Bump in the Night Transcript

Transcript for Bump in the Night

Transcript

{Scene opens at a bedroom at night, where we see Paul fast asleep in his bed, where it stays for the whole episode. We hear a latch lifting and a window creaking slowly open.}

Burglar 1 (Morgan): {hissing} Sweet! I can't believe he was stupid enough to leave his window unlocked.

Burglar 2 (Graham): {hissing} You mean you can't believe they were stupid enough to leave their window unlocked.

B 1: I'm sorry, what?

B 2: Their window unlocked. Since we don't know the gender of the individual from whom we are about to burgle, according to APA-style dialogue, the correct pronoun is "they".

B 1: But, this individual is obviously a guy.

B 2: Based on what?

B 1: Look around. There's not one houseplant in the place, there's a 52-inch plasma TV with a TV dinner in front of it, and there's a Sports Illustrated social calender from two years ago on the wall. Everything about this room is implying a guy lives here.

B 2: I'm afraid that is once again incorrect. Leaving aside your rather very narrow-minded assumption that those items indicate a male resident, since the room is inanimate, it does not imply anything you are inferring. Now, if you would help me with the procurement of the aforementioned television, that would be most ideal.

{Sounds of attempted movement}

B 1: Where's the remote?

B 2: What? Who cares?

B 1: If we have the remote, it would greatly increase the resale value. Actually, if we could find the box...

B 2: Couldn't we just get a universal remote?

B 1: I hate those! It's so much nicer if we had the one that came with the TV. Ah, here we go, I found it. Let me just...

{TV gets switched on and we hear a very loud announcement that rouses Paul from his sleep.}

B 2: AH! Turn it off, turn it off!

B 1: I'm trying, there isn't an off button on the remote!

B 2: Push the power button again!

B 1: No, wait!

{TV is switched off as Paul switches on the bedside light}

B 1: Do you think he woke up? Maybe he's a heavy sleeper.

B 2: Why the hell did you do that?

B 1: We needed to make sure it worked. I didn't know it would make all that noise.

B 2: What did you expect to happen? TVs make noise. Apart from the moving pictures, making noise is their main purpose.

{During the conversation, Paul grabs his phone and tries to call the police, only to find that the phone is dead.}

B 1: Well, now we know that it works, let's start taking it outside.

B 2: Okay, fine. Ready? One, two, three...

{Sounds of lifting}

B 2: Remember, from the knees with ease-

B 1: Yes I know, from the back is whack. Why couldn't he have one of those ultra-thin plasma screens? My brother stole one of those last month and he said it was as light as a feather.

Duck (Jer): {quacks}

B 1: Wait, wait, stop!

B 2: What? What is it?

B 1: Don't move a muscle, I think I just heard a duck.

B 2: So?

B 1: If we stay perfectly still, it won't be able to see us. Ducks hunt by movement.

B 2: ...Ducks don't hunt at all, they're ducks. Besides, why would there be a duck here? Do you know how far from-

Duck: {quacks loudly and flaps into the house}

B 2: Holy crap!

{Loud crashing noises}

B 1: AH! You dropped it right on my foot!

B 2: Sorry, the duck startled me! How did it get in here anyway? You were supposed to close the window.

B 1: Why was it my job? You were the last one in!

B 2: Do I have to do everything? Just ignore the duck and come back here and grab the other end of the TV.

B 1: Fine, but don't blame me for-

Duck: {quacks and flaps again}

B 1: Ah! Oh, snap!

B 2: What is it?

B 1: The duck bit me! It's guarding the TV.

B 2: Don't be an idiot. Ducks don't guard things.

B 1: If you're so sure of that, why don't you see how you fair against the duck?

{We then hear loud police sirens then someone knocks on the door, much to Paul's relief.}

Police officer (James): Hello? Is anybody there? I was on my rounds and heard some suspicious noises.

Duck: {starts quacking loudly}

B 2: Shut the duck up!

B 1: Now I know we're under some stress here, but there's no need for language like that.

B 2: No, the duck! Shut it up!

B 1: You shut it up, I'm not gonna get bitten again!

Off.: I can hear somebody in there, open this door right now!

{Door opens.}

B 1: [coughs} Uh, what seems to be the problem, officer?

Off.: Uh, just what the heck is going on in there?

Duck: {quacks}

Off.: Is that a duck? Sir, you are aware that keeping animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area is prohibited under local bylaw No. 2813.

B 1: Uh yeah, well, obviously, officer. It's just that-

Duck: {quacks irritably}

B 2: Watch out, that duck doesn't look happy! But uh, don't worry. If-if we stay perfectly still, we should be safe.

Off.: Don't be ridiculous! What's a duck gonna- AHHH!

{We hear everyone screaming in agony overlapped by the duck's angered quacks.}

B 1: OH MY GOD! {screams in pain}

{As Paul listens in horror, the screams fade away until we just hear the duck. Then we hear flapping wings and the TV gets switched on.}

TV announcer: Tonight on Last Comic Standing: What's a duck's favorite food? Quackers!

Duck: {quacks in laughter}

{Paul pulls the covers over his head, not looking forward to a good night's sleep.}