The Spirit of the Duvet Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Spirit of the Duvet
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where I am back and on my throne as the rightful host of this damn program! And joining me this week is someone who claims HE is the rightful host of this program...
Cameron: {HOLDING UP MICROPHONE} The Lady of the Dump, her arm clad in shimmering saymite, held forth Excalibur from the frothing steamy waters, signifying that I, Cameron, was King of the Dumps!
Kathleen: ...and someone who claims he's "Dump Master Flash".
Beej: {WEARING A WIDE-BRIMMED GREEN FURRY HAT, GREEN "WINDOW BLINDS" GLASSES AND AN OLD ALARM CLOCK AROUND HIS NECK} But I had such great plans to take this in a fresh new direction!
Kathleen: Y'know what, guys? Maybe we could ALL be the hosts of Feed Dump. {BEEJ REACHES IN TO GRAB THE MIKE, BUT KATHLEEN SMACKS IT AWAY} JUST KIDDING! I'M the rightful hostess of this program!! ME!! BACK OFF! Get your own show!
{TITLE: ALL HAIL ME! HOST, PANELIST, EDITOR}
Kathleen: According to a Loch Ness Monster expert who has spent the last 24 years of his life searching for the monster - by the way, giving up his home, job and girlfriend in the process - he's looked at the evidence and says, {READING FROM iPHONE} "Y'know what? After speaking to eye-witnesses, the most likely solution is that the Loch Ness Monster is a Wels catfish."
Cameron: What about the plethora of evidence? The overexposed, overblown pictures that could be literally anything? The half-baked rantings of local drunks?! The mountain of Lock Ness merchandise?!? All this proves, incontrovertibly, that there is a Loch Ness Monster!
Beej: I highly doubt it's a catfish; the Scots would've eaten it by now.
Cameron: Only after stuffing it with oatmeal and the guts of another animal.
Kathleen: Man, can you IMAGINE spending 25 years doing something only to come to the conclusion that your whole life had been a lie?
Cameron: Yes.
Kathleen: Heh-heh-heh.
{SHOT OF BEEJ AND CAMERON}
Beej: Look, dude, if you're feeling lonely, just come to B.C. Go to Okanagan Lake. No one has dis-proven "Ogopogo" yet.
Cameron: Or the "cadborosaurus"
Beej: {LOOKS TO CAMERON ODDLY} Sorry, what?
Cameron: The "cadborosaurus", Victoria's very own aquatic cryptid. Ours is salt-water-based.
Beej: That is some disappointing naming. Like "RC Cola"-level naming.
Cameron: I prefer to think of it as the "Faygo" of cryptids.
{BEEJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO BARF BEFORE WE GO BACK TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: A Massachusetts city official, who had been hearing complaints form his constituents for months that the crosswalks in their neighborhood were too faded and hard to see and therefore dangerous, took matters into his own hands over the weekend and re-painted them with special green paint. For that, the city that he works for charged him with two counts of destruction of property.
Cameron: I realize we haven't seen the picture of this man but...are we SURE he's not black?
Beej: What the fuck is WRONG with this town? If you're cutting a ceremonial ribbon, do you get ticketed for littering? If you're having a parade, does everyone get written up for jaywalking?! I mean, what happens if you ACTUALLY do something wrong?!
Cameron: I think they probably just buy you a meal at Burger King.
Kathleen: If you MUST add insult to injury, also note that this guy is gonna be charged $4000 for the cost of clearing up the paint.
Cameron: Wow, that Greek austerity's coming for fucking everyone!
Beej: I think he should just do the right thing and go clean it up himself...with a jackhammer.
Cameron: From hell's heart, I paint at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last paint at thee...
Kathleen: {CONCERNED} Cam, that was scarily hardcore.
Cameron: "Moby Dick" be some heavy shit.
Beej: {IN HOARSE WHISPER} Call me "Brushpail".
Kathleen: Police in Manchester were baffled after reports of a dead animal in a canal turned out to be a duvet stuffed with coconuts.
Cameron: So, like, basically, you're out on the lines, checking your traps for duvets and you find one...and you're sitting out there in the woods, gutting it of all, like, the filth...and you stuff it with coconuts to bring it back home and preserve it and mount it...and you're driving back home and it blows off the back of your truck and lands in the canal...and you don't even stop. You don't even stop to pull it out of the cana...that's disrespectful. That dishonors the duvet's spirit.
Beej: Frankly, I'm appalled. My white ancestors would've used ALL parts of the duvet.
Cameron: Savages!
Beej: Okay, but in all honesty, how does a duvet filled with coconuts in a canal look anything like an animal?!
Cameron: How does a duvet filled with coconuts end up in a CANAL?!
Beej: {HOLDING HIS HAIR} How does a duvet get filled with COCONUTS?!?
Cameron: {TO CAMERA} Which one of you gave coconuts to Manchester?
{SHOT OF BEEJ AND CAMERON}
Beej: {TO CAMERON} I told you this would happen if we give them blankets!
Cameron: They'd just fill them up with coconuts!
Beej: Yeah, and threw them right in the canal!
Cameron: Decided they looked like an animal, I guess...
Beej: ...and called the police...
Cameron: ...who...were baffled.
{PAUSE}
Beej: That's pretty much the whole story.
Cameron: Yeah. Huh...well, I guess that explains it...
Kathleen: Look, there's a lot of mysteries in this story that we're not gonna be able to answer. But I can tell you how someone thought this was a dead animal. Turns out there was a guy walking along the canal in the evening and noticed a mysterious package floating there. So he hauled it out of the water and onto dry land and then he realized, according to the police statement, {READS FROM iPHONE} "that it might be a dead animal because it had a strong odor and was leaking white fluid".
Cameron: Well, it's hardly conclusively animal. It could be anything vegetable or mineral at that point!
Beej: Specifically, what kind of animal leaks white fluid?!
Cameron: {LIGHTLY CLEARING THROAT} "Leak" isn't the word I'D use...
Beej: No, really, did they think they pulled up Bishop from "Aliens"?!
Cameron: "Apologetically dribbles".
Kathleen: Look, we may never find out the true meaning behind the "coconut duvet" but it doesn't matter because, sadly, it's time for this episode to come to a close. And, remember, there may be better sources of news...but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS YELLOW TOQUE WITH TEDDY-BEAR-LIKE FACE AND BLACK ANTLERS}...which I got in Nara in Japan and it is the Nara Park deer mascot. His name is "Shikamaru" and he's adorable. And, uh, there's a lot of deer there and you can feed them and they're very cute but some of them are pushy. Uh, some of them are just, like, "Yeah, human, gimme that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah." And they kinda have some expectations. Uh, it's not a healthy relationship is what I'm saying. I feel like some of those deer, uh, need to re-assess their priorities. But, aside from that, the deer in Nara are very cute. I don't know where I'm going with this. Good-bye, everybody.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Police in Manchester were baffled after reports of a dead animal in a canal turned out to be a duvet filled with coconuts...{BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING, BEEJ JOINING OFF-SCREEN}
Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} You were so close.
Kathleen: {THROUGH LAUGHS} So stupid!
