Commentary All Stars Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Commentary All Stars
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, or as I'm calling it this week, Revenge of the LoadingReadyRun news commentary All-Stars. Joining me this week is someone you haven't seen since last week,
Kathleen: Unlike my compatriots, I have not been aged in fine oak barrels.
Graham: Someone you haven't seen since Phailhaus episode 11,
Brad: Graham! It's about your kids! I've come from your future! Eight hours in your future.
Graham: And someone you haven't seen since 2007.
Morgan: Aaaaagh! {LOOKS AROUND} AAAAAUGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGH!... {SHRUGS} 'Sup.
Graham: {SIGHS} Whatever. And we're here to amuse!
{TITLE: WE ARE HERE TO AMUSE/NEWS}
Graham: At a real, actual medal ceremony, of a real actual sporting event in Kuwait, the realactual gold medallist, from Kazakhstan was treated to the national anthem from the movie Borat.
Morgan: Kazakhstan! Has best potassium {STARTS LAUGHING}
Kathleen: I find it hard to make fun of this, because if Kuwait and Kazakhstan were like, bigger, uh, this would probably be a full-scale nuclear war, it's that insulting.
Brad: We don't have nukes. Which is nice, because... few years ago someone sang "O Canada!" to the tune of "O Christmas Tree."
Graham: I would like to hear that.
{SHOT OF MORGAN, BRAD, AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. THEY ARE ALL WEARING SANTA HATS}
All: {WEARING SANTA HATS} {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF O CHRISTMAS TREE} O Canada! O Canada! Our home and native la-and.
Graham: Now I would like to hear the reverse of that!
{SHOT OF MORGAN, BRAD, AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. THEY ARE ALL WEARING SANTA HATS}
Brad and Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HATS} {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF O CANADA} O Christmas Tree!
Morgan: {WEARING SANTA HAT} You guys were quick on this.
Brad: {WEARING SANTA HAT} Our home and na-
Graham: Niche dating site FarmersOnly.com has just surpassed two hundred thousand registered users, with their tag line, "City Folks just don't get it."
Kathleen: What city folks just don't get is probably fucking cows.
Morgan: Their numbers are gonna dwindle quite significantly when they disallow animals smaller than sheep.
Brad: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} Aww...
Kathleen: But seriously why do we need a dating service that filters based on profession? That's like having a dating service that's only for Production Assistants or... bicycle couriers or... ice cream truck drivers.
Brad: That last one wouldn't work, it's all men in their 40's with criminal records.
Kathleen: {WEARING PAPER FOOD BOY CAP} {IN A CREEPY VOICE} I've got a cool treat for you after this hot one. {STICKS TONGUE OUT, LICKS LIPS}
Graham: Instead of asking what your astrological sign is, {READING FROM IPAD} at FarmersOnly.com, we ask you if you "Raise or breed alpacas, horses, cattle, chickens, dogs, goats, rabbits, sheep, if you grow crops, or if you're an organic farmer, a student farmer, a cowboy, a cowgirl, or just a farmer wannabe."
Kathleen: Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait. They can't have farmer wannabees in there, it's polluting their socio-economic pool!
Morgan: What is a farmer wannabe? Who's sitting at their job and thinks, "man! I hate this! You know what I'm gonna do? Muck out a barn!"
Brad: "Man I hate these TPS reports! You know what I really wanna do? Reinsert a horses' distended colon."
Kathleen: {OFFCAMERA} WHAT?!?
Brad: Just... just get up in there.
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: How often does that happen?!
{PAN TO BRAD}
Brad: It's like a prize. Any day. Just... wake up and...
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: A horse is shat out its own colon, boy, get to it!
{BOTH LAUGH}
Morgan: Ah, she's got a twitter profile. @HolstienHoney. {MIMES CLICKING, READING} "My horse shit its ass this morning. FML." Messaging her!
Graham: I feel a little bad making fun of lonely farmers, but according to this article, most of them still have phone modems, so they probably aren't watching.
Kathleen: Oh! Technology burn!
Graham: Former head of the international monetary fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was charged with sexual assault, but had those charges dropped, has now been charged with {READING FROM IPAD} aggravated pimping!
Morgan: {WEARING GREEN FUZZY PIMP HAT} {ANGRILY} Aaaugh! Is Dominique Strauss-Khan gonna have to choke a bitch?!
Kathleen: I'm afraid to ask, but what exactly constitutes aggravated pimpin'?
Brad: It's on the scale, you got, you know, low-range pimpin', big pimpin', and aggravated pimpin'.
Graham: So as the bard has it, it's "big pimpin', spendin' Gs," whereas this would be "aggravated pimpin', collecting all the gs into a pile and lighting them on fire."
Brad: But soft! What hos through yon window break!
Graham: Every part of this is pure gold. His lawyer had acknowledged that he had previously participated in sex parties, but that his client could not have known that the women were prostitutes, quote: {READING} "I defy you to tell the difference between a nude prostitute and a nude classy woman. Because as you can imagine, at these kind of parties, you're not always dressed."
Brad: I'm not always dressed at parties either, but I'm usually kicked out.
Kathleen: I, speaking on behalf of the prosecution even though they didn't ask me to, contend that it's very easy to tell a "naked classy lady" from a naked prostitute, as only one of them is gonna sleep with a naked man that looks like this. {POINTS TO UPPER RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THE SCREEN}
Morgan: The internationally recognized way of determining whore or housewife is to ask "have you slept with Dominique Strauss-Khan."
Graham: The guessing game has become somewhat of a fixture on Feed Dump because I personally enjoy it. So! Four people were arrested in New Zealand for operating a vending machine that dispensed what?
Brad: New Zealand... hook worms!
Kathleen: Sheep!
Morgan: Maple syrup? Illegally imported maple syrup?
Brad: Hobbits!
Kathleen: Beer!
Morgan: Mordor?
Kathleen: Are you even trying to play this game properly? One does not simply vend into Mordor! Kebabs?
Brad: Hobbit... panties!
Kathleen: Lord of the Rings slash-fic.
Morgan: Dominique Strauss-Khan's cast offs?
Graham: No... no... no, and especially also no. Police seized twenty-two thousand New Zealand dollars collected by selling marijuana from a vending machine.
Brad: I believe it's called "pipe weed" in New Zealand.
Kathleen: We're just gonna spend the rest of this episode making fun of the place of my birth.
Morgan: Yeah, that's pretty much how this is happening.
Kathleen: New Zealand is not the shire! It's just very picturesque! Whenever we talk about New Zealand, it's always "hobbits this! Mordor that! One does not simply blah blah blah into blah blah blah!" COME ON, guys! Can't we talk about good New Zealand stuff! Like... the fact that, like, the food's really good there, or that Bret McKenzie won an Oscar! Come on! There's more New Zealand stuff than... giant ferns and kiwis and... oh god, it's true.
Graham: One last bit of information on the CBC.ca poll, "would you buy marijuana from a vending machine?" Seventy percent: yes.
Kathleen: The other thirty percent answered fuck yes.
Graham: But it's a vending machine! They have problems! What if... one of the bags gets stuck? Are you gonna be able to bring yourself to do anything about it? Just like, {IN STONED VOICE} "awww, man! Awwwwwww! {MIMES SHAKING MACHINE} Eeeeuggggh! Dave!... Daaaaaave!... Daa-
Brad: {OFFSCREEN} Dave's not here man!
Graham: Well it's been a lot of fun, we should have you guys back some time.
Brad: Yeah, I think I'll be back in the country in like... eight months?
Graham: I'm... gonna be busy that day.
Morgan: Well, uh, what days aren't you busy?
Graham: Yeah, I'm busy those days too. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RIDICULOUS MULTICOLORED TASSEL EARFLAP HAT} this hat. {ADJUSTS HAT} Which just makes me feel fabulous. {FLIPS TOP TASSEL BACK}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF MORGAN, BRAD, AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. THEY ARE ALL WEARING SANTA HATS}
All: {WEARING SANTA HATS} {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF O CANADA} O Christmas tree! How lovely are your branches!
{SHOT OF BRAD}
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} You didn't know that word?
Brad: I didn't know that word!
Morgan: {OFFSCREEN} My god.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} It's like my favourite... aaugh!
Brad: I'm like a forensic etymologist. Or entomologist?
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} No.
Brad: One of- which is words? {MORGAN LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Words is etymology.
Brad: Good! That's the one I like. I don't like bugs.
{PAN TO MORGAN}
Morgan: Enti- yeah, entomology is bugs.
