The Leaning Henge of Rome Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Leaning Henge of Rome

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we need caffeine to survive. I am a plain iced coffee. Joining me this week is an earl grey vanilla tea misto,

Kate: Graham, it's called a London Fog.

Graham: Well it's what they call it! And an iced venti non-fat hazelnut mocha.

Paul: I specifically requested no whipping cream, and yet as you can plainly see, whipping cream flots itself upon my drink.

Graham: And we're gonna relax and smell the fine brews.

{TITLE: SMELL THE FINE BREWS/NEWS}

Graham: As promised, a dog story. New York's Richmond county fair is cancelling the pig races this year and replacing it with an event involving dogs running down a plank and jumping into the water.

Paul: Is this a competitive event, or is just watching dogs running down a plank and jumping into the water.

Kate: I'm actually kinda hoping it isn't a competitive thing and it is just watching dogs run down a ramp, 'cause that sounds super fun.

Graham: {READING FROM IPAD} The labour day weekend fair will feature, this is a direct quote from the article, "dogs running down an elevated plank and diving into the water." They encourage fair goers to bring their own dogs if their dogs like to swim.

Paul: {WEARING BLACK PAX OPS 2008 CAP BACKWARDS} Aw man! We gave up pig races for this? This sucks. {TAKES THE HAT OFF, THROWS IT ON THE GROUND}

Kate: {CLAPPING} I'm so glad we gave up pig races for this!

Paul: Okay okay. How about we compromise and we do dogs running down an elevated ramp and then jumping into a big thing full of pigs.

Kate: I can get on board with that only if it's piglets.

Paul: You would rather see piglets being jumped on by a whole hoard of dogs rather than full-grown pigs?

Kate: Somehow it's cuter! {SHRUGS} I'm- 'cause I'm assuming all the dogs are puppies.

Puppies and piglets aside, what we really should be thinking about right now is the unemployed pigs. What are they doing?

Paul: {WEARING PIG EARS AND PIG SNOUT} THEY TOOK UR JERBS!!! {WAVES FIST}

Graham: In a recent study to gauge the inherent value of landmarks, what is Europe's most valuable landmark?

Kate: Um... Paris... su- {STARTS LAUGHING} Paris Tower? {LAUGHING} Eiffel Tower?

Aww, the internet's gonna think I'm stupid now. {LAUGHS}

Paul: The London Clock?

Kate: The... that arena? In Rome? The Rome Arena, I think it's called.

Paul: The tower that isn't straight anymore?

Graham: As it happens, you got it in one. The Paris Tower, colloquially known as the Eiffel Tower, is worth, apparently, five hundred and fifty-four billion dollars.

The tower ranked far ahead of other historic locations, including Rome's Colosseum at ninety billion, Milan's Duomo at eighty-one, the Tower of London at seventy, Madrid's Prado at fifty-eight, and even Great Britain's Stonehenge, or Rock Circle, I think, at ten billion.

Kate: Despite coming off as such an idiot in that last guessing game, I just want to say I'm pretty fuckin' smart, 'cause I guessed it in one.

Paul: Aah, somewhere Gustav Eiffel is like {MIMES RAISING THE ROOF} {IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE} "five hundred billion dollars bitches! Yeaaah!" Except he'd be doing it in a french accent, 'cause... French.

{WEARING BLACK BERET} {IN FRENCH} Cinq cents milliard de dollars, bitches!

Graham: A woman in Idaho is being treated for hypothermia after getting up at night and sleep-swimming down the river.

Paul: Aw man, how awesome would it be if you could sleep do all sorts of of physical activities? Be like, sleep weightlifting. You wouldn't even have to remember it and you'd just wake up more fit than when you went to bed.

Oh man! I bet that's what Michael Phelps' secret is! He's swimming while he's asleep!

Kate: Or, sleep baking! 'Cause then when you wake up, you smell freshly baked cookies and it smells really good in your apartment. OR! Better yet! Sleep bacon! Right? Yes.

Graham: Three french tourists were convicted of {AIR QUOTES} desecration in Sri Lanka, when they pretended to kiss a statue of Buddha.

Paul: Look, what you do with the Buddha in your own home is fine. But if you're doing it in public, it has to be decent.

Kate: Now this is getting a bit too confusing for me. One Buddha you can run up to him and rub his naked belly, and it's all well and fine, and the other one you can't even pretend to kiss him on the cheek?

Paul: No no, you see these are different representations of the Buddha. There's the laughing Buddha, which is, you know, the Happy Buddha, but this one is the Sexy Buddha, and you're not allowed to do anything with the Sexy Buddha. It could give him ideas.

Graham: They received a sentence of six months hard labour, suspended for five years, meaning they don't actually serve that time, and a small fine of fifteen hundred rupees. Which is about eleven dollars.

Kate: Can you imagine if they had actually kissed the Buddha statue, though? They would have been sentenced to like, what, a year of hard labour they'd never actually had to do, and maybe, oh, twenty bucks? Oh my god.

Paul: I think the real tragedy here is there's obviously a bunch of Buddha statues that are really hard up, and somebody needs to get out there and give 'em some lovin'.

Kate: But make sure you use protection.

Graham: Speaking of protection, protect yourself against... not... Feed Dump... news. And only... watch us. Because! There may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON LEOPARD PRINT COWBOY HAT} and... what's the point, if they don't have this hat? Like, what, what are you getting out of that? Not this! {POINTS TO LEOPARD PRINT COWBOY HAT} That's for sure.

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Paul: {WEARING BLACK BERET} {IN FRENCH} Cinq cents milliard de dollars, chiennes! It doesn't really work....