Bad Cops & Strong Pops Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump: Bad Cops & Strong Pops
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we've redecorated for Desert Bus! So I'm facing this way! {POINTS}
Paul: {PAUL'S FACE IS BARELY ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. WE CAN SEE THE TOP EDGE OF THE COUCH AND LITTLE MORE} I think someone stole the legs of our couch.
Graham: That's a good point. I'll raise the camera. I'm Graham, the batsman. Joining me this week is Paul, the wicket keeper:
Paul: That Ewok isn't going to escape under my watch!
Graham: and Johnny, the all-rounder.
Johnny: All round what?
Graham: I dunno, just... stuff? With Desert Bus coming up next week, we hope we can avoid the flus!
{TITLE: HOPE WE CAN AVOID THE FLUS/NEWS}
Graham: The police in Newfoundland, which is my favourite province to say, have found a stolen car... that was stolen three decades ago.
Paul: That is some crack detective work right there!
{SHOT OF PAUL AND JOHNNY. PAUL IS WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT; JOHNNY IS WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HAT}
Paul: {IN POLICE OFFICER HAT, LOOKING AT CLIPBOARD} Alright, so that's every crime from 1981 solved.
Johnny: {WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HAT} Now on to 1982!
Paul: {IN POLICE OFFICER HAT} Yeah!
{LOOKING AT CAMERA} We are very thorough cops.
Graham: According to the story, no arrests have been made, and the police are investigating.
Johnny: What are they gonna do, wait another thirty years staking out the place, hope he comes back?
Graham: 100,000 DVDs of the movie adaptation of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" had to be recalled when it was discovered that the back of the box described the movie as "the fascinating tale of courage and self-sacrifice."
Paul: That is the exact opposite of the sentiment being expressed in this movie! That would be like describing Predator as "a lighthearted romp through the forest in which nobody dies."
Johnny: Or describing Immortals as a "Dogma 95 film."
Paul: Good thing this didn't happen to Andrew Ryan. He would have just blown the DVD company out of Rapture's airlock.
Graham: In sad news, Canada's national robot games have been cancelled this year.
Paul: But the robot games was the only thing keeping poor disadvantaged robots off the street! What are they gonna do now?!
Graham: According to the president of the event, interest in building robots is dying.
Johnny: People get interested real quick in building robots when they need to defend themselves against a bored Killbot 9000.
Paul: Didn't they just make a Hugh Jackman movie about this? Like if Wolverine can't get you interested in building robots, nothing will.
Graham: Researchers have been able to genetically create a strain of mighty mice twice as strong as normal mice. Which brings us to our new segment, "What could be worse?"
{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD, YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF WHAT COULD BE WORSE. Graham: That was awful.}
Paul: What would be worse than super-strong mice? Hm... super strong earthworms?
They could burrow right through concrete! The early bird won't even know what hit it!
Johnny: Super strong grandmas? That'd be a terrible idea.
No little boy's cheek would ever be safe! {WHISPERING} They'd just rip it right off!
Paul: Super strong skunks would be really bad.
Johnny: Do you mean they... smell really bad, or they could just be really strong and lift things? 'Cause I don't like any of those ideas.
Paul: Yeah, 'cause if the smell is really bad, then it's just a horrible smell. If they can lift really heavy things, then you can't escape from the smell.
Is it weird that I imagine all these, like, super strong versions of animals like, being like, {MIMES BODYBUILDER} hurrrrr! Having, like, little teeny-weeny big muscles everywhere?
{PAN TO JOHNNY}
Johnny: It'd be like an anchor tattoo?
Graham: Of those three options, super strong grandmas might be the most likely, as they did this to try and combat muscle weakness in the elderly.
{SHOT OF JOHNNY AND PAUL, JOHNNY IS WEARING GRAY WIG AND FAKE MUSCLE SUIT}
Paul: {SIGHS} No, grandpa, I don't want you to lift me! {GRANDPA JOHNNY LOOKS SAD}
Johnny: {IN GRAY WIG AND FAKE MUSCLE SUIT} You kids better get off my lawn, or so help me God, hurrrRRRRRGH! {FLEXES} Grandpa smash!
Graham: The RCNP are very confused by a series of break-ins where the only thing stolen is underwear and sex toys.
Paul: And my faith in humanity.
{SHOT OF PAUL AND JOHNNY. PAUL IS WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT; JOHNNY IS WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HAT}
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Alright, we understand your concern, citizen, and we will get to the bottom of this, {LOOKS AT CLIPBOARD} but we have a pretty long list here, so you'll have to wait your turn.
Johnny: {WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HAT} It's a big list.
Johnny: If they'd just stolen money and jewelry, they could have just bought their own sex toys.
Paul: My hypothesis is that there's a sex shop right near them, but they know the person who runs it, and so it'll be super awkward to go in there, and so they decided this was easier.
Graham: Residents are being urged to ensure their doors and windows are secured.
Paul: Remember folks, always keep your sex toys safely locked away. Unless the locks are actually part of the sex toy.
Johnny: And keep the toys and the batteries in completely separate parts of the house.
Graham: Well, that's it for this episode, Desert Bus starts this Friday and until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON POINTED METAL ARMOR HELMET} this helmet!
Johnny: {OFFSCREEN} WHAT?!
Graham: {WEARING POINTED METAL ARMOR HELMET} They don't have this helmet.
Johnny: {OFFSCREEN} W-WHAT?!
Graham: {WEARING POINTED METAL ARMOR HELMET} This is really uncomfortable!
{FLUSHING SOUND CAN BE HEARD FROM UPSTAIRS BATHROOM}
{GRAHAM LOOKS AROUND}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF PAUL AND JOHNNY. PAUL IS WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT; JOHNNY IS WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HAT}
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} {LOOKS AT JOHNNY} ...are you from England?
