A Serge of Justice Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- A Serge of Justice

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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "secret parties that happened at PAX East". I am "one that I found of craigslist and was not what I was expecting". Joining me this week is "the Bl-ockstar Party"...

Serge: Blizzard and Rockstar crossover party! Guys, I got to play the exclusive "GTA: Azeroth"!

Graham: ...and "the SECRET-EST secret party".

Beej: Yo, that party was LIT! I had a great time!

Graham: {TO BEEJ} That was just YOU in your ROOM in your UNDERWEAR with a bottle of champagne!

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Highlights in the next "Loading Time"!

{GRAHAM DOES THE "CUT" SIGN TO THE CAMERA}

{TITLE: HILIGHTS HAVE BEEN SEALED AS "EVIDENCE"}

Graham: A twelve-year-old girl from New York accidentally ran the New York Half-Marathon.

Serge: Only half? She STARTED the marathon; why didn't she FINISH it?

Beej: Fucking millennials! Wait, she's twelve years old...does that make her a "super-millennial" or, like, a "Bernie bro" or...what am I shooing off my lawn this week?

Serge: Ut-uh. "UBER-millennial".

Beej: No, it says she RAN. She didn't need to hire a car at all. Also, I hear Lyft is {FINGER QUOTES} "cooler".

Graham: {GROANS IN FRUSTRATION} She didn't run HALF a marathon. She ran a HALF-MARATHON. But she signed UP for a "5K", which is about 3.1 miles. And when she got there and saw that people were running, she thought, "Oh, no! I'm late!" and jumped into the half-marathon, which is 13.1 miles...and just sorta went with it.

Beej: Oh. I owe this girl an apology. I'm still working on the "couch" part of my "couch-to-5K".

Serge: This is why we have to teach metric in American schools. So you don't accidentally confuse 13.1 miles for 5K.

Beej: Or maybe a lesson on how to resist peer pressure. Maybe one of those multimedia presentations where Corey Haim and Corey Feldman show up.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} What are you, fifty?!?

Beej: I dunno. How much is that in miles?!

Graham: To her credit, she realized about half-way through but figured, "Well, I'm in it now," and finished with a time of 2:43:31...which...is...good? I actually have no idea how that is as a half-marathon time. I just know it's better than mine!

Serge: {READING FROM iPHONE} I just looked this up: the average time for a woman in a marathon in the States is two hours and twenty-one minutes! She was only twenty minutes off at her first time!

Beej: Well, sure. But, I mean, she's twelve years old, y'know? She's, like, slight of build, low to the ground, less wind resistance. Of COURSE, she's gonna crush it.

Serge: Seriously, Beej, what's YOUR half-marathon time?

Beej: If we extrapolate from the ONLY 5K I've ever run in my life - which was when I was, like, 14 years old - uh, it would probably be WELL over four hours. And you can learn how in my new guide, "Couch-to-5H".

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN, whispering} The "H" is for "hours".

Graham: A man from Kentucky was arrested when his plane landed in North Carolina because he had peed on it.

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} On North Carolina?

Graham: On the plane.

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} In Kentucky?

Graham: In-flight.

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Well, then, we wasn't ANYWHERE, was he?

Serge: I've peed on planes PLENTY of times and I've RARELY been arrested form it.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Wait, what?!

Serge: I...NEVER! Heh...never.

Beej: Wait wait wait. We are looking at this through the wrong angle. We should "Encyclopedia Brown" this shit. Um, maybe he didn't pee in a toilet.

Serge: Maybe he wasn't peeing urine. I don't know.

Beej: Maybe he peed {SHOWS A HAND LIKE A PLANE AND GESTURES WITH THE OTHER} ON the plane.

Graham: I admit, when I first read the headline "Man Pees On Plane", I also thought he was peeing on the EXTERIOR of the plane to claim it as territory. But, no. The police report is QUITE detailed in that he stood in the middle of the aisle, dropped his pants, arched his back and peed on the floor.

Beej: North Carolina has a lot of unfortunate news regarding bathrooms recently.

Serge: Maybe there are no RULES when you're flying. Do those count as {FINGER QUOTES} "international waters"?

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Serge, there's no water in the air!

Serge: Have you never heard of RAIN?!

Beej: Serge, I don't think it counts if you arch your BACK and go "MAKE IT RAIN!"

Graham: {LOOKING AT BEEJ WITH CONCERN BEFORE CONTINUING} The man has been charged with the criminal complaint of "destruction of aircraft".

Serge: Yeah, I'm going back to my first guess of peeing not-urine.

Beej: It's eating through the HULL!!

Graham: The mayor of a small town in upstate New York has been charged with stealing 111 road signs FOR his small town from the New York Department of Transportation.

Beej: Is this the same town that had the Ham Raffle? Do any of these signs say, "This way to Ham Raffle"?

Serge: No, no, guys, this mayor is like the Robin Hood on mayors!

Beej: How is he like Robin Hood?! He takes from the state and he gives to WHO exactly?!?

Serge: I dunno. The story said he was stealing signs for his town, not for himself. And there's gotta be at least ONE "evil sheriff" chasing him now. Robin Hood. {POUNDS FIST INTO HIS HAND TO PUNCTUATE POINT}

Beej: We don't know what's motivating the mayor in this case. I mean, this could just be one of his campaign promises that he's finally making good on.

Serge: So this young mayor gets up on the podium, looks the crowd in the eye and is just, like, "Signs, signs. Everywhere the signs. Blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind. 'Do this', 'Don't do that'...can't you read the signs?"

Beej: Serge, that wasn't a campaign speech. That was just the lyrics to a song by Five Man Electrical Band.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Any five-man electrical band in specific?

Beej: THE Five Man Electrical Band?

{SHOT OF SERGE SMILING THAT BEEJ GOT THE REFERENCE}

Serge: I think a more IMPORTANT question is WHERE did he get these signs? Did he just steal them from elsewhere in the state?

Graham: So the thing is, despite the town of Frankfort having about 7300 people, apparently being mayor of it is not that much of a job because the mayor - Frank Moracco - is also a foreman a Department of Transport sign shop...where he, apparently, embezzled signs.

Serge: This just further reinforces my theory of "Sign Robin Hood". By day, innocent sign man. By night, he goes out in the cover of darkness and puts up signs! YES! JUSTICE!!

Beej: He NOT an {FINGER QUOTES} "innocent sign man"!! We've already established that!

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} No, Beej! He was doing it for the good of the town!

Beej: No! Robin Hood was NOT mayor of Sherwood and also worked for the mint!!

Serge: You just don't appreciate my vision.

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} I just don't UNDERSTAND your vision!!

Graham: My favorite part of this story is that the article - on the Associated Press wire - has a typo where, instead of "petty larceny", it is written as "petyt larceny". Just a very small amount of larceny. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but...{PUTS ON A BLACK BERET}...they don't have THIS "chapeau"...uh, and,...we can talk about "petit larceny" all we want. Just the tiniest amount. Just a wee...a "oui"...a "yes" amount of larceny? That doesn't work. "Une petit peu" amount of larceny. It'll be great. It'll be..."bonne".

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} C'est magnifique!

Graham: C'est magnifique! It'll be...spectacularrrrr. Oui.

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{SHOT OF GRAHAM TALKING ABOUT THE "TYPO" IN THE LAST STORY, BEEJ LAUGHING OFF-SCREEN}

Graham: {HOLDING iPHONE} "Petyt larceny"!

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} It's really good! Can we, can we cram some together and...

Graham: It's 111 signs! That's not that small!

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} No...well, I mean, they stack real thin.

Graham: Oh, that's true.