fuck other pandas! Those are animals that need to be cloned! Coyotes have no problem reproducing! Priorities!
Kate: Pandas are also super cute.
Kathleen: That's a really good point. He would have never been disgraced if he had like, just started out his cloning with a pile of baby pandas. He'd be like, "hey guys, I've done some illegal cloning!" "That's terrible!" "I cloned this pile of pandas!" "That's WONDERFUL!"
Graham: Uh, the disgrace is actually related to being convicted on embezzling charges related to his quote "elaborately faked research in 2009." So.
Kate: {PENSIVE} Hm.
Kathleen: I bet if he had a said it was to clone baby pandas, people still would have been OK with it.
Graham: Girl Scouts in the USA are doing away with the fashion, fitness, and makeup badge, because it's old fashioned. Scouts Canada have similar old fashioned badges they're considering retiring. But what to replace it with? Here to comment is a new segment we call Kate and Kathleen dispense horrible advice.
{TITLE: SHE'S KATE! SHE'S KATHLEEN! SHE GIVES BAD ADVICE! SHE'S NOT MUCH BETTER! IT'S KATHLEEN & KATE GIVE HORRIBLE ADVICE (IN THE VOICEOVER, IT'S "KATE & KATHLEEN")}
{SHOT OF KATE AND KATHLEEN, BOTH ARE WEARING TOP HATS}
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} First of all, top hats? Totally for this season.
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} So in. SO in.
{JUST KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} I think they should bring in a badge for menstruation, because everyone's gonna get it eventually, so it's like an achievement! Everyone's gonna feel good, unless they're intersex, and then they have problems other than getting girl guide badges.
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} I think they should have a badge for casual racism, 'cause like, when you see someone and you're thinking it, but you don't actually say it, you're kind of like, hmmm. Them.
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} They need a vajazzling badge! It's an art! It's a craft! It's a skill, and it's kinda like replacing that makeup badge, but with something more appropriate for today's youth.
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} I think they need a duckface badge, because, I mean, they're doing it on facebook anyways, it might as well, you know. {DOES DUCKFACE}
Graham: Thank you ladies, that was... surprisingly more horrible than I thought your advice could be.
{SHOT OF KATE AND KATHLEEN, BOTH WEARING TOP HATS, BOTH DOING DUCKFACE AND GIVING A THUMBS UP}
Graham: Terrrrrific. Well, that's IT for Feed Dump this week, until next time, please remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RED GRADUATION HAT} this hat! Because they never graduated from sexy high school! Normal high school {HOLDS UP BLACK GRADUATION HAT}: lame. {POINTS TO RED GRADUATION HAT} New hotness! {MAKES DUCKFACE}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: {PUTS ON RED GRADUATION HAT} {MAKES NOISE LIKE DONALD DUCK} {OFF SCREEN LAUGHTER} {CONTINUES TO MAKE NOISE LIKE DONALD DUCK} {LAUGHS}
