5 Second Rule Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- 5 Second Rule
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, it's September and that means fall's icy embrace is finally traveling over our overheated summer-weary bodies. And to celebrate, it is "pumpkin spice lattes season". But did you know there's OTHER kinds of lattes? I'm an "Allspice latte". Joining me this week is the "Old Spice"...
Paul: L-l-l-ladies...
Kathleen: ...and the spice "Melange".
Alex: It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. {"DUNE" THEME GROWS IN BACKGROUND} It is by the juice of arabica that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire the stains, the stains become a warning.
{TITLE: THE SPICE MUST FLOW}
{"DUNE" THEME CUTS OFF WITH A "RECORD SCRATCH"}
Kathleen: There's a new sensation sweeping the internet. It's the live intersection webcam from Jackson, Wyoming.
Alex: {TO KATHLEEN} Sorry...did you mis-say "inter-sectional" like it's at a conference or something?
Kathleen: You heard what I said! And what I said was that it's a traffic webcam. Just cars...trucks going by. People get REAL excited when a red truck goes by. "Red truck! Red truck!" they post.
Alex: I don't believe it. We found a rung below {FINGER QUOTES} "First".
Paul: Are there, like, a lot of accidents at this intersection or something? What makes this intersection so exciting?
Kathleen: Nobody knows, Paul. It's just one of those "internet things"....which is actually what the Associated Press news story about this, uh, attributes the popularity to: it being one of those {FINGER QUOTES} "internet things".
Alex: I shudder to think at all the other traffic webcams hoping to achieve virality now.
Paul: Aw, man. 7th and Finnerty used to be cool. But now they've really gone commercial.
Alex: {TO PAUL} They were commercial to START with; it's a shipping through-fare!
Paul: And everybody knows the Rosewood Crescent is just a "try hard" intersection.
Alex: #FakeIntersectionBoys, which is a hashtag that got WILDLY misinterpreted.
Kathleen: Good news: according to a new study from Rutgers University that was published in the American Journal of Microbiology, the "five-second rule" is not a thing and food gets dirty immediately. Do NOT eat food off the floor. {ALEX CHORTLES OFF-CAMERA A BIT} I can't believe that we had to have a study for this! And, not only that, this is a NEW study that has proven the results of PREVIOUS studies! The "five-second rule" is not real! Like, nobody went into this thinking that they could maybe prove it, right?!
Paul: "Mythbusters" proved that, like, YEARS ago! And, if you can't trust entertainment science, what CAN you trust?!
Alex: ACTUAL science?
Kathleen: {LEANING INTO ALEX'S SHOT} GMOS ARE POISON!
{ALEX BREAKS AND A TEST PATTERN IS SHOWN BRIEFLY}
Paul: Well, I think it's pretty clear that there isn't much difference between, like, food that has fallen on the floor and food that has fallen on the floor after five seconds. I would say that I would prefer to eat food that has fallen on the floor for five seconds than food that has fallen on the floor for, say, five HOURS.
Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE} Actually, Paul, {READS FROM iPHONE} the research did find that longer contact time DOES mean more bacterial transfer. However, the type of food and the surface it falls on is just as - or more - important. So you can eat a Chiclet that fell on the ground outside, but you should DEFINITELY not eat a rice cake covered in peanut butter that fell into a urinal.
Alex: Kids, don't eat piss food!
{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}
Kathleen: A Kansas man named Lawrence Ripple robbed a bank so he would not have to spend any more time alone at home with his wife.
Paul: He...he wanted to go to prison to make friends?!
Alex: {WITH CAP ON BACKWARDS AS PRISONER} Alright, I'm gonna teach ya how to kill a man with this toothbrush, then we're gonna have a nice bonding session after.
Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Lawrence John Ripple, 70, wrote a note stating he had a gun and wanted money and then walked into a Kansas City bank. The teller gave him $3000 and - instead of, like, going somewhere with his money - he sat down in the lobby and waited to be arrested. The money was then returned to the bank and he told police that he would "rather be in jail than at home" with his wife.
Paul: OK. I guess if those are the two only options. But...maybe you should...think about this one a little harder.
Alex: {ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE} A'right, Margaret, this isn't workin'. Couples counseling ain't panned out...our religion won't let us divorce...one of us has gotta go to prison. {FLIPS A COIN AND SLAPS IT ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND} Call it.
Paul: For his sake, I hope his judge doesn't have a sense of humor and sentenced him to "house arrest".
Kathleen: {ROLE-PLAYING AS MR. RIPPLE} "Margaret, I wanna leave you. You're a horrible wife." {THEN AS MRS. RIPPLE} "Yeah? Well, good luck finding someone who's gonna cook you three meals a day, clean up after you and do all your laundry!" {THEN BACK AS MR. RIPPLE} "Ha-ha! Checkmate, woman! Jail!"
Paul: Maybe this is just, like, a bet he made with his friends. "Wow! Y'know, you...you really did it. You went to jail. All right, I guess I owe you ten bucks. You can...you can let him out now."
Alex: Uhhh,...no. He really actually robbed a bank.
Paul: "Huh. Well, I guess I get to keep my ten bucks, then."
Kathleen: What have we learned here today, children? If you need to get away from someone, you should go to jail and not just...someplace where that person isn't. But, on that sad note, we have a HAPPY note: it's Eric's birthday! Eric, we were asked to wish you a happy birthday by your boyfriend, Stu. And we have loved to accommodate. So happy birthday, Eric...it was actually on the 7th but, y'know, close enough. And I hope you had a great day and are having a great day today and weekend and all that stuff. So, remember: there may be better sources of news...but they won't DO customized birthday greetings if you e-mail me ahead of time and ask nicely...and they don't have THIS hat...{DONS CAP WITH STRAIGHT "ANTENNAE" ON TOP}...which is from Ikea. It is a...{READS FROM BOX CAP CAME IN}..."LATTJO" and it is from Jeremy and Kimmie. {PAUSE} It actually feels like a pretty good hat. Like, I can feel...the antennae are sticking straight up. Like normally you get one of these novelty hats it's just kinda, like, two floppy probosci kinda sagging around and kinda feeling a little sad. Y'know, you got a little Hraal situation going on behind your head. But these are sticking straight up. They're quite, uh,...quite erect. {ALEX CHUCKLES OFF-SCREEN} I have nothing further to say about this hat.
Paul: {OFF-SCREEN} HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Kathleen: Happy birthday!
{KATHLEEN SWAYS THE "ANTENNAE" BACK AND FORTH AND ALEX REACHES INTO THE SHOT TO BAT ONE OF THEM}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Paul: It's true that being trapped in a bad relationship can sometimes feel like jail. But you know what ALSO feels like jail? Real actual jail!
Kathleen: Look at me! I'm a pillar of...{MASSIVE COUGHING AND HACKING FIT}...health.
