Machete Party Crasher Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Machete Party Crasher

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

{SHOT OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT. GRAHAM IS SITTING IN IT, COVERED IN A SHEET}

Graham: {COVERED IN A SHEET} Ooo! Welcome to Halloween Dump! I am a sexy ghost! You can't tell, but under my ectoplasm, I'm completely nude! Joining me this week is a sexy invisible man,

{SHOT OF THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE COUCH. NO ONE SEEMS TO BE THERE, BUT PAUL'S VOICE EMANATES}

Paul: {INVISIBLE} I'm wearing an invisible thong right now.

Graham: {COVERED IN A SHEET} ...and a sexy grad student!

Cam: I wanted this costume to be cheap, but it turns out it's just really expensive.

Graham: {COVERED IN A SHEET} And now for the BOOOOOS!!!

Cam: Did someone say booze?

{TITLE: AND NOW FOR THE BOOOS/NEWS (SUBTITLE: NO, NOT BOOZE)}

Graham: {TAKES OFF SHEET} Seriously, it's warm under there. {CLEARS THROAT} Florida police are investigating a man who crashed a young girl's birthday party with a machete, and tried to steal beer.

Cam: Oh! He was dressed like a clown, right? 'Cause I've seen this movie.

Paul: When you said he crashed her birthday party, my first vision was just like, a guy like driving like a huge float that's like a girl's birthday party on the back and he's just like "WHOOAAAAAAAA! YEAH BIRTHDAY!" SMASH and then hits a tree. {LAUGHS} It's probably not actually what happened though.

Cam: I'm kind of interested to see how the machete fit into that. Actually I would watch that movie too.

Paul: When it comes right down to it, I think once a machete is involved, that's not actually crashing a party anymore. Like, crashing a party is when you just come to a party and you're not invited. If you arrive with a machete, that's actually like breaking and entering the party.

Cam: Maybe it was thoughtfully gift-wrapped?

Graham: {WEARING SHEET OVER HIS SHOULDER} Now it's a toga. The news is reporting that the forty-two year old father was hosting the party when this guy {AIR QUOTES} "described as an acquaintance," showed up, started loading the Dad's beer into plastic bags and trying to get away on his bicycle, and then when confronted by the father pulled out a machete and almost entirely severed the father's pinky finger.

Cam: Actually no I've already seen this movie. It was called my eleventh birthday party.

Paul: I like that he was described as being an acquaintance.

{SHOT OF CAM AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. CAM IS WEARING A RED AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP. PAUL IS WEARING A BLACK AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP}

Paul: {WEARING BLACK AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Hey Bob.

Cam: {WEARING RED AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Hey Bill.

Paul: {WEARING BLACK AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Oh come get your beer, eh!

Cam: {WEARING RED AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Yeah!

Paul: {WEARING BLACK AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} That's a nice machete!

Cam: {WEARING RED AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} {PULLS OUT MACHETE} Oh! Thank you. Wanna see a trick?

Graham: {WEARING SHEET WRAPPED AROUND HIS NECK} And now it's a scarf! When Alan Smith received his monthly veteran affairs check for six-hundred and fifty dollars, he was a little taken aback that this month it was six-hundred and ninety MILLION dollars. He then returned it.

Paul: Maybe it's just one of those things where you get a lump sum for a war you were involved in, and he was involved in MANY MANY wars.

Cam: Even taking compound interest into effect, this is like retroactive to Thermopylae.

Paul: I don't know why he returned it. For that money he could start his own war.

Graham {WEARING SHEET WRAPPED AROUND HIM, TUCKED INTO THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT LIKE A CAPE. THE BACK WAVES UP AND DOWN, OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE IS UNDERNEATH IT LIFTING IT UP AND DOWN} And now it is a cape. If he didn't return the money, what else could he have done with it? What would you have done with it?

{TITLE: IT'S A BIG PILE OF CASH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO... WITH... IT?}

Cam: How about a decommissioned Soviet aircraft carrier, complete with decommissioned Soviets?

You could buy that entire network of decommissioned missile silos in the US and become like the world's third leading nuclear power!

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} They don't actually have the missiles in them.

Cam: What a rip-off!!!

Paul: Oh man, you could buy some of those European monuments we talked about in like a Feed Dump WAY back! 'Cause like you can get the Leaning Tower of Pisa or something and rename it the Leaning Tower of Alan, or Alan's Awesome Leaning Tower!

Cam: Smith henge.

Paul: The Alan Smith Experience. Previously the Louvre.

Graham: {WEARING SCARF WRAPPED AROUND HIS HEAD, WITH A BLUE BASEBALL CAP OVER IT} Now it's an impractically large do-rag. Alright, guessing game time. What started a fire in a Michigan apartment complex?

Cam: Billy Joel.

Paul: NO! He DIDN'T start the fire!

Cam: Don't you tell Billy Joel what he can and can't do.

Meth? Was it meth? It's meth, isn't it?

Paul: Isn't that just the usual way you cook meth though?

Cam: How do you know how to cook meth?!

Paul: An extremely passionate love-making session perhaps.

Graham: I will give you a hint. He was cooking something unusual in an unusual way.

Paul: Oh was it one of those things where he got like a turkey or something from the grocery store and it had like, some sort of packing in it that he forgot to take out and so he puts it in the oven and it just lights on fire?

Graham: He was trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Paul: I feel like when we're trying to assign blame, it should probably be ninety percent propane torch, and ten percent squirrel.

Graham: {READING FROM IPAD} The man was, quote "burning off its fur on a third floor deck at the building when the fire broke out."

Paul: I wanna fault his methods here, but when it comes right down to it, I don't know how you're supposed to cook a squirrel.

Cam: Like I mean if I was gonna puzzle it out, yeah I guess I don't really want to skin a squirrel, so you'd just burn off the hair, that does seem... no, that's fucking insane, what were you doing, dude?!

Paul: I like that he went out on the deck, right? So that, that shows like that he was actually thinking he's like, "hm, this is dangerous. I probably shouldn't do it inside." But he didn't do the extra step to the "I probably shouldn't be hitting the squirrel with a blow torch right beside my house."

Cam: In his defence, I wouldn't expect a squirrel to cook off like that either.

Paul: Ma-maybe the squirrel had been just eating a lot of like, really flammable stuff?

Cam: What, like cannon shells?!

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: I dunno, squirrels get into all kinds of things.

Graham: {ARRANGING SHEET ON HIMSELF AND TUCKING IT INTO HIS SHIRT LIKE A BIB} Aah, and now it's a bib for squirrel eatin'. So I think what we learned today is that sheets are the most versatile Halloween costume. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this seasonally appropriate colour hat. {PUTS ON BLACK AND ORANGE SODA JERK HAT} Which doesn't quite fit me, but... looks jaunty all the same. {MUGS} Happy Halloween.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: Look, a fire breaks out and immediately everybody goes for the guy who was burning off the hair of the squirrel with a blow torch, okay? He's a victim here just as much as anybody else.

Cam: Yeah, nice use of the passive voice.