Bert's Spider Shack Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Bert's Spider Shack
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Final Feed Dump Fantasy, I'm Red XIII, don't care if he's a dog cat thing, I'm Red XIII darn it! Joining me this week is Cid,
Kathleen: {WEARING GREY SLOUCHY BEANIE THROUGHOUT THIS EPISODE} My secret power is that I'm in every game!
Graham: and Setzer?
Alex: {WEARING THREE TOP HATS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER THROUGHOUT THIS EPISODE, HOLDING STACKS OF CARDS FANNED OUT} My secret power is useless!
Graham: And our favourite colour of mage is BLUES!
{TITLE: OUR FAVOURITE COLOUR OF MAGE IS BLUES/NEWS}
Graham: In possibly the first ever Feed Dump followup story, we previously reported on Tiny the cat, who has reached his weight loss goal.
Kathleen: {CHEERING} Gooooooo TINY!
Alex: What?
So he's the world's kittiest loser?
Graham: After weighing over thirty pounds when he first was admitted to SPCA, he lost thirteen pounds in a year! Which is a lot for a cat.
Kathleen: According to veterinarians, an extra pound of weight on a cat is equivalent to four extra pounds of weight on a human. That means tiny lost the equivalent of fifty-two pounds in a year, which is a lot even by human standards.
Alex: So in the same way that there's dog years, there's cat pounds?
Kathleen: Actually, dogs have a similar weight ratio, but it's not quite identical.
Alex: What else do cats and dogs have in ratios? Like, if a cat has a poop, is it actually three poops?
Kathleen: Not the way our cats shit.
Graham: A school teacher from Ohio is suing her former school district after they forced her to teach younger children, of which she has a phobia.
Kathleen: I realize perhaps one percent of us will ever work our dream jobs, but at the same time, why would you take a job that could very easily expose you to something you are deathly afraid of? You don't see me working in Bert's Spider Shack.
Alex: {TALKING ON CELL PHONE} Really?! No, no that's great, I can start Monday Bert! Thanks so much, I'm- I, I'll see you then. {FLIPS PHONE CLOSED} {WRAPS ARMS AROUND HIMSELF, STARTS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, TERRIFIED}
Graham: {WEARING PLAID TRILBY} Hi! Ron Dewings here {POINTS AT CAMERA} for Bert's Spider Shack! Our employees are terrified!
{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. ALEX WEARS THREE TOP HATS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, KATHLEEN WEARS HER GREY SLOUCHY BEANIE}
Kathleen: Come on down to Bert's Spider Shack where we have all your spider needs fulfilled!
Alex: Brown recluse!
Kathleen: Wolf spider!
Alex: Tarantula!
Kathleen: Widows! White and black!
Alex: And the ever rare ultraviolet spider, which is not visible to the human eye.
Kathleen: But it is super poisonous! Its venom eats through glass.
Alex: {LAUGHS}
{BOTH BREAK}
Graham: A professor at Memorial University is questioning the university's application process after students in her two-hundred level sociology course could not correctly identify the continents and oceans of the world.
Alex: Are we sure they're not all like, top-tier internet trolls?
Graham: Said the professor {READING FROM IPAD} "They should not be confusing Antarctica and the Arctic. They should know that they live on the Atlantic Ocean. They should be able to know where North America is.
Alex: I did not realize library paste is still that delicious.
Kathleen: Hey adults. Don't want your kids out as morons because of your awful parenting skills? Try: {PULLS GLOBE INTO SHOT} A globe! Available at thrift stores, garage sales, and even stores where things are new. {SPINS THE GLOBE} Globes are handy for teaching geography, even an old one like this that has the USSR still shows your kids that they live in FUCKING NORTH AMERICA AND WHERE THAT IS.
Alex: {LOOKING AT GLOBE} Did you know there's a country called Legend? It's totally square!
Graham: {LOOKING AT GLOBE} There's a weird archipelago right next to Hawaii called "Reader's Digest." That must be where the gyre is.
Pope Benedict's private secretary Archbishop George Ganswein has been dubbed "Gorgeous George" by the Italian media and is on this month's Vanity Fair.
Kathleen: I do not place any faith in the ability of Italian women to decide what Italian men are good looking. Silvio Berlusconi found a lot of women that wanted to have sex with him. That's weird.
Graham: That's not really fair to say, 'cause you could find plenty women who would have sex with a sack of potatoes if they were in charge of a country.
Kathleen: And they did.
Alex: TUBER BURRRRRRN!
Kathleen: In all seriousness though, George has levelled up all the way to Archbishop and he gets to be a secretary? He gets to take notes for Benedict while he's in the pooper.
Graham: More than just the pope's secretary, he is also {READING} "the prefect of the pontifical household," which basically means he gets to run the pope's life. So... pretty powerful actually.
Alex: So what you're saying is he's the pope-peteer?
Where do you grind for Archbishop levels?
Kathleen: You actually have to do your first twenty levels on the Barrens.
Kathleen: I've heard there's a glitch where if you give mass to like, a right angle, it actually scans the entire city and counts, like, each person.
Kathleen: Maybe that's he was able to get to Archbishop while he was still all young and hot. Relatively speaking, for a high member of the Catholic church who chose a life of celibacy.
Alex: SICK HAX
Kathleen: {NO LONGER WEARING HER GREY SLOUCHY BEANIE} {SIGHS} Alone again on a Friday night. Aw, fuck it, I'll follow a life of celibacy. {PUTS ON POPE HAT} {MUGS}
Graham: Aaand we're out of here. Until next time, please remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON POPE HAT} this hat! Which is far too small for me. {TAKES OFF POPE HAT} So I'm gonna put it on this way. {PUTS IT ON UPSIDE DOWN, COVERING HIS FACE} Now I am from Castle Crashers. Except my ears. {FLICKS HIS EARS WHICH ARE STICKING OUT} Which are unprotected. {DANCES AROUND}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Alex: ...boners.
