Back in the Basement Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Back in the Basement

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where we had a great time at the Grammys because I...am the entire cast of "Hamilton". And joining me this week is "Taylor Swift"...

Serge: Thank you so much. I've always dreamt of what it would be like to win the...

Ben: {OFF-SCREEN} Now, I'mma let you finish...

{CUT TO BEN WEARING FLASHING-LIGHT PLASTIC GLASSES}

Ben: ...but this is the most topical reference of ALL time!

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN, HIS HAND COMING ON-SCREEN TO POINT AT BEN} ...and...and Kanye.

Ben: What even IS a Bitcoin?!

{TITLE: ALL ABOUT THE HAMILTONS}

Graham: If you run the drive-thru window at Wendy's, you probably have to put up with a lot of shit. But, if you run the drive-thru window at Wendy's in FLORIDA, be prepared for some throwing an alligator through the window. 'Cause that happened.

Serge: So, scenario A: y'know, they get bad service, they go out to the swamp, they catch an alligator, they come back. Scenario B: they just have this alligator on stand-by! And, considering it's a "Florida story", I'm KINDA thinking it's scenario B!

Ben: My question is how much did this meal cost and how much change do you give for an entire alligator?

Graham: Joshua James, 23, was charged with "aggravated assault" and "unlawful possession and transport of an alligator". His defense - I am not kidding - was, "It was just a prank".

Ben: Well, that sure SCALED exponentially.

Serge: All right, internet, "real talk". If you're a bad person, saying "it's a prank" doesn't make it better.

Ben: Upon convicting the boy, the judge then smacked down his gavel and said, "See ya later, alligator!"

Serge: All right, internet, "real talk". Remember that bad puns can kill.

Graham: Yeah. Ben, you don't know this yet but we have a three-strike pun-foul rule so you're one shady pun away from being fired into the sun.

Ben: OK, OK. But, like, in my defense, you keep me in the basement for months on end and I think of all these puns and then you let me out and what ELSE am I gonna do?!

Graham: A couple in Arkansas had to call in some police assistance to remove a pair of handcuffs that were being used for "not-regulation purposes".

Serge: I'm trying to form the picture in my mind where you have two people handcuffed badly enough that they have to call for help...but still have hands free enough to CALL for help.

Ben: No, you see, Serge, this was just the one couple that still had a CORDED phone in their house. And what was originally sexy foreplay turned out to just be the most efficient to really CALL their local police.

Serge: {CHUCKLES} Wait, whom am I kidding? What couple DOESN'T have sex while both of them have at least one hand on their smart phone.

Graham: {LOOKING AT AND FUTZING WITH iPHONE} Oh, yeah, amazing! Yes! I...what? {LOOKS DOWN AT IMAGINARY PARTNER} No, I just got a high score in "Alphaberry". You're doing great, though. {LOOKS BACK AT iPHONE} Awww.

Ben: But, in the end, I mean, what's a safer "safe word" than "9-1-1"?

Graham: AND, after letting the guy OUT of his handcuffs, the police ran a routine background check on his name...to find out he had an outstanding warrant. And they put him back in different handcuffs.

Serge: All right, internet, "real talk". Remember that 9-1-1 is for real emergencies. Next time, just call the locksmith.

Ben: Yeah, just call a locksmith. He don't judge and you know he's into WAY kinkier shit than you.

Graham: If you have a nine-year-old and an eleven-month-old that you are caring for, probably getting piss-drunk is NOT a responsible use of your day, as a couple from Wisconsin did. But, they did the right thing and realized they were far too drunk to drive these children home. So they did the only thing they could: they made the nine-year-old drive.

Serge: I mean, the car's already set up for this. The nine-year-old takes the wheel, the eleven-month-old is on the pedals and you've got a booster seat to strap the drunk parents into.

Ben: Yeah. And, I mean, now that both of them have driving experience, all they need is a car and they can work for Uber as a tertiary source of income for the family.

Serge: No, no, no. They start their OWN rival car-share called "Gerber".

Ben: Uhhh, I dunno. I feel like that would be, like, the weirdest "Aunty Getty's calendar months" ever.

Serge: {AS DRUNK PARENT} No, officer, it's fine. That's not my child, that's my grandfather! He's got that "Benjamin Button" disease.

Graham: It's worth noting that everyone is fine. And the parents have been charged with "recklessly endangering safety" and "neglecting a child"...which MIGHT work out better for them than a DUI charge?

Serge: At least they got to avoid the humiliation of having to call their friends to pick them up when their drunk.

Ben: Overall, it's just important to teach your child the importance of problem-solving.

Graham: In this case, the problem being the wife's already-outstanding charges for getting into a fight with some paramedics who were trying to help heal her hand when she got into a snowmobile accident.

{CUT TO BEN WITH HIS FIST AGAINST HIS LIPS, TRYING NOT TO PUN}

Serge: What, seriously? There's a pun there?

Ben: {MOUTH AGAINST FOREARM NOW, SHAKING HIS HEAD} No! No! No!

Serge: This is clearly bad for your health. Just let it out.

Ben: That's SNOW way to treat people trying to help you.

Graham: {SIGH} Normally, this is where we put you into the sea. But, since we have one more story, um, you'll just have to wear the "pun-ishment mask".

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} Aw, NUTS!

Graham: But enough about Florida or Wisconsin. Let's go to the cultural center of the U.S.: New York City...where officials have decided that it is too cold for an "ice festival".

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} Man, they're certainly giving that festival the COLD shoulder!

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} The hell, man?!

Ben: I'm already wearing the mask! I am immune!

Serge: New York City isn't even that far north. What's "too cold" for New York?!

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} Id say that it's the moment your delivery pizza shows up frozen.

Graham: When the hot dog vendors are finally forced to change the water.

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} When the Statue of Liberty has to wear earmuffs.

Graham: When the Times Square shops are forced to sell "I {SNOWFLAKE} N Y" T-shirts.

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} When the Ninja Turtles start fighting "Shiver" instead of "Shredder".

Graham: When groceries are in such short supply that people voluntarily go to Guy Fieri's American Bar & Grill. Try the "donkey sauce"!

Ben: {WEARING SQUIRREL MASK} When they try and drown someone in the Hudson river and the just...bounce.

Graham: OR, according to the official reports, "as low as minus-10".

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} Uh, Celsius, please?

Graham: Minus-23-point-three-repeating.

Serge: All right, New York City, "real talk". Minus-23 degress Celsius is really not that cold.

Graham: Certainly not cold enough to cancel an ICE festival!

Ben: {POINTS TO SQUIRREL MASK} That's not even cold enough for me to start hibernating! Gotta protect deez nutz!

Graham: That's it. You are not allowed back on Feed Dump for AT LEAST two months!

Ben: {OFF-SCREEN} No! Not the basement!!

Graham: But, for the rest of you, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS A BRIGHT RED FEZ THAT LOOKS ALMOST CHINESE}...which, um, owing to the size of ma fat head is sorta more like a yarmulke? It's not really supposed to be. I...I guess I could wear it, like, down on the front like that...jaunty. This is about as j...as jaunt as I can get. I can't engage maximum jaunt; that's sorta Alex's thing. Also, I look like an idea, so, hey!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Serge: {TO BEN} The new Moonbase doesn't HAVE a basement.

Ben: {OFF-SCREEN} That they've TOLD you about!