Facebook Girlfriend Transcript
Feed Dump Transcript- Facebook Girlfriend
{LRR Logo}
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're a team. {PUTS ON HARD HAT} I'm an engineer, joining me this week is a scout,
Kathleen: I'm cold, so I'm wearing my jacket.
Graham: {WEARING HARD HAT} and a heavy.
Alex: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} {IN RUSSIAN ACCENT} Put dispenser here!
Graham: {WEARING HARD HAT} Right.... We're playing payload, and we have a bomb to diffuse. Technically you move it but... just go with it.
{TITLE: WE'VE GOT A BOMB TO DEFUSE/NEWS}
Graham: For as little as five dollars, the staff at Girlfriend Hire will pretend to be YOUR facebook girlfriend!
Alex: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} You just sounded dumb right up until you said facebook girlfriend, and then it just was like {BLOWS RASPBERRY WHILE MIMING A GRAPH DROPPING OFF SHARPLY}
Kathleen: I actually have to admit I've already kind of broken a cardinal rule of Feed Dump in that I already read this story and so I know what it's about. Although I still don't see why anybody would DO this! I mean, your friends are gonna be able to tell. It's just dumb.
Alex: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} I would posit that the kind of person who would pay for this service does not have any genuine friends and is just trying to impress the internet.
Kathleen: Struck down by logic again.
Alex: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} WHACHAAAAAA! {KARATE CHOPS}
That's my secret logic chop. It like, crits for about a million.
Graham: {HOLDING UP IPAD} Wait you know the story already? Alright, well you do this then.
Alex: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} Wait, what?!
Kathleen: {SITTING IN GRAHAM'S CHAIR} Mm, it's so squishy up here! So anyhow, for your five dollars, you get a girl not only pretending to be your girlfriend on facebook, but she'll also send you text messages to your phone.
Graham: {SITTING WHERE KATHLEEN WAS ON THE SOFA} How does that come up in conversation?
{SHOT OF ALEX AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING THE DOUCHEBAG WIG AND VISOR, GRAHAM IS WEARING THE LONG BRUNETTE WIG. BOTH ARE LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES}
Alex: {WEARING DOUCHEBAG WIG AND VISOR} {IN BRO VOICE} Oh hey bro, {LEANS OVER ON TOP OF GRAHAM} my REAL GIRLFRIEND actually sent me a REAL TEXT MESSAGE from the REAL INTERNET where she's REALLY MY GIRLFRIEND and she actually sent this message to my PHONE. And, and... I have a girlfriend.
Graham: {WEARING LONG BRUNETTE WIG} I believe you!
Kathleen: And now that I'm in the command chair we're going to play a new game called "Holy Shit! Guess that Number: Price is Right Style!"
Graham: {OFF SCREEN} We totally did this!
Kathleen: Nope! We're doing my version now! Which is better, and also has swears in it!
{TITLE: HOLY SHIT! GUESS THAT NUMBER PRICE IS RIGHT-STYLE (Alex: ALSO, SHIT) (Graham: 'CAUSE THERE'S SWEARING NOW, APPARENTLY) (Alex: ASS!)}
Kathleen: So! The closest without going over, how many men have signed up for accounts on this site?
{SHOT OF ALEX AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING THE RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT}
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} One dollar, Bob!
Graham: {LOOKS AT HIM} Have you never seen the Price is Right? Two dollars. I win.
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} You son of a bitch! {MOVES TO PUNCH GRAHAM}
{SHOT OF JUST GRAHAM}
Graham: But seriously, like... I dunno, it's probably like three thousand or something.
I hope it's not more.
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} Sixty-nine sixty-nine?
Graham: Five.
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} One that's being redacted.
Graham: The cube root of three point six million.
{SUBTITLE: (153.261886)}
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} I can make up numbers, too! BLEEN!
Kathleen: {READING FROM IPAD} Sixteen hundred men have signed up for accounts with the site. So I'm afraid the correct answer goes to George Carlin, with Bleen.
Graham: Do they know it's sixteen hundred men? There could be some desperate weird lesbians out there.... It's unlikely but it's possible.
Alex: {WEARING RED MILITARY DICTATOR HAT} Or just a bunch of straight girls who really want attention.
Kathleen: With Father's Day right around the corner, it's great to hear the tale of the Tennessee man who fathered thirty children with eleven different wives, who's now saying he needs a break on his child support payments.
Alex: I'd say he needs a break on his vas deferens.
Graham: How did he get to thirty kids before he realized he couldn't support them?! Like, seven seems tough.
I think this guy should be shamed on a level equal to the super moms. And to them you say, "It's a vagina, not a clown car." We need to come up with a related term for this guy. So far I've only got "It's a penis not a sperm bank," but that's not great.
Alex: {HOLDING COAXIAL CABLE UP TO HIS TEMPLE} The internet is telling me nobody asked him to repopulate Tennessee. There are people living there already.
{STILL HOLDING COAXIAL CABLE UP TO HIS TEMPLE} Now the Internet's sending me nude photos of Scarlett Johansson. No wait it's a virus. {FALLS OVER}
Graham: Aha! I was looking up agricultural implements. "It's a penis, not a seed drill!" {NODS} There we go.
Kathleen: So anyhow, father of the year Desmond Hatchet. Uh... the state takes half of his paycheck and then divides it up amongst his eleven baby mamas. One of which gets a dollar forty-nine a month because he makes minimum wage.
Alex: Why does that not surprise me even a little bit?
Graham: It's not really surprising that he only has a minimum wage job. It's hard to go to school and learn a trade when you spend all your time fucking.
Kathleen: Alright hipster, shave off your damn beards, because somebody's beaten you to it. Ram Singh Chauhan of India has the world's longest moustache. It's fourteen feet long. You literally cannot step to that.
Alex: But you can... step on it.
Graham: Yeah, 'cause you say fourteen foot moustache and all I hear is tripping hazard.
Like, my moustache, right now, is actually too long for me. It, it gets in my mouth and is bothering me at this length. Fourteen feet? I would just go mad.
Alex: I think at that length it would get in other people's mouths and bother them.
Graham: I think at over ten feet they do become autonomous.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA, GRAHAM HAS HIS ARM UP TO HIS FACE LIKE A BIG MOUSTACHE. HIS ARM STARTS TO WIGGLE OVER TOWARD ALEX}
Alex: {BATS IT AWAY} I dun wannaaaa.
Kathleen: British Olympian Jessica Ennis is a little disappointed because after thinking she had racked up a career best for the 100m hurtles, organizers discovered they had screwed up and only put out nine hurtles instead of ten.
Graham: How does that happen?! Doesn't someone say, "hey Dave, we have a couple more left over hurtles than we usually do! Is that weird?"
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} I don't care if she paid to get in or not, she deserves a refund.
Graham: That's like forgetting to put out third base. By the way, putting out third base... {MAKES OK SIGN}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} You know I've noticed that everybody has a different opinion on what like, third base constitutes, like all the sexual bases.
Graham: I would say that a generally accepted breakdown of the bases, obviously home base is actual penetrative sex, so first I believe is intended to be kissing or heavy making out, second is like, feeling each other up, and third I believe is oral sex, but, moving with the times, maybe kissing is not so impressive anymore, meaning that first base is like, grabbin' boob, second base is oral, and then third I guess is just anal fisting.
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} I always thought it went hand whammies, mouth whammies, and then just whammies whammies. Like, with like a rubber foot on a chain? {KATHLEEN LAUGHS OFF SCREEN} Which I actually saw in a shop once.
{QUICK PAN TO GRAHAM}
Graham: WHAT?! You did not.
{QUICK PAN BACK TO ALEX}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} I did absolutely see that.
{QUICK PAN BACK TO GRAHAM}
Graham: A rubber foot on a chain?!
{QUICK PAN BACK TO ALEX}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} A rubber foot on a chain.
{QUICK PAN BACK TO GRAHAM}
Graham: For what- for what dark purpose?!
{QUICK PAN BACK TO ALEX}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} {MIMES SWINGING RUBBER FOOT ON A CHAIN INTO SOMETHING}
Graham: {OFF SCREEN} WHAT?!
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} It was right next to the rubber desert eagle!
{QUICK PAN BACK TO GRAHAM}
Graham: Whaaaa {STARTS LAUGHING, KATHLEEN IS LAUGHING OFF SCREEN, THE CAMERA IS SHAKING DUE TO HER LAUGHTER}
{QUICK PAN BACK TO ALEX}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} I'm not making this up! I'm serious! Like I was like, and I was like, "I'm afraid to ask, but like, what is that for," it's like "oh yeah, some guys like to play Dirty Harry." I'm like, {MAKES WEIRD FACE}
{SLOW PAN TO GRAHAM}
Graham: Is that so can mug the cervix?!
Kathleen: Alright, I think that's just about enough of that, and I would like to apologize for the shaky back and forth during that unscripted exchange, I was in a Paul Greengrass phase. So, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON ADORABLE RAINBOW UNICORN EARFLAP HAT} THIS HAT! Which is the cutest hat we had in our queue. {SMILES} {STARTS SINGING BADLY} Always! I want to be with you, {STARTS DANCING} make believe with you, and be in harmony harmony OH AAAAAAAHHLWAYS I WANT TO BE WITH YOU MAKE BELIEVE-
Alex: {OFF SCREEN} Look out! Star!
Kathleen: {MIMES EXPLODING}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Alex: {WEARING FEZ} I was actually going to tell the guy that, you know, strictly speaking Dirty Harry actually used a 44 magnum, and not a 50 calibre, and that he was a casual, but I just left.
