Carcinogen Cola Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump: Carcinogen Cola
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're starting a street gang. I'm The Brains, joining me this week is The Muscle
Kathleen: {FLEXING ONE ARM} Grrr!
Graham: And The Looks.
Kate: {DOES A FLOURISH WITH HER HANDS AROUND HER FACE}
Graham: Though really all three of us have all three qualities. Except for me and muscle. But the point is, our gang is an alpine gang, and we ride skidoos!
{OUR ALPINE GANG RIDES SKIDOOS/NEWS}
Kate: Fact.
Graham: Are you as mad as heck and feel like venting? Well, head to North Dallas, where the Anger Room will give you a closed room, a baseball bat, and whatever you feel like smackin' around. Like a TV or a computer monitor, or a mannequin, for the weird ones.
Kate: Is this one of those weird sex things I keep hearing about?
Kathleen: What if I asked them for, like, sausages filled with uncongealed blood? Or the carcass of a pig? Or thirty-eight red balloons filled with helium and sand so they kind of bobbed halfway up and down, like I was smashing the heads of tiny children.
Kate: Terrific.
Kathleen: I'm just saying I want to know what the options are before I pay them my money! It's probably not cheap.
Kate: Hey Kathleen, just... as a friend, gotta tell yah: that's creepy as fuck.
Kathleen: I have a stressful job... and children are like, perfect smackin' height.
Kate: Hm! Um hm. Um hm.
Graham: Coke and Pepsi are changing the way they do caramel colouring for their soft drinks, because they way they do it now under new California guidelines, they would need to label their cans as carcinogenis. Carcinogens.
{ENUNCIATING} Carcinogenic.
Carson...
Carson... O... Genic. He's a friend of Ron Dewing.
{WEARING PLAID TRILBY} {SUBTITLE: RON DEWINGS} {POINTS AT CAMERA} Ron Dewings here for my good friend Carson O. Genic.
{WEARING GREEN DICTATOR HAT} {IN MODEST SOUTHERN ACCENT} Hi y'all. {SUBTITLE: CARSON O. GENIC} Carson O. Genic here. I'm in soft drinks! How's it goin'?
{WITHOUT HAT} Sorry, you all understood where I was going there, right? It's whatever they have in the caramel colour now could be considered a carcinogen. And but they're changing it, and apparently it won't taste any different.
Kathleen: Obviously, everything is sort of mildly carcinogenic. But like, how carcinogenic was it? Is it like, "drink two or three cans a day, you're fine," or drink more than ten cans a month and it's like, "hmm... might want to look at your liver there.
Graham: The FDA said that it would take a thousand cans of soda a day to reach the levels of the carinogen that have shown links to cancer in laboratory rodents. So... you're probably fine.
Kate: Fact.
Graham: It seems like for as long as we've been doing shows like these there have been stories about people trying to smuggle reptiles in suitcases. {OFFSCREEN SNICKERING}
The twist today is that it's on a bus, not an airplane! And it's a bus headed to Bulgaria.
{READING FROM IPAD} Forty-nine turtles, fifteen chameleons, six komodo dragons, four caiman crocodiles, and other animals, including pythons, and poisonous tree frogs.
Kate: That's one fucking huge suitcase.
Kathleen: Maybe the animals were all packed inside one another, like there's, like a komodo dragon in a crocodile, the kimono dragon was filled with turtles.
Kate: Well I guess it was like a set of matched luggage maybe, so you had your carry-on with your turtles, and then your wheelie one for your komodo dragons, and then the big one that you check for your alligators?
Graham: Two Slovakian children, aged 11 and 12 burned down a Gothic Castle when their experiment with smoking went wrong.
Kathleen: They always show you the worst case scenario, and you're like "har har, educational video, pthbt! I'm not going to burn down a priceless Gothic castle!"
Graham: {WEARING TOP HAT} {IN OLD TIMEY ACCENT} Studies have shown that underage smoking leads to accidental arson. Don't let this happen {POINTS AT CAMERA} to you!... Slovakia.
Kate: I really wasn't paying attention. I was on twitter. So... {SHRUGS} next one.
Graham: {WEARING TOP HAT} {IN OLD TIMEY ACCENT} Too much tweeting leads to vehicular manslaughter! Don't let this happen {POINTS AT CAMERA} to you! ...Kate.
Kate: I don't even have a valid driver's licence.
Graham: {WEARING TOP HAT} {IN OLD TIMEY ACCENT} Not having a valid driver's licence leads to inadvertent ethnic cleansing! Don't let this happen {POINTS AT CAMERA} to you!... small island nations.
{WITHOUT HAT} A new program at the South by Southwest festival has set up homeless people as wireless 4G hotspots, so passers by can access the internet. For a donation.
Kathleen: Hey homeless people! Are you sick of being marginalized by yuppies with iPhones? Well turn yourself into a living appliance! That'll help!
Kate: Next time a homeless person asks me for change, the first thing I'm going to say is "what's your wifi password?"
Graham: Homeless hotspots might not have been the best marketing campaign, but it certainly wasn't the worst. Here again is Kate and Kathleen to give horrible advice.
{SHE'S KATE! SHE'S KATHLEEN! SHE GIVES BAD ADVICE! SHE'S NOT MUCH BETTER! IT'S KATE & KATHLEEN GIVE HORRIBLE ADVICE}
{SHOT OF KATE AND KATHLEEN ON SOFA, BOTH ARE WEARING TOP HATS}
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} First of all, top hats?
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} So in!
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} SOOOoooo in!
OK, so like, sponsored abortions, so you get the abortion for free, but you have to wear a t-shirt that says "I had my abortion sponsored by Burger King! Have it your wa-" {STARTS LAUGHING} {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER FROM KATE}
{CAMERA PANS OVER TO KATE WHO IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY}
Kathleen: {OFFCAMERA} {LAUGHING} Which... is... {IS LAUGHING TOO HARD TO FINISH}
{PAN BACK TO KATHLEEN WHO IS ALSO LAUGHING}
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} That's so terrible!
{PAN BACK TO KATE, WHO IS LAUGHING REALLY HARD AND STANDS UP}
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} You want me to do my abortion thing again? 'Cause I cracked-
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} No, I want you to just, I want you to add "home of the wopper." {KATHLEEN CRACKS UP AGAIN}
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} You could have a hobby farm sponsored by Outback Steakhouse, because the best way to get close to an animal is to raise it from a baby, and then, and then you put it inside you. By eating it. {SHRUGS} Delicious.
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} OK, uh, it's a reality TV show sponsored by Pfizer, who makes all those AIDS drugs, and so, like, the thing is, but to get on the reality TV show you have to get AIDS, so it's really good because one it promotes how good the drugs are, 'cause these people won't look like, they- they're dying of AIDS on the show, also it will get the kind of people who wanna be on reality TV shows out of our gene pool!
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} I think they already have that. I think it's called Jersey Shore.
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} See? We just can't make up horrible enough advice for the real world.
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} Actually The Real World is a different show with different diseases. It's the herps.
It's what kids are calling it these days.
Graham: When you preface it with horrible advice, all the filters just go right out the window, don't they?
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} Fuh. That's my abrev for fact.
Graham: So... until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they do not have {PUTS ON RED AND GREEN JESTER HAT} this hat. Which brings me {SOLEMNLY} no joy. {STARES AT CAMERA} {PASSES HAND IN FRONT OF FACE, WHICH CHANGES INTO A CRAZY FACE} {PASSES HAND BACK DOWN, WHICH CHANGES IT INTO A SOLEMN FACE}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF KATE AND KATHELEN, BOTH WEARING TOP HATS}
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} So in.
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} Sooooo in.
Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} Ssss- {STARTS LAUGHING, WHICH CAUSES KATHLEEN TO START LAUGHING}
{BOTH LAUGH}
{KATHLEEN LIFTS TOP HAT OFF, PUTS IT BACK ON HER HEAD}
