Tyrannic Saurus Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Tyrannic Saurus

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

{SHOT OF MATT, SITTING IN GRAHAM'S CHAIR, LOOKING SOMBRE. THE BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO SITS BEHIND HIM.}

Matt: {SOMBRILY} Welcome... to Grief Dump. {LEANS FORWARD} Joining me this week is no one. Because-

Graham: {OFF SCREEN} No, no! We're not! {STUMBLES INTO THE BACKGROUND OF THE SHOT} No! Get out! Get out! Out of the chair. We're not doing that.

{MATT GETS OUT OF THE CHAIR}

Graham: No narrative in Feed Dump. {SITS IN HIS CHAIR} We're not doing any of that. Get out of here.

Matt: {OFF SCREEN} Well can I at least be in it?

Graham: You were. Just now. Fuck off. I'm a stegosaurus. Joining me this week is a deinonychus,

Cam: Go ahead. Call me a velociraptor one more time. I dare you.

Graham: And an Ankylosaurus.

Paul: I have a tail composed of several large osteoderms!

Graham: And we're- something about dinosaurs, I don't know.

{TITLE: WE'RE- SOMETHING ABOUT DINOSAURS?/NEWS (I DON'T KNOW)}

Graham: A man from Nebraska has legally changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex.

That is the story.

Paul: So is his name, like, first name Tyrannosaurus, and last name Rex, or did he do it really special, like, like, Ty, and then his middle name is Rannosaurus, and his last name is Rex? You know, just to make it more surprising when he actually puts in all of the uhms and it's like, oh yeah, it is actually Tyrannosaurus Rex. That's your name.

Graham: His name beforehand was Tyler Joseph Gauld, and is now Tyrannosaurus Rex Joseph Gauld.

Cam: Wow. What a wuss.

Paul: It's so much better if his full name was Tyrannosaurus Rex! Like, just think of the announcements, like, {IN ANNOUNCER VOICE} "Could Tyrannosaurus Rex please come to the front desk? Tyrannosaurus Rex." Everyone would come to the front desk just to see who, who shows up.

Cam: I would write that man's eulogy.

Paul: Today we... we mourn Tyrannosaurus Rex. While he did have very large jaws, he overcame amazing adversity because his arms were very very small.

Cam: We are gathered here today to mourn Tyrannosaurus Rex, who managed the local Shakey's for thirty-two years before tragically passing away due to a meteor strike.

Also, as much as I enjoy disappointing children, I'm not certain I'd like to subject myself to a complete lifetime of it. Like, everyone would be excited to see you, and then... be disappointed when you arrive.

I mean, if I wanted to do that, I could just start dating again.

Graham: The judge asked him {READING} whether he wanted a new name so he could hide from creditors or law enforcement, and he said no. Now, while I think it's a little silly just to take his word on that, you're not gonna be doing much hiding if your name is Tyrannosaurus Rex... Joseph Gauld.

Cam: The only honest way to answer that question is that Tyrannosaurus Rex hides from no man. Man hide from Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Who wants to be the guy who has to repo Tyrannosaurus Rex's Chevy Impala?

Paul: {WEARING BLACK TOQUE} Alright, the next guy who owes us money is uh, {LOOKS DOWN AND READS} Tyran- you know what, let's just skip him and go to the next one.

Graham: The Coco Robo vacuum robot from Sharp knows three languages and will sass you. By saying things like "long time no see."

{READING} When asked "how's it going?" it responds "I'm cool and feelin' good."

Cam: Well now at least I know what my kids will be cleaning their apartments with ironically in thirty years, when they move into hipster flats in Brooklyn.

Paul: Avoiding stupid conversations is like, half of the reason why you'd want a robot to clean your house in the first place.

Cam: Do we really want our vacuum cleaners to judge us? Considering what I've used mine to hoover up off the ground?

{SHOT OF PAUL AND CAM ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS HOLDING A HUGE RED VACCUUM CLEANER UP IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. CAM HAS SHIFTY EYES}

Paul: {WITH VACUUM CLEANER IN FRONT OF HIS FACE} {MUFFLED} So Cam, I've been cleaning your floor, and, I think we need to talk. You have some sort of problem? Maybe you should go see a dermatologist or something.

Cam: Look, everything's fine, alright!

Paul: {WITH VACUUM CLEANER IN FRONT OF HIS FACE} {MUFFLED} Alright, I just... you know, I'm here for you, if you need anything.

Cam: Thanks. I appre- I appreciate it. Look, there's a sp- there's a spider over there, would you please just...

Paul: {WITH VACUUM CLEANER IN FRONT OF HIS FACE} {MUFFLED} Well... could you get the spider sometimes?

{CUT TO GRAHAM IN HIS CHAIR}

Graham: A roofer in New Jersey saved his coworker who had fallen into a vat of Nitric Acid by jumping in after him and pulling him out.

Paul: {WEARING YELLOW HARD HAT} Alright, all I'm saying guys is why do we have to have these giant vats of Nitric acid outside the build site. I mean, we're not using it for anything in here, could we at least put lids on them? It just seems like a safety hazard waiting to happen.

Cam: Considering that they're at least two acid catalysed Batman villains, I think I can see where this is going. And it's going good places.

Paul: Oh man, there's two of them, too! So that could be like, an awesome, like, double team Batman villain. If they aren't Batman villains now, they really should just, just for the sake of continuity, I think.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND CAM ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS WEARING THE YELLOW HARD HAT, CAM IS WEARING THE GOLD HARD HAT}

Paul: {WEARING YELLOW HARD HAT} So, boss, how did we use our roofing skills to commit a crime spree?

Cam: {WEARING GOLD HARD HAT} I'm more concerned that this hard hat is the only thing keeping my brains in.

Paul: {WEARING YELLOW HARD HAT} Ooh, yeah. {CLASPS HANDS TO YELLOW HARD HAT}

Cam: {WEARING GOLD HARD HAT} But it is giving me an idea! {GRASPS THE BRIM OF THE GOLD HARD HAT, TURNS IT SLIGHTLY} ALRIGHT there we go.

Graham: {HOLDING IPAD} My favourite part is this quote from a coworker with the implication of like, they're milking it. {READS FROM IPAD} Quote, "it's not that kind of acid," the coworker said declining to give his name. Quote, "it's diluted. He's going to be fine."

Cam: {WEARING GOLD HARD HAT} Oh, well excuse me for expecting some kudos after saving a coworker's life in a vat of acid. I mean, why you gotta bust my balls here? Especially now that they're so smooth...

Graham: We, being Canadians, like to take the piss out of ourselves. So here's another Lol Canada.

{TITLE: LOL, CANADA! (OUR HOME AND NATIVE LA -OH)}

Graham: The police in Sarnia arrested a drunken woman who called 9-1-1 just to say hi.

Paul: Graham, you do not fool me. Sarnia is not a real place. What, is like, Aslan gonna come through too?

Cam: And they don't even have phones and shit in Sarnia. I've seen the movies. They're terrible.

Paul: Wait, would 9-1-1 even work in Sarnia? I mean, and like, who would it call? Would it call, like, the White Queen? 'Cause that seems bad. Or maybe it would be the people that you call when the White Queen is coming after you? Or maybe this is like, way after that, all that stuff. Like, the chronology is a little messed up.

Cam: No, dumbass. You'd get like, centaurs or some shit. I dunno. Or that talking beaver thing.

Paul: When it comes right down to it, I think I actually like the second book better. The, you know, Prince Casper and all that stuff.

Graham: {HOLDING IPAD} {SIGHS} She was arrested and charged with mischief.

Cam: Alright, so, like, mischief, so she's one of the fauns? I thought they were exclusively male.

Graham: OK I don't think we're gonna get anywhere here, so until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but! They don't have {PUTS ON THE UGLIEST FUZZY CROCHETTED POMPOM HAT} this hat! Which is... probably for the best. But we do! We have this. {SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY}

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Graham: {WEARING BLACK BRIMMED PSEUDO POLICE HAT} {IN REGAL VOICE} Announcing Lord and Lady Tyrannosaurus Rex!