Girls Dump Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Girls Dump
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Kate: Welcome to Girl Dump, where we are now open twenty-four hours! I'm Kate, and I'm the sassy one, with me this week we have Kathleen,
Kathleen: I'm the sassy one!
Kate: and LeeLee.
LeeLee: And I'm the sassy one!
Kate: Look, we can't all be the sassy one.
Kathleen: That's what YOU think!
Kate: No! No! That was sassy, and that is now allowed. Let's just get straight to the Boobs.
{TITLE: LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE BOOBS/NEWS}
Kate: A man from Yellowknife is trying to petition his local city council to get ice cream trucks to stop playing music, simply because it annoys him.
Kathleen: Is... is that all it takes?! My god! I've been wasting years of my life! I could be sending useless petitions to city council to get them to outlaw children! Because they're annoying too.
LeeLee: Yeah, and that would be great, because then there wouldn't be any lines to get the ice cream.
But how would you know the ice cream was coming?
Kathleen: He didn't say outlaw all noise that ice cream trucks make, just the songs, he finds them annoying. So, maybe the ice cream trucks just go {IN MONOTONOUS VOICE} "ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream" in like, a super monotonous tone, like I think that would be like, not annoying to anyone.
{SHOT OF LEELEE READING A COPY OF "MINI LONDON A TO Z"}
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN, QUIETLY, GETTING PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER} Ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream {SHE APPEARS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN, WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream.
{KATHLEEN SLOWLY MOVES INTO SHOT UNTIL SHE'S RIGHT NEXT TO LEELEE'S FACE}
LeeLee: Oh. Well, I guess the ice cream truck is here. {CLOSES BOOK, GOES TO GET UP}
Kate: Vancouver-based web store "The Cheeky" is selling a new ring that is engraved on the inside so that when you take it off, there's an impression on your finger that says "I'm Married."
Kathleen: While I respect The Cheeky for trying to invent a ring that's uncomfortable while on and off, I really don't think this is gonna get the job done. I mean, the issue being if you are the kind of person who's inclined to cheat and you're going to take your wedding ring off to cheat, the wedding ring is already gonna say I'm married. Just the imprint on your finger that says "I'm Married," and you'd be like, "yeah!"
LeeLee: I mean in all honesty it doesn't sound very permanent. Like I get marks like that on my rings, they just go away after like, ten minutes. Unless like, this thing is... super glued to your hand or something.
Kathleen: OK, so we've all agreed that this ring is kinda stupid idea. So, let's improve on the execution, with a new segment we're calling "It's SUPER EFFECTIVE! with Kathleen, LeeLee, and Kate.
{TITLE: I WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE YOUR IDEA IS DUMB SUPER EFFECTIVE/POKEMON OH S-...super effective}
Kathleen: Same ring, just get it red hot when you put it on, so it physically brands the words "I'm Married" into the person's finger. Also, probably chars the skin on their knuckle to like, maybe third degree burns, maybe second, uh, but, but: super effective.
LeeLee: A ring that when you put it on, it actually gets screwed into your finger so if you want to take off that ring, you're gonna have to take a finger with you. Super effective.
Kathleen: Beautiful, tasteful plain wedding ring, underneath: a tattoo that says "I'm Married, No Seriously." So, you know. Super effective.
LeeLee: So, a ring that's also has a chain that's attached to your nipples so that if you wanna take out a ring... there's gonna be more than one that's coming out. Super effective.
Kathleen: Perfectly normal ring, but paired with a three year long program of increasingly harsh positive conditioning so just the thought of pulling a ring off makes the person burst into tears and go flaccid. Super effective. {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER}
Kate: I have another great idea. Uh... don't cheat on your fuckin' wife. Super effective!
A man in Tennessee was getting all ready to go on a road trip with his friends and his two kids, went inside to grab his change for gas, came back out to find that he had been left behind.
LeeLee: And they all went straight to Vegas.
Kathleen: Left behind, kidnapping...
But, but seriously. That guy's friend kidnapped his kids.
Are the kids old enough to drive? Or were they just like, "let's leave my dad behind because he totally doesn't want us to swallow this cocaine?" It's still probably kidnapping.
LeeLee: How do you not notice when someone is missing like that? Like... don't you think they would have taken a head count?
{SHOT OF LEELEE AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. LEELEE WEARS A STAR TREK CAP, KATHLEEN WEARS A BROWN CAP, TURNED SIDEWAYS. BOTH LOOK BORED}
Kate: {OFFSCREEN, IN ZEALOUS VOICE} Alright kids, road trip time! Bobby?
LeeLee: {WEARING STAR TREK CAP} Here.
Kate: {OFFSCREEN, IN ZEALOUS VOICE} Ricky?
Kathleen: {WEARING BROWN CAP} Yeaaaaah.
Kate: {OFFSCREEN, IN ZEALOUS VOICE} Dave?
Kathleen: {WEARING BROWN CAP} He's probably asleep.
Kate: {OFFSCREEN, IN ZEALOUS VOICE} Awright let's go!
Kate: Now this guy's sensible first reaction was to call the phone...
Call someone who had a phone in the van, only realizing that his phone was left in the van as well. After calling it several times and nobody picking up, he decided to hop on his computer and facebook. And that is how he found them.
Kathleen: So he tracked him down via facebook and not say, by the police, the service you typically contact when your children have been taken away?
Kate: Actually, Kathleen, it turns out he did call the police, but they couldn't really do shit. So facebook turned out to be his only answer.
LeeLee: As it is for most people.
Kathleen: OK, I'm glad everything got like, sorted out, but I just have a question, like, how cavernous is this van that you could assume that someone was lost within its depths?! Like, it's not a TARDIS, you know, it's not like it's dramatically bigger than on the outside. Like, seriously. Is this like, a limo van? Or like, an RV with like, a secret hatch somewhere for like, smuggling drugs and they said "oh he's in the smuggling hatch!" Like how the fuck do you miss somebody like that?!
Kate: Mexican Doctors recently successfully removed a tumor from a two year old patient who weighed less than the tumor that they removed.
Kathleen: That happened to me many years ago, when I broke up with my last boyfriend. He was also a tumor that weighed more than me. Hiyoooo I'm the sassy one!
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} No you're NOT I'm the sassy one!
{KATHELEEN FLIPS HER OFF WITH BOTH HANDS (a.k.a the Double Deuce)}
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} SHADDUP!
Kate: Aaanyways. So it says here that the tumor was thirty-three pounds, and the child only weighed twenty-six pounds.
Kathleen: Wow, that's... that's actually really incredible, and it, and it brings up the obvious question: what do you do with thirty-three pounds of tumor meat?
LeeLee: Well those are probably the two grossest words I've heard strung together, but let's go on this journey! What could be worse?
{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD YOU GOTTA ASK YO'SELF: WHAT COULD BE WORSE? (TUMOR MEAT EDITION! TUMOR MEAT EDITION! YEAAGHH! UUUUUUUU... :( )}
Kathleen: Thirty-four pounds of tumor meat.
LeeLee: Thirty-five pounds of tumor meat.
Kate: Thirty-six pounds... of tumor meat.
{WEARING BLACK AND WHITE CAP ASKANCE ON HER HEAD} {IN SOUTHERN DRAWL} Hi there I'd like my one foot long tumor meat doener please... extra tzatziki.
LeeLee: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} Um... um... sorry sir, we don't serve that. And we're also out of tzatziki. So....
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} {QUIETLY} Tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat tumor meat.
{CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO REVEAL KATHLEEN GETTING CLOSER TO LEELEE'S FACE AS SHE GETS LOUDER}
Kathleen: That's the noise the tumor meat truck knows so you know it's coming and it's not annoying!
LeeLee: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} Why is there a tumor meat truck?! {LAUGHING}
Kate: No. No. I am cutting both of you off. This is the end of this story- no, the end of the episode, we're done. We are done.
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN, IN THE BACK GROUND} Ice cream, ice cream...
Kate: There may be better sources for news...
Kathleen: {LEANS OUT FROM BEHIND COSTUMES IN BACKGROUND, WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT, STILL REPEATING} Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream-
Kate: But they don't have {PUTS ON FELT ZOMBIE HAT} this hat.
Kathleen: {BEHIND COSTUMES IN BACKGROUND, WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} -ce cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream-
Kate: {WEARING FELT ZOMBIE HAT} And I'm the fucking sassy one Kathleen! {SHE LOOKS BACK AT KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {BEHIND COSTUMES IN BACKGROUND, WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} -ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream,
Kate: {WEARING FELT ZOMBIE HAT} Jesus.
Kathleen: {BEHIND COSTUMES IN BACKGROUND, WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} Ice cream, ice cream... tumor meat.
Kate: {WEARING FELT ZOMBIE HAT} Oh god!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF LEELEE AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. LEELEE WEARS A STAR TREK CAP, KATHLEEN WEARS A BROWN CAP, TURNED SIDEWAYS. LEELEE IS LAUGHING, KATHLEEN LOOKS BORED}
Kathleen: {WEARING BROWN CAP, ASKANCE, IN BORED VOICE} We're being kidnapped.
LeeLee: So I'm just gonna so that one, let's go on this journey together. What could be worse? Tumor meat edition. {LAUGHS} Aww I hate saying it.
