A Scarecrow to Nowhere Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- A Scarecrow to Nowhere
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, in honor of PAX coming up this week, we are also places that you can't go. I'm Heaven because you're not dead and unfortunately, watching Feed Dump excludes from getting into Heaven, so {SHRUGS} womp-womp. Joining me this week is space,
Cam: {SCOFFS} You? Space? With all that meat? {LAUGHS IN DISDAIN}
Kathleen: And home again.
Paul: Sorry, kid, your bedroom is now the storage room, which we always wanted.
Kathleen: Uplifting bunch, aren't we?
{TITLE: OTHER PLACES YOU CAN'T GO: FUNKYTOWN OZ INSIDE A COLON}
Kathleen: New York police are on the hunt for an ill-mannered woman who is riding the F-train. She was sitting there and the train was really full, but she had her bags on the seat next to her and when someone asked to move her bags, she refused. When that person tried to sit down anyhow, she reacted by scratching them, pulling their hair and then biting them on the arm.
Cam: {LAUGHS} Sounds like a pretty typical ride on my F-train. Heyo! {HOLDS UP HAND TO PAUL FOR HIGH-FIVE, BUT PAUL LEAVES HIM HANGING} No? Okay, yeah, alright {LOWERS HAND} Yeah, that's also pretty typical, to be honest.
Paul: Okay, maybe there are signs that say you shouldn't put your bags on the seat. But there isn't any signs that say you're not allowed to bite and scratch people. So if we can just make up rules whenever we want, then that's just not fair.
Cam: What, is big government just coming for your teeth and fingernails now? Thanks, Obama!
Kathleen: And thanks to Obamacare, she was able to afford to go to a hospital and have her arm checked out, and then get tested to see if she'd contracted HIV, hepatitis, rabies or whatever else makes you bite another person for no good reason.
Paul: I mean, technically, you could probably argue that biting somebody on the arm is a form of free speech.
Cam: Yeah, no, I can see that. It's the kind of free speech where you express yourself using your teeth using the medium of someone else's arm, and perhaps modulate your message in the form of their screams.
Paul: Coming soon to the MoMA.
Cam: This is only confirming my fear that one out of every seven people is actually a giant ambulatory Rat King wearing a coat.
Paul: {WEARING MICKEY MOUSE HAT AND BLACK COAT, ACTING AS SAID RAT KING} We don't know what you're talking about.
Kathleen: Staff members at a Spokane jail foiled an escape attempt because they spotted... the knotted bed sheets hanging out the jail cell window.
Cam: Seriously? Come on!
Paul: So is he stealing everybody else's sheets? Or did he just use his own and just tied two sheets together, which is really not that impressive. I feel like people are gonna notice when their sheets go missing, or if you ask for more sheets where the first question's gonna be "What happened to the ones you had?"
Cam: Paul, you're giving this guy way too much credit. In the Wile E. Coyote spirit of what he is doing here, what you do is you untie the sheet from the top and then you tie it to the bottom. That way, it's-it's sustainable and you never run out.
Kathleen: The whole thing went down at about 4:30 in the morning when a jail staff member happened to see that there is a... sheet-rope hanging outside of the jail and thought "Hmm, that's probably not a good idea," and the whole jail was put on lockdown and the escape attempt was thwarted. Uh, then the two inmates who had tried to do this were moved to a cell on a different floor with a very tall but very narrow window to taunt them with.
Cam: Wait wait wait, {HOLDS UP TWO FINGERS} two people? You mean, two people collaborated on this? Somebody came up with the idea and then somebody else was like "Yeah, that sounds good, let's work on this."
Paul: I hope that in addition to putting them in this other cell, they put them in charge of the laundry room, just to mess with them.
Cam: Honestly, foiling their escape attempt probably saved their lives. Who knows, they might have tripped and fallen down and drowned facedown in the dirt.
Paul: Or they might have been fatally surprised by a bee.
Kathleen: Russian authorities are trying a new strategy to guard a remote Trans-Siberia border post between Russia and China: {SHOT OF THE STRATEGY IN QUESTION} they've put up a scarecrow.
Paul: Either that border is very unimportant, or the Russians have a very low opinion of the Chinese.
Cam: Look, this kind of oversight doesn't work against Putin and it's not gonna work against Chinese migrants.
Paul: On the other hand, this is in the middle of nowhere in Siberia. Maybe there is a guard and he's just staying warm inside.
Cam: {WEARING CHINESE USHANKA AND HEAVY FUR COAT, ACTING AS SIBERIAN GUARD} Wait, you want me to stand outside waiting for people to cross? You're the first person I've seen in sixteen months, and I'm not convinced you're not a hallucination!
Paul: Where do you get straw in Siberia? It might actually be cheaper to send some poor guy out there to freeze his toes off.
Cam: Well, I see our two escapees with their knotted sheets have finally met a guard that they could bamboozle. {SHAKES HAND UNSURELY} Maybe.
Kathleen: Well, it's good to know we've moved past the era of Asian land wars into the era of no-one giving a single shit about vast tracks of uninhabited, boring, crappy land in the middle of nowhere. But you know what? There may be better sources of news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON BLACK CAP WITH GREEN AND BLACK VELCROABLE MOHAWK} which was given to use by Daniel. It's from an amusement park in "Yo-ta-boy", which apparently is the correct way of saying Gothenburg, which is the North American pronounciation. But this hat is not just silly, it's {PULLS OFF MOHAWK} convenient. That's right, I can go stealth. Sans mohawk, for those days when I'm just not feeling that excitable. But then, at night... {STICKS MOHAWK BACK ON THE VELCRO STRIP} Yeah, it's party time again. Woo! Let's go. {DANCES WITH FUNKY HAND GESTURES}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Paul: In her defense, I mean, maybe she had, like, a sandwich in her bag and then this person sat down beside her and squished the sandwich. That is reason to angry at someone.
Cam: And now we've blown the lid off their whole border security arrangement, I expect we'll be taken out by the spetsnaz at any second now.
