Bears: On Cans & In Scotland Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Bears: On Cans & In Scotland
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where if we got a space heater, we wouldn't be able to wear all these fancy sweaters. I'm master seaman Graham, joining me this week is assistant seaman, Kathleen.
Kathleen: I have much to learn in the ways of seaman.
Graham: And, stop making these seamen jokes, Cam.
Cam: I've already learned too much.
Graham: And we're all looking for more words to misuse!
{TITLE: LOOKING FOR MORE WORDS TO MISUSE/NEWS}
Graham: Coca Cola is replacing the red-on-white festive polar bear cans that they've released with white-on-red cans because there was some confusion maybe with consumers that thought it looked a little bit too much like Diet Coke. Now, I would agree with that, but the reason they're changing them is not because they think it's a problem, but because people complained on Twitter.
Kathleen: That's all it took?! I've been complaining about shit on Twitter for years and nobody's paying attention! Clearly, I'm not complaining about the right stuff.
Cam: Oh how embarrassing. All those letters I wrote to Coke are gonna be really dated when they arrive.
Kathleen: {TYPING ON IPHONE} Alright Twitter, "why are women's shoes either uncomfortable or ugly like seriously what the fuck?" AUGH character limit dammit.
Cam: {TYPING ON IPHONE} Uh, L-R-R, recording Feed Dump, couch really sucks.
Graham: For interest, I'd like to point out that this "article" was not written by anyone, because it's mostly just a collection of tweets and some brief editorial. It was "story-fied" by the CBC news community.
Kathleen: That's how you can tell it's an issue of great importance: that not even nature's most abundant resource, the unpaid intern, could be applied to it.
Cam: OK internet, you've got this one.
{BROWSING ON IPHONE} Aaand kitten picture... kitten picture... kitten picture... pornography... dead guy... pornography... kitten picture... dead guy pornography-
Graham: You know in some cities they have those fancy high-tech public toilets that are sort of like a stall that you go into and are all self-cleaning and fancy? Yeah. There's one in Vancouver and a guy got stuck in it for 45 minutes.
Cam: Did he emerge all nicely polished and tied in sanitary paper?
Kathleen: I bet he came out like most public bathrooms: used and, faintly smelling of poop.
Cam: Looking harrowed and covered in graffiti.
Graham: He ended up being trapped because the lever to open the door didn't work, and the backup lever didn't work, and the fail-safe didn't work. The fail-safe is it automatically opens after twelve minutes, just in case.
Cam: Just in case what?! Like, you're... you're taking too long? Has it been arbitrated that no poops can last longer than twelve minutes?
Kathleen: {TALKING ON TELEPHONE} Hello, city of Vancouver? I'd like to make a complaint. Your public bathroom ejected me after a mere twelve minutes! {PAUSE} Look, I eat a lot of fibre! Are you discriminating against my raw vegan lifestyle?
{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN, CAM IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT AND A FALSE MOUSTACHE}
Kathleen: Uh... can I use the bathroom?
Cam: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND FALSE MOUSTACHE} OK, but I'm timing you.
Graham: When a Finnish family bought nine chickens and a rooster for their farm, they also got, as a free gift, a bunny who thinks he's a chicken. Complete with roosting and scratching around the, the area, and sitting on eggs, and hatching eggs? and, uh... yeah. Not producing any of his own, obviously, but. He's trying.
Cam: You know, I'm really proud of the Scandinavians for encouraging this rabbit not only to challenge species rules, but gender rules too. I mean, who says male bunnies can't raise young?
Kathleen: We can't discourage this bunny! That's how creme eggs are made!!! If I had a bunny that actually laid creme eggs, I would have that thing in a cage by my desk and on those hormones that you give to women who are trying to donate eggs so they super ovulate.
{MIMING HOLDING AND SHAKING A RABBIT OVER HER FACE} Holding that thing's butt over my face. Give me your delicious eggs! ...is that weird? Might be weird. Little weird.
Cam: Is it weird that I'm imagining that bunny's bitch tit shaking as you jiggle it?
Kathleen: {MIMING HOLDING AND SHAKING A RABBIT OVER HER FACE} GIVE ME EGGS!!!
Graham: Moving on...
A pair of giant pandas on loan for ten years from China to Scotland arrived in Edinburgh last week with British officials saying the loan of the bears would strengthen ties between the two countries.
Cam: Which anniversary are bears? Is that like, thirty-eight? Or... thirty-nine? Which one is windmills?
Kathleen: I've never felt particularly more inclined to be friends with somebody if they lent me bears.
{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN; KATHLEEN IS WEARING THE BEAR HAT AND LOOKING KIND OF NONPLUSSED}
Cam: Oh. Great, uh... bears. And, uh... these are mine now. For uh... for... for ten years! Well. Do they, um... do they eat something expensive?
Kathleen: {WEARING BEAR HAT} {SCRATCHES EAR} {MIMES RAWR PAWS} {NODS HEAD, POINTS TO MOUTH}
Cam: Oh, fabulous. Do we know what that is?
Kathleen: {WEARING BEAR HAT} {SHRUGS}
Cam: No? OK, well. I guess I'll send someone out to Lifestyles.
Kathleen: Hey Graham! Do you know what it's time for?
{TITLE: KATHLEEN'S POLITICAL FACT OF THE WEEK}
Kathleen: Did you know that since the 1950's China has been loaning and giving away pandas as an act of goodwill? It's called Panda Diplomacy!
Cam: Did you know that since the 1950's, all those pandas have been spies?
Graham: {WEARING BEAR HAT OVER BALACLAVA} {LOOKS BACK AND FORTH SUSPICIOUSLY} {PUTS PHONE UP TO EAR} This is agent Ping-Ping checking in. The Americans continue to be fat and poorly dressed, and they bang on my cage all the time!
Graham: Do you want your kids to have the thrill of meeting a mall Santa without actually waiting in line at the mall? Well, the Toronto Eaton centre you can pre-book a ten minute Skype session with their mall Santa.
Kathleen: If I was a mall Santa, I'm probably doing that. I'd get way less urine on me.
Cam: Ten minutes is an awful lot of Santa. I mean, what do you do? There's-there's a lot of blank space in that conversation after the I don't know, request for an Xbox.
Kathleen: {SKYPING ON IPHONE} {SPEAKING LIKE A CHILD} I want an Xbox, and a My Little Pony, and Rainbow Dash is the best pony.
Cam: {DRESSED AS SANTA, WEARING SANTA HAT AND BEARD} {HOLDING IPAD} Oh... ho ho ho. OK, well, I'll email that down to the elves and then we can get started on that, little girl. And... so... well, that was about forty-five seconds. Uh... how are you?
Kathleen: {SKYPING ON IPHONE} {SPEAKING LIKE A CHILD} If you're Santa, how come you're not at the north pole?!
Cam: {DRESSED AS SANTA, WEARING SANTA HAT AND BEARD} {HOLDING IPAD} Oh, well, uh... I am! I'm just in a... bunker deep beneath the North Pole! Outside a WalMart.
Graham: I wonder if Santa has a twitter account I can complain to about Coke. Hm. Well, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON WHITE COW TOQUE} this hat! Which we just got given. And were surprised to discover... {TAKES OFF HAT AND TURNS HAT INSIDE OUT} is reversible! {PUTS ON BLACK COW TOQUE} In case you feel like being nega-cow.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: So according to a German expert on the Myans, they did not predict the end of the world in 2012, and the calendar ending is essentially the same as they switched to metric.
Kathleen: Shhh! Graham, you're gonna ruin it for all the crackpots!
