The Missing Toilet Paper Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Missing Toilet Paper

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to another mythical episode of Feed Dump. I am an onager, a wild ass who can predict the spring equinox. Joining me this week is a manticore,

Kathleen: I have the face of a woman, the body of a lion, the tail of a scorpion, and the liver of a WOMBAT!

Graham: ...and a bonnacon.

Brad: Hey girl, I'm a goat that can shoot flame-poop up to two acres.

Graham: Terrific! And we're gonna spray flaming crap all over this place.

{WE'RE GONNA SHOOT FLAMING CRAP/(MEDIEVAL PICTURE OF A BONNACON) ALL OVER THE PLACE!}

Graham: A fifty-two year old Ontario man has been charged with stunt driving after going a hundred and forty-three kilometres per hour. His excuse was that he just washed his car and was trying to dry it off.

Kathleen: That will technically dry your car, but also leaving your car still will dry it off. Also driving the speed limit will dry it off. It sounds like he needs a more... EFFECTIVE excuse.

{TITLE: I WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE YOUR IDEA IS DUMB SUPER EFFECTIVE/POKEMON!!!}

Kathleen: Sorry officer, my wife is suing me for alimony and I want to kill myself and others. Super effective.

Graham: I'm sorry officer, I'm trying to defrost this ham, so I strapped it to the engine block, and if I don't drive fast enough it won't defrost in time and then the party'll be ruined, it'll- it's just gonna be a mess. Super effective.

Kathleen: I'm sorry officer, I had to drive that fast, because it makes the engine incredibly loud, and I needed to, uh, drown out the pounding and screaming of the hooker I have trapped in the trunk. {BRAD LAUGHS OFFSCREEN} Super effective.

Brad: I'm sorry officer, you may not realize, but a hundred and forty-three kilometres is actually eighty-eight point eight miles per hour, and I need to get to that speed so I can go back in time and make sure that my parents kiss at the dance. {LOOKS AT HAND, TERRIFIED}

Graham: {WEARING LAB COAT AND MAD SCIENTIST WHITE WIG} {IN DOC BROWN'S VOICE} That sounds super effective, Marty!

Graham: {NO HAT} So it's super shitty to live in Venezuela right now, but hopefully not too shitty, because the country has just run out of toilet paper, and is planning on importing fifty million rolls.

Kathleen: They seriously don't have any unwanted books or magazines just laying around? Copies of Star... back-issues of Vogue... Dianetics?

Brad: {HOLDING COFFEE CUP} Broad-leafed ferns?

Kathleen: Seriously, every time I go to the grocery store, and it's like, "Kim Kardashian" this, and "Teen Mom" that. I don't know who these people are, and I don't think anybody else cares!

Brad: Better than reading them...

Kathleen: Where exactly are they importing all this toilet paper from?

Brad: Don't people need those fifty million rolls that they're importing?

Graham: The Venezuelan commerce minister said that this is actually an excessive demand that has been drummed up by a media campaign seeking to disrupt the country.

Kathleen: There is no such thing as having a stockpile of too much toilet paper. Like, I only live with one other person, and we have to have at least twelve rolls at a time, and that stuff evaporates very quickly. One chili weekend and you are fucked.

Graham: Remember that [story that we did a couple weeks ago|The Spirit of Creaster] about how Justin Bieber had to surrender his monkey to the German authorities because he didn't have the right papers? That monkey is Germany's now!

Kathleen: {SINGING AND DANCING} Deutschland, Deutschland, land of monkies! Opening their doors to tiny things! Monkeys in Germany! Why not?! They're not native, but who cares! Justin Bieber, you're a twat!

Graham: See Bieber didn't have like, the correct quarantine documents or whatever, and so they took it to a shelter, and he didn't pay for the shelter, which he's supposed to do, and didn't submit the documents and so the shelter's like, "well, it belongs to the German government now. No- now we have a monkey."

Brad: So how much of that monkey is Germany's, and how much of it is the EU's?

Kathleen: I don't know, but if Germany thinks the UK is gonna pay for ANY of this monkey's care, they have another thing coming.

If he'd abandoned it in Greece, Germany would STILL be paying!

Political joke! {MUGS}

Brad: I bet I know why it's been quarantined: the monkey is a carrier of Bieber Fever! {MUGS}

Kathleen: Otherwise known as gonorrhoea.

Graham: The monkey's doing well, except that it doesn't know correct monkey social behaviour, because it's only been hanging around Justin Bieber.

Brad: So it doesn't know correct human social behaviour either.

Kathleen: Awwwww z-snap, son! {Z SNAPS} Uh uh. {WAGS FINGER} He went there.

Graham: When Washington State legalized recreational marijuana, they figured everything out. They've got plans for how they're gonna sell it, how they're gonna monitor it, how they're gonna grow it. They've got that all worked out. One thing they haven't quite figured out is what they're gonna do with the waste, the excess parts of the plant that you don't need to get dem dank nugs. Well, one thing they're experimenting with is feeding it to pigs!

These pigs get HELLZA munchies.

Brad: So they're WAY better at disposing of the dead prostitutes.

Graham: Since the stems aren't even the {AIR QUOTES} "active" part of the plant, and then it's going through the whole being eaten by a pig process, this would never work, but if there were, like, pot-infused bacon, there'd be no logical stopping point, 'cause you'd eat some bacon, then you'd get the munchies, then'd be like, "oh, I have all this bacon," you'd eat some bacon, and then you'd get the munchies, and you'd be like "oh, I have all this bacon!" And then three hours later you're like, "I can see through time!"

Kathleen: Coincidentally, the end of time is just a DVD of The Big Lebowski playing on loop forever.

There are worse things! It could be a DVD of Showgirls, or... {SHUDDERS} Southland Tales.

Graham: Hey! Hey. I learned a very important lesson from Southland Tales. And that... is that I'm a pimp. {PUTS ON FURRY BROWN FEDORA} And pimps don't commit suicide. {BEAT} So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {ADJUSTS HAT} this hat. Nor should they, 'cause they aren't pimps.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: Wait a minute! Don't capybaras live around there? Like, they look soft AND absorbent! Problem: solved!