Comfortably Uncomfortable Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Comfortably Uncomfortable
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we've reached an in-pants. I'm a pair of pantaloons, joining me this week is some jodhpurs,
Kathleen: I don't like horses, but if I did, I'd be ready for them.
Graham: and a skort.
Ashton: I'm comfortably uncomfortable.
Graham: And we'd like to wish a happy Hanukkah... to the Jews. {THROWS HIS HANDS UP, EXCITED} We found a way to use that word!
Ashton: Now I'm just uncomfortable.
{WEIRD TITLE: WE ALL NEEDS SOME FOODS/NEWS, SUBTITLE: (THE NORMAL TITLES FAILED SOMEHOW EDITION)}
Graham: A group of university students in Newcastle, England are trying to force the next planking. It's called milking, can you guess what it is?
Aston: Still just uncomfortable.
Kathleen: {MAKING MILKING MOTION WITH HAND} Is it a suggestive dance you do with a shakeweight? {MUGS, MIMES SHAKEWEIGHT}
Ashton: {DISGUSTED} Gaahk.
Kathleen: Is it just drinking a glass of milk at a ridiculous location?
Ashton: Is this some kind of weird boil-lancing ritual?
Kathleen: Is it the kind of thing people in rural parts of England would get up to because they're bored and there's a lot of cows around? I mean aside from the OTHER thing people get up to in rural parts of England 'cause they're bored and LONELY and there's a lot of cows around? {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER} {KATHLEEN BREAKS, STARTS LAUGHING}
{PAN TO ASHTON}
Ashton: Haaaaawt!
Ashton: Maybe it's just... actually milking cows.
Graham: According to the original video, and it's several copycats, milking is buying a jug of milk, going out in public, and pouring it over your head.
Ashton: Aah, so it is a sex thing!
Kathleen: This is like a perfect storm of idiocy. It's wasteful, stupid, AND smelly.
Graham: Maybe this is like that fake Jenkin thing that like, the guys who did this are trying to make it a thing to force other people to do it 'cause wouldn't that be funny? But when it comes right down to it, is it worth making other people pour milk over their selves, if you have to dump milk over yourself?
{SHOT OF ASHTON AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}
Ashton: Hey! Film this! I'm gonna dump this on my head and make other people do it, and they're gonna look sooo dumb!
Graham: A man in Ontario at the Santa Claus parade was arrest after he went around to various children and told them Santa Claus wasn't real.
Ashton: Doesn't really seem very effective, it's like, "hey kids! You see that guy right there? He doesn't exist!"
Kathleen: While some children may have discovered Santa Claus wasn't real, I hope he discovered that police brutality was.
Graham: The man, whose hair was formed into horns, was not arrested for telling kids that Santa Claus doesn't exist, because... that's not illegal, just a dick move. He was arrested for public intoxication and breaking parole.
Kathleen: Oh my goodness Graham! Are you telling me the kind of person who would shatter a child's dreams for laughs would also be the kind of person who would drink in public, and would get arrested for something else?
Ashton: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT, FANNING HIMSELF} Oh my! Say it ain't so!
Graham: China's new it fashion model is making a sweep of all the teen fashion mags showing off the finest new girls' designs and... good for him, 'cause he's 72.
Kathleen: I read about this guy! He's the incredibly supportive and patient grandfather of a fashion designer!
{SHOT OF ASHTON AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE LOOKING AT THE IPAD, WHICH ASHTON IS HOLDING}
Ashton: I'd hit that.
Kathleen: {MOUTH AGAPE} {SHAKES HEAD} Sure.
Kathleen: I like how the more you learn about this situation, the weirder it gets. First, you're like, "oh! He's wearing a coat! OK, that's nice. Oh, sweater, OK fine. Holding a handbag... eeeh OK I wouldn't get my grandfather to hold a handbag, but you know he's helping out and- then he's in a choker, and thigh-high stockings, and pink skirt, and then I don't wanna look at the page anymore."
{SHOT OF ASHTON AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}
Kathleen: What would it take to get you into a pair of thigh-high stockings?
Ashton: Very little.
Graham: The trick is getting him OUT of them!
Two news anchors on a main ABC-affiliate surprised their viewers by resigning at the end of the broadcast.
{SHOT OF ASHTON AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}
Kathleen: {IN MIDWESTERN ANNOUNCER WOMAN ACCENT} And that concludes the local news. In other news, {LIFTS COLLAR} peace out bitches!
Ashton: WE DONE! {GETS UP}
Kathleen: {MUGS, FLIPS THE DOUBLE DEUCE}
Graham: I- wh- I-I thought we were gonna... do a thing. Alright, well, until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLUE SANTA HAT} this hat! You know, for Hanukkah, right? 'Cause the... the blue Santa is a... is a Hanukkah thing, right? {TO OFF CAMERA} That's a thing. They told me that was a thing. The blue i- it's not a?... {SIGHS} I'm sorry.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF THE SOFA, KATHLEEN TO THE RIGHT. ASHTON COMES INTO SHOT, STARTS GIVING THE DOUBLE DEUCE WHILE MUGGING. KATHLEEN LAUGHS.}
