At Least You're Not Dead

According to your new mortician, you are not dead.

Vital Statistics

Date: January 28, 2005

Category: Music

Appearing: Andy

Writing: Andy

Music: Andy

Camera: Graham

Editing: Graham

Location: Andy's Front Hall

Synopsis

Andy performs a showtune he wrote himself.

Lyrics

Well I’m not much one for drinking, and Ill tell you rightly why. I drank myself unconscious on the last first of July. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in the morgue in a small refrigerator two by six. And to my humiliation, When I came to realization, This was one of cousin Hoover’s dirty tricks. Hung over and depressed I finally came to a decision, About my current state of shock. I’d consult my new mortician. (Wait for it.)

At least you’re not dead. That’s what my coroner said. Keep your feet on the ground, And your heart safe and sound, With your neck firmly glued to your head. At least you’re not croaked, And had your life license revoked. (That’s a stretch I know.) Teach your cousin Hoover the Heimlich maneuver, And make sure you don’t end up choked.

I knew a hypochondriac named Beth. Who found she was a trifle short of breath. She thought that she was sick, So she hurried double quick, To the doctor with a classic case of death. Said the doctor your asthmatic, And that’s nothing short of tragic, But it’s hardly rigamortis, And the problem of the sort is, Nothing but a crimson herring, To the issue that is bearing, Down upon your be solution little mind. There’s more to life than sickness you’ll find. Would you rather be a cadaver in a custom tailored box, Then be breathing and believing you’re as healthy as an ox.

Well, At least you’re not dead. That’s what my coroner said. Keep your feet on the ground, And you health safe and sound, With your neck firmly glued to your head. At least you’ve not kicked the bucked the bucket. And told the whole world to Fff… screw it. Cause to take your own life in a moment of strife, Is too painful so trust me don’t do it. At least your not six feet under, With your cranium cracked to sunder. Its much better to be and intact entity, With the rest of your life left to wonder. Why me?

I saw that life was not so bad and really could be nice. I undertook my undertaker’s good advice.

Behind the Scenes

"I wrote the majority of this song while standing on a street corner in downtown Victoria. I was a sandwich border,which means I stood outside all day with a sign around my neck advertising a restaurant. I had a nice boss and nice hours, but standing in the same place for six hours a day doing absolutely nothing is bound to depress anybody. So, I wrote a song about it. Also, if I ever get around to it, this song will appear in a musical I'm writing." - Andy

Triva

• Andy, who claims he can not play the piano, also played the piano version of the LoadingReadyRun intro in this video.

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