A Sacred Duty Transcript

Transcript for A Sacred Duty

Transcript

{Scene opens on a TV screen showing a Rock Band failure animation. As the restart menu opens, the camera swings around to show Matt, Paul and James standing in the lounge of Graham and Matt's apartment. Matt and Paul have Rock Band guitar controller, and James has a Guitar Hero controller.}

Matt: Seriously guys, this is not working with three guitars.

Paul: I think it'll work. We just need to get the hang of it.

Matt: Are you deaf? Did you not hear the booing? You can't have a band that's all guitars. One of us has to play a different part.

James: What if we switch parts?

Paul: Yeah, yeah, okay. {points at James} So then you play bass, {points at himself} I'll play lead and then Matt, you can pl- {points at Matt, who just stares at him} No that doesn't work. Okay, okay, Matt, {points at Matt, who sighs} you play lead, {points at himself} I'll play bass and then James, you can- No that doesn't work either.

James: What if I play bass?

Paul: Right, okay, so James plays bass, {points at himself} I play lead and then Matt, you play- {points at Matt, who's now face-palming} Dang it. There's a way that this works, I know it.

Matt: Look, it's like I've been telling you for the last half an hour, there are only TWO guitar parts! Hell, I don't know how you got the Xbox to recognize the third guitar.

Paul: Well, it wasn't easy, let me tell you.

{With a sigh, they take off their guitars and sit down, Paul and James on the couch and Matt on the sofa.}

Paul: If only Graham were here.

Matt: Why would that help?

Paul: {picks up Rock Band guitar and a second Guitar Hero guitar} Well, 'cos then we'd have an even number of guitars.

James: {shakes head} No. No, no, no, I'm not playing with Graham. He's been such an asshole lately.

Paul: Really?

Matt: Yeah. Yesterday, he stole my lunch money, and I'm still pulling my underwear out of my ass-crack from that wedgie.

James: I don't know what's gotten into him, but over the last couple days, he's been the biggest douche-bag ever.

Paul: It can't be that bad!

{Just then, we hear the door slam and Paul and James look up. The camera swings around and Graham comes barging into the room. He is wearing an green-and-white striped shirt with four popped-collars and a pair of sunglasses with reflective lenses, and is talking like the biggest jerk on earth.}

Graham: What's up, dickwads?

Matt: {nervously} Oh. Hi, Graham.

Graham: Hey! {tugs on his popped-collar then removes his sunglasses} Why are you guys looking at me like that?

Paul: Uh, no reason. What's up?

Graham: Thought I'd come by and chill with my homies here. {sits on the couch between Paul and James} Yeah, give me some love! {grabs Paul and James and pulls them in for a tight hug}

Paul: Oof! Just quit it! {he and James pull away}

Graham: Quit it! Hilarious. That is classic Paul! This is my impression of you: {in high-pitched voice} Oh, quit it, I'm a big baby! {laughs then holds out hand to James} High-five! {James doesn't comply} Hey, you got something on your shirt there, James. {James looks down then Graham bops him on the nose} Boo-yah, what's up! {holds out hand to Paul} High-five!

{Paul just stares at him then turns away with a sigh}

Graham: Well, screw you guys then. I'm gonna find me some hot bitches. {picks up sunglasses and puts them on} Unlike the ugly bitches around here. {jumps up and holds out hand to Matt} Matt, high-five! {Matt just glares at him} Too slow! {pulls hand away then flounces out of the room}

James: You see what we have to deal with?

Paul: {nods head solemnly} It's worse than I ever imagined. I hoped that this day would never come, but... now it's clear what I must do.

{Scene fades to a black-and-white shot of Graham's parent's kitchen, with the overlay 5 YEARS AGO. Paul and Graham are seated at the counter, Paul looking over a newspaper}

Paul: I don't know. How about Penrose Tiles?

Graham: Not bad, not bad. {beat} Paul, I have a favor I need to ask you.

Paul: No way, I need all my blood.

Graham: Nononono, this is serious. As we start getting more popular on the Internet, there's a chance that all that fame might go to my head and that I might become the one thing we despise above all else.

Paul: You mean...?

Graham: Yes. A giant douche-bag asshole.

Paul: Oh, I don't think-

Graham: No, now hear me out. Just in case that ever happens, you might be the only one who can stop me, which is why I need to give you this. {takes out a bright orange plastic ring and shows it to Paul} A Phailinite ring. {Paul carefully takes it} If I ever do become a giant douche-bag asshole, it might be the only thing that can stand in my way.

Paul: Well, I could... I could never...

Graham: And, and I hope you don't have to. But if that day ever comes, I need to know that I can trust you, to do what's necessary.

Paul: {sighs} You can count on me.

{Scene fades back to present day as Paul pulls the Phailinite ring out of his pocket, slips it onto his right hand and clenches it into a fist.}

Graham: {reentering the room} What's up, sluts? I just forgot my monogrammed toilet paper. {picks up toilet roll marked with cursive G's}

Paul: {coming up to him} Graham!

Graham: Yeah?

Paul: {points to the right} Look over there!

Graham: Huh?

{As Graham turns to look, the scene goes into slow-motion as Paul grabs his shoulders and delivers a swift and hard knee into the groin. Graham keels over with a groan of pain and his eyes widen in shock as he collapses to the floor, the toilet paper rolling out of his hand. Scene goes back to normal speed as Paul stands triumphantly over the vanquished Graham.}

Graham: {offscreen, weakly} Thank you... for... releasing me...

{James and Matt approach Paul and look down at Graham.}

James: Yeah, so what was the ring for?

Paul: What ring?

Matt: Uh, that cool Phailinite ring.

Paul: Oh, this. {lifts up hand to show the ring} Well... It looks pretty sweet, doesn't it?