Snug as a Snuggie Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Snug as a Snuggie
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. I'm one-eyed Jack! {MUGS} Joining me this week is the Queen of Hearts,
Kate: {WEARING JEWELED CROWN} Heeey!
Graham: and the {IN METAL VOICE} ACE OF SPADES!
Cam: WHOA! METAL! {THROWS UP THE HORNS}
Graham: And we've rivered a deuce!
{TITLE: WE JUST RIVERED A DEUCE/NEWS}
Graham: The police in Oh-rem, Utah- Oh-rem? {LOOKS DOWN} Orem. Orrem?
Utah police! {LAUGHS}
Utah police received a phone call from what they assumed an intruder to someone's house, but was actually that person's dog.
Cam: Ruh-roh!
Graham: By way of explanation: a man received a phone call to his cell phone from his house and heard banging and scratching noises, and figured that someone had broken into the house and had knocked the phone off the hook or something, whereas actually his dog had grabbed the phone and was burying the cordless receiver in the back yard, and had hit redial.
Kate: That dog should be charged for theft. And whatever you get charged for when you dial 9-1-1 for no reason.
Cam: There was a reason! He was stealing something and obviously his conscience got the better of him. Duh.
Graham: Yahoo CEO Marissa Meyer is a busy, busy woman, and hasn't quite come up with a name for her baby yet. So she is crowd-sourcing suggestions.
Kate: Two years ago I crowd-sourced the naming of my kitten, uh, to Desert Bus, to the Desert Bus chat, and auctioned off the naming of my cat. And it actually turned out pretty well. Aristotle. Not Butts. So, I think she's onto something.
Cam: I think you'll find that the Desert Bus chat may be slightly more reliable than the entire Internet, where I am personally pulling for Monkey Jesus.
Graham: This is dangerous, because every time someone tries to do something like this, crowd-sourcing the name for something, it just ends up that like, someone like 4chan gets ahold of it and the top result is Chuck Norris or Stephen Colbert or something ridiculous.
Kate: Stephen Colbert actually isn't a bad name. If you think about some of the other names that celebrities have named their kids... Blanket. Apple. Moon Unit. Dweezil.
Cam: {SMACKS COUCH} You leave the Zappas out of this!
Kate: Dweeezil.
Graham: What do you do if you're hosing a block of time on the Home Shopping Network and your co-host faints? If your answer is keep selling, you have a job at QVC.
Kate: And then it cuts to a wide-shot again, and you just see her feet being dragged off the edge of the screen.
Cam: Pulled jerkily off-stage, like, {MIMES THE BODY SLIDING PART OF THE WAY OFF SCREEN, THEN GETTING JERKED THE REST OF THE WAY}
Kate: {HOLDING IPAD TOWARD CAMERA, CHEERFULLY} And you can use this tablet for looking up things like, for example, how to perform CPR! {SMILES, THEN LOOKS DESPERATE AND TURNS THE IPAD AROUND TO USE IT}
{SHOT OF CAM AND KATE ON THE COUCH}
Cam: You really have to appreciate this guy's steel nerve in continuing to perform.
{KATE FALLS OVER, APPARENTLY DEAD}
Cam: {UNPHASED} It's like Gaga going through vomiting three times. Like, it takes nerves of steel to keep going through a hiccough like that.
Graham: Surgeons in Britain have removed the stomach of a teenager to save her life after she drank a cocktail with liquid nitrogen in it.
Cam: Go on.
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} First of all, {POINTING TO SELF} maximum comfort. Secondly, they really had to remove their whole stomach, they couldn't just, like, pump it? {PAUSE} Pump it up.
Graham: Liquid nitrogen. You've probably seen it. Does fancy stuff when you put things in it, freezes it. Uh, gets used sometimes by bartenders to make like, little frosty foggy accents to drinks. If you drink it while it's a liquid, then it's gonna turn into that gas in your stomach, and blow it up like a balloon. She had a perforated stomach. Bad news.
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} I hope they act least gave her the drink for free.
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} I totally get this now. Thank you.
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Right?
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Well, since it's the in-thing. A couple from Finland, who recently won the world wife carrying championships, which I've just discovered is a thing, maintained their dominance by coming to Maine and winning the North American wife carrying championship. Which is also a thing.
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Wife-carrying championship dominance seems like an implicit thing in wife-carrying.
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Now, I'm not married, I don't know much about carrying wives and anything, but, I mean it seems sort of impressive?
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} They finished with the time of fifty-two point five eight seconds on a course that includes {READING FROM IPAD} "hurtles, sand-traps, and a water hole."
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} It's an obstacle course?! What are they simulating, storming Omaha beach?!
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Recognizing that I am about to throw out a pretty amazing pun, it seems like the husband is doing all the {AIR QUOTES} "heavy lifting" in this. What is the wife even doing? Being light?
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Actually! It's not about being as light as possible. The trick is actually being as heavy as possible, while still being able to get a good time, because the prize is the wife's weight in beer, and her weight in pounds, the number, times five in cash.
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} So if she's heavy, you're less likely to win because it's gonna be more difficult, but if you do win, the payout is so much better. Think of all those beers.
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Really, like, is- is it just like a piggyback thing? Or do you have to use like, the Zerksis' Palanquin from the 300?
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Or the harness that Yoda rides Luke around in.
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Or are you playing blaster to her master?
Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} I'm pretty sure the things that both of us just said are also just baby backpacks.
Cam: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Look, I won't have you denigrating Blaster like that. He did hard work.
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} Well that concludes the comfiest Feed Dump ever.
{SHOT OF CAM AND KATE ON THE SOFA. THEY ARE BOTH WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIES AND ARE LOUNGING ON THE SOFA}
Cam and Kate: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIES AND WAVING} Heeey!
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE} So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON GIANT ORANGE, PINK AND YELLOW PIMP HAT} which I feel combos well with the Snuggie. Also {PULLS HAT DOWN OVER HIS HEAD SO IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S HEADLESS} now that's not weird at all, is it? {STARTS DANCING ERRATICALLY}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: {WEARING PURPLE SNUGGIE AND GIANT ORANGE, PINK AND YELLOW PIMP HAT WHICH HE HAS PULLED DOWN TO COMPLETELY COVER HIS HEAD} And I can do this {GESTURES WITH HANDS} without having to get out from under my blanket!
