Spaghetti Warehouse Warehouse Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Spaghetti Warehouse Warehouse

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN HIS BATHROOM, FILMED BY HANDHELD CAMERA}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, for the third week on location, this time from my bathroom! Not really though. I'm argon, the most noblest of gases. Joining me this week is carbon,

{SHOT OF PAUL SITTING ON SOFA AT THE MOONBASE}

Paul: I'm the basis of all life! {POINTS AT CAMERA} Including you.

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN HIS BATHROOM, FILMED BY HANDHELD CAMERA}

Graham: and ununpentium.

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN SITTING ON SOFA AT THE MOONBASE}

Kathleen: I'm highly unstable and I can only exist under laboratory conditions.

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN HIS BATHROOM, FILMED BY HANDHELD CAMERA}

Graham: And now back to the studio, where I am keeping the rest of my beard.

{TITLE: AND NOW, BACK TO THE BEARDIO A STUDIO FOR BEARDS (SUBTITLE: KATHLEEN AND PAUL NOTWITHSTANDING)}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR AT THE MOONBASE FOR THE REST OF THE EPISODE}

Graham: The catchy pop jingle to Texas based Spaghetti Warehouse is taking the social media airwaves by storm by being favorable compared as a summer jam, third only to Get Lucky and Blurred Lines.

Kathleen: Ah yes, Spaghetti Warehouse, because when I think of fine Italian dining, what I really want is a large cavernous cement building with no insulation and exposed rafters.

Paul: I hope the spaghetti is actually served like bulk food in a Costco or something. Just get your wheelbarrow out, drive to a giant vat full of noodles and take like a big pair of tongs and get like a couple hundred pounds of noodles and then drive along and then he just, a giant like hose of sauce, just pssssssshhh, puts sauce all over it. And then you have food for like a month.

Kathleen: A month? This is Texas, everything's bigger in Texas. That'll feed you two days, tops.

Graham: All they're saying right now is that the song is an original composition by a {AIR-QUOTES} "Grammy winning production team", and it sounds like a Taylor Swift B-side if she just completely sold out.

{GRAHAM DANCES TO THE SONG HE'S PLAYING ON HIS IPHONE}

IPhone: Soup and salad and spaghetti with meat (meatballs!) The 10-layer lasagna for me (Oh, we can share it) Will put you in the mood, great Italian food

Paul: Wait a sec, maybe this is a Taylor Swift song and after her most recent breakup, she just drowned her sorrows in pasta.

Kathleen: {AS TAYLOR SWIFT, CRYING} No-one will ever love me! Except you, carbs, you'll always be there for me!

Paul: Wait, just a sec. I heard in there that they have a fifteen-layer lasagna. Now I'm not like an expert in making lasagna, but... I think it's normally like four to six layers?

Graham: Well, assuming there's no vegetables in this version, one layer would be like a chunky sauce and then the noodles and then cheese, and then- alright {COUNTS OFF ON FINGERS} so sauce, noodles, cheese, sauce, noodles, {COUNTS ON OTHER HAND} cheese, sauce, noodles, sadness, cheese, {COUNTS ON FIRST HAND} sauce, noodles, more sadness, cheese, cheese. {SHRUGS}

From the wide wide world of misleading headlines, a man from Newfoundland on the east coast of Canada swam all the way to France! All seven kilometers, to the islands of San Pierre and Miquelon.

Kathleen: France, in Canada? It's more likely than you think! It's time for {SINGS} Kathleen's Political Fact of the Weeeeek!

Paul: Don't we already have a theme song for that?

Kathleen: You don't own me!

So San Pierre and Miquelon are not actually terribly interesting from like a world history point of view uh, France originally had them and then the British tried to like take them over and put settlers there and then they ceded the islands back to France and blahblahblahblahblah. Uh, they smuggled a lot of booze through there during prohibition. Uh, now they're a collectivity of the French government. BUT! The most interesting thing I found about them is that when they were discovered by a Portuguese guy whose name I cannot pronounce, he originally named the islands {READS FROM IPHONE} "The Islands of the 11,000 Virgins" which is both sexy and oddly specific.

Paul: I can see why the English and French would fight over this place so much. I mean, just like the Rock of Gibraltar is the entrance to the Mediterranean, these islands are the entrance to... um... you know, that area.

Graham: Dateline: Bowdoinham- Bo- Bu-do-wing-ham? B- {READS FROM IPHONE} Bow Doing Ham. Bu- Budewingham? ...Dateline: Maine. The father of a 4 year old who brought a loaded gun to daycare had the balls to plead not guilty to misdemeanor reckless conduct.

Paul: I don't see what the problem is. Obviously it's the kid who was the really reckless one.

Graham: The 3-caliber semi-automatic handgun, which was owned legally, was placed by the father in the kid's daycare bag when bringing it into the house on a previous day, 'cos that's fine {FROWNS} to bring it out of the car, "oh, can't hold my gun and this bag, I'll just put my gun in the bag," and then forgot that it was there when the kid took it back to the daycare the next day.

Paul: If you wanna have your gun in your car just in case you, encounter someone you have to shoot on your way to work, uh then, I think maybe you should have a car gun and a home gun, just to avoid this exact kind of problem.

Kathleen: Oh yeah man, you can get that gun detailed so it matches the inside of your car, you can get a special like car gun holder added to your car, with a child safety lock, you know, for little prying 4 year old hands and, you know, Bob's your uncle. You need to shoot somebody for no reason on the sidewalk? {GIVES OKAY SIGN} You're doing it safely.

Graham: A judge in Tennessee has ordered that a baby's first name be changed from Messiah to Martin, not because he thinks Messiah is necessarily a BAD name, but because there is only one true Messiah, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Kathleen: 'Sup, America. How's that separation of church and state thing goin' for ya? Good, I hear.

Paul: Wait a minute, so you can call your kid Jesus and it's fine, but you can't call your kid Messiah? That wasn't his name, that's just what other people called him.

Kathleen: This is needless government interference, and it's not even applied fairly. Tons of people have named their kids something stupid like Superman, you don't hear judges saying {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} "Hey, hold up there! Superman should be reserved for the one true Superman, Kal-El, son of Jor-El."

And besides, who was this judge to judge? You gonna get up on my grill when I decide to name my kid Spaghetti Warehouse? I don't think so. {WAVES FINGER SIDE TO SIDE} Mm-mm-mm!

Paul: I think the really sad thing here is that they deprived that kid of the BEST PICKUP LINE EVER when he gets older! {SEXILY} "Hey, baby, I'm the Messiah."

Graham: According to the judge, Messiah is not a name, it is a title, and a title that has only ever been earned by one person.

Kathleen: I don't know if that's strictly true. One time, I was real hungry and I ordered a pizza and it arrived in less than thirty minutes just like it said on the ad and I was so thankful I was like "Thank you, pizza Messiaaaaahhhh!"

Paul: So aside from the "only person that's ever been called Messiah" thing that's obviously problematic... the "you can't use a person's title as your first name" kind of makes sense actually. Like, I don't think people should be calling themselves "Doctor" as their actual name, or you know "Mister" or "Sergeant" or something. Like, that seems like it could open a whole can of problems.

Kathleen: Hold up. What about 80's soft-rock hit makers, Mr. Mister? Would you deny me my broken wings, Paul?

Paul: Hey, we're talking about people's names here.

Kathleen: Are you saying my knowledge of 80's soft-rockers may have some glaring holes in it?

Paul: No, I'm saying it's irrelevant to this discussion.

Kathleen: Well then how the fuck else am I supposed to drop in references to Thompson Twins? Like, it ain't no thing, Paul. WORK WITH ME HERE!

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: {BEAT} ...That, that's how you do it, I guess.

Graham: Okay, okay kay kay kay, calm down, you guys. It doesn't matter. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON PLASTIC PICKLEHAUBE HAT} this hat, which doesn't quite fit, but the takeaway is, say what you will about World War I era Germany, you would not want to get into a headbutting competition with them. {BEAT} I-I assume. {MIMES HEADBUTT} Stab.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{GRAHAM LISTENS TO SPAGHETTI WAREHOUSE SONG, STARTS DANCING AS IT ENTERS THE CHORUS}

IPhone: Oh oh oh whoa, come on in, what you waiting outside for? Family and friends just come knocking on our door We are, we are, we are, we are Spaghetti Warehouse!