Butt Stuff Surprise Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Butt Stuff Surprise
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we've been created with a combination of yeast, hops and barley. I'm Labatt Blue because anything can happen, on Feed Dump. Joining me this week is Old Milwaukee,
Ash: It tastes as good as its name.
James: {OFFSCREEN} Your name is Ash.
Ash: {STICKS OUT TONGUE} Urgh.
Graham: and Dos Equis.
James: I don't normally do Feed Dump, but when I do, it rates in like the top 25%.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Well, top 50.
James: That's fair.
Graham: And the three of us have realized that we can't remember the slogans for any actual good beers.
{TITLE: DOES BEER NEED A SLOGAN? NO GRAHAM, IT DOES NOT. (SUBTITLE: WELL, ASASHI PROBABLY HAS A SLOGAN BUT IT'S THE EXCEPTION)}
Graham: Hallmark has said that they may have gone a little too far when they decided to- uh.
Gone a little too far with being sensitive when on their new- on one of their- bleh.
When on one of their new Christmas- when? Mmmmmph! {FACE-PALMS}
Hallmark has said that they may have gone a little too far with their sensitivity when on one of their new Christmas ornaments, they decided to change the lyrics to "Deck the- from- fuck! Piss! {SIGHS}
{OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER}
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} {LAUGHING} Really? That's awful
James: {OFFSCREEN} That's- that's pretty offensive.
Graham: {LAUGHING} Yeah, right?
{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD; JAZZ MUSIC}
Graham: Hallmark has apologized for the words on one of their new Christmas ornaments, specifically the line from Deck the Halls' "don we now our gay apparel", apologized because they changed it from gay to "don we now our FUN apparel" so they wouldn't offend anybody.
Ash: {SUBTITLE: Meanwhile, at Hallmark HQ} Yes, we don't want to offend the homosexuals, so let's just ignore them and every word associated with them then no one can be offended.
Graham: The leader of one gay rights organization said it was quote "silly to have made the change" because no one was offended by the song?
Ash: {SUBTITLE: Still back, at Hallmark HQ} Wait, do you think that we're gonna offend anyone by using the word "fun"?
Graham: {WEARING BROWN FAILSWORTH CAP} {IN EASTERN EUROPEAN (?) ACCENT} As resident of new republic of Eastern Funistan, I take great offence to their use of the word "fun".
My father was a Fun, my mother was a Fun, this shall not stand!
{SHOT OF JAMES AND ASH ON THE SOFA}
Ash: Wait, we haven't actually seen this. What does it look like?
{PICTURE OF THE CARD'S IMAGE; A RED SWEATER WITH BELLS, PATTERNED WITH DECORATIONS AND THE WORDS 'DON WE NOW OUR FUN APPAREL', THE WORD FUN ON A BLUE BAUBLE}
James: That just looks like a giant sticker!
Ash: It's- it's literally a Christmas ornament censor sticker, like someone saw the word "gay" {THE BLUE BAUBLE WITH 'FUN' IS REPLACED BY THE WORD GAY} and was like "Gay? Unacceptable! {THE BLUE BAUBLE RETURNS WITH THE SUBTITLE: FIXED} Slap a sticker on it!"
{SHOT OF JAMES AND ASH ON THE SOFA}
James: It's also ugly as hell!
Ash: {NODS IN AGREEMENT}
Graham: A man in New Mexico has filed a lawsuit against police after being subjected to... eight searches of his butt following a routine traffic stop.
James: I understand the first six, but really, is the extra two necessary?
Ash: Wait, eight consecutive searches or just one that lasted eight times as long?
Graham: I'm glad you asked! In fact, the final tally is {READING} "eight consecutive searches, three enemas, two X-rays and a colonoscopy."
James: I know what time it is!
{SHOT OF JAMES, WITH THE CAMERA SLIGHTLY UPWARDS}
All three: {SINGING} James and Ash have to figure out what's in this American's butt.
James: Butt stuff?
Ash: Define butt stuff! {LAUGHS}
{PANS TO JAMES}
James: I don't know, like, poop and... toilet paper bits and...
{PAN BACK TO ASH}
Ash: Why would you spelunk for that?!
Some irreplaceable heirloom... that belonged to the arresting officer.
Graham: How is anything belonging to the arresting officer gonna get in this guy's butt BEFORE they search it?
Ash: If it belonged to the arresting officer- see, this is how it's playing out in my head, he knows the guy and he's got some sort of feud, like long-standing feud going on with him. So they do like the first search and are like "sorry, Frank, we didn't find your ring" and he's just like, "No, no! Bill has it, I know he took it! Do it again!" {BEAT} Eight times.
James: Some kind of reptile. It's always a safe bet on Feed Dump.
Graham: As for what was in his butt, well, nothing. Nothing except... butt stuff, I guess.
James: {THROWS HANDS IN THE AIR} WOOHOO!
Graham: But what they thought was in his butt was drugs, based on the way he was standing.
Ash: Please tell me we can find a description on how this guy was standing so that I can never stand that way!
{WIDE SHOT OF JAMES STANDING UP, HOLDING THE MIKE}
James: Now pay attention, children. I'm gonna properly teach how to stand if you don't want police officers thinking there's drugs in your butt. {STANDS STILL FOR A FEW SECONDS} You see what I did there? I stood like a normal human being. Do not stand like this. {LEANS A BIT TO HIS RIGHT, GRIMACING IN PAIN, GRABS HIS BUTT} {PAINED VOICE} Oh, god! There's drugs coming out of my butt!
Graham: The really savvy officers can tell the difference between {SITS BACK IN CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, AS NORMAL} marijuana, {SITS MORE UPRIGHT} {IN SLIGHTLY PAINED VOICE} crack {SITS BACK MORE, CRINGING IN PAIN} {IN MORE AGONIZED VOICE} and meth! Mmmm, sharp! I mean, what? Nothing!
A family from Surprise, Arizona were certainly in for a hometown when they got home and discovered their house burning to the ground because the fire department was unable to battle back the flames, and then received a bill from the fire department for twenty thousand dollars.
James: I have never, ever heard of somebody being billed by the fire department, not even in America, and you guys are crazy!
Ash: If it's actually possible to be in a job like firefighting and still get paid an exorbitant amount of money for not doing your job... I'm gonna be a firefighter!
Graham: Well, the bill came from the generically name Rural Metro Fire Department, which is a private fire department in an unincorporated area that has no real fire coverage. This is apparently a thing.
Ash: So what exactly is gonna happen if they refuse to pay the bill? Are they gonna like, seize their assets or something? Oh wait!
Graham: What makes this even more ludicrous is that the area they're in may not technically have fire coverage, but actual firefighters from Surprise, Arizona got there and were fighting the blaze as well. In fact, they got there first BEFORE the private company, and they're still being charged!
James: Okay, so let me get this straight. They show up late, they don't do their job, and then they still charge these people twenty thousand dollars?!
Ash: I'm DEFINITELY gonna be a firefighter now!
Graham: Residents of this particular unincorporated area have three options: One, they can pay a five hundred dollar yearly subscription to Rural Metro Fire whatever and that will cover them. Or, they can hedge their bets and pay a bill if that happens. Or, they can form their own fire district.
James: Well dang! {HOLDS UP RED BUCKET} I got this bucket, {HOLDS UP GARDEN HOSE} and a hose. Let's do this!
Graham: Sounds good, James! I'll help you out, {PUTS ON METAL FIREFIGHTER'S HELMET} with this hat, which other sources of news might be better than us but don't have. {BEAT} I don't think that works.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: {LAUGHING} As if that all wasn't bad enough, the medical center that performed all this butt investigation... billed him for it!
James: Thanks, Obama!
