Category Five Dooker Transcript
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where the news is what it says it is...{POINTS TO BOTTOM OF VIDEO}...in that little YouTube title down there because this is our two-hundredth episode! Whoo! To celebrate, this week, we are other, better, more important bicentennials. I'm the "1968 bicentennial of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica". I chose that one because, LIKE the "Encyclopaedia Brittanica", I'm ALSO old and full of lists. Anyhow, joining me this week is the "200th anniversary of the Storming of the Bastille"...
Cameron: Like the French Revolution, I, too, start with a jailbreak and end with Europe covered in corpses.
Kathleen: ...and Graham, who says he's gonna talk about bisons for some reason.
Graham: No, Kathleen. It's what Time Magazine called "ungulates of my generation": bison-tennials.
Kathleen: But, before we start the news, to celebrate our 200th episode, we have a special guest! It's Ian, whom you've seen from many other Feed Dumps. But, this week, he's working as the "Feed Dump Band"! Ian, take it away!
{CUT TO IAN AGAINST THE BLUE SCREEN, PLAYING A CONCERTINA}
Kathleen: {CONFUSED} Why do you have a tiny accordion?
Ian: It's a concertina.
Kathleen: OK, why do you have a concertina?
Ian: It makes THIS sound. {PLAYS TWO NOTES ON THE CONCERTINA}
Kathleen: {SLIGHTLY ANNOYED} Could you make...ANY other noise?
{CUT TO IAN PLAYING MARACAS}
Kathleen: {ACTING LIKE SHE HAS A HEADACHE} OK, um, enjoy the "Feed Dump Band" in its first (and only) appearance. And, now, on with the news!
{TITLE: ONE-MAN BAND SEEKING WORK, CONTACT @ihorner}
Kathleen: Man, sometimes, you just get real drunk. And sometimes, like a Dublin man, you get so drunk you get into a fistfight in a McDonald's, and then the police are called and then you are still so drunk that you decide to attack the police officer. And, y'know, what are you supposed to do to get over the shame of going to jail for attacking a police officer in a drunken rage? Well, you should not strip naked in your cell and cover yourself with your own feces, which is what this guy did.
Cameron: Really, this is more of a "Florida man"-tier story.
Graham: {SINGING TO TUNE OF THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS' "PARTICLE MAN"} Florida Man, Florida Man/Florida Man fights Dublin Man/Dublin Man covers himself in shit/Dublin Man wins...
Cameron: But...what if "Florida Man" takes a bite out of "Dublin Man"'s chest in the middle of the highway?
Graham: {SINGING TO TUNE OF THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS' "PARTICLE MAN"} Florida Man, Florida Man/Caught diseases from Dublin Man/E. coli in his tums/Now he has real bad runs/Nobody wins...Florida Man.
Kathleen: Those songs were delightful. Why don't we have the "Feed Dump Band" chime in?
{CUT TO IAN PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT WHICH MAKES A FAST CASTANET SOUND}
Kathleen: Oh, right, that's why. Never mind.
Cameron: So, after being tazed and captured, where was the Dublin man released to?
Kathleen: Well,...hold on, hold on. He...the article doesn't SAY he was tazed. He may have been taken to custody peacefully.
Cameron: Why no taze?!
Graham: Pretty sure standard procedure for shit-covered drunks is that you taze them, tag them so you can track their migratory patterns and then release them back into the wild.
Kathleen: No...he wasn't shit-covered when they ARRESTED him! After they arrested him and them booked him for assault, then he decided he would get naked and then poop and then smear poop all over his jail cell and himself as a {FINGER QUOTES} "dirty protest".
Cameron: Ohhhhhhhhh. Ew.
Graham: That's the kind of {FINGER QUOTES} "protest" that only really...hurts you. "Hey, officers, I covered myself and my whole room in shit! Now what?! Huh?! What now?! Now what are you gonna do?! You...y...you're gonna leave me it. You're gonna just leave it...here and me all...covered...crap."
Cameron: I suppose, depending on what they feed you in prison in Dublin, this could be like the opposite of a hunger strike, wherein you actually need to eat all the prunes and baked beans that they are just, like, cramming into you...possibly using an IV.
Graham: {SINGING TO TUNE OF THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS' "PARTICLE MAN"} Dublin Man, Dublin Man/Has difficulty making long-term plans/Covered himself in shit, nobody wins/Dublin Man
Kathleen: Japanese police have arrested a 29-year-old woman after she stabbed her husband in the face because he dropped a dookie so bad in the bathroom that she was left with no other recourse (according to her, at least).
Cameron: This is very exciting. I'm not sure we've ever had a documented case of a full-on "Category 5 dooker". {GRAHAM CHUCKLES A BIT}
Graham: You can DO that?! You can just stab a motherfucker when they stink up the bathroom?!? That would solve so many problems here!
It'd cut down on staff, though. {KATHLEEN GIGGLES}
Cameron: Yeah, it really turns into a kinda "Battle Royale" situation. In which case, I choose "garbage can lid".
Graham: {COUNTS OFF ON HAND} Like, we've got Febreeze...we got that "poo pourri" stuff, we have an OFF-brand "poo pourri", we got "Air Effects"...I didn't know we could just use a knife!
Cameron: I suppose when a smell becomes bad enough, it takes on a certain metaphysical quality and you can actually just straight-up murder it with a knife. It's kind of like fighting the demons in "Doom". We've tried prayer for all these years, nobody tried a double-barreled shotgun until the 90s.
Graham: I know that advertisers in Japan prey on "not offending other people with your smell" but this is WEIRDLY sociopathic for Japan!
Cameron: Can you imagine the chain of events that led to this stabbing? Like, imagine laboring to create this thing...and coming storming out of the bathroom being, like, "Honey, get your sketchbook! You have to see what has been fashioned here! I have '3D printed' a model of the Great Pyramid of Giza with my body!" And then she just STABS you. What an emotional roller-coaster!
Graham: And in a SQUAT-toilet, no less!
Cameron: After all of this, I need to know that it wasn't flushed! That it was not destroyed. That it still exists in its original pristine state, existing as a memorial to itself.
Graham: Make an "exclusion zone", like Chernobyl. Helicopter in a sarcophagus to place upon it.
Cameron: At this point, I really want to know whether she was offended by it or whether she just had to kill anyone else who had seen it?
Graham: And then, around the border to the zone, they can erect signs inscribed, "Here lies a dooker so righteous it got a man stabbed"!
Kathleen: Graham, that was a beautiful and touching description of that turd...
Graham: Don't say "touching".
Kathleen: ...and (I can't believe I'm going to say that but) maybe we can have the "Feed Dump Band" do a little bit of memorial music.
{CUT TO IAN PLAYING A SLIDE WHISTLE TO A TUNE}
Kathleen: OK, that's enough of that. Uh, let's just move on to the next story. And, Cam, this will be right up your alley...
Cameron: Please don't say, "up my alley".
Kathleen: ...as our "Animal Smuggling Expert", although we're dealing with sort of..."pre-animals"...because a farmer in Minnesota is out a lot of money because somebody stole $70,000 worth of bull semen from him.
Cameron: I think the obvious question is why did they describe in terms of money rather than volume?
Kathleen: Well, hold on, hold on. {READS FROM iPHONE} It's actually just one jug. {CAMERON SOUNDS SICK OFF-CAMERA} No, no, it's a jug that's filled with vials. A vial of bull semen can be worth anywhere from 300 to 1500 bucks apiece. Bull semen is big business.
Cameron: So let me get this straight: one jug...{LOOKS ABOUT TO THROW UP}...of bull semen...costs $70,000! Is insurance really hard to get for the people who masturbate bulls?! Actually, I just answered my own question. Of COURSE, it is.
Graham: At $70,000 a...jug,...why did Dennis Nedry fuck around with dinosaurs?!
{CUT TO IAN PLAYING THE "JURASSIC PARK" THEME ON THE CONCERTINA}
Kathleen: OK, I think we're done here.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Oh, NOW we're done...great.
Kathleen: Anyhow, I would like to thank Ian for appearing for the first (and only) time as the "Feed Dump Band".
{CUT TO IAN PLAYING A NOTE ON THE CONCERTINA}
Kathleen: And I would like to thank Graham and Cam for all of the {FINGER QUOTES} "jokes". And I would like to thank YOU for watching 200 episodes of this show! And remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON LARGE RAINBOW-COLORED HAT}...THIS hat which keeps the sun off my head and makes my look like a Smurf on drugs. Feed Dump: come for the poop references, stay for the drug humor!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{CUT TO CAMERON}
Cameron: I've always wanted to beat someone to death with a garbage can lid.
Is this actually going to be, like, a vial of bull semen?
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} It's actually several vials but not that much. Yeah, it's like one jug. {CAMERON CRACKS} A vial of bull semen is valued at...
Cameron: {MOVES MICROPHONE TO KATHLEEN, LAUGHING} Please...
