Do a Tesco Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Do a Tesco
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, we are presidents of the United States of America. I am FDR and my new deal is a chicken in every pot and a cat in every house and a chicken in every cat. Sure. Joining me this week is Obama,
Graham: {DOING OBAMA IMPRESSION} I'm, uh... very pleased to be here... uh, on Feed Dump.
Kathleen: And Reagan.
Ian: {DOING REAGAN IMPRESSION} Nancy, is this heaven? It smells like ass-flavored jellybeans.
{TITLE: THAT IMPERSONATION WAS OK... I GUESS... THANKS OBAMA/OBAMA (SUBTITLE: OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA)}
Kathleen: Authorities in Florida are investigating a man who drove to his lawyer's office, with a dead body in the bed of his pickup truck.
Graham: {LAUGHS} {AIR-QUOTES} "Authority" in Florida.
Ian: Definitely something to be said for buying a long-bed pickup. You can fit so much more body in there. You don't even have to hack it up first.
Graham: This is the problem Australians have all the time. You can only fit so much body in a ute.
Ian: Was it his body? I mean, not his body but like... {AIR-QUOTES} "his" body.
Graham: I guess the question is, did he put it there? Did he even know it was there? ...Was it human?
Kathleen: Yes, yes and yes, Graham. {COUNTING OFF ON FINGERS} He knew it was there, he put it there, and it was human because it was the body of his neighbor whom he had shot during a self-defense scuffle, involving a gun, over a property dispute.
Graham: Florida: literally the Wild West.
Ian: I'm not gonna question the validity of stand-your-ground laws, but how do you wield forty acres of land menacingly?
Graham: What's a self-defense scuffle? Is it where both sides just... defend themselves more and more aggressively until someone finally gets hurt?
Kathleen: I don't know what a self-defense scuffle is either, but the guy who didn't get shot was taken to the hospital with facial wounds and possibly broken thumbs. So, maybe it was a really bad thumb war. Anyhow, this isn't the Old West, because in the Old West, they have people who'd hunt you down after you murdered someone. No arrests have been made in this case even though it's fairly obvious who did it.
Graham: We rag on Florida a lot, but I am utterly flummoxed at the lack of authority being displayed by the police here. Don't you, at minimum, have to incarcerate the guy who could have just murdered someone?
Ian: I'm pretty sure he was actually just taking that dead body to his lawyer to get the whole thing settled out of court first.
Graham: Given that we have no other information about what this {AIR-QUOTES} "property dispute" entailed, I can only assume that since good fences make good neighbors, they had really shitty fences.
Kathleen: A thirty-one year old man from Norfolk was arrested after he posted to his Facebook page that he was going to {AIR-QUOTES} "do Tesco" and then fifteen minutes later, the local Tesco was held up.
Graham: Hey, you know what your followers want better than anybody else, you gotta maintain your own brand. You do you, buddy. {TAKES OUT iPHONE} Excuse me a second. {TYPES ON iPHONE} "About to roll a Tim Horton's in five minutes. #thebachelor."
Ian: This Facebook post... how many likes did it have?
Kathleen: Seven.
Ian: Only seven? Boost this post.
Graham: I've never tried this myself so I'm curious if knocking over a national supermarket chain counts on Facebook as a {AIR-QUOTES} "life event".
Kathleen: The real tragedy here is that I have legit seen pictures of poop on Facebook that have gotten more likes. {BEAT} That was a very impressive poop though.
{SHOT OF IAN AND GRAHAM ON THE COUCH}
Graham: I still don't understand what "doing Tesco" is. Is that a new dance craze? "Everybody do the Tesco"?
Ian: I don't know, a skateboarding move?
Graham: Oh yeah, like a 720 backside Tesco.
Ian: Mmm. A cosmetic procedure?
Graham: "My aunt just got her eyebrows Tescoed."
Ian: Oooooh, a frat prank!
Graham: Oh, of course! "You just got Tescoed, mate!"
Ian: {MAKES A T SIGN WITH HIS HANDS}
Kathleen: An intoxicated man from Barrie, Ontario, tried to fool a roadside breathalyzer test by swallowing a penny. It didn't work.
Ian: Of course it didn't. If you want to fool the breathalyzer, you need to get that penny lodged in your windpipe.
Graham: Ontario? This is Canada, where's he finding a penny?
Ian: He's obviously been keeping them around for this sort of emergency. A quarter won't fit!
Graham: Then why not a dime?
Ian: Too narrow, goes right down.
Graham: I've heard of the like, "breathing really heavily first" or the like, "slamming a bunch of mints". I've never heard of swallowing a penny, probably because it's stupid.
Ian: Also does this man not know how a bribe works? You put the money in the cup, not small change in yourself.
Graham: {DRUNKENLY} I'm doing just fine, officer. And I think you'll agree that {HOLDS UP IMAGINARY PENNY} these maple leafs bear that out. Or {HOLDS UP ANOTHER IMAGINARY PENNY} this seagull, which was on the centennial penny.
Kathleen: According to police, just before providing a breath sample, they saw the driver put something in his mouth. They asked him what it was, he stuck out his tongue and displayed a penny and when they asked him to remove it, he swallowed it. The police then gave him the breathalyzer test which he failed. I don't know what the expected outcome was!
Ian: When that guy sobers up, he's gonna realize that totallybeatthebreathylzer.biz is not the website you wanna be relying on for information.
Graham: Even our hundred-dollar bill is underwhelming. Well, maybe {HOLDS UP IMAGINARY BILL} Sir Robert Borden can change your mind. He instituted the Military Services Act. Brought the draft to Canada during the First World War. {SIGHS} There were riots
Ian: {SLURRING DRUNKENLY} Well, officer, m-maybe Mr. Laurier will convince you to look the other way. No? Uh, how about the late great Leonard Nimoy?
Graham: This news just in from Total Bummersville: The Royal Canadian Mint has asked people to {A PICTURE OF A CROSSED OUT SPOCKED FIVE-DOLLAR BILL APPEARS OVER GRAHAM'S FACE AT THIS POINT}please stop "Spocking" their five-dollar bills.
Kathleen: Hey, I'm supposed to be reading the news! I'm the one in the big purple chair!
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Old habits, I'm sorry!
Kathleen: {SIGHS} Anyhow, what Graham said is true: the Mint has asked people to stop "Spocking" our bills that... doesn't make it so it's not legal tender anymore, they just don't want thousands of crudely drawn Leonard Nimoys circulation which I mean is fair, but it's very Canadian. I mean, like "Hi, would you mind not doing this thing? If you wouldn't, you know, that'd be great." Very Canadian, very polite. You know what else is very Canadian? This hat, {PUTS ON RED LOBSTER HAT} which I got from the Maritime's. Now it doesn't show an actual Canadian, this is a lobster. Canadians technically have smaller claws and less, uh, {PULLS LOBSTER'S ANTENNAE} dangly eye bits. Graham, do you have anything you want to say about this hat though?
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} No, no, you're the lob-star of this episode.
Kathleen: {WEARING RED LOBSTER HAT} {SIGHS} Alright, we're done here. Goodbye. {SHAKES HEAD}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: {WEARING RED LOBSTER HAT} Hey man, you're a lob-star, {GRAHAM BURSTS OUT LAUGHING OFFSCREEN} get your game on and go play. {LAUGHS} What are- All that glitters is red! Only shooting stars get... lobsteroles? {DANCES AROUND} Dun, dun, da dun, dun, da da da da dun, da dun- {BREAKS INTO LAUGHS}
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} I don't think you're Smash Mouth at all!
Kathleen: {WEARING RED LOBSTER HAT} {LAUGHS} I'm bad at Smash Mouth! {WAVES HANDS AROUND AS SHE SINGS} Hey man, you're a lob-star!
