Dinner and a Movie Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Dinner and a Movie
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where I just came from the dentist. Meaning I can no longer brow a raspberry out of this side of my mouth. {POINTS TO RIGHT SIDE OF MOUTH} {ATTEMPTS TO BLOW A RASPBERRY; AIR COMES OUT, BUT NO RASPBERRY} {BLOWS A RASPBERRY WITH LEFT SIDE OF MOUTH} {ATTEMPTS AGAIN WITH RIGHT SIDE; JUST AIR} Anyway. My new crown makes me the Viscount of Novocaine, joining me this week is the marquis of caffeine,
Cam: Not enough caffeine.
Graham: And the squire of spider valley.
Beej: So many spiders!
Graham: And I'm looking forward to getting some lunch that's easy to chew. {MAKES WEIRD FACE}
{TITLE: LUNCH THAT'S EASY TO CHEW/NEWS}
Graham: Students in the art program at the University of Ontario are annoyed th-bleh. {FLUBS}
Students in the art pro-na probrem. {FLUBS} {BLOWS RASPBERRY} Ooh, it's coming back!
Students in the art program at the university of Ontario are angry that they're having to buy a hundred and eighty dollar textbook with no actual art in it. The students have to find the images themselves online.
Cam: I'm in the sciences and my textbooks don't cost that much.
Beej: Well at least they actually contain useful information.
{PAN TO CAM}
Cam: Whoa, let's not go that far.
Beej: So what the hell's actually in the book, is it just a bunch of blank pages with little descriptions and captions at the bottom?
Cam: No, it's QR codes.
{SHOT OF BEEJ AND CAM ON THE COUCH. CAM IS HOLDING A TEXTBOOK OPEN WITH ONE HAND AND TAKING A PICTURE OF IT WITH HIS PHONE}
Beej: Oh! I've seen that before.
Cam: Oh! Seurat. How's that for irony?
{SHOT OF BEEJ}
Beej: These art students are actually lucky. It could have been a box of art supplies that's just empty with a link to amazon.
Cam: Wait! OK, I just figured it out, it's a sketchbook!
Graham: A young couple of real geniuses in Washington state are being charged with the theft of a rare coin collection worth a hundred thousand dollars that they spent at face value on pizza and a movie.
Beej: I hope they sprung for extra cheese.
Cam: This wasn't even for anything specific? They just jacked it and spent it on pizza and- way to aim high, guys!
Beej: Did the fact that these coins were secured not act as some sort of indicator that these were special in some way?
Graham: {WEARING PLAID TRILBY} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Gather 'round boys and girls and marvel at: the change I got from the ten I spent on a burger this afternoon!
Beej: I dunno what movie they saw, but I hope it as National Treasure.
Graham: The boyfriend has been charged with first degree theft, and is being held on bail. The police declined to detain the girlfriend, saying that she was nine months pregnant.
{SHOT OF BEEJ AND CAM ON THE COUCH. BEEJ IS WEARING A FLORAL SUN BONNET, A WHITE CURLEY WIG, AND HAS SOMETHING LARGE AND ROUND STUFFED UNDER HIS SHIRT, MAKING HIM LOOK PREGNANT. CAM IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER CAP AND A FALSE MUSTACHE}
Cam: {IN POLICE OFFICER CAP AND A FALSE MUSTACHE} Well, technically you are an accessory to grand larceny, but you are eating for two, and this is just way too depressing for me.
{BEEJ NODS HAPPILY, THE FLORAL SUN BONNET BOBBING UP AND DOWN}
Graham: Turkish rescue divers took to the Black Sea after residents reported seeing a woman drowning. It was in fact a blow-up sex doll.
Cam: Am I sending out a flag here? They float.
Beej: {TALKING ON PHONE HANDSET} Hello, police? Th- I'd like to report a woman... lazily floating by? No of course I didn't try to help her! She's nude! {SLAMS DOWN HANDSET} Ugh!
Cam: Really this is just a modern interpretation of the siren. A blow-up doll. Mesmerizing sailors and then luring them to a watery grave.
Beej: How mesmerizing is {MIMES BLOW-UP DOLL FACE WITH OUTSTRETCHED ARMS}
Cam: Hey, when you've been at sea for a few months, even that looks pretty good.
Graham: A man in Oregon broke into a series of vehicles to steal small electronics, and then set his sights on a house which he also broke into, and fell asleep on the kitchen floor of.
Cam: I had a Sims game where the exact same thing happened to me!
Graham: Did the homeowner react by falling asleep in the puddle of his own urine? 'Cause that's always what happened to my Sims.
Cam: Well, m-my Sim just lived forever by cultivating a line of Freemasons.
Beej: What?!
{PAN TO CAM}
Cam: Well y-y-you could join a secret society in the University expansion of the Sims 2, and if somebody moved into the same house as you, they would bring all their money, so you would just like, meet a Freemason, fall- make them fall in love with you, have them move in, they would bring all their money, you would feed them to the plant from the Business expansion, milk the plant, and, and live forever because it added years to your life. But the pièce de résistance was first, before you fed them to the plant, you painted their portrait, and then you put the urn under the portrait, and then you would invite over another Freemason.
Beej: I'm horrified not only due to the complexity of the problem, but also because I'm a Freemason.
Cam: Wanna come over?
Graham: So basically your Sim was a super villain?
Cam: Yeah, I figured fuck it, why should my Sim be better at being dull than I am?
Graham: I need to... reevaluate the Sims. And my life. So... while I do that, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON NOTHIN' BUT NET BASKETBALL HAT} this hat! SWISH! {MUGS} ...three points! ...free- free throw? Free throw?
Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Free throw.
Graham: {WEARING NOTHIN' BUT NET BASKETBALL HAT} Double-dribble. {MIMES TRAVELING} Traveling.... I don't watch basketball.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF Graham: WEARING THE NOTHIN' BUT NET BASKETBALL HAT BACKWARDS, SO THE NET IS COVERING HIS FACE}
Graham: {WEARING NOTHIN' BUT NET BASKETBALL HAT BACKWARDS} I like wearing it like a veil. This should be a,
Cam: {OFFSCREEN} A bridal?
Graham: {WEARING NOTHIN' BUT NET BASKETBALL HAT BACKWARDS} -this should be, this should be bridal attire for a basketball player. {DAINTILY LIFTS NET UP} {MAKES GIRLY FACE}
