CommodoreHUSTLE 004 - Fixer Transcript

Transcript for commodoreHUSTLE 004 - Fixer

Transcript

{Shot of a Rock Band guitar on a stand, with overlay "Episode Four: FIXER". Graham reaches in and picks up the controller. Cut to a panning shot of the room – it is Graham and Matt's apartment. Jer, James and Paul are sitting around, as is Morgan, who is playing with one of Matt's Optimus Prime figurines. Matt and Graham are standing in the centre getting ready to play a game. Matt is wearing a Guitar Hero guitar, Graham a Rock Band one.}

GRAHAM: Alright. You win, you get to keep using my 360 out here. I win, you're on your own, and I get to kick you in the balls. Once, no warning, no repercussions.

MATT: You're on. Let's do this.

{Roll the commodoreHUSTLE titles. All the characters are shown via Rock Band avatars of the character. Cut back to the same scene as before.}

MATT: You son of a bitch.

GRAHAM: {singing, badly, to the tune of Run To The Hills} Run for the hills...

{Morgan is still playing with the Optimus Prime, Matt grabs it out of his hands.}

MATT: Goddamn it, Morgan.

MORGAN: Hey...

MATT: This is not a toy, it's a collector's item. You've gotta be more careful with it.

{Matt places the Prime on a shelf with many others, and adjusts it carefully so that it lines up perfectly.}

MORGAN: {to Graham} Can I pinch-hit that ball-kick for you?

JAMES: If not him, then me?

GRAHAM: No can do, good buddies. I don't make the rules.

MATT: Hey James, guess what's cooler than SimCity? SimCity on a working iPhone.

{Matt holds up his iPhone, running said game, and waves it at James. Kathleen walks in carrying four cups of coffee and a newspaper.}

KATHLEEN: Coffee's here. OK, I have an eggnog latte, no whip, {getting slightly disturbed} ... extra eggnog?

MATT: {taking the cup} Thank you.

MORGAN: {taking the cup out of Matt's hands} And thank you.

MATT: Hey!

{Both of them run out of the room.}

JAMES: Hey, guys, wait up. {runs out after them}

KATHLEEN: I have a green tea with milk, you weirdo.

JER: {taking the cup} Merci. {leaves}

KATHLEEN: I have a London fog.

GRAHAM: {taking the cup} Ah, London fog. {starts drinking}

KATHLEEN: And a Dublin fog.

PAUL: {taking the cup} Ah, excellent.

GRAHAM: What's a Dublin fog?

PAUL: Well, you've got Earl Gray, I've got Irish Breakfast. Also, my drink harbours a great resentment towards yours.

GRAHAM: What's my drink ev— Ooh, hey, you have a newspaper! Awesome! Yes. {takes the paper off Kathleen} We can use this to look for space for LoadingReadyRun office. LRRfice?

PAUL: No.

KATHLEEN: No we can't, this is mine. {takes the paper back}

PAUL: Well, why'd you buy it, then?

KATHLEEN: For reading. Think of it as a really in-depth current affairs blog but with editorial standards and spellcheck.

GRAHAM: Huh. Have to check that out sometime.

KATHLEEN: Anyhow, if we're really serious about getting an office space, we should probably look on Craigslist. I mean, we have a tight budget, and we need a lot of room. How many options are there gonna be under $400?

{Cut to Paul, Graham and Kathleen clustered around a computer screen.}

GRAHAM: 489 results.

KATHLEEN: ... How?

PAUL: Well, Victoria has made it a priority to zone for light commercial, in order to facilitate the growth of small-business entrepreneurs, like ourselves. {beat} What? I go to city council meetings.

GRAHAM: Why?

PAUL: I find municipal procedure fascinating! Besides, you did line-dancing for a month.

GRAHAM: {suddenly} Hey, look at this one! This looks promising, we can sublet half a basement for only $350 a month.

KATHLEEN: Who's doing the subletting?

GRAHAM: The Victoria Screaming Children's Hospice.

{Graham and Kathleen wince at this.}

PAUL: Hmm, that could affect the sound quality of our videos.

GRAHAM: Yeah. Ooh, what about this one? The Benedictine Sisters of Mercy and Silent Meditation have an upstairs room in the convent with outside access.

KATHLEEN: Now guys, not that I think we're bad people... but in this situation we would be the bad people.

{Whip pan to the side of the church, where the crew are filming a video. Morgan is standing in shot, and performing small pelvic thrusts.

GRAHAM: No, cut, cut. Sorry. I need you to... The thrusting needs to be way more intense. Thrusting is like rain, it doesn't show up on film unless it's just so much larger than life. {starts demonstrating} OK, so just really gotta just get right in there.

{Morgan starts thrusting very exaggeratedly, in sync with Graham.}

GRAHAM: Right in there, exactly, yes. Feel the burn. Work it. Big. Bigger than life.

{A nun walks in, and passes between the two, who abruptly stop thrusting and start looking around in embarrassment. Whip pan back to Paul, Graham and Kathleen.}

GRAHAM: It could work.

PAUL: Oh, hey, what about this one? It's a huge space, in a pretty central location.

GRAHAM: Wow, from the photos, it looks perfect!

KATHLEEN: Hrmm... nothing's perfect.

{Cut to the three of them walking out of the office.}

GRAHAM: That place is perfect!

PAUL: Yeah! All we need now is $400 for rent and $200 for damage deposit.

KATHLEEN: Well, I think what we can do is—

{Kathleen is interrupted by her phone ringing, which she pulls out and answers.}

KATHLEEN: Hello? Yeah? Uh-huh. Oh! Right, right, yes, right, yes. I'll be there in a little bit. OK. Bye. {hangs up} Uh, I gotta go.

GRAHAM: Why?

KATHLEEN: A profound personal emergency.

PAUL: You don't seem that worried.

KATHLEEN: It's not my personal emergency... Anyhow, you guys handle the $600, I'll be back later. Can I get a "Whoa team"?

{Kathleen sticks her hand out, the others reluctantly add their hands to the pile.}

KATHLEEN: {excited} Whoa, team!
GRAHAM and PAUL: {bored, together with Kathleen} Whoa, team...

{The three throw their hands in the air – we follow them up, whip tilting to James's front door. Alex walks up carrying a box, and knocks on the door, which James answers.}

JAMES: Y'ello?

ALEX: Uh, got a package here for James Turner. {looks up, realizes who he's talking too} James?

JAMES: Alex? Wait, why are you surprised? You said you had a package for me.

ALEX: I wasn't sure that you were that James Turner.

JAMES: Well how many Jameses do you know in Victoria?

{Alex thinks – whip pan to a sign in front of a building, which reads "Victoria Coalition of People Named James Meeting Hall". Alex walks over, reads the sign, and ducks into the building. Whip pan back to James's front door.}

ALEX: I forged my ID to join. They've got way better catering than the Order of Alexes.

JAMES: Why don't I know about that club? Look, why are you here? You live in Toronto.

ALEX: I wanted to come here for Christmas, but I couldn't afford a plane ticket, so I took courier jobs, and I've been working my way over here slowly.

JAMES: When did you leave Toronto?

ALEX: June...

{James stares at Alex in disbelief.}

ALEX: Can I get you to sign this?

JAMES: Yeah, that's cool.

ALEX: So, what've you been up to?

JAMES: Oh, y'know. Desert Bus, that was insane. Uh, and the Child's Play charity dinner, down in Seattle.

ALEX: Oh, how did that work out?

JAMES: Uh, it was interesting...

{Whip pan to the charity dinner, in the same place as the second half of Lock Out was shot. Graham is showing Paul a camera lens.}

GRAHAM: It's a wide-angle lens, I found it in this pile of crap over there...

PAUL: OK, well, well then—

{James runs in, interrupting.}

JAMES: Guys, guys! I'm so sorry, but I lost the room key.

GRAHAM: No...

PAUL: Aww...

JAMES: I'm sorry!

{Wil Wheaton walks in.}

WIL: Are you fucking kidding me?

{Wil shakes his head and walks out again.}

JAMES: Wil? I'm sorry... No, Wil?

GRAHAM: Look what you've done!

{Whip pan back to James and Alex.}

ALEX: Smooth.

JAMES: Yeah. So what's in the box?

ALEX: Uh, something from Neighbourhood Wireless.

JAMES: {taking the box} Oh, yes, pleasepleasepleaseplease... Yes! It's my new iPhone. {reading off the box} All fees waived! Woohoohoo! I can't wait to rub this in Matt's frickin' face!

{James jumps on Alex and starts hugging him vigorously.}

ALEX: Super awkward...

{Cut to Matt, who is packing the NESbox into a bag.}

MATT: {singing, to the tune of Eye of the Tiger} Eye of the tiger, gonna win in a fight. Get a new Xbox and play Fallout 3... {hesitates} of the tiger.

{Paul and Graham walk in, clapping slowly.}

GRAHAM: Are you planning on busking to get your new Xbox?

MATT: Nope, I'm going to Seattle. I'm going straight to Microsoft, and I'm gonna force them to exchange this... this paperweight for a working Xbox.

PAUL: But it is a working Xbox.

MATT: It only plays NES carts!

PAUL: And it plays them perfectly.

GRAHAM: That aside, wouldn't it be cheaper just to buy a new 360 than to get a trip to Seattle?

MATT: It's the principle of the matter. If I don't stand up for the ordinary consumer, who will?

PAUL: What about you is "ordinary"?

GRAHAM: Matt, if this had happened to anybody else, you'd laugh at them.

MATT: Entirely beside the point.

PAUL: Unrelated, I guess this means you don't have an extra $600 lying around, eh?

MATT: Uh... no. Anyhow, guys, I've got a ferry to catch, so I'm gonna be on my way. {accosting Paul} You are not to look at, breathe on, touch, or otherwise improve anything in my house, got it?

PAUL: Well, I mean, I was going to improve your kitchen with these cookies...

{Paul is suddenly holding a plate full of cookies. Graham takes one and eats it.}

PAUL: But now I think I'll just keep them for myself.

MATT: OK, cookies would be OK.

PAUL: No no, as you said, it is the principle of the thing.

MATT: {resigned} Damn. {walks out}

{Cut to the outskirts of Morgan's place, where Jer is sitting, reading. Kathleen walks in to join him.}

KATHLEEN: OK, refresh me.

JER: I, Jeremy Petter, need your help to get back at Bill and Morgan.

KATHLEEN: Right! Yes. ... Why?

JER: They weighted my dice!

KATHLEEN: Right! ... Yes.

JER: Do you have any idea the profound effect this has had on my DMing abilities? The legitimacy of my stories, the verisimilitude of my campaigns? The number of saving throws I've failed?

KATHLEEN: No.

JER: It's a lot.

KATHLEEN: Why would they do that, anyhow? The whole thing smacks of effort and premeditation, it doesn't seem like them at all.

JER: Something about making DotA never playable for them again...

KATHLEEN: So they were exacting revenge for something you started?

JER: No, I did that to get back at Morgan for putting all those posters up all over the place. Do you know how many people have called me about that?

KATHLEEN: Four?

JER: Hundreds. And not just total strangers. Friends, childhood acquaintances, distance relatives, fans of the site...

{Jer's phone rings.}

KATHLEEN: Why would you give fans from the site your phone number?

JER: {answering phone} Hello? No. No, I'm not... No, I'm not missing. Thank you. Thank you. {hangs up} Do you have any idea what kind of daytime minutes I've racked up? Look at my phone bill!

{Jer pulls out his phone bill from his pocket – it looks to be a good 20 pages long.}

KATHLEEN: Wow!

JER: I know, right?

KATHLEEN: {laughing a little} I can't believe you carry your phone bill around with you...

JER: Look, the point is, I need to get back at Morgan, and to a lesser extent Bill. Can you help me?

KATHLEEN: Why don't you... break into their house, and rearrange all their furniture to really inconvenient locations? Morgan'll have to move everything back before he can accomplish anything.

JER: So, you're suggesting a spiteful version of While You Were Out?

KATHLEEN: More like "Why Would You Fuck With My Shit?".

{Whip pan to a room in Bill and Morgan's place. It is extremely messy, with junk everywhere. Kathleen is talking as a TV show host. Jer is covering his eyes with his hands.}

KATHLEEN: Welcome back. It's time for the big reveal. {to Jer} OK, open your eyes!

{Jer uncovers his eyes, and explores the pile of junk in shock.}

JER: All my things!

KATHLEEN: Well, what d'you think?

JER: Why would you fuck with my shit?

{At this, Kathleen gives a thumbs-up to the camera, and we whip-pan back to the scheming.}

JER: OK, so, I get the theory, but what's the point?

KATHLEEN: Well, Morgan's wasted a ton of your time with this missing persons thing, right? Now you can waste a ton of his!

JER: An eye for an eye?

KATHLEEN: An hour for an hour.

JER: I like the concept. Execution. How do we get in?

KATHLEEN: We'll go in through an open window. They always forget to lock their windows.

{Cut to the inside of Bill and Morgan's house – Kathleen and Jer enter through the unlocked front door.}

KATHLEEN: Or that works too.

JER: {evil grin} Let's get started.

{Wipe back to outside, Jer and Kathleen run out and hide in the bushes. Jer is carrying binoculars.}

JER: That was a lot of work.

KATHLEEN: Yeah, but it'll be a lot more work for them to put everything back than it was for us to mess it up.

JER: {looking through the binoculars} Oh, oh, he's home. Let the inconveniencing begin.

KATHLEEN: I think this operation needs a better name than "The Inconveniencing".

JER: Er, the befuddling? I'll think of something later.

KATHLEEN: We'll workshop it.

{Cut to a look through the binoculars to see what's happening inside. Morgan is standing by the fridge, which has a couch upended in front of it.}

MORGAN: Bill! Why'd you put the couch in front of the fridge? That's where I put all my food!

{Pan across to another window to Bill, in the bathroom.}

BILL: More like, why'd you put your computer in the bathroom?

MORGAN: I dunno, must've done that in my sleep, so I could poop and play DotA. {walks over to Bill} Hey, now get out of here, I need to drop the kids off at the pool and ass-pwn some buttfaces.

BILL: Cool, I'll log into Bnet, see you in a sec. {walks out}

MORGAN: OK.

{Cut back to Jer and Kathleen.}

JER: What the hell.

KATHLEEN: Hmm. This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought. We need to waste as much of Morgan's time as it would take to equal your $300 phone bill. So, Morgan's daytime hours are worth $10 an hour, because that's time he would be spending at work.

{Overlay: "DAYTIME HRS: $10/HR".}

KATHLEEN: Except... he doesn't have a job, so it's not actually worth...

{Overlay: "DIV BY 0 ERROR".}

KATHLEEN: OK, let's say that daytime hours have the potential to be worth $10 an hour, but only if he's gainfully employed.

{Overlay: "DAYTIME POTENTIAL: $10/HR (WITH JOB)".}

KATHLEEN: So he needs to find a job, and to do that, he needs to be well-rested.

{Overlay: "SLEEP MAKES GO".}

KATHLEEN: So that means his sleeping hours are even more valuable.

{Overlay: "SLEEP IS GOOD".}

KATHLEEN: They're worth $12.50 an hour.

{Overlay: "$12.50/HR".}

JER: {confused} Where're you getting these numbers?

KATHLEEN: So we need to interrupt 24 hours of Morgan's sleep to waste $300 worth of productivity.

{Overlay: "$12.50 X 24 = $300".}

KATHLEEN: Which isn't a problem, because he's unemployed... he sleeps all day and plays DotA all night.

{Overlay: "NO PROBLEM". Kathleen hands Jer a large bulb horn.}

KATHLEEN: Here, this should do nicely.

JER: {tentatively taking the horn} I... uh... What do I do with this?

KATHLEEN: OK, so, tomorrow morning, honk that horn outside Morgan's bedroom window. You'll be able to do it on your way to and from classes.

JER: Uh...

KATHLEEN: Over the course of the next few days, you'll destroy his REM sleep cycle. His functional ability will be totally eliminated. And you'll have wasted enough potential time to equal your actual lost money.

JER: It seems... lacking?

KATHLEEN: If you can figure out how to waste the time of someone who has nothing to do but waste time, fair play to you.

{Kathleen walks out. Jer tests the horn – it sounds right in his face, and he's startled a little. Wipe to the Space Needle in Seattle, and tilt down to Matt, carrying the NESbox and looking confused. He pulls out his iPhone and makes a call.}

MATT: Hi, Information? Yes, I'm looking to Microsoft's head office. I'm currently standing pretty much right underneath the Space Needle. Can you give me directions? {beat} Redmond? What's a Redmond?

{Matt looks at his phone in confusion – Information just hung up on him. Wipe to Paul and Graham in Graham's apartment, Graham has a back full of cans and bottles.}

GRAHAM: Well, I've got... $18 worth of empties.

PAUL: I don't think a bottle drive is the answer here. And besides, you don't want to muscle in on the Girl Guides' turf, those girls are scary.

{Kathleen walks in.}

KATHLEEN: Hey guys! Do we have a solution to the $600 question yet?

GRAHAM: Just need to find a woman willing to give me $600 for a sperm donation.

PAUL: Or we could find $600 worth of scrap metal.

GRAHAM: Hmm, Walter in Megaton only pays you 10 caps for scrap metal. What if we have a garage sale?

PAUL: I don't think you have $600 worth of stuff to sell.

{This comment starts to get Kathleen thinking.}

GRAHAM: What if we just sell one thing that's worth $600?

PAUL: Or, what if we sell one thin that's worth $100 to six people?

GRAHAM: How do we get it back from the people we sold it to to sell it to the other people? Doing that five times seems dangerous.

KATHLEEN: You guys are brilliant!

GRAHAM: We are?

PAUL: Well, we are.

KATHLEEN: Sell something! And I know just what we can sell.

GRAHAM: But I don't have anything in here that I don't need and use every day.

PAUL: You have a salad spinner.

GRAHAM: And leave my salad un-spun? Besides, I don't think I can get 600 bucks for it.

PAUL: What if we were to increase its value? Think you could get an aftermarket body kit?

GRAHAM: A salad spinner spoiler!

PAUL: Spinner spinners!

KATHLEEN: Forget salad spinners! There are things right under our noses {waves at Matt's extensive collections} that are super valuable, and aren't needed or used on a day-to-day basis.

{Kathleen grins with tented fingers. One of Matt's Optimus Prime trucks comes in from offscreen, in front of Kathleen. Pull out to reveal Graham is holding it.}

KATHLEEN: Sweetie, I'm scheming.

GRAHAM: No, it's Optimus Prime.

{Graham hums the Transformers theme, and leans back out of shot. Cut to the outside of the office. Kathleen is drawing the LRR logo on the door. Paul and Graham are also there, carrying various LRR props. The three turn to each other, smile and nod. Cut back to Graham and Matt's apartment, Matt is walking in carrying an Xbox 360 box. His phone rings, and he answers it. Cut to Bill and Morgan's place. Bill is leaning on a bookshelf that is standing at an angle and leaning on the wall. Morgan is lying on the floor, watching a television that's been placed on its side. James is also lying on the floor, in a sitting position on a chair that's been knocked over. James is on the phone with Matt.}

MATT: {on phone} Hello?

JAMES: Hey, Matt! Guess what I got!

MATT: A burning desire to hear the melodious sound of my voice?

JAMES: My new phone! My iPhone finally arrived, and totally for free! I stuck it to the man and won.

MATT: Yeah? Well guess what I've got under my arm right now.

JAMES: I'm gonna say an inflatable love sheep, and romantic plans for an evening in.

MATT: You're right, but I meant the other arm. I've got a new Xbox.

JAMES: How'd you manage that? Did you just cave and go buy a new one?

MATT: I stood up for the oppressed consumer, and took my case all the way to Microsoft Customer Service headquarters in Seattle— in Redmond. Did you know there's a Redmond?

JAMES: Really, you, sticking up for the consumer? Dude, if that had happened to anybody else, you would've laughed at them. What'd Microsoft do?

MATT: They laughed at me. But when one of the guys saw Paul's mod, he liked it so much he bought it from me for enough money to buy a new Xbox and cover my trip. So Matt: 1, you douchebags: 0.

JAMES: You know, Matt, just bec—

MATT: Aaaaaaaahhhh!

{Cut back to Matt – he's just noticed the empty shelf where his Optimus Prime figures should be. In his shock, he drops his new Xbox.}

MATT: Aaaaaaahhhh!

{Graham runs in and kicks Matt in the balls. Matt crumples to the ground, and Graham runs out the door.}

GRAHAM: {singing, badly, to the tune of Run To The Hills} Run for your lives...

{Cut back James and Morgan. James shrugs and puts away his phone.}

MORGAN: I don't know who invented sideways TV, but they deserve a commendation.

{James, still lying on his chair, twists around to see.}

JAMES: Damn.

{Episode ends. Cut to Wil Wheaton in front of a white wall, speaking into the camera.}

WIL: Hi, I'm Wil Wheaton. You know, we had a lot of fun today on commodoreHUSTLE. But I was a dick. And I wanted to tell you kids out there who are watching this for the first time, it's not cool to be a dick. See, I'm an actor, and this is a comedy, and I was pretending to be a dick for comedic effect. But if I were to see someone who behaved the way I behaved in real life, I would feel compelled to walk up to them, and say "Hey man, Wil Wheaton says 'Don't be a dick'".

JAMES: {walking in} That was really good, Wil, but do you think you could—

WIL: I think it would be great if you just didn't talk to me. {walks out}