Bear Ass Suit Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Bear Ass Suit
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump and, this week, because summer is still wearing on, we are "increasingly creative ways to get completely shit-faced". I'm "butt-chuggin'". That's where you put alcohol in your butt. Joining me this week is "powdered alcohol"...
Alex: I'm the bump that bumps you off!
Kathleen: ...and "a rum-soaked tampon".
Ian: Apply me to the mucus membrane most appropriate for you.
Kathleen: Also, don't do any of these 'cause will die.
{TITLE: ALCOHOL POISONING: NOT JUST FOR SPRING BREAK!}
Kathleen: A 19 year old woman from Manchester had to call the police to let her out of a nightclub because the previous evening, she had passed out drunk in the toilets and didn't come to until 7:15 am.
Alex: That story dove-tailed suspiciously well with our intro.
Ian: I understand it's a good idea to build your nest nearest to a primary food source, but this is going a little bit overboard.
Alex: Shorty in the club, all night. All night, into the morning. Shorty live at the club.
Kathleen: If your friends are the kind of people who will just abandon you in a nightclub bathroom and not even look for you, maybe they're not your friends. And if you wake up in a nightclub bathroom at 7:15 in the morning, maybe you should re-evaluate some other life choices you've made along the way.
Ian: No, no. This is making more sense. It's a lot easier to do a mating dance when the mates are nearby. And then, when your eggs finally DO hatch, you can vomit directly into their mouths even easier.
Kathleen: {TO IAN} Did you hear a SINGLE word I said, Ian, or are you just doing your own thing?
Ian: {WEARING PITH HELMET AND FLAK JACKET} Well, we ARE talking about young "birds", aren't we?
Kathleen: {WEARING REFEREE SHIRT AND HOLDING WHISTLE, SIGHING} At least my whistle's on-brand.
Ian: {WITHOUT HELMET OR JACKET} Oh, no. I get it. It's like one of those sleepovers at the zoo or at the museum...but for alcoholism.
Alex: {WEARING LONG-HAIRED RED WIG, TALKING LIKE TEEN-AGED GIRL} Omygod, Bethany. It'll be so great! We'll go to the museum, we'll get so fucked up! I just want ta retch till my throat is on fire.
Ian: Oh, and look! A new Jackson Pollack!
Kathleen: {SANS REF SHIRT AND WHISTLE} Firefighters had to be called in to help rescue a Colombian man who had somehow gotten four curtain rings stuck around his penis. Apparently, paramedics just didn't have the tools for the delicate operation at hand.
Alex: A "delicate operation"...with saws and pliers.
Ian: You think maybe he'd WANT the "jaws of life" to be used on him? Y'know, just not to insult his manhood?
{SHOT OF ALEX AND IAN, RECREATING THE SCENE SPOKE OF}
Ian: {AS FIREMAN} OK, so we'll get out these TINY little saws and this precision bolt cutter and we'll just get right in there...
Alex: {AS VICTIM, AGGRAVATED} FINE! Fine, I get it! I get it!
Kathleen: After the man's penis had been freed, he was taken to hospital for medical and psychological care, according to officials, because he may have faced some trauma relating to the embarrassment of the situation. No shit!
Alex: So, people bullshit the ER about slipping in such a way that an entire shampoo bottle ends up up their ass. This one seems a LOT harder to explain away.
Ian: Why wouldn't you stop after the FIRST curtain ring, then?
Alex: So, you see, I was...hanging the curtain and a stiff breeze came along and blew AWAY my pants, causing me to become momentarily erect...at which point I stepped UPON the soap and my body became inverted and I was...unfortunately inserted INTO the rings...
Kathleen: {HOLDING UP BLUE MEDAL} And the award for "Greatest Use of the Passive Voice" in 2015 goes to Alex!
Alex: {HOLDING MEDAL AS APPLAUSE IS PLAYED IN BACKGROUND} I have become pleased that this award entered my hand.
Ian: We STILL have some unanswered questions here. First, were the curtains still attached to the rings? And b), did the curtains match the carpet?
Alex: {TO IAN} "b)"?! What happened to "second"?!
Ian: The fire fighters got to second.
Kathleen: A man in Alaska shocked bystanders when he donned a full-body grizzly bear costume and then went and harassed a mother grizzly bear and her two cubs before a wildlife official chased the animals away. In the "Understatement of the Year" Award, the official then said, "That's a really dangerous thing to do."
Alex: {TO KATHLEEN} Could you clarify {FINGER QUOTES} "the animals"? Did that include the guy in the suit?
Kathleen: No, the officials chased the bear and her cubs away. The guy who was in the bear outfit just got back into his car and drove away without taking off the head or answering questions. {SHRUGS} Officials say his motives were unclear.
Ian: Two things. Second, good on him for actually keeping the head on; apparently, you should never remove a mascot helmet when you're wearing a furry suit. And second, "harassed"?!
Alex: {TO IAN} "Harassed"...as in his suit. "Hair-assed" suit. The suit has a hairy ass; there's hair on his ass..."hair-ass"..."hair-ass-ment"...
Unknown Male: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, my GOD! {JUMPS AT ALEX AND STARTS TO CHOKE HIM}
{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}
Alex: He just drove away. How are they gonna catch this guy? Honey pot? {NOW IAN GOES TO CHOKE HIM}
{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}
Ian: No, you're right, Alex. They'd use a sting operation but...bears don't feel those. {NOW ALEX GOES TO CHOKE *HIM*}
{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}
Alex: Is this something he does often or was this his debut?
Kathleen: Man, I hope not because, after such a strong debut, whatever sophomore album he puts out is really gonna be a disappointment.
Ian: So the "polar" opposite, then. {ALEX AND THE AFOREMENTIONED MALE GO TO CHOKE IAN FROM EITHER SIDE}
{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}
Kathleen: OK, we should probably wrap this up before the choking bits get any more "grizzly"...
Alex: {OFF-SCREEN} COME ON! {IAN GROWLS AS WELL}
Kathleen: But, remember, there may be better sources of news, but they won't tell you NOT to do all those alcohol things we mentioned at the beginning because those are very literally dangerous...although maybe not as dangerous as interfering with a bear, but...oh, yeah, and they might not have THIS hat, aside from that sage advice I'm dispensing. THIS hat...{DONS ESPEON TOQUE}...is an Espeon hat. And it was given to us by "Blue Defender" or {HOLDS UP SCRAP OF PAPER TO READ FROM} John. And, uh,...I mean, I don't really have a lot to say about this hat. It's very cute, it fits my head...it's actually kinda big on me maybe it'll fit Graham. {FLIPS "EARS" ON HAT} It's an Espeon. My Poke-mans, let me show you them.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Alex: {TO KATHLEEN} Are you SURE this isn't actually a classic Python bit?!
